


Relief

by Livdonna



Series: Relief [1]
Category: Sixx:A.M.
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Rollarcoaster, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Maladaptive Coping, Mental Health Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, manic depression, why do i write these things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 168,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23239891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: There’s rare moments where I can actually see what Nikki and DJ see... That I look sick.  Right now is one of those times.My skin has no color to it and my hair has thinned a ridiculous amount.  Since I’m only wearing my white ribbed undershirt, I can see how much I’ve actually deteriorated.  My ribs poke out, my chest bones are showing.  Bones are popping out where they shouldn’t be.  My eyes are sunken and it’s obvious that I don’t sleep because I have the worst dark circles I’ve ever seen on anybody.I look like absolute hell.
Series: Relief [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851934
Comments: 102
Kudos: 18





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Guys... I can’t believe I’m even posting this, but hear me out... I’ve been debating for weeks if I should or not, and I decided to bite the bullet. I’m gonna be straightforward about this: it is an eating disorder piece, and it’s an extremely raw, realistic, and NOT sugar coated. I’ve personally struggled with anorexia and bulimia and it kills me seeing so many unrealistic and glamorized eating disorder stories online, and that fueled a huge fire in me to write one of my own that really hits the nail on the head on what living with an eating disorder is REALLY like... and trust me, it’s NOT in any way shape or form, “nice.” So... that’s that. If you read this whole description, thank you so much. Also, I like to project my emotions onto innocent musicians that I love, so poor Sixx Am gets the wrath this time. (Please don’t hate me. None of this is real. It’s a work of fiction. Please don’t judge me... or do, it’s totally fine!!!!). 
> 
> Okay... well... I guess proceed at your own risk if you’re feeling it! And please leave a comment and let me know what you think! I would really appreciate it, and let me know if you would want to read more of this (because I am planning on making it a full story, but I only posted this part to see what the response would be like). 
> 
> Thanks!!! (Also, I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy with everything going on right now!) love you!!

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I glance at the time on the microwave in the kitchen.

_12:45am_

God, I’ve been just pacing around staring at all of the food in the cabinets for over a fuckin’ hour.

The sad part is that this has become normal for me. I would be lying if I said that this hasn’t happened every night for the past month.

I know... I know the science behind this. It’s my body’s way of reminding me to eat. My body is basically screaming at me to eat something because it thinks it’s in a famine. I hate that I’m smart enough to know this but I still can’t do it.

_Why can’t I just fuckin’ do it?_

_Why is it so goddamn hard to eat something?_

_Normally._

It’s all or nothing. If I eat something or even try to, it turns into something else. It goes the other way, and lately that’s been happening even more. It happens at night, when no one is around.

_Like now._

I feel like I can’t control anything anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know how I turned into this monster. I don’t understand why I do this and why I can’t stop. I can already feel an episode coming on and I am trying literally anything in my power to stop it from happening. I know I should step away from the food in this kitchen. I need to leave this room... but I _can’t_. It’s like a magnet is pulling me in here and I can’t escape.

All I can think about is food because I’m so goddamn _hungry_. I should know by now that just staring at food doesn’t do shit unless I fuckin’ eat it, but I already said if I eat it, I don’t stop eating it.

I’m clenching my fists and squeezing my eyes shut because I just want my brain to shut up. I want all of the fuckin’ noise to quiet down and I just want to feel at peace for once... I can’t remember the last time I felt truly calm. I don’t remember what feeling peaceful feels like any-more. I can’t stay present during anything. Even on stage it’s become so much harder to act like everything’s okay. The audience has no clue what’s going on, and I have to wear a full on mask every damn night to pretend I’m living my happiest life. I was. I was living my happiest life. I was passionate about my music and performing and producing... and now I feel like it’s disappearing. I’m starting to wonder what the point of everything I’ve worked so hard for is any-more. The way I’m living is a torturous hell, but I can’t let anyone know that or see that.

My head is spinning. I know we have a show tomorrow and I also know that I’m not gonna be able to sleep because of how hungry I am. I know I should at least just drink something, but even that will trigger something, and at this point I don’t see any way out of what I feared would happen this whole time...

_Screw this._

Without thinking, I open up the fridge and gulp down a huge bottle of water. Then I take out two more and leave them on the counter. I’ll need them for later.

My eyes dart up and down the inside of the fridge. My body is begging me for food and at this point I don’t even give a shit what food it is. I start taking out containers of whatever the hell I can even find and taking spoonfuls of each of them.

_Greek yogurt_

_Pasta with vodka sauce_

_Grilled chicken_

_Cottage cheese_

_Guacamole_

Once it starts, it doesn’t stop. I feel disconnected from reality and out of touch with my body. It’s just me and my impulses running the show and it’s at this point now where I can’t control anything.

One by one, the cabinets are opened. Boxes of cookies, crackers, granola bars, and cereals are scattered on the counter.  
Loaves of bread and bagels with open containers of cream cheese, butter, peanut butter, and Nutella cover the kitchen table.

What happens is once I eat a fair amount of a few things, I’ll glug some water, get out a huge plastic container, and purge what I can in there. Then I run to the bathroom, dump it down the toilet and finish what I started. Then I flush, run back in the kitchen, and eat some more. This repeats about 5 or 6 times before I decide that I’ve had enough of this shit and I’m tired out.

Of course in between the binges and purges, I have to make sure I clean the messes on the counter and the table before anyone sees any tracks I left.

It’s a lot of fuckin’ work.

The worst part about this whole thing is how good it feels at first, while I’m eating I feel some sort of _numbness_ ; almost like a weird rush. I’m disconnected from everything and all I’m thinking about is the food. Nothing else matters.

It’s when I know it’s time to purge, that I feel the impending doom. The dread. That’s the part that feels like _hell_. I get a rush at first knowing that I’m emptying myself out and I feel some sort of relief... but... then... the longer it goes on, the more I want it to just be over. I feel so much shame and just want to hide away forever, but I can’t until I’m finished.

To put it simply:

You feel high, and then you want to die.

* * *

I can’t believe there was once a time that I said I would never purge because it would ruin my voice.... and here I am, _again_. I never really thought of this as an addiction but there’s clear cut evidence that it is one, because I would have been able to stop months ago if it wasn’t. It’s only gotten so much worse. It used to just be a short little thing: eat something, run to the bathroom, purge. Done and done.

Now.... these episodes can take hours. Because I just keep on fuckin’ going... until I have every last morsel out.

I will do anything to make sure I got everything out, even if that means drastic measures.

I have a show tomorrow. I _need_ to get it all out. I _have_ to. I also need to fuckin sleep and if I don’t get all of this out, I _can’t_.

And at the same time, there’s no part of me that wants to be doing this right now. Can I be honest? I’m fuckin’ exhausted. I know my body is slowly giving up on me from all of the shit I’ve put it through, and I wish that scared me enough to be able to say _“James, you don’t need to do this right now. Get some rest. You can stop right here. It’s okay.”_

But it won’t. Nothing can stop me. I feel powerless, but at the same time I know it’s all in my control to be able to get this all out.

It felt fine while the binging was happening, or so I thought. God, today I just haven’t felt right the whole day. I’ve been so tired and even despite tons of coffee, my energy didn’t seem to keep up and if I was able to I really would have just sat around the whole day doing nothing. Right now it just feels even worse. My stomach is cramping up from the purges I already had, and I’m freezing cold from all of the cold water I’ve used to flush the food out of me.

I’m just trying to tell myself that if I get this done now, then I’ll be able to go right to sleep and won’t have to worry about it again.... until the next episode happens, of course. But for right now, I won’t have to worry about anything.

In this moment, there’s a ton to worry about. I can’t even comprehend how much is left inside of me but all I know is that I need to empty it out. It won’t be hard, I’ve done this enough to know how to make it “easier”, if you would even call it that. I guess I have shortcuts to make it less painful that it could be.

I take a deep breath, as I glug down a bottle of water. I immediately get a chill down my whole body, but I can’t let that stop me. I turn on the fan in the bathroom and the sink faucet to mask the noise, as I bend over and let my stomach muscles contract and do their job.

The cramping is so bad in my stomach right now and my throat feels raw. It kills me to think about how many more times I’m gonna be repeating this action until I know for sure that everything is out.

After a while, I feel like I’m on autopilot. Repeating the same thing over and over and over again.

_Chug, purge, flush, repeat._

_Chug_

_Purge_

_Flush_

After each cycle, I feel worse. The more my heart palpitates, and the more I shiver. I’m starting to notice my hands turning a purplish color, even my lips. That’s how fuckin’ cold I am right now, but I can’t stop. My body is feeling so weak. It’s taking a lot to lift my arm to drink the water, and all I want to do is lay down.

 _Just a few more times_.

I could feel my eyes drooping because of how exhausted I am.

_You’re almost done._

My feet are cramping up in weird places and it’s ridiculously uncomfortable.

_You’ll be fine._

After about three more times, I see that the water is clear, which is the ultimate signal that I’ve done my job well and that I can finally rest.

But.... not today.

I still have a tiny bit of that ipecac syrup that I got off of that sketchy website, and it works wonders. I just want to be safe knowing that I got absolutely every morsel out. I know if I take that, there will be no question about if there’s anything left in my stomach.

I also know how bad of an idea this is... considering how I feel right now. I gotta be real. I’m laying down on the cold tiled bathroom floor because I don’t have the energy to sit up or even walk out to my bed. My legs feel like bricks. I’m shivering and my hands are purple and shaking. My lips are dry and have a blueish tint to them, and I feel a strong pressure on my chest like someone is pushing on it.

But... I still feel the need to do this, because I’m feeling paranoid right now, and I don’t know why.

At least I know it takes 20 to 30 minutes to actually make me sick, so I can lay here for a half hour before that. I’ll be okay.

I lift myself up for a second to grab the bottle off of the counter, and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Even though my vision isn’t completely clear right now, what I see is enough to make me nauseous.

There’s rare moments where I can actually see what Nikki and DJ see... That I look sick. Right now is one of those times.

My skin has no color to it and my hair has thinned a ridiculous amount. Since I’m only wearing my white ribbed undershirt, I can see how much I’ve actually deteriorated. My ribs poke out, my chest bones are showing. Bones are popping out where they shouldn’t be. My eyes are sunken and it’s obvious that I don’t sleep because I have the worst dark circles I’ve ever seen on anybody.

I look like absolute hell.

I lower myself down to the ground, drink what’s left of the ipecac, and curl up into the fetal position as I wait for the hell that I’m about to endure.

As I’m laying here, I’m noticing my body is feeling a lot heavier than before, despite being completely emptied out. I feel like I’m sinking right into the ground and soon I’ll break it. I’m also feeling slight tingles in my hands and it’s going up my whole arm. What’s even freakier is that I can hardly move it at all. Whenever I do, it feels like any last bit of energy I have is being used. The pressure that I had on my chest has gotten worse. Now it feels like 20 pounds of bricks are sitting on it, and it’s scaring me.

This hasn’t happened like this before, and part of me is wondering if I really fucked up bad this time.

20 minutes pass and now it’s extremely hard to keep my eyes open. I would love to just fall asleep right here, but I would hate to be woken up to throw up, so I’m trying my best to stay awake.

All of a sudden, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and I know that’s a signal for me to get my butt up to the toilet because I’m about to projectile vomit everywhere if I don’t.

The second I get myself lifted up, my vision almost goes black, and I can hardly feel my hands or my arms.

I make it to the toilet just in time, and I have never felt such intense stomach pain in my life. I could feel little tears welling in my eyes as my stomach convulses violently. My throat feels like it’s on fire. My chest is burning with acid. My hands are gripping the toilet seat, but I feel so weak that I’ll probably fall over before it’s done.

Luckily, it ended before my body gave up.

The second before I collapsed right back on the ground, I noticed traces of red in the bowl, and knew right in that moment that I really fucked up.

I can’t keep my eyes open any longer so I let them close. My body feels limp and numb and tingly, but heavy. My legs are cramping and my chest is in knots. I can’t move. I can’t feel my body. I have nothing left in me right now to do anything but just lay here and wait this out.

I can faintly hear a voice... It sounds familiar, but so far away. I want to open my mouth and say something, but I can’t. My muscles aren’t working. I could swear I feel someone touching me... shaking me?

The last thing I hear is DJ’s frantic voice screaming my name.


	2. This Is Gonna Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s scary feeling like you have no control. It’s terrifying feeling powerless, especially with moods changing so drastically like this. 
> 
> That’s when I discovered that there were ways that I could almost muffle those voices in my head. 
> 
> Everyone has their demons, but not all of them are open about them. They do things to numb out, or cover them up... so they don’t have to think about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! So... HERE IT IS! The official first chapter of the story that I kept contemplating whether or not I would actually continue it... Well, I decided today that yes, even though it’s a topic that really hits home for me and is close to my heart and sometimes hard to write about, I’m doing it, because it’s therapeutic and I really want to raise awareness about mental health and eating disorders in particular. (Like seriously, if any of you have any questions about eating disorders or are confused about anything in this story that’s related to that, PLEASE ask me!!! I’m SO willing to answer and educate! I want to help people understand better! :). )
> 
> Remember... this is FICTION!!! This is NOT real. Yes, a lot of the things I talk about in here (that aren’t eating Disorder related) are based on things I’ve read about Sixx Am or James michael’s podcast... (for example, most of this first chapter is stuff I know from listening to James talk in interviews about his journey into the music business and weird experiences, and he’s very open about his Bipolar disorder, so I can say that I’m not making that up). But the other stuff IS FICTION! So please don’t hate me... I just like creative writing and it helps to use my experience to project onto writing almost like journaling...
> 
> I’m rambling... I’m sorry. I’m probably so annoying, but yeah.
> 
> Also, PLEASE.... if heavy topics like depression, eating disorders, mental illness, addiction, self hate, or anything like that trigger you... DO NOT READ THIS STORY!! I want you to keep yourself safe and I will not be offended if you can’t read it because it affects you in a certain way... Trust me, your mental health and well-being comes FIRST! I care about you. 
> 
> (Also, Ill just use the first raw part as the prologue to the story, just to give that angst and suspense... ya feel?)
> 
> So... if you read this whole thing, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
> 
> This is just the introduction chapter, but I had to start somewhere, so I hope you will ride along this wild rollercoaster with me and enjoy....
> 
> (Let me know what you think!!!! Even if you hated it you can tell me!!!! Lol)

JAMES’ P.O.V.

_(8 months earlier)_

_“All alone in your house of panic,_  
_And all the things that you love_  
_Make you manic._  
_You look like you could use a friend_  
_Someone to make this madness end...”_

It’s hard to pinpoint when this all started... After a while everything in your life becomes a blur of chaos and pure craziness, at least for me it kind of feels like that.

For those of you that don’t know me, let me introduce myself. I’m James Michael, and most people probably recognize me as the front-man of the rock group, SIXX A.M. Before that, however, I was mainly working behind the scenes as a songwriter and producer, for not only my music, but other people’s music.

I wasn’t always comfortable being in the spotlight. In fact, that’s never what I actually wanted. I fell in love with everything that happened behind the scenes, that thinking about being out there in the front actually made me nervous. It was out of my comfort zone. Let’s just say the first few shows I did with SIXX A.M were... to put it lightly, rough. I wasn’t hitting the right notes, and I couldn’t even talk to an audience, for God’s sake. I’ll never forget, the first show we did for CrueFest was in Florida, and the weather was so humid. My hair was sticking to my face and wasn’t staying right, so because I couldn’t think of anything to say to the audience, I started rambling about how the weather was fucking my hair up and how I wish I knew all the girl’s secrets to keeping their hair in tact. Oh man... I’m cringing as I think about it. Nikki and DJ must have been so embarrassed.

But, you know, practice makes perfect, right? I think I got the whole “lead singer in the spotlight” thing down pat now.

Speaking of “perfect”, I almost forgot to mention. I can be somewhat of a perfectionist. If you ask Nikki and DJ, they’ll tell you that I had such a hard time transitioning from being a producer back in the studio, to being out in the open on stage. See, when you’re producing, you have all the control. You have control over every little thing that happens... every little sound you change up in the song... every little beat or tempo. It’s all in your hands. It’s yours to create, and you get to decide how the song is gonna end up. When you record your vocals, you can do as many takes as you need until you get the one that you feel sounds “right”. Then you can tweak it even more if need be.

When you’re on stage, in front of a live audience... you have to let go of some of that control. Actually, a lot of that control is gone. You have to go with the flow and allow yourself to be flexible, because you never know what could happen up there. Someone might miss a note, or your microphone might stop working, or your voice cracks. You can’t click rewind and go fix it. You just have to deal with it and move forward. I had such a hard time... I remember there were so many times that Nikki and DJ had to sit me down after a show because they just knew that I was beating myself up for something ridiculous like my voice cracking, and they told me I had to take my “producers hat” off.

Now, I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “What’s so bad about being a perfectionist? Doesn’t that make you a really hard worker?” Don’t get me wrong, there is truth to that, but there’s always a downside, and I’ll admit that.

When I’m recording music in the studio, I will not leave that room until I decide that the finished product is “flawless.” I get completely obsessed with getting every little thing right, that I’ll start to neglect other things in order to make that happen. Those “other things” just so happen to include _myself_.

I’m too focused on perfecting my work that nothing else matters any-more. Eating doesn’t matter. Drinking doesn’t matter, unless it’s caffeine because that will keep me up longer so I can work longer. Sleeping doesn’t matter. All that matters in those moments is that I make the best music, mix the best albums, and record my best vocals.

That actually brings me to another point... one that I don’t bring up much. I suffer from pretty bad bipolar disorder. That’s where a lot of that “manic productivity” of mine comes from, as I like to call it.

The higher the mania, the bigger the crash. Like I said, there’s almost always a downside to every situation. Depressive episodes are very... scary. It’s hard to put into words what the experience is like. It’s almost like the world just stops spinning. Everything just freezes in time, and my mind becomes a blurred fog. It’s virtually the only time that I can’t get out of bed, and have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all, even the smallest things like picking a pair of socks off my floor that have been laying there for weeks.

The thoughts in my head suddenly switch from _“I’m on top of the world”_ , _“I can do anything”_ , and _“Nobody can stop me from getting this right”_ to _“I’m a worthless piece of crap.”_

_“You can never do anything right.”_

_“You’re a fuckin’ idiot.”_

_“What’s the point?”_

See, the more intense the mania, the more intense the perfectionism is, and the more perfectionistic I become, the higher the chance of a depressive episode starting because I set my standards way too high. When I don’t meet those unrealistic standards, my brain starts spitting self-deprecating, horrible, things about myself. Suddenly I become a failure, and someone who can’t do anything right and will never be able to succeed or accomplish anything. I want to give up and throw in the towel, and basically throw everything away that I’ve ever worked so hard for.

It’s scary feeling like you have no control. It’s terrifying feeling powerless, especially with moods changing so drastically like this.

That’s when I discovered that there were ways that I could almost muffle those voices in my head.

Everyone has their demons, but not all of them are open about them. They do things to numb out, or cover them up... so they don’t have to think about them. A few years back, I had actually quit drinking, because I realized that I was using that as a way to run away from everything, instead of facing it head on.

I decided that since SIXX A.M is gonna end up touring soon, I had to really start taking better care of myself. Or else there would be no fuckin’ way I would be able to survive being on the road.

Of course, this “epiphany” that I made happened to come during a manic episode. I had decided right there and then, sitting in my studio, that I was gonna get myself in shape, and nourish myself with healthy, clean foods so I could be the best, energized, version of myself that I could be when we start touring. Not only that, but I realized that in order to manage my highs and lows that I needed some kind of structure in my day, besides locking myself in the studio and making music, and exercise routines could be part of that.

It was that moment, when I found an extensive list of “health foods” and vigorous workout routines, that everything changed.

I researched for hours on end, obsessively planning out what I was gonna eat each day, which workouts I was gonna do, how I was gonna fit them in, and how empowered and fuckin’ _awesome_ I was gonna feel when I accomplished all of that.

I will tell you right now, I had no fuckin’ idea that this was gonna turn into a full blown addiction.

It started off as a way to get “healthy”, to make structure for myself so I could manage my bipolar better. It started off as a choice. Now, I feel like I have _no_ choice.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always _bad_. I do think that all of this will benefit me when we do start touring, because I already notice that I’m way more energized. It could be mind over matter, but I don’t really give a shit. I feel good. I feel accomplished when I complete a workout, or when I stick to my rigid plans.

What’s a little fucked up is that I notice that during depressive episodes, when I compulsively get my ass up and workout, I actually feel a sort of “rush.” I feel surges of adrenaline, and I almost forget that I was feeling so badly because it mimics feelings of slight euphoria, that are similar to when I’m at a high point. If I had to choose, I would always rather be manic, because it tricks me into feeling like I’m actually _great_ , as opposed to depression where I’m flooded with self hate, worthlessness, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts. So, of course, once I discovered that exercising and being strict with what I ate gave me such positive feelings, I had no intentions of stopping.

In a way, it almost feels like when I eat less, exercise more, or only allow myself to eat specific things... I can actually _control_ something. I can’t control my bipolar disorder and the terrifying highs and lows, but I can control what I put in my body, and what I do to my body. _And_ , as I’m controlling those things, at the same time, my mood swings are being controlled too, and I feel like I can function when I’m having depressive episodes.

See, when you’re in the entertainment industry, it doesn’t matter how you feel or what’s going on personally for you. You still have to show up and do performances, or speak at interviews, or go to press conferences, or record signings, and all of that shit. You can’t just not show up. Yes, I’m a producer, and I’m a performer because I love it, but it’s also my job. I have to find a way to function normally in order to go out there and present myself, so trust me, if you have bipolar disorder or some other form of mental illness, you _want_ to find a way to keep it under control so you can appear functional and _normal_ to your audience.

This is definitely going to benefit me on tour, but the only problem is that sometimes I start to wonder if it’s becoming _all-consuming._

I wake up, and the first thing I think about is working out. The second thing I think about is what I’m gonna eat, how I’m gonna eat it, and when I’m gonna eat it. If I’m not in the studio, I’m working out. If I’m not working out, I’m vigorously planning out my meals for the day. If I’m not doing that, then I’m out at the grocery store buying the specific things on my list, because, yes, there are specific things.

My brain gave me a whole, new, set of rules that I have to follow in order to live my life.

1\. Work out first thing in the morning, every single day, no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, sick, or lacking motivation. You do it.  
2\. Eat meals at certain times of the day. Breakfast 30 minutes after working out. Lunch 3 hours after that. Dinner 4 hours after that. You can’t eat anything after dinner, because that’s the last meal of the day.  
3\. Your main components of meals should be vegetables and protein. Carbs are a no-no, unless they’re complex, high fiber, or take a lot for your body to digest. Protein prevents you from losing muscle and gaining fat, which will help me for when I have to be super active on tour, and vegetables provide all those micronutrients that your body needs to function.  
4\. Drink a lot of caffeine. Not only does it give you energy, but it can also work as an appetite suppressant. It also raises metabolism, makes you shit, and can fuel productivity sessions because it’ll keep you alert and focused.

I could go on forever, but you probably already think I’m a complete nut, so let’s just leave it at that.

It’s just become so _rigid_. It’s kind of annoying. It feels compulsive, but I keep saying, if it helps give me structure and stabilizes my moods, then I have to keep doing it, because, well, my job means the world to me, and I won’t do anything that could risk me ruining it or even losing it.

_“And in a little while_  
_All the noise in your head will fade away_  
_And you will find some relief then_  
_Yeah, you will find some relief then_  
_And in a little while_  
_All the weight of the world feels like a light rain_  
_And you will find some relief then”_

My only hope is that I can keep everything at bay when I’m around DJ and Nikki. They won’t end up suspecting anything, will they?

_“Yeah, you will find some relief then...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! 
> 
> Let me know what you think, if you have any questions, or even if you literally hated it !! Lol
> 
> Stay safe and healthy! :)


	3. Sure Feels Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I... It reminds people that there’s a way out of the darkness. If you feel like you’re doomed or hopeless, there’s a way out. You have to take initiative to change, but there’s always a way out.”
> 
> I can’t help but feel like a hypocrite as I say that, because I’m starting to really wonder if there is a way out of the chaos that goes on in my head. 
> 
> Like... the numbers that are racing through it because of what I decided on eating for breakfast this morning... which... basically determines how I’ll be spending the rest of my day, and the day after that, and the day after that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I hope you are all staying safe and healthy with everything going on... stay home... social distance!!! Keep the hope! We’ll get through this! :)
> 
> I’m here with another chapter for you (yes, I felt motivated today!) It’s hard to write from the beginning because I have so many plans for where I want this story to go !!! 
> 
> As always I’ll put a TW for eating disorders (obvi) and any other mental health stuff. 
> 
> Things will get more intense and heavier topics will be discussed as the story goes on but I still want to put the warnings on beginning chapters just in case. Like I always say, your well being and mental health comes FIRST! Take care of yourself. 
> 
> Also I just really love the chemistry between Nikki DJ and James so this chapter was fun to write :). 
> 
> Let me know what you think or if you have any questions or suggestions!!!!
> 
> Enjoy :)

JAMES’ P.O.V:

“So, tell me, what are you the most excited about for this upcoming tour?”

We’re actually doing one of our last interviews before this tour actually starts.I don’t think it really hit me until earlier today that we really are hitting the road again. 

Man, our last tour was an absolute blast.I wouldn’t change anything about it.It was fantastic, and I’m so ready for this one to be even better.I mean, we recently recorded a double album, something we’ve never done before, so I’m excited about that in general, but I’m even more excited to be able to share so much new music with our audience.Being a music lover my whole life, I know how different the experience of seeing a band perform live is than just listening to the studio album in your house.I love listening to records, but hearing that same music live is just a totally different realm... it’s beautiful in every possible way it can be.

I look at the interviewer, put on my best smile, and passionately begin explaining our plans.

“Man... that’s a hard question, because there’s so much to be excited about...”

I’m sitting on a leather couch, with Nikki and DJ on both sides of me. 

“We just put out a double record, and it was such an amazing experience writing it and putting all of it together, so it’s going to be absolutely amazing to be able to perform all of this new music live.”

I think they know I’m about to go on a big, detailed, ramble, because I catch DJ giving me a smirk and playfully nudging my shoulder. 

I turn my head to face him, raise an eyebrow, and laugh.

“Oh, am I talking too much?Do you want a turn, buddy?”

I always like to mess with DJ.That’s just something that we do.He’s kinda like my little brother, and Nikki’s the older brother.

He snatches the microphone from me and I ruffle his black Mohawk.Nikki is just trying his best not to laugh at us, when I know he’s planning on doing something just as ridiculous.That’s how it usually is. 

People always comment on our performances and interviews saying that there’s such good chemistry between us.It makes sense.It’s crazy... I feel like I’ve known these two guys for way longer than I really have.We’ve explored such deep, heavy topics in our songwriting, so I think we formed a bond that’s stronger than most friends do.Being in SIXX AM really feels like a family to me... Like I said, we’re like three brothers.

“And, is it true that you designed the artwork for both album covers, DJ?”

I crack a smile as I look at him, because I know how hard he worked on that design and it came out so freakin’ cool.He deserves to let all of the compliments sink in. 

“Yes.Yes I did—-“

Our interviewer is a little too excited and basically cut the poor guy off.

“Well, I think they’re just spectacular.You have such a creative mind.You did an awesome job.”

DJ seems frozen in place and I can tell he feels a bit awkward, but he plays it off real well.He cracks a smile, and winks at me.

“Why...thank you.”

It’s hard to keep my composure around these two.Honestly, sometimes I wonder how interviewers actually take us seriously.We’re always goofing off, but that’s who we are.We shouldn’t have to hide it.

“Now... this is just a personal question, since I’m curious.I’ve listened to all of your albums and I’m fascinated with the heavy and sometimes taboo topics that your songs tell stories about.What made you feel comfortable enough to really dig deep into these things that most people don’t want to explore?”

_ Ah, this is the shit I love to talk about. _

“That’s an awesome question, and I agree with you, that a lot of people are scared to be vulnerable and really dig deep...”. I clear my throat. “I know for me, being able to be open about real struggles... inner demons... addiction... I think it helps release a lot of the shame and stigma that’s connected to it.It helps bring awareness.It helps others feel that they’re not alone, and that someone understands what they’re going through.”

Nikki chimes in.

“Definitely.I know when we wrote music for my book, “The Heroin Diaries”, I really wanted to speak the truth and be raw about addiction and all that it encompasses.I wanted us to put it all out there, and hopefully have others be able to connect to it in some way.”

He casually puts a hand on my shoulder, as I add to his explanation.

“Often times I feel that people connect really deeply to music, so I think that helps.”

DJ nods in agreement.I think we’ve proved our point well.

“Well, I’m impressed.I’ve always admired your willingness to really put the raw truth out there and not sugar coat things, especially because there’s very few bands that do.”

DJ smiles. 

“That’s the beauty of being in SIXX AM.We explore the decrepit, sick, things but always find a way to incorporate an element of hope.”

“Out of the songs on “Prayers for the Damned”, which is your favorite?”

I take a breath, and scratch my neck.

“Oh man... You keep hittin’ me with the hard questions.It’s tough to choose, because we put our heart and soul into each and every one so I fell in love with the whole album... “ I shrug my shoulders.“I guess if I HAD to choose, I would go for ‘You Have Come To The Right Place.’”

“That’s one of my favorites too, actually.Why does that one stand out to you?”

I pause, as I think of an answer.I’m noticing I’m starting to feel a little antsy and I’m not sure how much longer I can stay sitting here without jumping out of my skin.

Nikki and DJ are staring at me, and  _fuck_ I’m taking too long.I compose myself and give my explanation.

“I... It reminds people that there’s a way out of the darkness.If you feel like you’re doomed or hopeless, there’s a way out.You have to take initiative to change, but there’s always a way out.”

I can’t help but feel like a hypocrite as I say that, because I’m starting to really wonder if there is a way out of the chaos that goes on in my head. 

_ Like... the numbers that are racing through it because of what I decided on eating for breakfast this morning... which... basically determines how I’ll be spending the rest of my day, and the day after that, and the day after that... _

“I’m sorry.I realized I got off track, so back to the tour.How long is it expected to run for?”

I look over at DJ, who’s looking at me thinking I have the answer, which I do... but... my head is going in circles and if I try to answer, it’s definitely not coming out the way it was supposed to.

Nikki must realize that neither one of us is gonna end up speaking, so he jumps in.

“Well, we plan to stay out on the road for 4 months in the US.Then we’ll take a few weeks off until we hit Europe, and then Japan...”

Now, DJ decides to join in.

“Yeah, we’re gonna be all over the place.”

Me, on the other hand... not so much.

It’s becoming very difficult to focus, because now my mind is starting to race.Since the tour is starting next week, I need to figure everything out, between what clothes I’m bringing, where we’re staying, the food...

I can feel tension throughout my whole body.

_ The food. _

My heart rate begins to speed up.

_ Oh... god. _

I suddenly feel a nudge on my shoulder, from DJ, that snaps me back to reality.When the interviewer isn’t looking, he mouths to me.

“Dude.You good?”

I suddenly feel embarrassed because I’ve never spaced out like that during an interview before.All I can think to myself is that I really hope it wasn’t noticeable.

“Okay... Well, before we go, we have one last question for you.It’s actually a fan question, and it’s for DJ.”

You should see the big smirk he has on his face.He puts his hand on his heart.

“Oh boy... I’m flattered!”

“You ready?A fan wants to know how it feels to be the sexiest member of the band?”

Nikki’s mouth drops open in shock, I laugh, and DJ just sits there smiling.I don’t think he knows what to say.

“... What?”

Nikki’s in such disbelief, and he’s so dramatic sometimes that it’s hard to tell if he’s being completely sarcastic or not.Nah, I’m kidding.He’s the king of sarcasm and dark humor, but if I’m being real, I think he might actually be a bit jealous.

To be fair... I might be too.(Yeah... right.). I’ll play along, though.

“Yes, DJ.Tell us, how DOES it feel?”

I fake punch him on the cheek and am about to flick his head, as he swats my hand away, pretending to fix his “messed up” beautiful hair.

“I... I mean... it’s hard work.What can I say?”

I can’t hold it in any-more and let out a laugh.Nikki does too.So does the interviewer.

“I mean, to be fair, he DOES wear more makeup than my wife.”

Nikki’s remark left us all cracking up.It’s always nice to end an interview with some good classic comic relief.

“Well... I think that’s a wrap!Thank you so much for your time, and we wish you all the best on the road!SIXX AM, everyone!”

We all shake hands with the interviewer and thank her, as we begin making our way outside. 

I’m honestly relieved that we finished that interview, because I was really having trouble staying focused, since my mind decided to start racing real bad in the middle of it. 

I’m noticing that lately it’s been getting a lot harder to stay in the present moment because my head is constantly filled with thoughts revolving around food, exercise, numbers...

_ Food. _

Can I be honest?It’s fuckin’ annoying. 

It can go in circles forever.It spits out such stupid thoughts.I’m saying “stupid” because any other person in the world wouldn’t give a shit about what I obsess over. 

I mean, seriously?Who can’t focus on talking about how excited they are about their music and touring because they’re too busy trying to figure out what food they’re gonna bring on the road?I’m in a band.We can easily order food, or get catering, but  _no_ .Since my brain is so screwed up, I can’t eat what everyone else is eating like a normal person.No, no.I have to make a detailed grocery list of foods that are portable and part of the specific foods that I allow myself to eat. 

  1. _Protein bars_
  2. _Protein powder_
  3. _Powdered peanut butter_
  4. _Dried edamame_
  5. _Beef jerky_
  6. _Canned tuna_



I think if anyone else looked at this list, they would think it was for some bodybuilder in training... not the front-man of a metal band.

It’s fucked up because of how _rigid_ it is.If I do end up attempting to eat some of the catering or whatever everyone else is eating, I can only hope that one of my “safe” foods are there. 

It’s also screwed up because of how strict I am with the times I  have  to eat.I have set times that I decide it’s okay to eat, and times when it’s a big no-no.If something interrupts that, I know I’ll be swimming in anxiety... and probably won’t end up eating anything, because it would break my routine if I ate something  _different_ at a  _different_ time.

It’s  _control_. I feel like I have the control when I’m in charge of what I put in my body and what I don’t.It gives me that weird feeling of accomplishment when I can plan something and stick to it. 

The same goes for my exercise routine.I’m gonna have to fit in time frames when I can work out and it can’t interfere with whatever else is on our schedule for the day.It’ll probably end up working the best if I do it first thing in the morning.Get it out of the way... get myself energized and ready for the day. 

_ But... what if that doesn’t work?What if I end up having something in the morning and can’t do it until later on?Then I’ll have to figure out when in the afternoon I could do it, but it has to work with my meal times, because I have to wait at least 2 hours after eating to exercise or else I’ll feel sick and won’t have a good workout.  _

Jesus Christ, my head is spinning.It’s like a hamster on a wheel.It doesn’t ever stop.

I already know this is gonna cause issues on the road and even though I’m excited about it, I’m also starting to really freak out.It’s gonna be so hard to act normal.I already know DJ and Nikki are gonna catch on so I’m gonna have to really make an effort to be subtle.

_ Subtle really isn’t a word in the dictionary of a mental case. _

“James?”

Oh shit... How did I totally forget that DJ has probably been trying to get my attention for a while.

“Yo. I’ve been trying to get your attention for the past 5 minutes.”

_ God... what is... wrong with me? _

“Dude... I’m sor—-“

He gives me a strange look, almost like a mix of concern and confusion.

“What’s up with you today, man?You’ve been spacing out... a lot.”

I shrug my shoulders.

“I... I know.I don’t know.”I shake my head.“I didn’t sleep well at all last night.It might be catching up to me.”

DJ gives me a look of recognition, but then looks down.

“Damn.I know you have trouble sleeping a lot... Wish I could help.”

I smile, look down, and let out a light laugh.

“Don’t worry about it.I’m used to it.”

He nods his head in disapproval.

“That can’t be healthy.I don’t know how you function like that.”

I put my arm around him.

“Oh... come on... You know that’s what coffee is for!”

That receives a huge eye roll from DJ.Shouldn’t he be used to this by now?How long has he known me?

“Caffeine... Caffeine... Caffeine...”

“Can’t live without it!”

I take a deep breath and stretch, as Nikki joins the two of us.

“Are you discussing James’ coffee addiction again?”

He must have overheard our conversation.Wouldn’t be the first time.He’s got ears like a hawk.

“You, of all people, shouldn’t be talkin!”

Nice one, DJ. 

“Okay... fine.But, I’m working on drinking more water to counteract it!”I roll my eyes at him, and he gives me a look of defense.“Baby steps, okay!”

DJ’s rumbling stomach automatically interrupts the conversation.Nikki smirks.

“Geez, dude.You hungry or something?”

He gives a look of fake confusion.

“Noooo way.... Fuck yes.I’m starving.”

“Wanna grab something?It’s not like we have anything else planned for today.”

The look of relief on DJ’s face says it all.

“Yes, god, please.I feel like my stomachs eating itself!James, you in?”

I feel my body freezing up.

_ Uh.... fuck no. _

I shake my head.

“Man, I’m sorry.I totally forgot to feed Rocco before I left, and I still have a ton of shit to get done before we hit the road—-“

_ Yes, very “important” things... like exercising... planning... obsessing... _

DJ looks like he doesn’t even know what to say to my bullshit.

“Seriously?It can’t wait?”

I nod my head, trying my best to fake disappointment.Nikki puts an arm around me.

“You know James.He’s a typical workaholic.”

I crack a smile and shake my head.

“Yeah... Don’t worry.We’ll be spending a ton of time together on the road... It’s gonna be a blast.”

DJ and Nikki both nod in agreement.

“Fuck yeah, it is.”

I hear a vibrating from my phone, and when I check the time, I see the reminder pop up letting me know that it’s time for me to get back home and make my “lunch.”

I haven’t felt such a sense of urgency like this in a long time.My heart skips a beat as I make my way to my car.

“I’ll see ya, soon!”

The last thought that goes through my head as I’m leaving, is that I  really  hope that I’m as good of a liar as I think I am.

The thought after that thought?

_ How much I actually hate lying. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! :)


	4. Let's Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One moment I’m feeling great and everything is amazing and then the next, I feel like I’m being caught in a dark, depressing tornado, and then getting thrown straight into the flames of Hell.
> 
> Sounds crazy? Well, it is. This is what I live with on a daily basis.
> 
> Welcome to my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! 
> 
> I whipped up another chapter tonight (after tons of procrastination and lack of motivation) so I guess I feel a little productive lol. With everything going on in the world right now, I can say I’m going a little nuts!!! Writings a great outlet for me and it’s a way for me to get my creative juices flowing so it’s a win-win!
> 
> Anyway, I’ll put the usual TW for EATING DISORDERS and anything related to eating disorders!! 
> 
> This chapter really focuses on the thought processes of someone who has an eating disorder and what it’s really like in the mind of someone with it. (Like I mentioned, I have personally struggled with anorexia / bulimia so I can say that this IS really what it’s like in your head with these illnesses.... it SUCKS and it’s torturous!!!). But like I also said I want to raise awareness and educate as much as I can because I don’t think there is nearly enough knowledge about mental health and I want the stigma to GO AWAY!
> 
> Sooo I’m done rambling now. (Why do I always do this? I don’t know!!!!)
> 
> I hope you like it!! Let me know what you think :) (I’m always so insecure about my writing and never want to actually post it so your feedback is ALWAYS appreciated!)
> 
> And as always, STAY HEALTHY, STAY SAFE, and SOCIAL DISTANCE!!!! 
> 
> Love you guys !

JAMES’ P.O.V:

My heart is pounding out of my chest and my mind is racing, as I make my way into my kitchen. I immediately open the refrigerator, and reach in to grab some grilled chicken, so I could make a salad for my lunch.

The only problem is that I must have _thought_ I had it and was sadly mistaken, because there is no chicken to be seen.

I can feel my stomach drop as my heart skips a beat.

_No..._

I’m tensing up as I stare blankly at the inside of the fridge.

_No... God, no!_

That’s when I start frantically going through all of the containers, hoping that by some miracle, the grilled chicken I planned to eat would appear.

It takes a lot to hold myself back from slamming the fridge shut and throwing something. Honestly, all I want to do in this moment is scream.

_HOW could I have not remembered that I finished that up?!_

_You planned on eating grilled chicken so you could put it in a salad with all of your fresh vegetables that you bought the other day, but you finished the goddamn chicken and didn’t realize that?!_

_James, you’re a fuckin’ idiot!_

I run my hands through my hair and start pacing around my kitchen, trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do now.

I was already a bit anxious as it is since I was gonna be eating later than I usually do, because I completely lost track of time while I was chatting with Nikki and DJ after our interview, but now my head is about to explode because I don’t have the food I planned to eat.

So... now my whole plan for the day is completely _fucked_ up, and it’s _all my fault because I couldn’t keep myself on top of things because I can’t do anything right._

My brain is beginning to spit out venomous things about myself. What else is new? Sometimes I really can’t stand my mind. One moment I’m feeling great and everything is _amazing_ and then the next, I feel like I’m being caught in a dark, depressing tornado, and then getting thrown straight into the flames of Hell.

Sounds crazy? Well, it is. This is what I live with on a daily basis.

_Welcome to my life._

All I can think to myself is how much I wish I was normal right now. I can’t think of anyone I know who would be reacting this way to this situation, and it’s just hitting me more and more how fuckin’ _ridiculous_ my mind has become.

I suddenly stop pacing, because I’m realizing that I’m wasting even more time by freaking out and doing nothing about it. I take a deep breath in, as I squeeze my eyes shut.

_I’m gonna have to compromise._

It kills me to even think about that word. _Compromise._ That means being flexible. It means straying away from the plan... the structure... the predictability. Compromising feels uncomfortable, chaotic, and out of control.

 _Compromising_ feels unsafe and I don’t like it.

However, I’m trying to remind myself how compromising in this situation could actually be a _good_ thing. For one, if I just skip lunch altogether because my plans got fucked and I can’t handle doing something different, my metabolism will slow down. _It’ll slow down, and I’ll also be low on protein for the day which will fuck up the muscle that I built for this tour. If I don’t eat lunch, my body is going to think it’s being deprived, and it will start to eat at my muscle as fuel. And if it starts eating at my muscle, that will slow down my metabolism because the more muscle you have, the higher your metabolism is, and if my metabolism slows down, I’ll end up gaining weight and I’ll feel sluggish, worn down, and I’ll become a fat piece of fuckin’ shit——_

I’m just about ready to rip my head off because I can’t handle the bullshit that my mind is screaming at me.

_S H U T_

_T H E_

_F U C K_

_U P !_

The worst part of this is that I end up believing this so called ‘bullshit.’

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

I realize I have to make a quick decision before my head starts spinning again, and I’m already halfway out my door with my car keys in my hand.

I keep telling myself that it’ll be fine if I eat something different, as long as it matches the macros and nutrition info that my original lunch would have been.

I make it to my car, start the engine, and without thinking, begin speeding out of the driveway.

I made my decision: I’m going to the quickie mart and buying protein powder.

_No fuckin’ exceptions._

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

As I’m sitting here at the diner with Nikki, I can’t help but wonder what James had to do that was so important that he couldn’t come here with us.

I know what you’re thinking.

_How long have you known James? You know he’s a workaholic. He doesn’t take a break. Bla, bla, bla._

You’re absolutely right. James hasn’t changed much since I first met him. He’s been a high strung, workaholic all his life, I think. I remember even when we were working on music for “The Heroin Diaries” he was the same way. Then came, ‘This Is Gonna Hurt’ and ‘Modern Vintage.’ And this past year with our double album... forget about it. I’m convinced the dude didn’t sleep for at least 5 nights in a row, and if he did it was definitely in his studio.

So, yes, I _know_. James is a fuckin’ workaholic, but that’s the problem. I feel like he really doesn’t relax, and he’ll neglect so many things for the sake of productivity. Nikki keeps telling me that this is typical James behavior, which I know.

_“Come on DJ. You know James... This is how he is! Remember what he was like before our tour last year?”_

I forgot how crazy he got. The few weeks before our tour last year, he went completely nuts. He was all frantic and high energy and tried to make sure he got all of these things done before we hit the road. I guess that’s happening this year too.

I guess the good news is that since we’re gonna be touring, we’ll be spending so much time together that it’ll make up for the time that we didn’t get to see each other. I already know it’s gonna be an awesome few months. I can feel it in my bones.

It’s only two weeks away, but I just want these two weeks to fly by. I want it to come faster.

As Nikki said last year on tour, I’m ready for fuckin’ _world domination_!

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’m probably the only person who would urgently drive to a pharmacy to buy protein powder like my life depends on it, but _here_ I am.

My head is spinning with so many thoughts and my anxiety is so high that it’s making it quite difficult to figure out which isle I need to go to, even though I’ve bought protein powder here a ton of times before.

I can’t help but worry that the specific brand and flavor I want is not gonna be here and then I’m gonna be screwed...

_If they don’t have that one, you’re gonna have to check the nutrition labels on the ones they do have, and compare them to the one you wanted. Then you’ll have to buy the one that’s the most similar, but even if you do that it won’t be the same and you’re gonna have to go to a different store and look for the one you want. But, that will waste more time, so maybe you should just deal with the one you’ll have to buy, bu—-_

At this point, I’m expecting my head to pop right off of my body, and I’m shocked that it hasn’t yet. If I could scream at myself right now, I would, but I can’t, so I basically start silently pleading with my mind like a psychopath.

_Fuckin’ brain._

_Shut up for one goddamn second._

_Please._

It’s like I have an ongoing dialogue going on in my head all day, every single day. It used to be like that, but at least I was thinking about more exciting things, like music, producing, Rocco and my crazy ideas for songs... But now... it’s just _stupid_ things.

_Which protein powder has the most protein and the least calories?_

_Which protein bar tastes the best but has the most fiber in it so it won’t raise your blood sugar?_

_Which exercise will burn the most calories while conserving your muscle?_

_Which foods raise your metabolism while you digest them, but are also portable and easy to bring anywhere?_

I ignore my head the best I could, as I make my way to the nutrition supplement isle, and to my surprise, and relief, I spot the exact protein powder that I need. Without thinking twice, I grab it, and make my way to the check out line.

The last thing I think before I walk outside is that I _really_ hope that nobody recognized me.

~ ~ ~

I’ve been home for at least 20 minutes, and I still haven’t gotten myself to start eating yet.

I keep catching myself looking at the time, and all that’s doing is freaking me out even more. It’s after 2:30. I _never_ eat this late. Or, I can’t remember the last time I ever ate lunch this late.

_James, stop looking. It’s fine. You’re gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. Just push back the rest of your day and meal times if you’re freaking out so much. It’ll all balance out. It’s okay. Calm the hell down. Just start eating or else you’ll be eating your dinner at midnight!_

I squeeze my eyes shut, take a breath, and look down at the grotesque combination in front of me.

_Chocolate protein powder mixed into a container of plain Greek yogurt, and a chocolate chip cookie dough flavored protein bar on the side._

There’s really not a huge part of me that’s excited to eat this right now, but I can pretend, right? I’m cringing because if you ever told me years ago that I would be buying expensive protein powder and eating protein bars, I would have laughed in your face. If someone mentioned this kind of stuff to me years ago, I probably would have wanted to barf.

...and now look at me.

This is _pathetic_.

As I begin taking tiny spoonfuls of the protein powder and yogurt mixture, I can’t help but feel guilt and shame. Two very... unpleasant emotions.

I feel so bad for lying to Nikki and DJ about why I couldn’t go get something to eat with them. Trust me, if I wasn’t so screwed up in the head, I would have gone with them in a heartbeat. They’re like the two brothers I’ve never had, and I don’t think I’ve ever been in a bad mood when I’ve been with them.

But... oh _god_ , if I did go with them, and they saw the way I eat....

_I don’t even want to think about how embarrassing that would be._

I way I eat is so... _strange_ , to put it simply. I used to eat normally, until this shit happened. Now my world is filled with _rituals_ , or whatever you want to call them.

For example, if you were to put a sandwich in front of me, I wouldn’t be able to just pick it up and eat it. No, I would have to start picking off the crust first, and eat that. Then, I would either take tiny nibbles of the actual sandwich, or start eating the contents of it separately...

If I ever eat something that’s mixed together, like a casserole (which doesn’t happen often), I’ll end up dissecting it apart and picking things out of it, like a picky kid would. If I was eating a stir fry, I would separate the rice, vegetables, and meat, making sure they’re not touching. Then I would eat them in a specific order, usually the vegetables first and the carbs for last.

I’ll cut things up small, take tiny bites, over stir yogurt, eat slowly, rinse out canned tuna with water multiple times to make sure I get all of the sodium out...

 _Yeah_ , do you see why I will do anything in my power to avoid eating in front of anyone?

Fuck, now I can’t help but think about how all of this is gonna work while we’re on tour. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to avoid eating in front of DJ and Nikki. We’ll be together so much of the time, except when we stay in our own hotel rooms, but other than that... That’s gonna be so difficult, and I don’t even want to think about this right now, but here I go.

Our tour is basically two weeks away. Time is ticking and I still haven’t come up with a plan. What foods am I bringing? When am I going to fit in my workouts? How am I going to structure my time to be able to fit all of this in? How am I going to be subtle with all of this shit that I’m doing?

I take a breath.

 _Okay... James, calm your ass down_.

I already know our tour bus isn’t going to have enough room for me to do my workouts, and it’ll probably disturb everyone if I do because it’ll be loud, so I guess the days that we’re staying on the bus, I’ll go for a run or workout outside.

When we’re staying at a hotel, I could do whatever workout I want... even ones that involve burpees.

I feel a weird sense of relief now that I had the brain capacity to figure that out. That’s one less thing to worry about.

You know what? I think I’ll be okay. I don’t think it’ll be that hard. I already have a list of portable foods that I can bring, and all I need to do is buy them. I have enough clothes to pick from, along with all of our stage outfits, so I’m good on that. I figured out the exercise stuff.

That’s really it, right?

The rest is set in stone.

_The music._

_The passion._

_The storytelling._

_The jokes._

_The cheers from the audience._

_Record signings._

_Interviews._

The rest is what fulfills me as a human being.

Despite everything that’s going on, I know that music always has my back, and it is always what fills my soul.

~ ~ ~

_Two weeks later:_

My suitcase is filled with random clothes I gathered from my dresser, my notebook with all of my exercise routines, copious amounts of protein bars and other portable health foods, and of course, my headphones.

I think I’m all set.

_Let the madness begin..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO was this absolute trash or was it decent lololol (srsly my brain is telling me to delete this because it’s shit so idk )
> 
> Thanks for reading tho!!


	5. High On The Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never thought I would be feeling this much pressure at the dinner table. Usually this is how I feel when I’m in the studio, working my ass off to make a bad ass record, losing sleep over recording and mixing music. But this... this is a whole different universe.
> 
> This is pressure over eating a tiny piece of fuckin’ broccoli in front of your two favorite people.
> 
> Can this be any more pathetic?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!! 
> 
> Long time no see!! (I know.. I know... I’m hysterical 😂 JK). I don’t think I’ve ever put another chapter up so quick but my head has been crazy with ideas so I just felt like I HAD to write something or else I wouldn’t be able to calm it! So I did ! :)
> 
> This is a longer one. I didn’t realize how much I wrote until I read it and I was shocked because I don’t think I’ve ever written one this long but you know what, I got plans for this and a lot of motivation lately so I’m gonna run with it!
> 
> The usual TW for EATING DISORDERS and anything associated with them YADA YADA YADA (you know the deal!) . 
> 
> Also, I want to thank you for all of the feedback, recs, kudos, etc!! It really means so much to me that people are actually interested in reading this because I’m always so insecure and hesitant about putting it out there (since eating disorders aren’t talked about much especially in a non-sugar coated way...) I was scared that it would turn people away and freak them out, so again, THANK YOU!!! <3\. You guys seriously keep me going with this and I appreciate you guys so so so much!
> 
> As always...  
> STAY HEALTHY, SAFE SAFE, and SOCIAL DISTANCE!!! 
> 
> PS: If you have any questions about eating disorders or are curious about anything I write regarding them, PLEASE ask me!!! I am SO willing to educate and talk about it... I always say, the more knowledge the better :)
> 
> Ok , enjoy !!

DJ’s P.O.V:

_APRIL 30TH - (JACKSONVILLE, FL):_

We fuckin’ made it! We’re on our second world tour! Hell yeah, I am pumped up with adrenaline right now because I’ve been waiting for this day to come and we’re finally here! This is gonna be bad ass.

~ ~ ~

Our first show kicked ass! There was such a huge crowd and they were so loud and enthusiastic. James was like a rock god up on that stage. It’s crazy that he didn’t plan to be a performer in the first place and just wanted to be behind the scenes, because he belongs on stage. It all comes so naturally to him.

Nikki just has to appear for fans to go nuts. He’s iconic. He’s Nikki Fuckin’ Sixx. He doesn’t have to do a damn thing for someone to go crazy over him.

I think I did pretty well myself. I mean, that’s what Nikki and James keep telling me. The audience seemed to agree so I’m gonna go with that!

I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad time when I’m on stage with these two guys. I can’t wait to see what else this tour brings...

_MAY 1ST - (FORT MYERS, FL)_ :

First show was awesome!  
Second was even better!

James was buzzing with energy and put his whole heart and soul into his singing. Nikki was his badass self as usual. The fans went nuts. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

_MAY 3RD - (NASHVILLE, TN)_

We rocked it yet again! The crowd was insane and wouldn’t stop singing along. At the end of the show, James brought a little girl on stage during the finale and it was the cutest thing. I love seeing younger fans.

_MAY 4TH - (BIRMINGHAM, AL):_

Me and Nikki goofed off a lot during this one. We always do but I think it was escalated by twenty. We bumped into each other a few times, and every time we did, I winked at Nikki and he poked my nose. We’re grown men and we act like little kids. I love it. James is so used to our antics and thinks nothing of it... but I’m not letting him get away with thinking I didn’t see him smile and laugh to himself.

_MAY 6TH - (CHARLOTTE, NC)_ :

We had an interview before the show today, and we had to answer the weirdest questions. One of them was ‘What was the last furry thing you touched?’, and James said, ‘DJ’s hair.’ That cracked all of us up. I also learned that Nikki’s guilty pleasure Disney movie is Aladdin, and James got called out by Nikki for listening to the ‘Ice Age’ soundtrack in his bunk on the bus last night.

Then, during tonight’s show, someone threw a pair of underwear on stage, and they almost hit me in the face.

So... very interesting day.

_MAY 7TH - (RICHMOND, VA)_ :

The tour bus is an interesting place to be. It always smells like absolute ASS because there’s three sweaty dudes (us... obviously) crowded together in close corners.

Strange things also tend to happen on it, like contests to see who can hit the highest note without sounding like a bird, even though James does a creepily good bird impression.

Nikki taught us that a pig’s junk is shaped like a corkscrew.

Me and James broke into ridiculous dance moves backstage, and Nikki just laughed at us.

I accidentally took a sip of James’ protein shake, and almost barfed.

So... another interesting day.

_MAY 8TH - (BETHLEHEM, PA):_

I must have seen James chug at least 8 cups of coffee throughout the course of today. By the time it was time for our show, he was jittery as fuck and literally started doing jumping jacks right before we went on. I wonder how much sleep he’s getting... if he’s getting any at all.

_MAY 9TH - DAY OFF_

We’re been working so fuckin’ hard this whole week. I think we deserve a nice, chill day off, and I want to spend it together. I think I’ll order some food and we can all eat together in our hotel room. Even better, I’ll surprise them!

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

So, we’ve officially been out on the road for a full week! That flew by, I can’t believe it.

I think the tour has been going well. The audience seems to think so too! There’s no feeling better than going onstage and hearing a crowd of screaming fans sing along to your songs. It gives me chills every single time I hear them sing ‘Life is Beautiful.’

I’m pleasantly surprised that my head hasn’t been driving me _completely_ nuts. I mean, trust me, it’s still being a little parasite, but I’ve been able to silence it a little. I’ve been able to get it to quiet down so I could actually do the things I have to function on stage.

My plans for exercising have worked out well so far. When we’re on the bus, I usually go for a run or do some kind of workout outside. Then, when we’re staying at a hotel, like we are now, I’ve been doing my normal workouts that I would do at home... all that high intensity stuff! It cracks me up to see Nikki and DJ’s eyes bug out when they watch me. They’ve admitted that they get curious how I have so much energy even when I don’t sleep and I perform almost every night.

Yeah... I often wonder that too, _especially_ because I’ve actually ended up eating less than I had planned this whole week. This sounds sick, but things have been working out better this way. There’s less planning and preparation involved, and less obsessing. It’s easy. When it’s time to eat, I’ll grab a protein bar or one of the other portable foods I brought from my suitcase, and I’ll be on my way to whatever interview or press conference we have to do.

I’ve also been drinking double the amount of caffeine I was before. I was already drinking a ton, but now I’m basically swimming in it. I’m sleeping horribly, so it helps the next day. Since I’m eating less, it helps keep my energy up, and it also suppresses my appetite so I won’t end up eating more and then obsessing over it.

Basically, caffeine is my life saver right now, and that’s definitely the answer to why I’m so fuckin’ energized when I really _shouldn’t_ be.

You know what? I’m not gonna question anything. I’m just relieved that things are working out. I hope it stays this way.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that me, Nikki, and DJ are actually sharing a hotel room this time. It’s a huge suite.... definitely a nice break from the crowded tour bus! DJ cracks me up because he’s so enthusiastic about everything. I swear, I must have caught him jumping on one of the beds at least 3 times. Speaking of DJ, I have no idea where he is. Nikki’s in the bathroom, probably fixing his hair. He could be such a diva sometimes, but he won’t ever admit that.

A knock on the door snaps me out of my trance, and I jump a little at the sound.

_What the hell?_

The next thing I know, I see DJ bolting through the door with a huge cheesy grin on his face.

“Hey, dudes! I ordered Chinese!”

He slams the two huge bags on the table in front of me, the scent already getting my nerves up. I try my best to fake a smile, but only I know how much this is killing me.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending everything’s okay. This takes a ton of work. It’s exhausting.

“That was sweet of you man, but you didn’t have to do that...”

He responds by giving me a lovable smack on my back.

“Oh come on, dude! It’s the least I could do. We’ve all been working so hard on this tour. We need a night to just relax and chill out!”

I mean... he wasn’t wrong.

“Oh, hey. Where’s Nikki?”

I look up and point towards the other room.

“He’s in the bathroom. He should be right out.”

As if on cue, Nikki came right out the door just as I said that. He sees DJ and smiles.

“Oh hey, man!”

DJ grins and rubs his hands together. “I got Chinese.”

Nikki smirks in satisfaction, as him and DJ exchange high fives.

“Fuck yeah!”

I take a deep breath, to try to calm my racing brain.

_How the hell do you expect to be able to eat that stuff? In front of them?? How are you supposed to get out of that? And you still need to get your ass up and do your workout... You’re gonna have to do double the amount of exercise if you let your fat ass eat that shit. This is your fault. This is what you get. You’re gonna just have to deal with it now._

_For now... just try to act... normal._

“James?”

I look up to see DJ staring at me.

I must have spaced out a little because he looks confused as if he’s been trying to get my attention for a while. I can feel myself flushing a little... I’m a little embarrassed, not gonna lie.

“You good, man? Feel like I lost ya for a second there.”

I blink a few times and nod my head quickly.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

I could see Nikki’s suspicious stare out from the corner of my eye. Maybe this isn’t gonna be as easy as I thought.

“Well... what are we waiting for? Let’s CHOW DOWN!”

I grin. DJ is always so enthusiastic. He’s like a little kid.

Before I could even blink, a plate is placed in front of me, and DJ fills it up with heaping amounts of chicken and broccoli, and white rice. I couldn’t even stop him if I tried. I’m internally cringing. I can feel my whole body tensing up and my heart rate is speeding up.

Just staring at the food is giving me anxiety. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m not even hungry, but I know I’m gonna have to try to have at least a tiny bit of what’s there. If I say I’m not hungry, I know that’s not gonna fly, especially with these two.

That doesn’t mean I don’t try though.

“Wow... That’s a lot of food, DJ.” My eyes widen as I let out a forced laugh. “I don’t think I’ll be able to finish all of that... I’m not even that hungry...”

DJ looks at me, raises an eyebrow, and laughs.

“Yeah.... right.”

He looks over to Nikki, who is in the middle of devouring an egg roll. He just shrugs his shoulders.

“This doofus is saying he’s not hungry. Who is he foolin’?!”

Nikki finally pays attention and looks up at me.

“Oh... Come on, man. We both know that you didn’t eat anything all day. And no... coffee DOESN’T count!”

“Yeah, dude, you and all your caffeine! I don’t understand how you live off of that stuff.”

I smirk, because these kinds of conversations are pretty typical for us. I do drink a lot of coffee... Definitely more than the average person. You know what? That’s probably why I can never sleep.

“I don’t know man. What I do know is that it makes him a complete badass on stage.”

DJ nods and smiles at me.

“I mean, he’s amazing in general, but the caffeine probably just enhances it.”

I don’t know what to say to any of this, but I’m grateful for the distraction, because I don’t think either of the two have noticed how I’ve cut up my food meticulously yet. I realize I look like a crazy person right now, but now everything is so habitual, I don’t think I could stop myself even if I wanted to.

I’m focusing on the broccoli. It’s easier to cut up and move around. Then, since the chicken is all cut up, it’s easy to mix the two together. The rice is the issue, and just looking at it is making me uncomfortable. I don’t remember the last time I ate something with that many carbs in it. Refined carbs, specifically. Maybe if it was brown rice, I would feel a little less tense, but no. Of course DJ had to go for the pure white.

“Hey... Aren’t you gonna eat something?”

I’m again snapped out of my trance with DJ’s face hovering over my plate, staring at it with a look of slight confusion.

I stare back at him, slightly annoyed, but I’m trying to not show that. I shrug my shoulders.

“I told you I’m not that hungry.”

He’s not taking that response.

He won’t stop staring at my plate and if I’m being completely honest, it’s making me very uncomfortable.

“I mean, I see you made some nice designs with your chicken and broccoli, but... “ He looks at me, “Seriously, dude, what’s up?”

I really just want to run away right now. I haven’t been in such an awkward situation in such a long time. I feel my whole body getting hot, and I’m beginning to figit around.

I hold my plate out to DJ, giggling.

“You can totally have it if you want.”

DJ smirks and nods his head slowly, no, as he looks around at all of the food containers on the table.

“No, no. I got plenty for myself over here.”

He takes the plate from me and puts it right back in the same spot it was before... Right in front of me.

It takes a ton of strength for me to not groan and push it away.

Nikki finally chimes in.

“If you’re not hungry for this, then at least try to have some nutrition in what you drink. You’re gonna need the energy for tomorrow’s show... Can’t just live off of coffee.”

DJ smirks at me.

“Yeah, see? Listen to daddy Sixx over here! You can’t live off of coffee!”

Look, I love DJ, but god he’s being so obnoxious right now. As for Nikki’s suggestion... Drinking calories is actually a scarier option than the food, so I might have to actually make an effort here.

“Actually, Nikki. You’re right, I need the energy. I’ll just try to have some of this...”.

_And the performance of a lifetime begins..._

“Wow, Nikki. I don’t know how you do it, but you got the magic touch or something! You get him to do things no one could ever get him to do.”

DJ’s enthusiasm just skyrocketed by five, if that’s even possible.

I look down at the plate, and start to separate the chicken and the broccoli again, this time cutting the broccoli into even smaller pieces. If I have to get away with eating something, I’m making it as small as possible. I have to.

I could already feel DJ cringing as I’m doing this ungodly act. I don’t have to look up to know he’s staring me down so hard that he could probably see right through my skin.

I never thought I would be feeling this much pressure at the dinner table. Usually this is how I feel when I’m in the studio, working my ass off to make a bad ass record, losing sleep over recording and mixing music. But this... this is a whole different universe.

This is pressure over eating a tiny piece of fuckin’ broccoli in front of your two favorite people.

_Can this be any more pathetic?_

I take a breath, as I finally raise my fork up to my mouth, eyeing the minuscule scrap of green that’s on it. That is... until...

“Oh.... for the LOVE of GOD...”

DJ looks so pained, and in disbelief, and I can’t really blame him. If I saw someone eating as ridiculously as me right now, I would probably have a similar reaction.

But, on the other hand, seriously. Give me a break. I’m forcing myself to take a bite of this crap just for them. Im making an effort here, and to them it probably looks like nothing, but trust me, I would do anything to get out of this right now. This is near excruciating.

I look up into his wide, blue eyes.

“Yes?”

DJ’s arms start to flail around as he tries to find the right words to form a sentence.

“I... I don’t understand—-“

Nikki puts a hand on his back to try to get him to chill out.

“Listen, if he’s not hungry, he’s not hungry. He’s a big boy. He’ll eat it later.”

As soon as he said that, I felt a slight sense of relief, but honestly, even I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

I won’t be surprised if I get a lecture from him later tonight.

“Yeah... Listen, I’ll probably want some later on. I’ll just put it in the fridge and save it.”

As I grab my plate and put it in the refrigerator, I go up to DJ and put my arm around him.

“And hey... This was nice, man. Thanks bud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was actually really fun to write (especially the part from DJ’s POV.). They really are goofballs and I thought we needed a bit of comic relief from all the intense stuff !!!!


	6. Can't Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things just can’t be unseen. This was one of them. 
> 
> His stomach is looking concave and sunken in. I could start to see the outlines of his ribs poking out through his tattooed skin, and all of his muscles seem extremely defined... Probably from the lack of body fat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!
> 
> I don’t know where I’m getting all of this motivation from but I’m on a roll lately!!
> 
> TW for EATING DISORDERS (the usual)
> 
> Side note: The thought processes that go on are REAL- it’s really what goes on in the head of someone with an eating disorder and it might sound completely insane to you guys but I swear this would happen to me 24/7!!! 
> 
> Okay it’s 11 at night and I worked today so I’m half asleep but I wanted to post this so I’m gonna stop rambling here!!!
> 
> Thank you for all the support as always :)

JAMES’ P.O.V:

The second I walk out of the kitchen area, and into my room, I feel like a weight is lifted right off of my shoulders.

_Thank god that’s over._

I had no clue in the world that DJ was gonna bring us food. I wasn’t prepared for that at all, and I had to think quick in the moment because I knew there was no fuckin’ way I would be able to get out of it completely.

Even though I’m relieved, my head is spinning just thinking about what would have happened if I actually _had_ to eat what DJ put in front of me.

First of all, it’s giving me anxiety just thinking about how much sodium was in the sauce in the chicken to begin with. Chinese food is notorious for being loaded with salt, and that’s something that I really try to avoid at all costs. It causes water retention and that freaks me the fuck out because I feel weighed down and heavy, even though I know it’s not real weight and it’s just water.... It still makes me feel some sort of way. It would make me swell up and look puffy, it causes high blood pressure, and your electrolytes go out of wack. Eating too much salt causes dehydration, which in turn slows your metabolism, so then you would end up actually gaining real weight.

Then... the meal in general. How many calories would I have eaten just for that one meal? God... a number I haven’t seen in a long, long, _long_ , time.

I honestly would have been okay with the broccoli, because it’s a cruciferous vegetable. Foods like that have a lot of fiber which make it harder for your body to break down, which in turn leads you to burn more calories just by digesting it. The only problem is that it had the sauce on it, which made it a big no-no.

The same happened with the chicken. Protein is probably the safest kind of food for me to eat. When I say “safe”, I’m talking about something that I’m decently comfortable eating. Protein is one of those magical foods, I think. It doesn’t increase your blood sugar, it takes the most energy for your body to break down, and it keeps you full. Not to mention, if you don’t eat enough protein, you can’t maintain your muscle mass. Basically, there’s really nothing negative I have to say about it, which is rare when I’m talking about food.

But yet again... the sauce had to ruin it. It became _contaminated_.

The rice would have been a straight out no from the start, sauce or not. I hardly eat carbs to begin with, and when I do they have to be complex. This was refined, white rice. There was no way in hell that I would have put any of that in my stomach.

No freaking way.

It would spike my blood sugar levels, and then I would start gaining weight, because you can’t lose weight if your insulin levels are high. Not to mention, it has absolutely no nutritional value and I would have just eaten ‘empty’ calories.

I know my brain is running in circles. I’m spiraling into a dark tornado of numerical values that shouldn’t mean a damn thing to me, but they do.

I feel like all I do is fuckin’ count. I count the calories of what I eat. I count the calories of things I don’t even eat. I go to the grocery store and can easily calculate the calories of stuff on the shelves without looking at the nutrition label. I’ve become a living calculator. I just look at food and I see a number instead of the food.

_Numbers._

That’s what’s going through my head right now.

_Numbers._

_Calories._

_Calculations._

Not only about the food, but about exercise...

I need to be honest. Days off freak me out, and I obsess a lot more, because I know I’m burning less calories from not performing. So now my head is trying to calculate ways that I can burn more calories to make up for not running around on stage all night. I’m actually pacing around the room right now. I’m not sure when I started but now I can’t get myself to stop. It’s partly from anxiety, but the rest is intentional. At least if I do this, I’ll get steps in for the day.

This is gonna sound ridiculous, but sometimes I count the steps in my head. It drives me completely insane, but at least I have an exact calculation and not just some guess. Even on stage, it happens sometimes.

I’m always thinking of ways that I can burn more calories, whether it’s taking a shower with cold water to raise metabolism, sneaking more exercise in before shows like jumping jacks, or even using a lot of spicy condiments on my food.

That’s just a few... I have a whole list in my suitcase, but I don’t need anyone thinking I’m even crazier than I am already, so... that’s that.

I’m still pacing, and I’m realizing that the louder my thoughts get, the faster I go.

Imagine if someone caught me in here doing this. I would be so embarrassed, but luckily I think DJ and Nikki are pretty distracted right now.

~ ~ ~

_2:00 am_

Now that I’m certain that DJ and Nikki are in their beds, asleep, I need to get my dirty work done.

I’ve done this a ton of times before, so it’s become easy for me to tip toe around things, being very sneaky and quiet. It’s super quiet in this room too, so it’s even more important for me to make sure I don’t make any noise. It’s two in the morning. No one should be awake right now, but here I am, a mental case who’s about to do something that most people would just cringe at. Half of me wants to slap myself in the face for being this way, but the other half knows this is what I have to do because there’s no other option right now.

I make it to the kitchen, and without turning the lights on, open up the refrigerator, and.... there it is. My plate of unfinished, dismantled Chinese food that I said I was gonna eat “later.” “Later” my ass. We all know where it’s going. Straight to the trash.

It’s not that simple though. If I decided to just throw it in the trash, Nikki or DJ would use the garbage and see it there, and that would raise suspicions. Even if I did that and then decided to take the trash out, the odor of the food would probably still be there, and these two aren’t as oblivious as one may think, especially Nikki. He would catch onto that in a second.

So no, the garbage can won’t work... but I know something else that would.

And that’s how I found myself locked in the bathroom, at two in the morning, dumping the food down the toilet, and flushing it all the way down.

_Way to waste precious food, James._

_Way to throw away acts of love and kindness from your band mates that love and appreciate you._

_Way to be a mental case._

I feel horrible doing this, I really do. But I would rather do this than have those two worry about me. I don’t need them using all of their energy that they could be using on this tour to be concerned over me. I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.... sometimes. I mean, I think I’m handling all of this pretty well considering everything that’s been going on. I’m alive and standing, and I’m still able to perform fine. It’s fine.

It’s all _fine_.

That’s the last thought that goes through my mind as I get back in the kitchen to brew myself more coffee, because in case you forgot, I still have a workout to do. And _fuck_ , there’s really no part of me that wants to do it, but there’s no way I’m skipping it.

Thank god for caffeine. It brings out the magic in me that nothing else can.

I remember those nights I had stayed up in the studio for days on end, obsessing over perfecting the sound of SIXX A.M. records. I wouldn’t leave that room, even if my life depended on it. My tolerance for caffeine is ridiculously high because of the insane amount that I would down during those times. Now if I don’t have it, my body doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, and I can’t function. Not only does it fuel my manic episodes and productivity obsessions, but it also suppresses my appetite and gives me the energy that I would have gotten from food... except.... without the empty calories.

I take a deep breath, as I down the coffee that just finished brewing, leaving a bitter aftertaste that leaves my throat feeling raw.

_This is it._

_It’s time._

* * *

_5:00 am_

Well... I’m finished.

I was originally only gonna work out for an hour, but I ended up going for 3 hours straight. That coffee gave me way more energy than I thought it would and I couldn’t stop myself. Now it’s 5 in the morning and there goes another night of no sleep, but what’s new around here? Even when I do sleep, it’s no more than 2 or 3 hours tops. It’s usually just me twisting and turning, in and out of sleep any-way. I almost feel like it’s not even worth it to try to sleep if I’m gonna end up with a horrible attempt in the end. I would rather just stay up and do something productive.

I mean... if you would call exercising like a maniac productive, I guess.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a “maniac.” Sure, I AM manic, but exercising is a good thing, right? I’ve never heard anything bad about working out which is why I ended up gravitating towards it in the first place. I’ve found that it increases my energy and helps me perform better every night. It brings out the endorphins that my disturbed brain craves so much, and it keeps me out of a depressive state.

Why in the world would I just give that up?

Now that I’m done, I really don’t know what to do with myself. Nikki and DJ are still asleep, and here I am, wide awake, jittery as ever, not knowing what to do with all of this energy. Honestly, wouldn’t a normal person be completely worn out right now? They would probably do anything to just plop right into bed and relax.

I can’t relax. I don’t think I know how to do that. The only times I end up laying my ass down is when I’m in a depressive episode, where all of my motivation for everything diminishes completely. All of the energy I usually have disappears into thin air, and I have no desire to be part of the world.

Thankfully, I haven’t had a depressive episode in a while.

See? The crazy things I do have _some_ benefit...

Right?

~ ~ ~

_Three days later:_

DJ’s P.O.V.

I haven’t told anyone this, but I’m worried about James.

I’ve noticed him acting strange since the beginning of this tour, but I haven’t said anything to him about it, because he’ll probably think I’m overreacting or something. I don’t think I am. I wish I was, but things like this don’t just happen out of the blue, and they’re not in any way shape or form “the norm”.

We all know James. When he gets excited about something, he goes all in. When he’s in one of his productivity phases, he’ll lose sleep over working hard on mixing records, or preparing for shows. Then he forgets to eat, and ends up living off of pure caffeine. Yeah, we know that about James.

This is more than that now. We’re done mixing our record. We’ve been done with this for a while. I mean, we’re touring now. There’s no more work to be done in that realm. We’re on stage almost every night, using all of our energy to give our audience the best performance of their lives, and whenever we have down time, we should try to cherish that. Cherish, meaning resting. Nourishing our bodies. Hydrating.

I don’t think James ever got out of his mad scientist producer phase, because I don’t think the dude rests at all. I never see him sleep at night, and he is definitely not eating. James is naturally a thin guy, but honestly he’s not looking so hot these days. I don’t know what’s going on, but I think he’s losing weight and it’s concerning me a little that it seems like he’s just downing cups of coffee after cups of coffee after cups of coffee. He’s relying on that to get his energy instead of food. I don’t know why. I’m not even sure if I should be overthinking this as much as I am right now, but I’m telling you, he’s gone through phases like this where he’s not taking the best care of himself, but this phase is turning out to be a lot longer than it should be....

Nikki hasn’t said anything to me about it, so am I just catastrophizing about this? Should I just let it go and hopefully it’ll settle itself and things will fall back into place? Look, I might be the youngest one in this band, but I’m very observant, and I always get this feeling in my gut when I know that something is wrong. I can’t just ignore my intuition, and right now is one of those times...

My train of thought is broken as I hear the key rattling from outside the door.

My confusion turns to relief the second I see James coming through. I was wondering where the hell he was. I jump up.

“Dude, you’ve been gone for the longest time. Where have you been?!”

“Oh, I was out running—-“

I don’t even let him finish because I feel like I heard him wrong. My eyes are basically bulging out of my sockets.

“Running?!”

If you look out the window, it’s pouring rain out and looks like it’s gonna storm.

“In _this_ shit weather?!”

James looks taken aback by my intense reaction.

“Hey, it’s all good. I made it back in one piece.”

I roll my eyes because of his sarcasm, and also because of how nonchalant he sounds about this whole thing. As if going out running for hours in the pouring rain is completely _normal_.

James walks over to the closet to hang up his soaked wet sweatshirt, and as he lifts it off, his other shirt lifts up as well and I catch a glimpse of his full torso.

 _Jesus Christ_.

Even though it was only for a split second, some things just can’t be unseen. This was one of them.

His stomach is looking _concave_ and sunken in. I could start to see the outlines of his ribs poking out through his tattooed skin, and all of his muscles seem extremely _defined_... Probably from the lack of body fat.

I turn my head away, and blink a few times, trying to make it seem like I wasn’t staring him down like a creep.

I notice James walking towards his room, and hesitantly follow him, and grab his shoulder gently.

He turns his head and smiles at me.

“Yeah?”

I pause, take a breath, and ask in a soft voice.

“Don’t you think you’re.... overdoing it a little?” I look into his bright blue eyes. “I mean... the exercise?”

James smiles and nods his head, no.

“ ‘Course not. I’m just making sure I’m in the best shape for this tour.”

I frown, slightly.

“But, dude... You just worked out this morning.”

James’ eyebrows furrow at my concern.

“So? I can’t be the only person who exercises more than once a day... “ He pats my head playfully. “Come on, man.”

I blurt out the thoughts in my head without even thinking.

“Look, I get that you want to be in good shape. That’s great and all, but like.... even I can tell you’re losing weight which you of all people DON’T need—-“

_Maybe it’s a good thing that I got cut off._

James lets out a light laugh, smiles, and pats my shoulder.

“Ohhh right buddy, I’m gonna shower because I probably smell like shit right now. Go and see where the Sixxster is and we can all do something together.”

The door is gently closed and I walk away and let out a loud sigh.

 _Avoidance_.

I can feel myself tensing up.

 _Figures_.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

Well, I know one thing for sure.

Exercising is being done in the middle of the night for now on.

I can’t have anyone raise any more suspicions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeeeh thanks for reading if u got this far lolol 
> 
> I’m half asleep sorry lmao


	7. Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there really was something wrong, wouldn’t he tell us? Would he say something to me and Nikki?
> 
> We’ve told each other everything over the years. We know some of each other’s deepest, darkest, secrets and demons that most people would never openly expose.
> 
> He knows he can trust me and Nikki with his life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It’s 2 in the morning and the only reason I’m not asleep is because I knew if I didn’t get these ideas for this chapter out of my head I would have been doomed with bad writers block (I’m notorious for that) so I stayed up and wrote!! 
> 
> This chapter felt so real for me to write because it discusses BODY DYSMORPHIA which in many cases goes along with eating disorders. Honestly most of what is talked about in this particular chapter is actual stuff that I’ve dealt with (most of the story is but these specific situations hit home so yeah). Sorry I’m rambling.
> 
> TW EATING DISORDERS, BODY DYSMORPHIA, and MENTAL ILLNESS 
> 
> As always thank you for all of your support and feedback!!! It keeps me going, especially because I never think my writing is good and always have urges to delete my stories... 🙃 I keep writing them though cause I’m a weirdo lololol 
> 
> (Okay I’m delirious and sleep deprived and I’m not making sense so I’ll leave ya with that!!!!)
> 
> Goodnight ❤️

JAMES’ P.O.V:

Well... that was fuckin’ awkward.

All I did was go for a run, and yes I know it was raining out, but I really wasn’t expecting such an intense reaction from DJ about that, of all things. I really had to try to play it cool because I felt myself ready to snap, and I would have felt really bad if I did that. It wasn’t easy, trust me. That’s why I’m so relieved that I was able to escape the situation.

But... really? He told me that I’m losing weight. I was... to be completely honest, surprised. Maybe confused is the better word.

Me? Losing weight?

I don’t think so.

That was never even my intention in the first place, so I really don’t know where he got that crazy idea from. I’m staring at myself in the mirror because I need to shower, and I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that DJ thinks I’m losing weight. I don’t see it. I’m staring right at my body, and there’s no freakin’ way that’s true. First of all, all of my clothes fit me the same. Second, if I’m exercising and trying to build muscle, I would be _gaining_ weight. And third... The weather was so humid and sticky that I think I look swelled up and puffy. My clothes were sticking to me the whole time I was running and it made me feel a little uncomfortable, to be honest. I felt heavy and weighed down, so it made me want to run even more. I’m probably retaining water from that and I don’t think I was able to sweat all of it out.

The more I’m looking at myself, the more I see it. My eyes look the way you do when you first wake up in the morning. My face looks swelled. My fingers feel like sausages right now, so thank god I’m not wearing rings. They would have left such bad indents. My pants are still sticking to my thighs, and I want to rip them off. I almost want to rip my entire body off right now... I just... I’m not feeling secure. I can’t explain why. I just don’t. I almost feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin.

This is a weird feeling... I’ve never really felt like this regarding my body before. Maybe it’s because I’m overthinking this whole ‘losing weight’ thing, since I never even thought about that before. I don’t know, but now I can’t stop thinking about that. He must be seeing things, or imagining something. The dude does have an interesting imagination so I don’t think that idea is too far fetched.

You know what I’m noticing? Now I can’t really get myself to get away from my own reflection. I’m really trying to figure out how the hell DJ sees weight loss on me. How deep do I need to look? Do I need a magnifying glass? I’m sorry, but I literally don’t fuckin’ see it.

Am I the crazy one here? I don’t even know any-more. I can’t be. How can I be? I know my own body. I live in this body. Wouldn’t I be the one to know if any changes are happening? I know the sensations. I know what it feels like to live in it. I think I would be the expert at this.

My mind is racing now, but you know what? I don’t really care! I need to set this whole thing straight. I need to figure this out. That’s why I’m still stuck here staring at myself.

I could swear that my whole body actually looks bigger... I don’t know. My mind might be playing games with me, but I know for a fuckin’ fact that I am NOT losing weight.

I almost want to laugh because it’s so obvious that it’s complete bullshit.

You know what? Even if he was right about it, what would be the problem if I did lose weight?

And now that I’m thinking about it... With how much exercise I do, shouldn’t I be losing weight? I mean, that’s not what I wanted but I shouldn’t be getting... bigger?

Okay, I’m sounding really fucked up right now. Sometimes I’m really happy that no one can hear the thoughts that go on inside my head. I would probably get sent to a mental hospital. I really should have been to one multiple times in my life! God, I’m fucked up and should really just stop. It is possible for you to annoy yourself? Because I think that’s happening, and I kind of wish I could punch myself in the face because I’m pissing myself off.

Speaking of being irritated, that reminds me of the other thing that DJ said...

His voice keeps echoing in my head, and it’s really irking me thinking about it. I can feel myself beginning to bubble up with frustration, and my muscles are tensing up even more than they were before.

_“Don’t you think you’re overdoing it a little.... I mean, the exercise?”_

Look, I know I exercise a lot. Okay, I do. But... you _have_ to understand _why._

I haven’t had a depressive episode in such a long time now, and it’s because of the structure that all of the workouts give me. I get a huge adrenaline rush every time I do it. It might feel like absolute hell in the moment but I know it always pays off afterwards.

DJ thinks I’m overdoing it, but I don’t. I'm exercising a lot but I don’t think it’s a bad thing! There’s literal scientific evidence that shows how exercising is beneficial in so many ways. No one ever said anything negative about working out.

He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. If he was in my shoes he would understand why I do the shit I do. My moods have never felt this stable in my life. I’ve been desperate for relief from my fuckin’ bipolar mood swings for the longest time, and now I finally found something that _works_.

 _Please_... God help me if someone tries to take this away from me!

I have structure in my life now. I have something to occupy me. I have something that makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel like I’m able to accomplish something. I have something that gives me a sense of control and safety when a lot of other things in my life have felt chaotic and completely unpredictable.

I finally feel at peace. Yes, sure my head feels screwed up a lot of the time, and I’m sometimes obsessing an unreasonable amount, but you know what? All of those other things I just mentioned completely outweighs that shit! I can deal with the obsessions and the rituals and all the other crazy things that I do.

But, I cannot, and I really mean, _cannot_ deal with another depressive episode. Those turn scary really fuckin’ fast and I don’t want to go down that route if I don’t have to. There were times when I literally wasn’t able to move myself out of my bed. And I’m not talking about hours... I’m talking about days... Sometimes weeks. I would just be locked up in my room, curled up in my bed, feeling nothing but absolute despair and numbness. All of my senses were diminished and I didn’t even feel like I was existing. I almost felt out of touch with reality, my body, the world. My head would just spin in circles... spiraling into a deep black hole of intense negativity. It repeated the list of reasons of why I’m such a horrible person... Why nothing mattered any-more... Why I couldn’t ever do anything right... Why I should just give up on everything I worked so hard for... My mind was just convincing me that life would be easier for everyone if I just stayed there and let myself begin to slowly rot away... Not exist... Disappear.

I would never wish that shit upon anyone I meet, even if I hate the person with a burning passion. No one should have to suffer through debilitating depression, self-hatred, and life sucking hopelessness.

If working out helps me avoid that hell, then I’m fuckin’ doing it! I don’t care what people think. What are they actually gonna do if I continue? I’m not a child. I’m a grown man and if I want to work out three times a day, then I’m going to. If I want to eat a protein bar and call that my breakfast, then I will.

It’s exercising, goddammit!

There are worse things I could be doing, _trust me_.

I’m an adult, let me live my life the way I want to.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

“James said he wants to do something all together when he’s done showering.”

Nikki looks up at me with a confused expression, from his seat on the black, leather couch.

“Showering?” He checks the time on his phone. “It’s 3 in the afternoon.”

I nod my head, and reply a matter of factly.

“Yeah. He went for a run in the rain.”

Nikki’s eyes widen, and he looks like he’s trying to not laugh.

“Seriously?” He shakes his head, “If he wanted to work out that bad, he could have just done it here.”

I shrug my shoulders, because I’m just as confused as he is. He stole the exact thought right out of my head.

“Yeah... That’s what I thought too.”

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

So... I was in the shower a lot longer than I expected to be.

Let’s just say, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m retaining water, so I got a little sucked in. I found myself just observing every part of my body that seemed swollen, and then I ended up obsessing more about it. Of course, I continued questioning how the fuck DJ thinks I lost weight. I think I’m gonna be trying to figure out the answer to that for the rest of my goddamn life.

Also, in the middle of washing my hair, I noticed a ton of strands kept falling out. That’s definitely never happened before and it was bothering me. Every time I went to run my hand through it, there would be strands stuck to it. To say I’m a bit confused would be an understatement.

Whatever. There's bigger issues to deal with.

I really need to make this water retention go away. I probably sound really dramatic right now but I hate when this happens. It’s just uncomfortable, and unpleasant. It weighs me down and I feel like I’m dragging a ton of bricks when I walk.

Basically, it’s not gonna be a fun time tomorrow if I have to perform like this.

I know scientifically, when your body holds onto water it’s usually a survival mechanism. If you’re dehydrated, you don’t have enough fluid in you to function, since your body is made up of mostly water, so it will do anything in its power to keep you alive and protect you.

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I’m dehydrated. I drink a shit ton of caffeine and that’s a diuretic. I’ll be the first to admit that I never drink extra water to counteract the effects, so that might be the problem right there.

I’ve also heard that there’s other tricks to get rid of swelling, like drinking clean, cleansing drinks, like green tea, lemon water, dandelion tea... I’ve never heard of half of the shit that was on the list, but you know what? If they work, they work. It wouldn’t hurt to try, right?

~ ~ ~

“So... why the rain?”

I snap my head up at Nikki, who’s giving me a suspicious look.

“Say what?”

He looks at me with disbelief, but even I can tell he’s trying not to laugh.

“You’re a crazy fucker... Running in the rain?”

“Ohhhh...”. I let out a light laugh, “I just wanted to spice things up, ya know.” I almost cringe as I say that.

What a stupid remark... I can’t believe I actually said that.

Nikki just looks at me, like I’m a little kid who just said something so bizarre and he’s the parent who’s trying to take him seriously.

“I see... Gettin’ risky on our day off?” He nudges me playfully. “You’re a piece of work.”

I can’t help but grin.

If he knew what I was thinking all the time, he would _really_ see how much of a piece of work I am.

As an attempt to prevent the topic of my workout routine to continue, I completely change the subject.

“So... What kind of crazy shit do you think is gonna go down tomorrow night?”

DJ rolls his eyes, and laughs.

“Oh geez, who the hell knows...”

I lean my head back and smile.

“There’s always something. It’s hysterical actually... Never a dull moment with you guys.”

Nikki chimes in, providing us with his daily dose of sarcasm.

“Oh, so you’re sayin’ that getting underwear thrown at you isn’t a thing that happens all the time?”

You should hear the cackle that just came out of DJ’s mouth. He’s red as a tomato. That happens whenever he starts cracking up.

“That was so bad. The thing almost hit me in the face... I swear I almost fuckin’ lost it!”

Before I know it, I’m cracking up too. It’s hard not to when you’re around these two goobers.

“Hey, it would have made a great hat for you, DJ! It could replace that old one you used to wear all the time.”

Well... now that makes all three of us. Nikki is dying laughing now.

“Yeah, DJ. You should show it off on our next interview... You can start a new fashion trend and add it to your clothing line!”

Just picturing DJ wearing a hat made from underwear during an interview is killin’ me. That wouldn’t be the first weird thing that happened on an interview. I mean, him and Nikki have literally picked each other’s noses when the interviewers weren’t looking. We were actually on an interview for Canadian television once, and the camera caught them.

Oh, the things that happen between us. Some people just wouldn’t understand.

“Hey, do any of you have green tea?”

DJ gives me such a weird look, and I almost want to run away because I know he thinks I’m insane right now.

“Wait...”. He pauses and he’s just staring at me with his mouth open. “What?”

I can’t help but laugh because of his reaction. Why is he so freakin’ intense lately?

“I was just curious.”

“I’m shocked you didn’t ask for coffee.”

Of course Nikki would call me out.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” I stretch my arms above my head. “I’m just thinking I should maybe try something different...”. I pick up a glass of water from the coffee table and take a sip. “You know, actual hydration.”

DJ looks shocked and puts his hand on his chest, dramatically.

“Woah... I never thought I’d see the day!”

I act just as shocked, for the humor.

“I know! I figured maybe it was time to take care of myself.... better.”

“Well you know, I gotta say... I’m impressed.” Nikki puts his arm around me, and looks at me with a sense of pride. “You were asking about green tea? I actually love it.”

My heart skips a beat.

“I have a ton of bags if you want some.”

_Oh praise the lord... Now I don’t have to go searching for it like a psychopath._

“Oh sweet. Thanks, man!”

DJ is staring at both of us with a look of disgust. He looks like a little kid who just heard his parents talk about something that completely grossed him out.

“Yeah... You guys can have all the tea you want... I’m stickin’ to chocolate milk!”

Me and Nikki exchange glances and just laugh.

Sometimes I really forget that DJ isn’t actually my little brother.

~ ~ ~

Well, I think this day off went a lot better than the last few, especially the awkward Chinese food incident. Please, I would love to forget about that.

I’m really relieved DJ didn’t bring anything up about the exercise. I was shocked to hear Nikki mention it, but he didn’t seem too suspicious. I think I played the whole thing off pretty well.

All I can think to myself right now is that I really hope all the water I drank tonight will flush the excess out of me. And, now that Nikki gave me about 30 tea bags, I should be in good hands.

Never in a million years did I think I would be asking someone for green tea, but people change, you know?

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

_2:00am_

I’m laying in bed, but I can’t sleep. I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here but what I do know is that I can’t stop thinking...

I’m really happy the three of us got to spend some time together. It was nice, but I still keep thinking about what happened with James earlier, when he went for that run in the fuckin’ rain... even though he had literally done a workout in the morning.

I mean... who does that? It just doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem normal. I don’t know.

It just makes me think.... If there really was something wrong, wouldn’t he tell us? Would he say something to me and Nikki?

We’ve told each other everything over the years. We know some of each other’s deepest, darkest, secrets and demons that most people would never openly expose.

He knows he can trust me and Nikki with his _life_...

Seeing his bare torso actually scared the shit outta me... I can’t get the damn image out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, it pops up, and I can’t make it go away. It feels like it’s haunting me, and that makes me feel really ridiculous. I don’t know if I should be obsessing over this, because maybe he’s always been like this and I just didn’t know. I don’t even know if I’ve seen him without a shirt before. My head feels like it’s starting to go in circles and I’m not completely sure what I’m feeling.

We’re touring. This is supposed to be a fun, wild, care-free time for all of us... and it is. I’m having an absolute blast.

Maybe I’m just overtired and my mind is playing tricks on me.

Maybe I’m just a sensitive dude.

Maybe I’m just crazy.

I don’t fuckin’ know!

I wish I had answers, but at the same time I don’t, because a lot of times the truth is the exact _opposite_ of what you want to hear...

Now, it almost makes sense why so many people say, ‘ _Ignorance is bliss_.’

You’re concealed and protected from the truth. It’s easier to live life through rose colored lenses instead of being exposed to the real, raw, truth.

Okay... my brain is spiraling.

I think I need to shake this off and see where life takes us.

Crazy things happen all the time when the three of us are together. I’m used to this...

Plus... it just so happens that it’s a full moon, after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> U made it thru this chapter GO YOU!! (Sorry lol I literally think my writing sucks so the fact that people actually read it shocks me)


	8. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel trapped and suffocated. It almost feels like there’s tiny hands all over my body, doing things to it. Twisting it, cutting it, re-shaping it, contorting it... I feel like I’m crazy. I know it all sounds nuts, but that’s how I feel. My mind is playing tricks on me and I don’t know how to control it or stop it, and it’s a petrifying feeling.
> 
> Being powerless over your own mind is so scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!
> 
> So, this was a really emotional chapter for me to write... it’s kind of heavy emotion wise. It’s heavily revolved around body dysmorphia and feeling completely unsafe in your body, which are two things that I personally deal with on a daily basis... so writing this was so real and I really had to separate myself and my emotions from the ones in the story. (It’s so hard to do especially if you’re an empath... lol or a highly emotional person who feels things really intensely) ok I think you guys get the point I’ll stop talking now!!
> 
> The usual TW for EATING DISORDERS and anything associated with them (depression, body dysmorphia, anxiety, etc)
> 
> I always say this but seriously thank you so much for supporting me with this. It feels so vulnerable to write this since the whole thing hits so close to home and it’s not talked about much. Just... thank you for not judging me. It means way more than you’ll ever know . ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> And if you ever have questions about anything regarding eating disorders that I write about, please don’t be scared to ask!! I’m always willing to talk and educate and explain :)

_One week later:_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I thought I had a good grip on things, but now I have a feeling I spoke too soon.

Things are starting to really go to shit.

Our show is starting in 15 minutes and I can’t get myself out of this bathroom.

I’m starting to think I’m going crazy. I feel like a magnet forced me in here and now I can’t escape. The mirror grabbed me and glued my feet on the ground in front of it.

I don’t recognize the reflection I see. Nothing feels right. It doesn’t look right. My heart is racing and my head is spinning with intrusive thoughts. I don’t feel safe in my body, because I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in it. I don’t recognize it anymore and I don’t know what’s fuckin’ real or not. I’m staring at my face and it looks inflated. My cheeks look puffy... like a chipmunk. I swear to god I haven’t done anything different. I’ve been exercising the same amount. I’ve been eating the same amount. I’ve been drinking enough water, and I’ve been glugging that green tea that Nikki gave me, but it obviously hasn’t done a damn thing because I’m STILL retaining water! So what the FUCK is it then? Why do I look like I’ve fuckin’ blown up like a balloon? I’m not one to usually cry but I can feel a lump forming in my throat because the longer I look at myself, the worse it’s getting and I can’t get myself to move away.

I’m trying to breathe. I’m trying to take deep breaths. I’m biting my lip because I don’t want to cry. It’ll wreck my stage makeup. I’m a mess and I have to perform an hour and fifty minute show in 15 minutes. I have to go out there in front of thousands of people and just pretend everything is totally fine right now.

_I’m anything but fine right now._

_I’m the opposite of fine._

I would never admit to anyone that I’m not okay. I don’t like asking for help. I like to pretend I can manage everything myself. And I definitely don’t open up to anyone about the thoughts that go on inside my head. I scare myself by thinking them. I don’t want to know what other people would think of me if they heard them too. This band means the world to me. I can’t jeopardize it.

_Breathe, James._

_Breathe._

_You know it’s not real._

_It’s not fuckin’ real._

_Your face is FINE._

Goddammit it’s NOT fine! I don’t know if this is a form of fuckin’ psychosis or something with my body, but now I’m just about to rip my skin off.

I can’t even find the words to fully express or describe what I’m feeling. It’s like.... My god. I hope no one has to ever experience something like this. It just feels like torture in my head.

It’s not just my face. I just feel so hyperaware of every aspect of my body all of a sudden. I can feel my clothes touching it.... I feel where they’re connecting to my skin. They feel too tight. Just being reminded that I have a body that I feel so goddamn horrible about is making me feel suffocated. I wish I could just rip the clothes off and breathe, and then rip my skin off along with it. But, that’s just impossible, and it’s not happening. I probably wouldn’t feel better even if I was able to.

_Just..._

_Make it Fuckin’ S T O P!_

I don’t know what time it is. I don’t know how much time I’ve wasted being in here. Everything feels like a blur, but at the same time, my mind is racing so fuckin’ fast. I’m about to bang my head against the wall in here.

How do you stop it?

The fuckin’ noise.

It’s so loud. It’s like tunnel vision but with your thoughts. I’m not aware of anything else but the distortions in my head. Everything else is silenced. Everything else is blurred. My sight. My hearing. My senses are all dulled, except for the voices in my head, and my body sensations.

WHY?!

What the hell is wrong with me?

Does this have to do with my mania, or am I really just insane? Why am I asking myself these questions if I know I’m never getting answers to them? I’m so goddamn confused and freaked out at the same time. I don’t get it.

I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this show. I really don’t. I’ve spent so much of my life putting on a facade but my god this is a whole different level of crazy. This isn’t easy to just hide away. How am I supposed to just pretend I’m content when I feel borderline traumatized being in this body? I live in this Fuckin’ body. It’s something I can’t escape, and now it’s playing games with my head and I have to pretend I’m OKAY?!

I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY!

My whole body is tensing up as I grit my teeth and whisper under my breath.

“Goddammit! James.... get a grip! Get a fucking grip....”

I could faintly hear a knock on the door, which means.... _oh.... god_.

“James! Bud, we’re going on in five—-“

I squeeze my eyes shut and immediately spit out a quick response.

“One sec, DJ! I’ll be right out!”

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck._

I put my hands in fists, take a deep breath, and let it out.

_Okay.... okay..._

Before I leave the room, I remember that I have extra caffeine tablets in my pocket, that I bought the other day, and for some fucked up reason, that gives me some weird sort of relief. I take one more look in the mirror, before popping a few in my mouth and washing them down with a huge bottle of water.

At least I know I’ll be cleansed out by the end of this show.... _hopefully_.

~ ~ ~

It’s insane how fast I can switch from a delusional mental case who feels tortured in the head, to my rock god stage persona.

But, when I think about it, I’ve been forced to disconnect from all of my personal demons to be able to function on stage for such a long time now, that it’s almost become second nature.

Tonight, however, it hasn’t been the easiest, and it’s really taking a ton of work to make it seem like everything is _completely_ fine right now. I still feel hyper aware of everything in my body, but I’m really hoping that the more I sweat and get all of this nervous energy out from all the running around I’m doing on stage, the calmer I’ll be.

I just want to feel at peace... for once.

We’re about halfway through the show and I think I’ve been handling it pretty well... as well as I can right now.

DJ just started playing the opening riff to “Relief”, and I just got chills down my whole body because I don’t think I’ve ever related to a song I wrote so much than I am in this moment.

When I originally wrote the lyrics for it, I was thinking about my Bipolar disorder.

I never thought in a million years that I would be relating it to _this._

“We’re all alone in your house of panic...”

I’m surprised that I can still sing as well as I am, with my mind racing like this.

“And all the things that you love make you m a n i c ...”

At the same time, I think this might be one of the most intense and powerful performances of this song that I’ve ever done.

“You look like you could use a friend... Someone to make this madness end.”

My mind has never felt this disturbed in my life.

“Make this madness end...”

The emotions I’ve been feeling make me question myself and my own sanity.

“Someone to make this madness end!”

I belt out that last word and hold the note out for longer than I ever have. I’m honestly feeling so much right now that I’m using all of that emotional intensity and putting it into my singing.

“And in a little while, all the noise in your head will fade away...”

I catch a glimpse of DJ giving me a huge smile. He has no fuckin’ idea how hard I’m trying to put on a good facade right now.

“And you will find some relief then...”

Every time I sing the word _‘relief’_ , I get this weird sensation throughout my body. Tingles? My stomach is almost turning. It’s because this just hits so close to home... All of it.

“Yeah you will find some relief then...”

I feel like I’m one with the music... One with the words....

I just feel all of this in my soul right now.

“And in a little while... all the weight of the world feels like a light rain.”

Right now it feels like a tsunami, along with some thunder and lightening for an extra touch of destruction.

“And you will find some relief then...

I can almost feel a little lump forming in my throat, and god help me if I can’t make it though the rest of this show.

“Yeah you will find some relief then....”

_Please... God...._

_That’s all I want right now._

~ ~ ~

Somehow, by the grace of God, I made it through... barely.

I thought of our screaming audience, and seeing their excitement and passion helped me remember why I love what I do. Nikki And DJ’s ridiculous antics distracted me from some of the noise up in my disturbed mind.

When it was time for us to do _‘Skin’_ , I felt myself getting emotional, because I’m feeling the opposite of safe in my own skin right now, but I think the emotion turned into a really, powerful performance.

I was scared that my mouth was gonna get dry because of how much I was belting the songs tonight, that I found myself constantly chugging the lemon water I put on the end of the stage.

Of course, the voice in the back of my head was begging it to do its job and cleanse my body of whatever toxins it got filled with... to de-contaminate it... to purify it.

To flush everything out.

The water...  
The waste...  
The contaminants...  
The stress...  
The anxiety...  
The emotions...  
The racing thoughts...  
The torment...

E v e r y t h i n g

I just needed to feel _empty_.

I made it through and that’s all that matters right now.

~ ~ ~

_Four hours later:_

It’s 2:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep... What else is new? I’ve been curled up in the same position in this bed for hours, twisting and turning, but I can’t get myself to relax. I’m jittery and I’m anxious. I probably overdid it with the caffeine today... that’s no body’s fault but my own, but I swear my heart is beating right out of my chest, it feels like it’s about to pop right out. I’m wearing my big black sweatshirt and I’m pulling the drawstrings tight, trying to make myself feel comfortable and warm and safe, but nothing is working.

That weird episode I had earlier before the show is still stuck with me. I feel like all of those emotions are lingering and they haven’t left me, so now I’m stuck laying here with everything festering and I don’t know how to release them. I feel trapped and suffocated. It almost feels like there’s tiny hands all over my body, doing things to it. Twisting it, cutting it, re-shaping it, contorting it... I feel like I’m crazy. I know it all sounds nuts, but that’s how I feel. My mind is playing tricks on me and I don’t know how to control it or stop it, and it’s a petrifying feeling.

Being powerless over your own mind is so scary.

Anyone else would be asleep right now, especially after playing an almost two hour show. Anyone else would be exhausted. They would be at peace... nice and relaxed.

And then there’s me. My mind is still racing with distorted, irrational thoughts. I can’t get comfortable. I feel hot. My heart is palpitating. I’m squeezing my eyes shut hoping it will shut up the voices in my head along with them, but it’s not and all I want to do now is scream.

I can’t fucking do this. I have too much goddamn nervous energy. I need to get it out. I don’t know how, but I can’t stay laying here. Am I on the verge of a mental breakdown? What the hell is this????

I’ve been moving around so much that the covers are halfway off of me and one of my legs is sticking out completely. I’m twisted in the most uncomfortable contorted position.

Without thinking, I whip the covers off of me and jump out of the bed. I grab my sneakers in the corner of the room, put them on, and tie them tight, because I decided that working out seems like the best idea.... right about now.

If I can’t fucking sleep and have this energy, I might as well. I’ll definitely go completely insane if I don’t do something. Nikki and DJ are asleep, of course, so if I sneak out they shouldn’t know. Plus, I’m an adult, come on... We’ve been over this.

If this helps me function and feel somewhat stabilized, I’m doing it, even if it is in the middle of the night... Plus, my workouts have to be done when no one will know now, because I can’t risk this getting taken from me.

Also, I’ve decided that the first thing I’m doing in the morning is going to the first pharmacy that opens. If I need relief, I will do whatever I can to get that, and I know exactly what I need to achieve that.

I will do anything in my power to get it, and no one is going to fuckin’ say shit about it.

Or stop me.

Or tell me otherwise.

But... I don’t need to worry about that, because there’s no way they’re gonna know.

I hate keeping secrets... It makes me feel sick to my stomach, dirty inside and out, and like a completely shitty person. I feel like I’m carrying a huge weight on my shoulders all the time, but this is an exception.

This is my way of surviving right now.

_I have no other choice._


	9. Hyperventilate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dude— where the hell are you?! We have an interview scheduled in 45 minutes—-“
> 
> I feel my heart skip a beat, as I feel the color drain from my face.
> 
> I am honestly humiliated right now, because I had completely forgotten about that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda intense but I wanted to add some comic relief at the same time just to ease the tension a little (so it was fun to write!! ). 
> 
> Usual TW for eating disorders, mental health issues, anxiety, etc (if u have questions you can always ask!)
> 
> Thanks again for supporting me with this! Your comments and suggestions are always so so so appreciated!! ❤️

JAMES’ P.O.V:

After another night of absolutely no sleep, I had a plan to buy a few very ‘important’ things. I just had to wait until stores actually opened. I did some research on my phone to pass the time, and I found some pretty useful information, along with a ton of cleansing products that I’ve never heard of in my life... I instantly got sucked in and before I knew it, I had a full list of supplements that I wanted... no... _needed_ , and there was absolutely _nothing_ that would stop me from finding them.

Somehow.... I ended up here... at a pharmacy across the street from where our tour bus is parked. The second I walked in and saw an advertisement for specialty detox supplements, I knew where I was headed.

It felt like that aisle was calling my name and dragging me towards it. There was nothing that would stop me or be able to at this point.

My head felt like it was spinning, as my eyes stared in wonder at all of the many diet supplement bottles in front of me.

_“Green tea fat loss cleanse.”_

_“Diurex extra strength diuretic.”_

_“Metabolic boosters.”_

_“Appetite suppressant.”_

Until, suddenly, one label caught my eye.

_14 Day Açaí Berry Cleanse_

I narrowed my eyes curiously, and picked up the bottle. The claims on the front of the bottle led me to not put it back.

_Weight loss support flush_

_Flush up to 2 - 3 pounds of backed up matter clogging your digestive system._

The only parts of those sentences that my brain was able to comprehend were _‘weight loss’_ and _‘two to three pounds.’_

The second I read those words, I flipped the bottle over and searched for more information, just to make sure I would be getting my money’s worth.

I have a tendency to impulsively spend and then regret it... but if this is actually supposed to work and do what it says, there’s no way I _won’t_ buy it.

_Experience the transformative power of cleansing._

_Gently flush excess waste and toxins!_

_Reduce puffiness and bloating_

One word: SOLD.

I begin to walk out of the aisle towards the register when I’m caught off guard by three teenage girls, who look like they’re trying to hide their excitement. That’s when I realized that they probably recognize me and that they’re fans.

My heart rate quickens and I suddenly can feel myself flushing.

_Oh god... of all times, it had to be right now..._

I love meeting fans and hearing their enthusiasm. I love being able to connect with them and giving them hugs and taking pictures. It makes me happy to see other people happy, but I can’t help but feel anxiety rising inside of me, because how awkward would it be if they saw what I happen to be buying right now.

I quickly put the bottle in my pocket. I’ll take it out when I pay for it.

“Excuse me...”

I turn my head around and the girls faces are painted with shock and excitement.

“Oh my god... You’re James Michael... from Sixx A.M.”

I smile.

“That’s me! How are you guys doin?”

“Uh.... amazing...”

You could see the hearts in her eyes. I think it’s so cute.

“Sorry... I’m just really excited and in shock right now...”. She giggles and then hides behind her hair a little. I could tell she’s embarrassed. “You wouldn’t mind if we got a picture... would you?”

“Of course not! C’mere!”

I put my arms around the three of them, and genuinely smile, really trying to push away the underlying discomfort in the back of my head.

~ ~ ~

Well, I made it out of that weird situation.

I had originally gone there to find magnesium citrate, but then I got distracted by all of those other supplements, and then the fans... I didn’t want to make myself look like a complete mental case, which is why I ended up here —- at _another_ pharmacy.

I just want to make this quick and get it over with.

 _God help me_ if I don’t find it here. I’m starting to run out of options.

I start walking up and down various aisles in the store, hoping I can find out where it is without having to ask any-one.

How awkward would that be?

_“Hi... I know you probably know I’m James Michael, but I was just wondering where you can find magnesium citrate.”_

I feel a shiver run down my spine.

 _Ohh... fuck no_.

I cringe.

_I’ll do it myself._

It’s starting to occur to me that I don’t even know exactly what I need to be looking for. I’ve never heard of magnesium citrate in my life. I don’t know what the damn stuff even looks like, smells like, tastes like... When I researched cleansing supplements, I just looked for names, not details. All I know is that it’s sold in pharmacies, sometimes has a lemon taste, and it makes you shit.

_Fantastic._

I wonder if it would be in the same section as the other detox shit I found at the other store.

I shake my head.

_It can’t be. Those were speciality weight loss supplements. This is just a laxative, not anything special. People take these all the time._

That’s when I realize it’s probably found in the section with digestive supplements, like fiber powder, heartburn relief, gas-x...

_Laxatives._

I want to roll my eyes at myself because that should have been so obvious.

_You’re a fuckin’ dim-bat._

Once I make my way to the correct aisle, I feel a sense of deja vu, after seeing all of the various bottles scattered around me.

I have no clue where to start.

~ ~ ~

D.J’s P.O.V:

I stare at the time on my phone screen.

_11:30am_

I’m sitting at the small table in the kitchen area of the tour bus. We’re supposed to get ourselves out for an interview in about an hour, but I have no clue where James is.

Nikki is gonna flip his lid when he comes out of the bathroom and sees that he _still_ isn’t here. You know Nikki. He’s always punctual and frantic about being on time, and organized, for all of our events —- whether it’s interviews, meetings, rehearsals, press conferences, record signings...

“Are you kidding me?”

There he is, hair teased and everything. He’s staring at me with a look of disbelief mixed with frustration.

_I called it, didn’t I?_

“ _Don’t_ fuckin’ tell me he forgot.”

I pop my head up and laugh, putting my hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him.

“I doubt he forgot. Come on, you know James. He never forgets anything on the tour schedule.”

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

All of a sudden, I feel my phone vibrating in the pocket of my pants. I quickly pull it out and answer without looking at the number on the screen.

“Hello?”

“James!”

I smile once I hear the voice on the other end, as I continue rummaging through the plethora of pill bottles.

“Ohhh, Hey DJ... Whats goin’ on?”

“Dude— where the hell are you?! We have an interview scheduled in 45 minutes—-“

I feel my heart skip a beat, as I feel the color drain from my face.

_Holy shit._

I am honestly humiliated right now, because I had _completely_ forgotten about that...

“James?!”

I open my mouth to say something, but DJ beats me to it.

“I swear if you’re out runn—-“

_Running._

He was about to accuse me of running.

I spit out a quick answer before he could finish.

“No, I’m not out running.” I let out a light laugh, even though there is no part of me that thinks this situation is funny in the slightest. “I just had to pick up some things...”. I feel myself cringing as I say that because that’s one of the worst lies I’ve ever told. “... and I ran into a couple of fans, and I ended up losing track of time.”

I can hear DJ letting out a small sigh of relief on the other end, but his voice goes right back to the anxious, frantic tone he had before.

“Alright... Well, please get your ass back here. Nikki’s over here about to have a nervous breakdown—-“

_Yeah... so am I if I don’t end up finding this goddamn magnesium citrate._

I shake the thought out of my head and take a breath.

“Tell him not to worry. I’m on my way.”

_Good luck getting out of this one, idiot._

“Gotcha. See ya in a few.”

The second he’s finished, I hang up and frantically dart my eyes around the aisle, praying for some miracle —- that I’ll somehow spot the words ‘magnesium citrate’ on one of the bottles in less than 10 minutes.

My heart is actually beating right out of my chest and my head is spinning like a hamster on a wheel. I can’t even form a coherent thought if my life depended on it, because I am so high-strung right now. I feel like I’m in fight or flight mode — _emergency_ mode.

_What the hell is ‘rational’ thinking when you’re in a life-threatening situation?_

I freeze up.

_‘Life - threatening?’_

I feel my body getting hot, the second I processed that thought in my head.

_You mental case._

In an attempt to ease my debilitating panic, I lean my body against the side of the aisle, squeeze my eyes shut, and breathe.

Soon enough, the lyrics to our song _‘Hyperventilate’_ swim through my head.

_‘The door is open, step inside... I’m frantic but alive. The oxygen is leaking from my lungs...’_

Yeah... if I don’t calm my ass down right now, this whole store will be flooded with it.

_‘Come save me if you can... Unraveling and damned...’_

I don’t think anyone can save me from my own mind.

_‘I’m not breathing... I just hyperventilate.”_

Thank god no one is in this aisle right now seeing me like this.

My hands grip the shelf as I try to dialogue with myself in my head.

_Breathe... Just stop for a second and breathe._

I shake my head with such a sense of urgency, because I can’t _FUCKIN’ BREATHE—-_

_If you don’t find the stuff today, you’ll just have to look tomorrow..._

_It’s not the end of the world._

I want to scream at myself because it is _DEFINITELY_ the end of the world—-

I’m suddenly snapped back to reality once I remember the phone call.

_The interview..._

A surge of blood-rushing adrenaline shoots through my body as I immediately jump up, and make my way down the aisle one last time.

_Oh... GOD..._

If I wasn’t so intensely hyper aware of everything. I would have easily missed the hidden bottle in the far right corner, with the words ‘magnesium citrate’ written across it in bold letters.

Without thinking, I snatch it from the shelf and feel an immediate blanket of ease wash over me.

I peek at my phone screen, the minute I finish checking out.

_That whole shit-show only wasted 8 minutes._

I smirk.

_Nice._

~ ~ ~

I make it back to the bus in record time.

The second I walk through the door, I’m greeted by DJ and Nikki, both staring at me from the kitchen table.

“Oh thank god...”. Nikki lets out an exasperated sigh of relief, as DJ shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

“This one was about to have a heart attack.”

Nikki shoots DJ a glare as he defends himself, with his hands in the air.

“I had every right to! We can’t just miss an intervi—-“

“Dude, we’re not gonna miss it. He’s here! I told you he didn’t forget.” DJ rubs Nikki’s shoulder. “Now, relax.”

I can feel my stomach twisting in knots as he said that, because I still can’t believe I _did_ forget... That’s so unlike me and I feel horrible about it.

 _Horrible, humiliated_ , and _guilty_ would be the better words.

I shake off my thoughts, as I make my way to my bunk.

“Yeah, Nik. We’ll be fine.” I assure him, while I unzip my suitcase and plop the pharmacy bags inside it, tightly. “Just let me get ready real quick and we’ll be on our way.”

~ ~ ~

As I’m staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, styling my hair, I can’t help but feel a sense of dread.

There’s really not much of me that is too thrilled about doing this interview.

All of that anxiety and panic that I felt earlier completely drained me. Right now, I just feel exhausted, even though all I’ve done today is go to the pharmacies to search for the _stupid_ shit that no one in their right mind would just decide to buy out of the blue.

I basically did nothing all day and I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus. It’s crazy how powerful emotions can be...

I wonder if it’s really from emotional overload, or it’s just a huge caffeine crash.

I shake my head at that thought.

Nah... What are you talking about? You’ve been drinking caffeine excessively for years. Your body is completely used to it by now.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m just _exhausted_.

My dark circles are terrible right now, and I’ll try my best to cover them with some kind of face makeup, but even then, I’m not sure how I’ll keep my eyes open the whole time.

I guess that’s what my sunglasses are for, right?

_Disguise._

I’m getting a little tired of always wearing a mask in front of everyone, but I don’t know how else I’m supposed to be able to disconnect from everything going on in order to function...

I let out a long yawn, as I finish styling my hair. I look down at the sink, which is filled with uneven strands of blonde...

I groan in frustration.

_Fuck..._

My hair is falling out for no goddamn reason. My skin is dry and cracking, and my nails keep chipping.

_I’m a fuckin’ mess._

I quickly clean the sink, pat my face with concealer, and put my sunglasses on.

I stare at myself one last time before popping a handful of caffeine tablets into my mouth with a huge glass of water.

_Let’s do this._

~ ~ ~

D.J’s P.O.V:

We made it to the interview just in time. I kept telling Nikki that we would be fine, but the dude wouldn’t let up. He really acts like such an anxious dad who has to always keep an eye on his two rowdy kids... even though I’m pretty sure I was the one who had to keep him in check today.

He looks so relaxed and calm, now that we’re settled here. He’s literally leaning back on the soft couch cushion, like he’s on a tropical island ready to sunbathe.

“You comfortable enough, Dad?”

A big smirk spreads across his face, as he flicks my shoulder.

I feign pain as I stare at him with an exasperated expression.

“Oww! That hurt, you motherfucka’ !”

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see James shaking his head. It’s obvious that he’s trying not to laugh.

“Alright guys, the fun and games are over,” Nikki says in a serious tone, as I look over and see the interviewer coming towards us.

I roll my eyes and kick him lightly, in the foot.

“Yeahhh... right.”

~ ~ ~

_(Later That day):_

Interview was a success, as they usual are! Lots of goofin’ around happened, like it usually does. We talked about what being on the road has been like the whole time, but that’s fine with me. James did his usual ‘professional producer’ persona. The only difference was that I noticed that he was extremely jittery.

I thought that was weird, since he looked like he was about to fall asleep on the ride there, but once we were settled in, he suddenly got a burst of energy.

I don’t even want to know how much caffeine he had...

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_1:00am_

I’m sitting on the floor near my bunk with all of my cleansing supplements scattered around me.

The instructions for the açaí berry cleanse say to take two at night before bed, and two in the morning before eating anything.

 _Now’s the time_.

I pick up the bottle and read the back, out of curiosity.

_‘WARNING: This product may cause loose stools, stomach pain, headaches...’_

I shake my head, and immediately swallow the two capsules, ignoring the claims on the bottle.

_It can’t be THAT bad_

That’s the thought that ran through my head as I hid the rest of the bottles in my suitcase.

_There’s worse things that could happen... trust me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who actually reads this shit , it actually means so much to me you have no idea!!!! So thank you again :).


	10. Lies Of The Beautiful People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s like he’s trying to create something, except he’s just distorting and manipulating it in the process, turning it into some sick, decrepit looking thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorders and laxative abuse (this is pretty descriptive with the side effects of the following and it’s NOT pretty... but it’s not supposed to be!)
> 
> Thank you for all of your support. It means the world ❤️

DJ’s P.O.V:

“Ain’t life beautiful?”

If I had to choose what my favorite part of our shows are, the finale would definitely be one of them. It might be because of the song we choose to end with, ‘Life is Beautiful’, or maybe it’s just because you can really connect with all of the fans when we have them sing along.

I don’t know what it is, but I always have such an amazing feeling whenever we get to this point.

It’s light out for once. We rarely do day shows, but today we did because it was part of a music festival. It’s nice and sunny, but not humid, so at least I know James won’t be having any hair trouble... I still laugh thinking about that one show when he couldn’t talk to the audience. Man, it’s crazy how things have changed.

We’ve evolved so much as a band, and just our friendship in general. Our music has gotten deeper into the depths of topics that most people are scared to discuss, and bring out certain emotions that others are sometimes uncomfortable feeling.

However, with ‘Life is Beautiful’, it’s different. I don’t think there’s ever any negative energy from anyone when we play this song.

It’s crazy how it all began with this song. If we never wrote this song, or even read Nikki’s book in the first place, we would have never became a band. In fact, we were never supposed to be a band. We were just ‘friends that wrote music’.

I think it’s pretty natural for me to have so many emotions come bubbling up with this song.

It was the start of it all.

This is why we’re at the point that we’re at today.

“Let me hear you make some noise out there!”

The audience starts screaming as James leads them into the chorus of the song.

“Aliveeee.... Just open your eyes... Just open your eyes and see that....”

He steps away from the microphone, closes his eyes, and puts his hands out, waiting for the audience to sing back.

“LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL....”

“Just open your eyes... Just open your eyes and see that....”

“LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!”

I get fuckin’ chills every single time we do this at the end of our shows. It’s so powerful, and gives me such a heartwarming feeling, knowing that we’ve made an impact on so many people just by writing this song in the first place.

James is smiling so big right now, and I know that he feels the same exact way. You can almost see inside his soul right now, and feel the emotion that traveled from the audience right back into his heart.

“Ohhh, man. You guys sound amazing.”

~ ~ ~

_Two hours, hundreds of screaming fans, and 13 songs later:_

“You know, you were right, DJ. This diner makes fuckin’ awesome burgers!”

Nikki is chowing down like a madman, but I can’t blame him. I was the one that recommended this place, and I don’t know anything else that would hit the spot more right now than a good burger.

I nod my head with a sense of pride, as I take a huge bite of mine.

“I know!”

James ordered grilled chicken with steamed broccoli. It definitely wouldn’t be my first choice, but honestly as long as he’s gonna eat it, I could care less... even if he’s doing those weird things with his food again.

It’s really hard not to keep staring at him, because I’ve just never seen anyone eat like that before. He wastes so much time cutting everything up into ridiculously minuscule pieces, and then he’ll move them around his plate, separating them so the two components don’t touch. It’s like he’s trying to create something, except he’s just distorting and manipulating it in the process, turning it into some sick, decrepit looking thing. Every time he goes to take a bite of something, it’s the tiniest piece. I feel like I need a magnifying glass to see it.

Then, when he actually starts chewing whatever he decides he’ll have, it takes a fuckin’ eternity. I have never seen someone take so long to chew something. Wouldn’t the food turn pasty if you chew it for that long? God, at that point I wouldn’t even want to eat it because it would probably taste so bad. I don’t know, man. I don’t know.

I.... just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will.

The second I see him actually swallow, I feel a tiny bit at ease, because that means he’s at least putting something in him.

I look down and take a breath.

I’ll let this one slide this time.

“Sooo... I was thinking,” I pause, as I take a sip of my drink. “When this tour is over, I’m gonna get myself a pet tarantula.”

Nikki looks up at me with such a look of confusion, that I’m almost on the verge of laughing.

I stare back.

“What??”

He’s still looking at me like a disapproving dad, and finally starts cracking up.

“What’s so funny?!”

James is staring at me now too, but then gives Nikki a nudge, which actually gets him to calm himself down.

“You’re gonna choke on your food if you don’t fuckin’ breathe!”

Nikki finally contains himself and starts talking.

“Sooo... What made you decide on such an interesting creature?”

“Well...” I smile, goofily. “I just feel like I relate to it... It reminds me of myself.”

James and Nikki both look like they’re witnessing a crazy person talking in front of them. Shouldn’t they be used to me by now, though?

James gives me a smile, as he relaxes his body against the seating booth.

“Interesting.” He slowly nods his head, as he poked a tiny piece of broccoli with his fork. “I don’t know many people who have tarantulas as pets, but you do you buddy.”

I look up at Nikki, who seems to be in very deep thought. I decide to bust his balls, like I usually do.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about, dude?” I kick his foot from under the table, and smirk. “You want an exotic pet of your own?”

Nikki shakes his head, and I know he wants to laugh again, but he’s holding it in.

“Now that I’m thinking about it...”. He pauses and looks at my hair. “You kind of have a point. I see how you think you relate to a tarantula.”

I flail my arms around in excitement.

“See! I told you!”

“I mean, look at your hair!” He starts ruffling it. “If a tarantula was a person, it would definitely have a black Mohawk!”

I feel way more satisfied than I should be right now... Don’t ask me why I want a tarantula. I just do, and when I get one, I think I’m gonna name it Oscar.

I look over and see James chugging his water. He must have gotten this glass refilled at least four times. I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him drink this much water in my fuckin’ life.

“Hey, James, you thirsty or something?” I give him a brotherly pat on the shoulder.

He looks up at me, as if he was caught off guard, but then he just smiles.

“Yeah... I mean, we just had a show. I’m sweating bullets up there so it makes sense that I’m parched!”

“Good for you, bud! Keep chuggin’ then!! At least it’s not coffee!”

James rolls his eyes. He’s probably so tired of the coffee jokes, but used to them at the same time.

A few minutes of chatting and chowing pass. You know your food must be good when everyone gets quiet and all you hear is chewing.

Suddenly, James bolts right up from his seat, and starts walking away from the table.

“Hey, where are ya going?”

He stares at me with such a look of urgency as he spits out, “I’m about to piss myself. I drank way too much water! I’ll be right back!”

I mean... I’m really not surprised.

I was wondering when all of that water was gonna catch up to him.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t think I’ve ever ran to the bathroom so fast in my fuckin’ life.

I’ve been taking those detox pills for the past two days and I hadn’t experienced any of the side effects that were stated on the back on the bottle...

That was, until 6:00pm tonight, of course.

It came on pretty slowly. I was sitting at the table in the restaurant with Nikki and DJ, when my stomach started feeling a little weird. I felt it start gurgling and pushing shit around in there, but I thought that was from what I had chosen to eat.

I had actually found something on that menu that was one of my ‘safe’ foods, and it just so happened to involve cruciferous green vegetables... Yes, you know I’m talking about broccoli. I’ve eaten broccoli a ton of times. In fact, the whole meal was something that I would have easily made myself if I was at home or in my hotel room —- Grilled chicken and steamed broccoli.

So, naturally, I had assumed that my stomach was reacting to the broccoli... The after effects of eating it started happening. First, the stomach gurgling. Then, some slight bloating and pressure, and of course, the inevitable —- passing gas.

Look. I know that’s so fuckin’ rude to not hold that in when you’re in public, but sometimes you literally just _can’t_. Plus... we’ve done a lot weirder things out in the open when the three of us have been together. It actually makes me farting seem like nothing.

So, I farted, the pressure in my stomach went away, and I thought that was the end of it.

I was so fuckin’ _wrong_.

A few minutes later, I felt that same familiar pressure in my lower abdomen, and my stomach started gurgling again. Of course, at this point, I’m just sitting there waiting for myself to start farting again like the proper gentleman I am, but that didn’t happen.

Instead, I felt a sharp, painful, cramping sensation shoot throughout my stomach.

It was in _that_ very moment, that I knew.

 _That’s_ what the warning on the bottle was referring to.

I also knew in that moment that I had to try super hard to not make the pain obvious. I thought that maybe if I just sat back, relaxed, and took some breaths, that the cramping would eventually subside.

I was once again sadly mistaken, and made an effort to distract myself the best that I could. I threw myself into the ridiculous conversation about DJ’s dream of getting a pet tarantula and naming it Oscar. I thought about the crazy things that have happened on this tour so far. I even drank more water, thinking that it would help.

Nothing I was doing was working, because the pain just kept getting _worse_. Now, it was starting to feel like someone was stabbing me in the abdomen.

At this point, I felt myself starting to get anxious. My heart rate began speeding up, and I started feeling hot. Whenever I tried to breathe or even moved a certain way, the pain got worse.

Soon, I couldn’t handle sitting still because it made me more aware of the discomfort, so I started fidgeting. My leg began bouncing up and down under the table, and I had my hands squeezed into fists.

 _Anything to make this go away_ , I thought.

_Please... anything!_

The very second after that last thought ran through my head, I felt _it_.

My stomach dropped, and my heart skipped a beat.

_Oh... god..._

I felt like there were emergency sirens going off in my head, as I felt color drain from my face.

_This is it..._

I gulped silently.

It was happening.

I suddenly felt such an intense sense of urgency, and I knew if I didn’t make a run for it, something very, very embarrassing was going to be witnessed at that table.

Without thinking twice, I got up from my seat, and began walking towards the bathroom, letting the two know that I was about to piss myself if I waited any longer.

I realized that it wasn’t a _terrible_ lie, considering all of the fidgeting. Hopefully, it was believable.

I peeked back at the table, and when I saw that neither one of them were paying attention, I made a run for it.

That’s how I ended up here: locked in a tiny bathroom stall, violently shitting myself, and sweating bullets. I swear to god, if I hadn’t bolted here as fast as I had, there is not a doubt in my mind that I would have missed the toilet.

The only other time in my life when I have experienced anything remotely similar to this was when I had the stomach flu as a kid... or when I’ve been hungover...

Just thinking about how I am actually the cause of this shit-show is making me feel quite embarrassed... Humiliated and insane too... Nothing new around here.

I’m not exactly sure how much time has passed since I got in here, but what I do know is that I’m a little nervous to get up, because I don’t know if I’m finished. There’s really no way of knowing what the body has planned... I’ll stay here for just a little longer, to be safe.

Now that I’m just here, alone with my thoughts, I’m starting to wonder how often this is going to happen from taking the pills. It didn’t specify on the bottle. All it said was that if your stool becomes too loose, you should decrease the number of pills you take. If this does happen every day... multiple times a day, all I can hope is that it doesn’t choose the most inconvenient times.

When I finally decide that it’s probably safe enough for me to get up, I take a deep breath.

I’m gonna be real. That whole encounter drained me, and I feel like I have no energy left in me.

At the same time, I almost felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders as it was happening.

Think about it.

I basically just emptied myself out. Physically _and_ mentally.

This is what I wanted the whole time, isn’t it? The reason why I went frantically searching for detox pills in the first place was so I could get rid of that _fuckin’_ water retention... That feeling of discomfort and being completely weighed down. I felt full... full of uncomfortable emotions—- insecurity, guilt, shame...

Now, I feel empty. I feel lighter and relieved.

I don’t give a shit if this is all mind over matter. I may feel like shit right now, but I know that the more I do this, the more all of it will pay off.

It’s that _‘high’_ —- that adrenaline rush, that makes me want to keep going.

That’s why I keep exercising, chugging caffeine, restricting my food, and now detoxing myself. They all provide me with a sense of pure ease... sometimes _ecstasy._

I can’t remember the last time I had a depressive episode now, and I plan to keep things that way.

So, screw that I feel a little worn out right now. I know everything will be worth it in the end, so I just need to suck it up and be a big boy.

I’ve been through way worse.

I can handle this.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

Once I see James walking back towards the table, a huge wave of curiosity washes over me.

“Dude, what took you so long? I thought you just had to pee.”

“I did. It was.... a lot.” He lets out a light laugh, and continues. “But then, my stomach started feelin’ a little funny... and...”. He pauses, as he sits back down. “I don’t think I need to go into details with you, if you know what I mean.”

Nikki laughs. “What are you talkin’ about? I’m all ears!”

James nudges him in the stomach, laughing along.

“I mean, it could have been from the broccoli for all I know! You know the shit that happens when you eat it...”

I eye him suspiciously, as I glance at his nearly full plate of food.

“The broccoli? You hardly ate anything.”

James looks at me and shrugs his shoulders.

“Yeah... I know, but broccoli upsets my stomach a lot no matter how much I have of it... “ He pushes his plate away. “It’s probably better if I don’t have any-more. I’m just not feelin’ so hot after that, ya know.”

I can feel myself tensing up a little as he says that, and I’m about to say something, but he beats me right to it before I can.

“But don’t worry. I’ll try to have something else later if I think my body is gonna behave.” He shakes his head. “You never fuckin’ know sometimes.

I really don’t know what to say to that, because I’m not sure how I’m actually feeling right now.

My gut instinct keeps on telling me that something doesn’t seem right and I don’t know how to handle this right now.

I feel like there’s a constant battle in my head about whether or not I should confront him.

I have so many questions, and more pop up every time I see him. I keep on feeling like I’m crazy because why hasn’t anyone else confronted him yet?

I think my biggest question of all is...

_Why hasn’t Nikki?_

_Is he not noticing this, or is he playing the same game as me?_

_Is he trying to push what might be the truth away, because it reminds him too much of himself, when he was an addict?_

_Is he trying to disconnect too?_

If he is, I can’t blame him.

Sometimes I wish I was blind from the truth, even if I don’t know what the truth is yet.


	11. Live Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really do think this tour is going better than I had imagined.
> 
> I couldn’t be happier.
> 
> That was the last thought that ran through my head...
> 
> ... before I saw James collapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!!
> 
> Thank you for the ongoing support! Your comments, recs, and interest in this mean the world to me, and I can’t say it enough. ❤️
> 
> Usual TW applies for eating disorders and the effects of laxative abuse. (Like I always say, this stuff isn’t pretty but it’s not supposed to be. I’m writing this to share the raw truth of what these illnesses are like and what they really can do to a person. It’s something I would never wish upon another human being.) 
> 
> Stay safe out there and take this pandemic one day at a time. I’m always here if you need to talk !
> 
> ❤️ ~ Livdonna

_Two weeks later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t think my stomach has ever felt so wrecked in my life...

...and most fucked up part is that it is nobody’s fault but mine.

I’m beginning to constantly ask myself where all of my impulse control went. When I’ve been manic, I’ve made decisions without thinking, just for that instant gratification. I guess part of me liked the thrill of doing something risky, and it escalated the ‘high’ that I was already feeling from the mania itself. But... that was ‘then.’

I’m thinking about _right now._

I’ve been taking those cleansing pills for over two weeks now, and even though they have caused some very... interesting side effects, I’ve still continued to take them.

I’m starting to really wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I’m pretty sure that no ‘normal’ person would be doing the shit that I do. If anyone actually knew the very details of everything that I do —- the ridiculous rituals, the compulsions that sometimes feel controlling, and the obsessions that shoot through my head 24/7 —- they would probably be really freaked out.

I’ll be honest and say that sometimes I freak myself out. I know if I was an outsider and saw someone doing the same shit as me, I would have loads of questions.

It’s starting to hit me now why DJ seems so suspicious.

However, that doesn’t mean that I have any intention of stopping.

It’s weird. I notice so much of the time that there’s two voices in my head arguing with each other. I have this one voice that’s rational. That’s the one that has common sense and knows the facts about everything I’m doing. I’ll admit that I don’t hear this side often, because there is the emotional, obsessive, and irrational one that overpowers it.

Most of the decisions I make are run by that side. That side is impulsive, but also extremely strategic and manipulative at the same time. That’s the side that comes up with all of the excuses, lies, and ways to dance around things that I would like to be avoided. It is also the part that drives me to engage in the outrageous behaviors, despite my rational side reminding me of why I shouldn’t.

It’s exhausting. There is never a time when my head is quiet. There is almost always some kind of noise up there. The only times when I notice it seems a bit subdued is when I get that initial ‘high’ from exercising, slipping in an extra dose of one of the pills, or getting away with eating less than I was originally going to.

The only problem is that it doesn’t last long. It shuts up for a few minutes, or until that initial ‘rush’ ends. Then, the wheels start turning again, and I’m compelled to repeat one of the actions that gave me that high in the first place, even if it sometimes makes me feel like absolute shit.

Luckily, I know that even if I do feel horrible, I’ll end up feeling good again...

That’s what continues the cycle.

See.. I’m not gonna go and pretend that these laxatives haven’t caused me distress, because they definitely have, but I can’t help but believe that the benefits I’m getting _completely_ outweigh the negatives.

And, plus... as long as the yucky consequences don’t happen when I’m performing, I’m fine handling them.

So far, I’ve been fine. I was expecting to have that embarrassing urge to shit multiple times in the middle of our shows, but I guess I’ve just gotten lucky. I’ve noticed that the stabbing stomach pain usually happens right before I have to run to the bathroom —- and my body has a schedule for that. I thought it was gonna be chaotic and unpredictable, but it’s actually pretty regimented.

In a sick way, that puts me even more at ease, since I like having everything controlled —- That feeling that everything is in place gives me a sense of safety, because I know exactly what to expect, even if it’s unpleasant.

I still know that it’s coming.

~ ~ ~

_Five days later:_

Can laxatives cause nausea?

‘Cause I need to tell ya, I’m not feeling too hot right now.

In fact, I’ve felt like absolute _shit_ for the past few days.

I’ve had an ongoing headache that has made me want to pull my head off, and I know that lack of sleep causes headaches, but I don’t think this is the same thing. I never get nearly enough sleep, and hardly ever have headaches —- especially ones that feel like migraines.

The headache is the least of it. I’ve also felt dizzy, and that never happens. I really hope that I’m not coming down with something, especially because we have a show tonight...

I don’t know what I’ve done different. I’m drinking more water to try to stay hydrated while I overload on caffeine. I’m doing the same workouts, except they’re in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping, (except me, of course), and I haven’t really changed what I eat. I mean, I’m STILL eating. My body isn’t starved, _trust me_.

I _did_ decide to finally try that magnesium citrate that I searched high and low for, that I’ve had for weeks, but that shouldn’t have caused this. It’s a laxative... Isn’t it the same as those other pills I took?

I mean, I know the instructions said one dose was half of the bottle, but I felt this urge to take a little more... But, I drank water with it so I should be fine, right?

I’m overthinking this.

I’ll be fine.

I’ve played while not feeling well before. In fact, last year on tour, I performed five shows when I had the flu. It wasn’t super fun, but I got through it.

There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get through this, either.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

The second I saw James walk out of his dressing room, I knew for a fact that he had gotten no sleep at all last night

“Dude.” I walk up to him, slowly, as I put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you feeling okay?”

He turns his head to face me, and that’s when I notice how fuckin’ _pale_ he looks.

I’m just about to ask him how the _hell_ he’s gonna perform tonight, but he just smiles and speaks before I can.

“Yeah, Yeah. I’m fine.”

_Yeah.... fuckin’ right._

I shake my head.

“You’re as white as a board, man.”

Before I can say anything else, Nikki peeks his head in between us, as a huge grin spreads across his face.

“You ready for world domination?”

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded doing a show so much, until tonight.

That migraine-like headache I had still hasn’t gone away, my stomach hurts, and apparently I’m pale as shit. I mean, I knew that already, but I guess it’s worse than I thought because DJ noticed it right away. He immediately asked if I was okay.

Of course I told him I was fine. What the hell else was I supposed to say?

_‘No, I’m not okay. I feel like death and want to pull my fuckin’ head off, and my stomach is being torn apart because I can’t stop taking laxatives and shit myself at least three times a day, because I’m a fuckin’ mental case who makes really bad impulsive decisions!!!!!!’_

Yeah.... no thank you.

I can’t have everyone worrying about me.

I am _fine._

This is probably just some short lived thing. It’ll go away. It’ll pass, like everything else does.

All I need to focus on right now is getting through this show and giving our audience a great performance, even if I feel like shit. I’ll do anything for our fans. They’ve done nothing but support us for all of these years.

They deserve this.

~ ~ ~

So, I thought I was handling this show well.

I was able to block out the stomach pain by focusing on the emotions in the lyrics, the usual antics of Nikki and DJ, and our screaming audience. The headache was easy to ignore, and my nausea was under control. I hardly felt it at all, so I was able to pretend I was fine and act as if it was just another performance.

Well, I have to say, I definitely thought wrong.

We’re about a third of the way through right now, and my head just started pounding really fuckin’ bad out of nowhere. I think the stage lights are making it worse and all I want to do is squeeze my eyes shut to block it out, but that’s obviously impossible right now.

DJ just started the opening to “Live Forever”, and if there is any song that I would want to avoid singing at all costs right now, it’s this one.

The notes are held for a long time, and when I belt them they’re powerful. Of course I could go easier on myself, but you have to be crazy to think that’s happening. Theres only one way that this song should be performed. I can’t do it any other way.

I was supposed to take off my sunglasses at this point in the show, but I think it’s better if I keep them on, so I can try to block out the light a little bit. Also, then no one will notice how bad my dark circles probably are right now.

I take a huge breath, because it’s time for me to start singing.

_Someone, pray for me._

“Well, you were right... We never really gave a damn... We spent our lives running through the wasteland...”

Alright... So far, so good. I don’t have to belt yet. Maybe I’ll be okay.

The very second I finished that verse and realized what was next, I felt myself tense up.

_Oh shit... Never-mind._

“Now close your eyes, and try to count to seven!”

God, that note hurt. I keep on smiling though. This is for the fans.

“And if we die, I’ll meet you up in heaven, cause you’re beautiful!”

I hold that out as long as I can, and smile at Nikki as he walks towards me.

“We were so independent.... So high on ill intentions....”

He ruffles my hair, and that helps distract me from the pain for a bit. I’m thankful for being on stage with goofballs.

“We would explode in fury.... We were too scared to worry, anyway....”

I try to prepare myself for what’s to come, because this is it. This is the part I’ve been dreading.

“But NOW! You’re the only thing that’s worth DYING for!”

My head is pounding more every time I have to belt a note, and it’s killing me.

“You give me a reason I can’t ignore. You make me want to... LIVE FOREVER!”

At least I could squeeze my eyes shut whenever I belt a note, since I have the sunglasses on. It helps the pain.

“You’re everything I’ve been WAITING for... all of these years and a thousand more!”

I hear a loud cheer from the audience. They’re going absolutely nuts.

“You make me want to... LIVE FOREVER!”

I am impressed that I was able to hold out that last note, but I’m starting to notice that my mouth is a little dry.

I quickly grab my water bottle from the front of the stage and take a chug, before I have to start singing again.

The second I began the second verse, I realized that the water did absolutely nothing and it almost felt dryer.

Now my head is beginning to spin, and it’s really hard dealing with that as you’re performing.

_Fuck, why is my mouth feeling dry?_

All I want to do is drink the whole water bottle but I can’t. I don’t even think that would help. I’m so fuckin’ confused right now. I feel like a parched cactus on a desert.

I keep singing anyway.

“You make me want to LIVE FOREVER!”

It’s right in this moment that I feel it...

The nausea is back, and it’s back... _strong_.

The only positive is that it’s happening right before DJ does his solo, so if I need to run off the stage for a second, I can. But, at the same time... I _really_ don’t want to have to do that.

As soon as that last thought ran through my head, the biggest wave of nausea I’ve ever felt shot through me. I can feel my heart racing, and my body getting hot.

_Oh god, this isn’t good._

As I’m standing in the middle of the stage, all I can think to myself is that I have no choice. I’m definitely gonna have to make a run for it.

The very second that DJ begins his solo, and the stage lights shine on him while dimming everywhere else, I start sneaking my way off to the side.

Right now, my head is throbbing, I’m sweating bullets, and my heart is racing. I’m trying to take deep breaths to calm myself down and hopefully calm the nausea, but it’s not working. I’m starting to really freak out, because I know I’m gonna have to go back up there to sing, and if I can’t get myself together that’s going to go very badly.

I’m trying my best to pay attention to the solo so I know how much time I have left, but the nausea just interrupted my train of thought, and... _Jesus Christ...._

It’s about to happen, and there’s no way of stopping it...

Luckily, one of the crew members had a bucket so it didn’t splatter all over the floor.

It feels like absolute hell, but at the same time, I almost feel better. That’s fucked up, but maybe that’s the end of it. I got it out, so I should be fine....

Before I can let my head spiral anymore, I run right back up to the stage, take a sip of water, and belt out the chorus, as if I didn’t just puke up a storm a few seconds ago.

The crowd is screaming. Nikki and DJ are smiling, and I’m just questioning how the hell I was able to just pull that shit show off without anyone knowing.

I mean.... I really hope that no one _actually_ noticed.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

You know what? I gotta say, I definitely underestimated James. He fuckin’ destroyed that stage tonight!

I was just concerned when I saw him, ya know? He looked pale and exhausted, and I know if I wasn’t feeling well I would not be thrilled about performing. But, then again, I have to remember that this is James we’re talking about. The guy played over five shows last year with the fuckin’ flu! God, I can’t even imagine. The crazy part is that if you heard him those nights, you wouldn’t have ever known he was sick.

 _Insanity_.

Tonight he seemed to be extra energized, even though he looked like hell beforehand. Trust me, he didn’t look good at all, but for some reason the minute he got up on that stage, everything changed. He hit all of his notes with such an intensity, it gave me chills for almost the whole show. I could literally feel all of that emotion from his singing, and I’m pretty sure the audience did too.

It was just an amazing show.

I feel like I say this every time we finish a performance, but my god, I fuckin’ love what I do.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_2:00am_

I don’t know how the hell I made it through that entire show.

I think that is going to remain a mystery to me for the rest of my life.

You know what I also think I’m never gonna know the answer to? Where the hell these migraine headaches and nausea came from.

I know this isn’t the flu, because I’ve had the flu before and it has completely different symptoms. I feel like all of this came out of nowhere, and I’m so confused. I’m thinking that maybe I’m dehydrated from all of the caffeine I drink, but I’ve been really trying to drink enough water to counteract that.

If this really is from the pills I’m taking, then I’m just gonna have to really make sure I’m hydrating enough, because I can’t just stop them.

You need to hear me out here. There’s just something about that cleansed out feeling that they give me, that makes me feel some sort of way. I feel like I’m getting detoxed. All of the negative things that I’ve held inside of my body are being purged out. It’s like there’s a huge weight being lifted off of me, and I feel free.

Every time I look in the mirror now, I notice that everything looks ‘flatter’, and even though that was never my goal in the first place, it gives me a sense of pride. I feel that ‘high’ —- that addictive, compelling rush of ecstasy.

Just knowing that the pills are actually doing what they’re supposed to, and I can see literal proof in front of me, makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

That feeling of emptiness is just so damn powerful.

I could swear that even though I’ve been feeling so fuckin’ sick, I have more energy to perform. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s because I’m getting all of the toxins out of my body. I feel so much lighter because I’m constantly getting emptied out. There is no more of that ‘weighed down’ feeling.

I feel _unstoppable_ , like I can accomplish _anything_.

I can’t make this feeling go away. This is the longest time that I’ve ever gone without having a depressive episode. I’ve been searching for years for a solution, and this has just proved to me day after day that it’s the one I’ve been desperate for.

I can’t fuckin’ stop.

I _need_ this.

~ ~ ~

_1 week later_

DJ’s P.O.V:

We just _killed_ another performance, and I don’t have one bad thing to say about it.

You know, even though there’s been some weird things happening outside of our shows that have led me to become flooded with uncomfortable emotions and a shit load of overthinking, all of that kind of disappears when I’m on stage.

I feel like every performance brings the three of us closer, and I feel so connected to all of the positive energy that radiates off of the audience and onto us, and vice versa.

I have never ever had a bad time performing with these guys.

Every time I start questioning something, I remind myself of how amazing things have been.

I really do think this tour is going better than I had imagined.

_I couldn’t be happier._

That was the last thought that ran through my head...

_... before I saw James collapse._


	12. Oh My God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My mind has not raced like this in a while, because it’s been silenced by the behaviors I engage in... but now, when those are taken from me, I can’t function.
> 
> I can’t fuckin’ survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW-ZA!! My head was spinning as I wrote this chapter because the thought processes hit home for me so hard!!! It makes me thankful that I’m in a much better place mentally than I was just a year ago. TW: eating disorders and all that goes along with them (anxiety, panic, obsessive thoughts, etc!!!!) u know the dealio Also.... as always, THANK YOU to all of you ❤️❤️❤️ for being so invested and interested and just your kindness and genuine supportive feedback! I wish I could give all of you hugs! You ROCK! XOXO

DJ’s P.O.V:  
  
It was in that moment, when I watched James fall to the floor, that I was convinced that time had actually stopped.  
  
Have you ever felt like that?  
  
You feel like the world stopped spinning, and suddenly everything is moving in slow motion?  
  
The voices around you begin to blur and the only thing you’re aware of is your own mind, which is only spitting out horrid catastrophic things —- worst case scenarios?  
  
Well... that’s exactly what is happening to me right now.  
  
It all happened so fuckin’ fast... The three of us were just walking down the hallway back to our dressing room backstage, because we had just finished an amazing performance... and then...  
  
My heart is pounding out of my chest, and all I want to do is bolt over to James, but my body feels completely frozen in place, and I can’t get myself to move a muscle.  
  
That is until everything I’ve been noticing suddenly comes back to me and hits me right in the face.  
  
Within a second, I’m on the floor kneeling beside him, with Nikki on his other side, checking his pulse.  
  
“The EMT on sight is coming...”. He breathes in, “I have no clue what happened, but his pulse seems okay, which is promising...”  
  
As soon as he said that, I feel a slight stir from James and a small wave of relief immediately washes over me.  
  
“James?” I gently shake him, “Hey... Can you hear me?”  
  
I could swear I see his eyes open for a split second, but they immediately close, as if keeping them open took way too much energy.  
  
Before I could say or do anything else, the EMT pushes his way in-between me and Nikki. He gives me an intense look.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
I stare at him with wide eyes, and try to form a coherent thought the best I can, even though I have absolutely no clue what’s going on.  
  
“Uh.... We were just walking off stage down this hall and... he just, collapsed.”  
  
I could feel my stomach twisting and turning as I speak. The uncertainty of the situation is really freaking me out.  
  
He takes a breath, and puts a hand on my shoulder.  
  
“Okay... okay.” He starts rummaging through his medical equipment, and pulls out a blood pressure cuff. As he begins wrapping it around James’ arm, he starts asking questions.  
  
“How long has he been unconscious?”  
  
I look at Nikki who answers confidently.  
  
“Only about a minute.”  
  
That’s when I chime in.  
  
“He did stir though... And opened his eyes....” I look down at James’ and could almost feel his exhaustion, but look back up. “... For like a second.”  
  
The EMT nods, as he removes the blood pressure cuff.  
  
“So... his pressure is a bit low, but that’s expected...”. He puts it back in the case, and begins digging through for something else.  
  
My head is just racing with a ton of thoughts right now. I just want answers and I want them right now. I’m not good with medical stuff so I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to think or do. Thank god there’s a fuckin’ doctor here, or else we would be screwed.  
  
“I’m gonna check his blood sugar really quick.... I think this will give us the most information.”  
  
He pulls out a finger stick and I automatically get a chill. I’m silently begging in my head for the number to be okay, but honestly I’m not feeling so hopeful.  
  
Once the needle pricks James’ finger, I notice right away how fuckin’ pale he is. He looks so sick, and the anxiety I was already feeling just rose.  
  
The anticipation of finding out the dreaded number is killing me and I almost want to grab the glucose monitor from the EMT.  
  
I hear a sharp sigh come from him as he glances at the number on the tiny screen.  
  
I don’t think I’ve felt my heart beat this hard before in my entire life.  
  
I stare at him, waiting for him to announce the result.  
  
A few moments of silence pass and I can’t take it any more.  
  
“So?”  
  
The doctor looks up at me with a pained expression on his face. I have a feeling I’m not gonna like what he’s about to say.  
  
He lets out a sharp exhale.  
  
“Fourty-five.....”  
  
I suddenly feel a chill run up and down my whole body. _Fourty-five._  
  
Even I’m smart enough to know that’s an extremely _dangerous_ level.  
  
I look over at Nikki, who’s biting his lip. He looks just as anxious as I am.  
  
“Well.... _fuck_.”  
  
The EMT gives us a reassuring look, and puts his hands on our shoulders.  
  
“Fainting from low blood sugar isn’t uncommon. In fact, that’s one of the most frequent causes.”  
  
In a way, that eases my anxiety just a bit, but at the same time it doesn’t because no ones blood sugar should be that fuckin’ low...  
  
“Once you get back to the bus, lay him down. He should wake up fully in a few minutes, and when he does you have to get him to eat or drink something right away. If he won’t eat, you have to give him juice or something with sugar.”  
  
The doctor must feel my anxiety, because he automatically speaks in a reassuring tone.  
  
“Once he eats something he should be fine. The sugar will spike the levels right back up. Just, make sure he takes it easy the rest of the day.”  
  
I could hear a sarcastic laugh come from Nikki.  
  
“Yeah.... alright.”  
  
The doctor gave him a confused look. I decide to chime in to state the obvious.  
  
“Getting him to “rest” is the equivalent to pulling teeth...”  
  
The doctor looks and me and shrugs his shoulders.  
  
“Tell him that’s doctor’s orders. And... seriously, make sure he eats something. It must have been a long time since he did, because your blood sugar wouldn’t be this low otherwise.”  
  
All that I’m left with after that is a sick, gnawing feeling in my stomach.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
JAMES P.O.V.  
  
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was a sharp pounding pain in my head. The second was DJ’s blurred face hovering over me.  
  
“Hey buddy.... How are you feeling?”  
  
Everything seemed so bright all of a sudden, and I squeezed my eyes shut. I don’t even know where I am or what exactly happened, so to say I’m confused would be an understatement. I lift my arm to try to rub my head and that’s when I realize how much energy it took to do that.  
  
“You banged your head pretty hard when you fainted.”  
  
My eyes shoot open at that.  
  
 _Fainted?_  
  
“Yeah... We were walking down the hall and you just collapsed.... Scared the shit outta us.”  
  
I can feel myself getting red from embarrassment.  
  
 _I didn’t realize I said that out loud._  
  
I smile and shake my head reassuringly.  
  
“Guys... I’m fine... I’m good.”  
  
I automatically begin to try to move myself from my laying down position on the couch. Within a second, Nikki’s hand is on my shoulder, gently pushing me back down.  
  
“No... No... Lay back down. You need to rest. I’m gonna get you some juice.”  
  
I could feel my stomach drop at the word juice.  
  
 _If there’s anything I avoid at all costs, it’s refined liquid sugary drinks... juice._  
  
I could feel my body tensing up and my heart beat getting faster by the second. It’s not gonna be easy to hide this anxiety. I come up with a pathetic excuse on the spot.  
  
“Oh... No it’s okay. I’m not thirsty.”  
  
Nikki’s eyes widen at me in disbelief, and he shakes his head like a disappointed parent.  
  
“James, you just fainted. You need to drink something. You could be dehydrated, and your blood sugar is low.”  
  
 _Yeah, low... my ass. He doesn’t know a goddamn thing._  
  
I smile, shake my head, and sigh.  
  
“You’re killin’ me, man. I promise I’m fine. I feel fine. You guys worry too much.”  
  
I definitely do not feel fine, but I can’t tell him that. In fact, I feel like complete _shit_. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I still feel a little lightheaded.  
  
Nikki gives me a stern look, and puts his hand on my shoulder.  
  
“An EMT took your blood sugar when you collapsed. It was 45. He told me to make sure you eat or drink something with sugar in it when you wake up because that’s dangerously low. “  
  
 _Pretty sure it’s been this “dangerous” many times before and nothing happened, but okay._  
  
Now I’m tempted to just bolt out of the room and hide from everyone.  
  
“When’s the last time you ate something?”  
  
 _Shit._  
  
I could feel my heart racing.  
  
 _Time to come up with another horrible, pathetic lie._  
  
I furrow my brows, pretending to think hard. The pressure I’m feeling is making me feel like l’m boxed in. It’s almost suffocating.  
  
“Uh... I don’t know... this morning?”  
  
That received suspicious stares from both DJ and Nikki.  
  
I could hear DJ take a huge breath.  
  
“Yeah... You’re probably thinking _yesterday_ morning.”  
  
The silence that followed that sentence was piercing. It was so damn quiet you could probably hear a pin drop. DJ and Nikki exchange long glances and then turn back to face me.  
  
“That EMT said that you would have had to go an _extremely_ long time without eating to get a reading that low.”  
  
 _Yes. Okay, Doctor Sixx. I get it._  
  
It’s hard to keep my eyes from rolling at all of his “medical” comments.  
  
The tension in the room is killing me. I would do absolutely _anything_ at this point to make it go away, and I’m smart enough to know that I’m basically gonna end up being force fed by these two, so why not just make it less painful than it has to be?  
  
Before I could think about anything else, I impulsively say it.  
  
“You know what? You guys are right. I have a few protein bars in my bag. Can ya grab me one?”  
  
 _Protein bars._  
  
I could swear I feel the cringes without even looking at the two. But _come on_ , I literally just offered to eat something without them begging me.  
  
 _Give me a fuckin’ break!_  
  
To my surprise, DJ doesn’t even question me. A huge smile forms on his face as if he just heard me say one of the greatest things on the planet.  
  
“Of course, man! Any specific flavor?”  
  
I almost wish he hadn’t asked that because now my head is spinning.  
  
 _Which flavors do I have in there again?_  
  
I can feel my heart rate quicken.  
  
 _S’mores.... Cookie dough.... Cookies and cream..._  
  
And now... cue the obsessive thoughts.  
  
 _Which has the most fiber content but the least calories? And which has the most protein?_  
  
Fuck, I really want to bang my head against a wall right now... especially when it comes up with insanely stupid thoughts like:  
  
 _Which one expires first so then I have an excuse to throw it out and say I can’t eat it?_  
  
I’m suddenly snapped out of my trance by DJ’s voice.  
  
“Hey... Earth to James. You with us?”  
  
I could feel myself flushing with embarrassment. I’ve been spacing out so often lately... I mean, I think you would too if you had all of these ridiculous thoughts going round and round in your head all the time.  
  
 _Make a decision._  
  
 _Quick!!!_  
  
I blurt out, “S’mores.”  
  
At least I know that’s the least caloric one of the bunch.  
  
DJ nods his head.  
  
“Gotcha. B - R - B !”  
  
As I watch him make a run for my bag, I silently hope that he has trouble finding it.  
  
Nikki lets out a sigh and looks at me like a big brother.  
  
“You know those aren’t what the EMT meant when he said for you to eat something with sugar.”  
  
Before I could think of a clever response, DJ is in my face wiggling the bar in his hands.  
  
“Here ya go, buddy!”  
  
He throws it on my lap and I can feel my whole body cringing. I do my best to fake a smile as I stare at the wrapper, trying to hide the fact that I’m scanning over the complete nutrition information on it.  
  
 _190 calories._  
 _21 grams of protein._  
 _15 grams of fiber._  
  
Not bad. I could have chosen worse.  
  
At least I know that if I do have to actually eat this, most of the calories won’t be digested because of the high fiber content. I’ll just shit it out with the rest of what I manage to eat... thanks to the miracle pills I found at the pharmacy.  
  
As for the protein... It’s the highest amount of all the bars, so at least I know my body will be burning more calories digesting that since protein takes the most energy to break down.  
  
And, as much as I hate to admit it, Nikki is definitely right about this not increasing my blood sugar. I purposely chose something that wasn’t refined and that wouldn’t spike my levels because when your levels get spiked, that’s when your body goes into fat storing mode. Complex carbs take longer to digest and I already said your body uses way more energy to metabolize them. I’m safe this way.  
  
I carefully begin to unwrap the bar, meticulously trying to line the creases up just right so it isn’t all choppy and uneven. I can feel Nikki and DJ’s eyes on me. Even I know I must look like a psycho right now.  
  
Once the bar is unwrapped enough where I can see it, I start staring at all of the “chocolate” chunks and cookie crumbles that are scattered inside of it. It’s pretty crazy how they make something so healthy look like something so fuckin’ _bad_ for you.  
  
I start feeling the corners, to see which end I want to pick a piece off of to eat. I tend to go for the flatter side, but both of these seem pretty thick because of the chunks.  
  
It’s all for the sake of delaying. The tiny bites. The picking food apart. The observing. I do all of that so it takes longer for me to have to put it in my mouth to eat it.  
  
Once I find the perfect spot, I squeeze it and pick off a piece. I squish it in between my fingers.  
  
I must have been taking way too long with my distractions, because I think Nikki is about to have a low key nervous breakdown.  
  
“James, I swear to god, I will call that EMT if you don’t put that bar in your mouth.”  
  
Perfect timing, because I was just about to take a bite. I smile as I put the squished piece of protein goodness in my mouth. I almost just want to swallow it whole so I don’t have to be reminded that I’m eating. The idea of it is making me feel some sort of way right now.  
  
I didn’t plan to eat right now. I already ate in the morning, and the next time I planned to eat was a few hours from now. This is a huge break in my routine and when shit like this happens it gives me anxiety because keeping a schedule of rigidity makes me feel safe. It gives me a sense of relief. Right now, this all feels so chaotic. I’m so uncomfortable.  
  
 _I don’t like it._  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
After what feels like an absolute eternity, I crumble up the wrapper of the bar and am about to get up to put it in the trash, when Nikki stops me... again. He is staring at me with a paternal expression, as he shakes his head.  
  
“You’re not going any-where, James.”  
  
 _Excuse me? Are you my fuckin’ parent?_  
  
“You’re staying right here, and you’re resting.” Him and DJ exchange glances, as I feel my stomach drop.  
  
“Look... James, you need to really take better care of yourself. You need to let yourself rest. I know you tend to overwork yourself, and you don’t sleep well... You’re exhausted... You’re burning yourself out.”  
  
I hate to even admit this to myself, but he’s absolutely right. I do overwork myself, but he wouldn’t fuckin’ understand why I do what I do! He wouldn’t get it!  
  
 _No one would get it!_  
  
I _need_ to keep going. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. I can’t do it. I need to fuckin’ move. I’m exhausted but I have so much nervous energy swimming inside of me at the same time. I’m about to jump out of my skin. I cannot just sit here. I CANNOT—-  
  
DJ’s voice interrupts my thoughts.  
  
“We’ll both stay here with you and keep you company.”  
  
I literally feel my heart skip a beat and my whole body tensing up.  
  
 _Well.... now there’s no fuckin’ way you’ll get away with moving._  
  
Now my heart is racing, and my head is spinning, and I can’t think straight, and everything is going fuckin’ _wrong._  
  
This whole situation just feels so.... _wrong._  
  
 _Everything is just WRONG._  
  
“James.... I know this is hard for you....”  
  
I can hardly focus on what anyone is saying because the voices in my head are overpowering everything.  
  
 _I can’t sit here. If I sit here, everything I just ate is going to just fester inside of me and stick to me. It’ll be trapped there and I’ll be contaminated, and then I won’t be able to burn it off by exercising—-_  
  
“... but you’re gonna be okay... okay?”  
  
 _—-and even if I don’t exercise I would have usually been pacing around or standing up which counts as moving and that burns calories and now I’m just fuckin’ sitting here and that’s messing everything up because I’m not getting the number of steps I need for the day and if I don’t do that something is going to happen and I just CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW._  
  
My mind has not raced like this in a while, because it’s been silenced by the behaviors I engage in... but now, when those are taken from me, I can’t function.  
  
I can’t fuckin’ _survive._  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Trapped in my head,_  
 _My eternally moving brain_  
 _It’s wheels always turning_  
 _And it is driving me insane_  
  
 _Scattered numbers_  
 _And mathematical equations_  
 _Fill me up with dread_  
 _Which breaks my communication_  
  
 _Now disconnected from the present_  
 _And all of reality_  
 _The obsessions begin_  
 _And I am flooded with anxiety_  
  
 _The numbers increase_  
 _And the thoughts get louder_  
 _Shut up_  
 _Shut up_  
 _SHUT UP!_  
 _Why do I give them so much power?_  
  
 _I’m going in circles_  
 _Like a hamster on a wheel_  
 _My mind doesn’t stop spinning_  
 _Overwhelming torment is all I feel_  
  
 _I beg,_  
 _And I beg,_  
 _Somebody make it stop!_  
  
 _But never does it listen_  
 _Maybe this is just my luck._


	13. Let It Haunt You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I knew what Hell actually felt like until last night...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOF !!!
> 
> Gonna keep this short and to the point. Basically, this was INTENSE to write and I’m bubbling with all sorts of crazy emotions (so I gotta take some time to ground myself and separate from them!). But I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> TW for eating disorders, anxiety, specific behaviors, and anything else connected to that!!!
> 
> As always I appreciate all of you who take the time to read this and are enjoying it. You really do keep me going and I couldn’t ask for anything more ❤️❤️xx

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t think I knew what Hell actually felt like until last night...

Do you know what Hell is?

Hell is being forced to sit with your thoughts and not being able to do anything to stop them.

You can’t silence your racing mind, and the longer you sit still and let all of your uncomfortable emotions fester inside of you, the louder those intrusive voices in your head get. They just get louder and louder, while overpowering everything else that is going on around you. You become completely disconnected from the present moment because all you can focus on is the horrid tape that is repeating itself in your head. You can’t even speak if you wanted to, because you’re sucked into a whole different universe —- an insane one, at that —- one full of fear, uncertainty, and delusions. You forget what’s real and what’s not. You cannot separate yourself from your thoughts —- you are _one_.

One with the distortions.

One with the catastrophic _bullshit_.

One with the torment in your head.

Hell is when you can’t engage in the behaviors that keep you sane... the ones that silence the mind and provide you with the relief that you so desperately crave.

It’s when there’s so many toxic emotions stuck inside of your body that you can’t empty out, and it weighs you down like a pile of bricks, but at the same time fills you up with nervous energy that leaves you restless and wanting to crawl out of your skin.

Hell is feeling completely powerless over your mind.

You feel trapped in your head, and there is no way for you to escape your thoughts. They consume you and your whole being. You start to feel possessed, like you’re going completely insane. You start to beg internally for someone to make it stop. You beg, and beg, and beg, but you receive nothing but torture in return. All they do is scream louder, and you start feeling boxed in, like they’re _suffocating_ you. You can’t fuckin’ breathe, and all you want to do is cry out loud for someone, _any-one_ , to save you from the Hell that you’re trapped in...

...but, you _can’t_.

That’s _exactly_ how I felt last night when DJ and Nikki wouldn’t let me move from the couch.

I can tell you right now, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so trapped in my life. I can’t remember the last time I sat down for that long, and the longer I had to, the more I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. My anxiety had risen like it’s never risen before, and that was just because I forced myself to choke down that protein bar. That in itself was excruciating, but then having to sit with that, and not being able to do anything to compensate for what I had just done... That was absolutely _terrifying_.

I couldn’t jump up, and run to the back of the tour bus to start exercising.

I couldn’t escape to my bunk to dig out extra laxatives from my suitcase, and take them.

I couldn’t just erase the fact that I had just shoved down a protein bar when I hadn’t planned to.

I couldn’t fuckin’ do _anything_!

So... I just sat there.

I sat with those horrible, obsessive thoughts that raced around in my head. I sat with all of that debilitating fear that was eating at me from the inside out. I sat with the intense discomfort of wanting to rip my own skin off because of what I thought was happening to my body.

I was hitting my breaking point, but I still just sat there.

It was the very moment when DJ and Nikki left me alone, that I snuck into the bathroom.

I couldn’t fuckin’ take it anymore. As soon as I had the opportunity to escape and move, I ran for it. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the shower, so it gave the impression that I was in there, and started doing crunches on the cold, tiled floor.

I’ll admit that I really did feel like a crazy person in that moment, but I felt like I had no other option. My brain was conjuring up a list of ways for me to compensate for all of that sitting, and I needed it to shut up. Giving in was the only way I knew how to silence it, so that’s what I did.

It started with crunches... Then push-ups... Then it turned into higher intensity stuff like plank jacks and tuck jumps.

Before I knew it, I was doing non-stop _bur-pees_ in that bathroom, when I was supposed to be ‘showering.’

I thought that exercising was going to ease all of the anxiety that I was feeling, but it was actually just making it _worse_.

I caught a quick glance of myself in the mirror, and out of nowhere, all of those scary feelings that I had about my body that one night before a show all started coming right back to me.

Within seconds, I felt the sensation of tiny hands touching me, contorting my body —- changing it and manipulating it.

All of a sudden, I didn’t feel safe in it, and instead just felt trapped.

In that moment, I just wanted to rip it off, and escape, but I couldn’t. I knew that I was gonna end up having another mental breakdown if I didn’t move away from that mirror, but once again, I felt glued to it and became consumed with frustration, panic, and helplessness.

My emotions felt all over the place, and I couldn’t think straight. I ended up throwing anything in that bathroom that I could get my hands on, and before I knew it, the floor was covered with scattered shampoo bottles, tubes of shaving cream, bars of soap, and a shattered magnifying mirror.

It didn’t take long for all of that intense emotion to catch up to me, and I ended up feeling completely drained, like I got hit by the bus we were staying on.

I used whatever energy that I had left in me to clean all of the shit up, and make it appear like the huge shit show that occurred didn’t just happen.

It all feels like a blur to me now, but I do know that I drenched my hair in the sink before I left the bathroom... because I was supposedly ‘showering’ remember?

I also know that at some point during my breakdown, the laxatives kicked in and tore my stomach to shreds...

...and I definitely know, without a doubt, that I took even _more_ after that.

Despite being exhausted, I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t, because my mind kept me up.

It’s now the next day, and I don’t feel any better.

I feel like absolute _shit_ , both physically and mentally. My body is exhausted and feels sore everywhere. I have a headache, and my stomach feels like shit. My hair is still falling out, my anxiety is high, and I want to crawl out of my skin.

It’s all the same. It’s nothing I’m not used to.

I just have to do the exact same thing that I do every day. Pretend everything is fine, put on that laid back, passionate musician facade that everyone knows and loves, and continue playing the part, hoping that no one sees through any cracks that form.

It’s all I can do, really.

~ ~ ~

_Three days later:_

DJ’s P.O.V:

I haven’t slept well the past few nights, because I can’t stop thinking about James, and my thoughts don’t let me calm down. I twist and turn and can’t get comfortable, no matter what I do to try to relax, I just can’t... and that never happens.

I think that just shows how powerful emotions can actually be.

I just can’t stop worrying. I’m not usually the worrying type, but ever since this tour started, I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing. It started off slow, because the things I noticed seemed subtle, and I didn’t think too deep into things, but then as the weeks went on, they’ve gotten bigger, so the worrying increased.

But now... after that fainting incident the other night... My mind has been going haywire, because I have so many questions that I don’t have the answers to. There are so many unknowns right now... so much uncertainty... So much of this is up in the air and I don’t know what the reality of the situation actually is.

I like to avoid things that make me feel uncomfortable. I think most people do, but the longer I push things away, the more freaked out I’m getting, because things just seem like they’re getting worse, and I don’t know what I should do about it, especially since I don’t even have a clear answer of what’s going on.

The dude fuckin’ fainted. He literally collapsed out of nowhere! He fell to the fuckin’ ground, had a blood sugar level in the forties, and _still_ acted like everything was totally fine.

Look... I don’t care who the hell you are, or what you’re going through. That is NOT fine. I have no experience with medical stuff at all, but even I knew that something had to be _seriously_ wrong for that to happen.... and he just _denied_ it.

_‘You’re killin’ me man. I promise I’m fine. I feel fine.’_

I didn’t buy that at all. There’s no way he felt okay after that. No way in hell. But, he kept playing it off, and did anything he could to push the conversation in a different direction.

_‘You guys worry too much.’_

That one hit me like a pile of bricks, because he’s acting as if there’s no reason to worry. There are a ton of reasons to worry. I was worrying before this happened, but this just escalated it all. He doesn’t think I’m noticing things. Or he does, but he’s pretending I don’t. I don’t fuckin’ know what goes on inside of his head, but I don’t think it’s the least bit rational.

It’s not only what he said. When Nikki repeatedly tried coaxing him to eat something, and he finally agreed, he asked me to get him a _protein bar_.

Of all things, that’s what he decided on. He’s smart enough to know that he needed something with sugar in it to spike his levels back up, but he went for the goddamn protein. That does _nothing_. I really wanted to scream and shake him by the shoulders to smack some sense into him, but I resisted.

The only reason that I didn’t fight with him about it was because I hardly see him eat anything and if he was gonna actually eat that, then I could give two fucks. I just wanted to see him eat _something_... literally _anything_.

At the same time, I felt such a sick feeling in my stomach because I feel like whenever I do see him eat, that’s all it is.

Protein bars.

Protein bars and coffee.

I’m just confused. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly how I’m feeling, but I just don’t feel okay about things right now.

Me and Nikki stayed with him the rest of the evening because we were scared that he would jump right back into things like he usually does, and there was no way in hell we were letting that happen. It felt like pulling teeth... getting him to stay sitting there on that couch. I could tell how much he wanted to escape. I could tell he was about to jump out of his skin, and I’ll honestly say that it was painful to watch. Part of me wanted to just let him be because he’s an adult. He’s older than me, but at the same time I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do. And... plus... with Nikki right there, there was no way I would be able to convince him of anything else.

I just want to confront him. I want to confront him so badly, but.... I can’t. I can’t because there’s that part of me that is scared that I’m overreacting about this, and then I’ll make a fool out of myself for freaking out about it. What if I do confront him and then there’s nothing wrong? Is this all in my head? Am I crazy? Am I making shit up?

I don’t fuckin’ know!

I don’t fuckin’ know, but now I want to know.

I can’t handle not knowing. It’s killing me and I’m scared.

~ ~ ~

_One week later:_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t know what is going on with me. I’m starting to feel like I’m crazy.

My head is already spinning and all I’ve done so far today is eat ‘breakfast.’ I’m so fuckin’ sick of obsessing all the goddamn time! My head is literally never giving me a break these days. It’s _always_ racing, and it drives me completely nuts.

I don’t understand what’s changed... It was already a hell hole up there, but now it’s just more torturous than ever.

Nothing I’m doing seems to help any-more!

I’m exercising to silence the noise, but it only gets louder, so I exercise even more.

I’m eating less to block out the voices that are screaming, but they just keep going, so I cut even more food out.

I’ll take the laxatives, diuretics, and caffeine capsules for that sense of relief, but then I see a distorted vision of myself and end up taking even more...

Do you see what’s happening?

All of the things that I’ve been doing have provided me with something —- Relief, a sense of accomplishment, an adrenaline rush, some kind of ‘high’ —- but lately, it seems as though I need to do _more_ of it in order for it to give me what I need.

The amount that I did before isn’t enough any-more, so I am forced to push myself even harder, and exhaust myself even more, or else I’ll have to keep on listening to the torment that fills my mind.

It’s never nice things that are said up there... I don’t hear words of kindness, compassion, or empathy. No, I hear strict condescending demands, harsh remarks, and rash rules that I have to follow.

It doesn’t stop until I give in and do what it says.

If I resist, it will just torture me until I change my mind and listen.

It doesn’t care that I feel like I’ve depleted all of my energy. It continues to demand that I move faster, jump higher, and run longer.

It doesn’t care that my stomach feels like it’s been ripped to shreds and locked in a meat grinder. It still convinces me to keep buying more of the _stupid_ pills.

It doesn’t care that I am so goddamn hungry that I start feeling sick to my stomach, and am overcome with intense migraine-like headaches that make me want to pull my head off. It still makes sure I don’t eat a single morsel more than what I’m told I’m allowed to.

If I don’t give in, it will shoot out the most horrific worst case scenarios. It will remind me of all of the catastrophic things that will happen if I don’t engage. It gets so fuckin’ loud and obnoxious... but I listen to it any-way, and always end up believing what it tells me... so I give in.

I know you’re probably wondering why I still give in even where there’s little to no part of me what wants to. Why do I give in even though it feels like absolute _hell_? Why am I torturing myself like that??

It’s because I know I’ll get _exactly_ what I need after I do it.

I know that even though I do feel tortured in the moment while it’s happening, it will all pay off at the end, even if I have to put myself through Hell for even longer in order to get it.

When I finish, that’s when all of the good stuff happens.

That’s when the noises in my head are muffled, and my brain praises me for my work. It spits out compliments like...

_‘You’re so strong.’_

_‘Good job.’_

_‘I knew you would get through it.’_

_‘Didn’t I tell you this would all pay off?’_

That’s when that sense of accomplishment comes to the surface, and I suddenly feel like I could achieve _anything_. All of those euphoric feelings come bubbling up —- Relief, ecstasy, empowerment —- and that is what brings that ultimate _‘high.’_

It’s that rush that is so addictive, and that is what makes all of the behaviors that I engage in so _appealing_ , even if they don’t seem like it in the moment.

It doesn’t matter what the cost is... I will always feel compelled to continue.

I have my ways to deal with the consequences —- I mean, when I’m exhausted, I chug my coffee and pop my caffeine capsules, which work wonders.

It’s all part of the routine now. It’s habitual. It’s automatic.

It’s become my new normal.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

You know what’s really fuckin’ scary?

One moment you’re feeling okay, but things can change in the blink of an eye, and then suddenly... everything goes to _Hell_.

If you’ve experienced it, you know what I mean, but I never thought I would be feeling that way just because I was trying to look for some toothpaste...

I didn’t find _any_ toothpaste.

Instead....

I’m staring at evidence that confirms my fears.

The _raw_ truth.

And all I can say now is that....

_Everything just went to Hell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowza


	14. Riot In My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want to scream right now because I want answers, but at the same time I want to run away and escape this harsh reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hits close to home for me —- it reminds me of the way the people I love reacted when they found out the severity of my ED behaviors, so it brought up a lot, but I think it’s important to know about ❤️
> 
> TW: eating disorders, specific behaviors, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, lots of EMOTIONS

DJ’s P.O.V:  
  
You know what Hell is?  
  
Hell is when you are expecting to find some toothpaste, but instead you come face to face with something so much worse...  
  
Hell is when you have to come to terms with reality. You can’t run away from it, or try to avoid it anymore, because it is smacking you right in the fuckin’ face.  
  
I was just looking for some fuckin’ toothpaste.... that’s it.  
  
I didn’t realize that I had ran out until I went to get myself put together for our interview later, and saw that I had none left. I figured it wasn’t a big deal, since Nikki or James probably had some, and I knew they wouldn’t have minded if I used theirs.  
  
I don’t know why my first instinct was to ask James, but it was.  
  
He was in the shower, so I asked him from the other room if he had any toothpaste that I could use. I don’t think he ended up hearing me though, because I never got an answer back. Nikki must have heard me because he nonchalantly let me know that James wouldn’t mind if I borrowed it, and that he probably kept it in his suitcase somewhere.  
  
I figured it was okay if I looked for it, especially since we’re all so close with one another. We’ve gone through each other’s shit so many times and no one ever gave a fuck, so that’s what I did...  
  
I mean... That’s what I had intended to do, at least.  
  
So, I made my way to James’ bunk, and started looking for his suitcase. When I found it, I automatically noticed that there were a ton of different compartments, and I had no fuckin’ clue where to start.  
  
Honestly, if anyone in the world would have such a hard time trying to find toothpaste in someone’s bag, it would be me.  
  
I started unzipping each of the compartments, one by one, and I was having no luck at all.  
  
I figured that it would just be easier to ask Nikki to use his toothpaste, but my train of thought was interrupted the minute I spotted a bottle of something that looked like it could be mouthwash.  
  
I decided that the toothpaste would probably be in that same pocket if there was any, so I continued to rummage through.  
  
Now, as I’m sitting here, frozen in confusion and shock, I can truly say, I wish I _hadn’t_.  
  
I didn’t find any fuckin’ toothpaste in that bag.  
  
Instead... I found _laxatives_.  
  
I found a stash of laxatives, diet pills, detox supplements, and caffeine capsules.  
  
Remember that bottle that I thought had mouthwash in it? That wasn’t mouthwash.  
  
It was _magnesium citrate_.  
  
My first reaction was confusion. I was asking myself what the hell all of this shit that I was looking at even was, because I know for one, I’ve never heard of half of it! And second, why the fuckin’ _hell_ he would even have it?  
  
Now, the longer I find myself staring at the bottles in front of me, and the more details I read on the labels, the more my brain is starting to connect things.  
  
It feels like pieces of this mysterious puzzle that I’ve been trying to solve for the longest time are finally coming together, except... It doesn’t feel good.  
  
It feels horrible.  
  
I feel like I’m gonna be sick.  
  
My whole body feels frozen in place and I can feel a huge lump in my throat, because now I realize that everything I’ve been trying to push away has been real. Everything that I was trying to avoid, dismiss, and play off has been exactly what I feared.  
  
My gut was right the whole time, but I just kept telling myself that I was blowing all of this out of proportion.  
  
I kept telling myself that I was overthinking all of this and that it really wasn’t a big deal. You know, I tried to tell myself that it was probably just James being his productivity obsessed self, and forgetting to sleep and eat because of all of the work he was doing. When he’s manic he’s like that, and even when he’s not manic... he’s just a workaholic. I was lying to myself the whole fuckin’ time because I didn’t want to face the truth.  
  
The truth _hurts_.  
  
I kept trying to believe him when he said he was just trying to get in shape for the tour... I wanted to believe that’s all it was. That’s why he was exercising so much like a maniac.  
  
I kept telling myself that whatever little episode he was having would eventually end, and that he would be back to his normal self and everything would be okay. But I was Fuckin’ wrong.  
  
I was wrong because... how do you justify all of the shit I just found?? You can’t justify laxatives and diet pills. Those are intentional. You don’t buy those by mistake. He’s taking this shit intentionally and my heart hurts and I feel fuckin’ sick.  
  
Now... Everything that I’ve been noticing since this tour started is adding up.  
  
When he collapsed the other night from dehydration and his blood sugar dropping, it was probably from a combination of hardly eating and taking this shit.  
  
When he said his stomach was bothering him at that restaurant, he played it off and blamed it on the broccoli that he ordered. That wasn’t from the goddamn broccoli. It was from the fuckin’ laxatives.  
  
It’s all adding up and I don’t like what conclusion I’m coming to.  
  
The laxatives are just one part, but when they’re connected to everything else.... I... I just can’t believe this is real.  
  
_Not eating._  
  
_Not sleeping._  
  
_Exercising obsessively._  
  
_Drinking too much caffeine_  
  
_Fainting_  
  
_Laxatives/ diet pills/ cleanses_  
  
I don’t want to believe that this is real.  
  
Thinking about all of this is too much. It’s too fuckin’ much to handle right now.  
  
My head is spinning. It’s fuckin’ going in circles and it won’t stop.  
  
_Why is he doing this?_  
  
_Why the hell is he doing this?_  
  
_What is he thinking?_  
  
I just want to scream right now because I want answers, but at the same time I want to run away and escape this harsh reality.  
  
_I want to understand and I can’t._  
  
_I want to stop him but I know I can’t._  
  
It’s painful knowing that I have no control over what he does and doesn’t do. It’s painful to accept that he’s a grown man and he can choose to do what he wants with his life, no matter what other people think about it.  
  
I can’t even keep track of all of the thoughts that are shooting through my head right now. All I know is that the more I hear them, the higher my anxiety rises.  
  
_Where did he even get these pills from?_  
  
_How is he still able to perform every night when he’s doing this shit to himself?_  
  
I’m so worked up right now, but I still haven’t moved from my position on the floor. I still haven’t even put the pill bottles back where I found them.  
  
I suddenly hear James shut the water off in the shower, and my heart skips a beat.  
  
How am I supposed to act all natural now after what I just experienced? How am I supposed to act like nothing just happened and that I totally DON’T want to curl up in a ball and cry?  
  
I take a deep breath to try to slow my racing heart, and squeeze my eyes shut. I take another breath, open them, and quickly put all of the pill bottles back in the suitcase.  
  
All I can hope is that I did a good job putting them back where they were... and that it’s not noticeable that someone found them.  
  
The very second that I turn around and am about to get up from the floor, I find myself face to face with James, and I swear to god, my heart feels like it skipped three beats.  
  
I suddenly feel myself freezing up and now my heart is racing all over again.  
  
“Hey Buddy! Did ya miss me?”  
  
Of course he goes and cracks a joke. Typical James. He has no fuckin’ clue how on edge I feel right now.  
  
He has _no_ fuckin’ idea...  
  
I let out a forced laugh that I really hope doesn’t seem too forced, to try to ease my own tension, but it doesn’t do much. In fact, I’m just feeling more and more anxious.  
  
Suddenly, I can hear my mind start to scream at me.  
  
_SAY SOMETHING, DJ!_  
  
It’s begging me. It knows that if there was any time that would be perfect to finally confront James, it would be right now, in this very moment.  
  
I know it’s right. My gut is saying _‘DO IT! SAY SOMETHING! NOW IS THE TIME!’_  
  
But, at the same time, I feel so frozen. I feel so trapped.  
  
I’m so... _conflicted_.  
  
If my brain was a person, I can guarantee it would be shaking me by my shoulders to knock some sense into me right now.  
  
It’s a desperate kind of pleading.  
  
_SAY SOMETHING, GODDAMMIT!_  
  
But... I just _can’t_.  
  
I can’t because of all of the possible outcomes my brain is spitting out at me.  
  
_What if you say something and then he gets defensive?_  
  
_What if he gets mad at you and then there’s this horrible tension between us?_  
  
_What if he’s actually taking those things because there’s some medical issue? What is he actually needs them?_  
  
I’m able to shut that thought up right away.  
  
_That’s bullshit! I’ve noticed the signs. I know he doesn’t NEED that stuff! Don’t even start with me—-_  
  
It fights back every single time. It’s like a fuckin’ dialogue going on in there... A dialogue with your conscience.  
  
_What if all of this is none of your business and you really have no fuckin’ right to snoop into someone’s suitcase and then you have the nerve to go and confront the person about what you found... You fuckin’ idiot! He’s an adult and you have no right to do that—-_  
  
It won’t shut up.  
  
It won’t fuckin’ shut up.  
  
If I could, I would bang my head against a wall right now, but even then, I don’t think the ruminating would stop.  
  
It’s like an ongoing battle in my head that I see no ending to.  
  
It’s _torture_.  
  
I finally snap myself back to reality the best I can, by just spitting out the first sentence I could think of.  
  
“I was actually just looking for some toothpaste—-“  
  
I didn’t realize how fast that came out until I said it, and I suddenly feel myself getting a little hot. I just want to run away from all of this and just pretend none of this happened.  
  
James just smiles at me.  
  
“Oh...”. He kneels down and laughs. “You could have just said so!”  
  
He quickly opens up the first compartment in the front of the suitcase, pulls out a tube of toothpaste, and hands it to me.  
  
I feel my stomach twisting and churning into knots, as I take it from him. I look down at it as I feel everything tense up.  
  
“Wow....” I awkwardly laugh. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of looking in the first front pocket...”  
  
_And imagine... If you looked in that first pocket, you could have avoided this whole shit show..._  
  
I feel myself internally cringing.  
  
_But... isn’t it better to know?_  
  
I just want to shake my head and scream because I wish I didn’t know, but I’ve been wanting to know this whole fuckin’ time, but now that I do know, it feels so _painful_ , and I just want to erase all of it from my memory.  
  
James’ voice interrupts my thoughts.  
  
“You better get ready, dude! We have that interview in an hour.”  
  
A huge feeling of dread washes over me, as I do my best to smile. I can feel my body cringing so much, because I thought today was bad enough.... but now it’s just worse.  
  
I have to go to an interview, and just pretend everything is fine.  
  
That’s the last thing I want to do right now.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
JAMES’ P.O.V:  
  
I already know that this interview is going to be the death of me.  
  
I’m so fuckin’ tired. I’m tired of a lot of things, but I’m ridiculously tired of my head... my brain... my obsessions...  
  
I’m sick of putting on a mask for everyone and pretending I’m okay. I’m sick of playing my “professional producer / rock god musician” persona, even though it’s my job and I love what I do.  
  
I can’t focus on what I love as much anymore because my brain capacity is almost full to the brim with distorted thoughts, compulsive planning, and disturbing emotions that I wish I didn’t have to feel.  
  
The shower that I took before we left for this interview was by far one of the worst. I can feel my body’s energy stores depleting more day by day, and it’s gotten to the point where showering feels like it uses so much. My body hurt when I was in there, and I wanted to punch the wall whenever I saw how much of my hair kept falling out. Even though I was showering in hot water, I still managed to feel cold and couldn’t get myself to stop shivering.  
  
Only a delusional person would say that they’re completely okay.  
  
I know I’m a mess, but my reasons for continuing everything I’ve been doing overpower every single consequence I’ve dealt with so far.  
  
I still haven’t had a depressive episode in months, so I tell myself, if I have to deal with soreness, exhaustion, and sometimes extreme anxiety or disturbing stomach issues, so be it.  
  
None of that can even compare to the feeling of despair that a depressive episode brings.  
  
For the sake of myself, and everyone around me, I have to keep going.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
DJ’s P.O.V:  
  
Sitting through that whole interview felt like _hell_.  
  
I tried so hard to stay present and focused on answering the questions, but I couldn’t stop thinking about James. It didn’t help that every time I looked at him, he seemed like he was about to jump out of his skin, but looked like he got hit by a bus at the same time.  
  
I used to notice those things and tell myself it was just James overworking himself, but now I see it in a whole different light, and it makes my stomach churn.  
  
Now, when I see his exhaustion, I just think of what he’s doing to himself and how he’s hurting himself so badly. I see that haunting image of his bare torso... bones and ribs and all... and get reminded that he’s living in some kind of personal Hell... One that I don’t think I can understand.  
  
When I see that energetic, jittery side of him, I know it’s not natural. Now I can only picture him swallowing handfuls of those caffeine capsules that I found.  
  
Every time I had to answer a question, I had to try so hard to disconnect from everything... I had to pretend that everything was absolutely fine, nothing was wrong, and I was just excited to be on another interview for this amazing tour.  
  
The time dragged on. I normally would have enjoyed this, but today it just stung. Everything stung. I kept begging for time to go faster, so I could finally find a place to be alone and let my mask fall off.  
  
Now, that I’m finally by myself and I’m alone with my thoughts, I wish I wasn’t.  
  
_Why am I so conflicted?_  
  
_Why am I so unsure of what to do?_  
  
_Why can’t life just be simple?_  
  
_Why am I acting like a helpless baby?_  
  
_Why is my best friend doing this shit to himself for no reason?_  
  
_And.... Why can’t I do anything about it?_  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
_Two days later:_  
  
JAMES’ P.O.V  
  
_2:00am_  
  
It’s two in the morning, and can you even take a guess at what I’m doing? I already know that you know I’m not sleeping, because when does that ever happen?  
  
Exactly... _it doesn’t_.  
  
It’s two in the morning, and I’m about to workout, just like I do every night.  
  
The three of us are sharing another hotel suite, so I can get away with exercising when Nikki and DJ are asleep.  
  
I need to be honest and say I’m not feeling this right now, especially because of how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. My emotions have been all over the place, so I use behaviors to try to keep them at bay and shut my head up. It works, but it doesn’t work right away.  
  
It gets worse at first... I’ll start working out and all of a sudden my head starts screaming shit at me, telling me I’m not doing enough, and that I need to go harder even though I already feel like I’m about to collapse and give up.  
  
But, I don’t have a choice. I’ll do anything to shut it up, so I keep going. I’ll keep going, and it feels like Hell, but I know I’ll be okay, because it ends eventually.  
  
I’ll keep going, even when the distortions in my head escalate, and I start feeling unsafe and trapped in my own skin. All of a sudden, my body feels disgusting, grotesque, and just... _wrong_. I want to rip my skin off, so I keep going harder to make the feelings go away.  
  
Then, the feelings about my body switch to feelings about myself. My head screams that I’m a failure, a horrible person, and that I can’t do anything right. It’s all because I don’t push myself as hard as it wants me to, but once I give in, it is satisfied and stops taunting me.  
  
It stops once I feel like I’ve worn my whole body out, to the point of exhaustion... Exhaustion that I can’t even fully describe.  
  
I know what’s expected. It happens every day. It’s routine.  
  
It’s just another sleepless night.  
  
Nothing is different around here.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
DJ’s P.O.V:  
  
_3:00am_  
  
I can’t sleep.  
  
I can’t stop these thoughts.  
  
I don’t know what to fuckin’ do.  
  
I’ve been twisting and turning for hours and I don’t think I got even ten minutes of sleep.  
  
I’m about to crawl out of my skin because of this anxiety.  
  
I want to throw everything around this hotel room because I don’t know how to deal with these scary emotions.  
  
I feel like I’m hitting my breaking point.  
  
I don’t think I’ve ever kept something in like this for so long.  
  
I don’t know how much longer I _can_...


	15. Help Is On The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a long pause, until Nikki states the obvious that I wish wasn’t so obvious.
> 
> “He has a problem, DJ.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I am super excited to finally be able to share this chapter with you... It was actually one of the firsts parts that I wrote before I decided I was turning this into a full story, and I’ve been waiting forever to be able to include it in, and the time has finally come! I was gonna wait another day to post it but you guys have been so supportive that I thought you deserved it sooner! (Love you all so much ❤️) 
> 
> Some of you may recognize this one, because i had actually posted the first version of it as a stand alone scene, because i didn't know when it would be able to get incorporated but i had wanted to post it anyway! (I'll probably delete that now since it's part of the story!!)
> 
> It all hits close to home for me because I vividly remember how others reacted to the severity of my eating disorder... and all of the emotions that were expressed. Everyone reacts differently but it’s never an easy thing to take in for anyone. 
> 
> TW: eating disorders, specific behaviors, heavy emotions, anxiety, all that fun stuff! 
> 
> (Sorry for the novel as always!! Stay safe guys. I appreciate all of you! ) ❤️—Livdonna

DJ’s P.O.V:  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I could swear I see James doing burpees.  
  
 _At 3 in the fuckin’ morning._  
  
I gulp nervously, as I walk back to my bed from the bathroom. I sit on top of the mattress, cross legged, with my head in my hands.  
  
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know if I should tell Nikki about this. My head is spinning with so many thoughts and questions right now. It feels like a tornado.  
  
 _Why is he doing this?! I don’t fuckin’ get it!_  
  
 _I don’t understand what’s happening!_  
  
 _Do I finally talk to Nikki about this or am I just crazy?_  
  
 _I don’t want James to freak out on me if I say something, but I’m fuckin’ scared as shit!_  
  
 _Is this why he fainted?_  
  
 _Has he been doing this every fuckin’ night?!_  
  
 _For hours??_  
  
The ocean of thoughts are starting to get overwhelming and I could feel a lump beginning to form in my throat, and soon tears start to drip down my face.  
  
 _Am I seriously crying right now? My god, DJ, get a grip!_  
  
I’m trying not to make noise because I’m fuckin’ embarrassed right now, and I don’t want anyone to know that I’m crying... at the same time, I know there’s no way I’m gonna be able to sleep if I don’t talk to someone.  
  
Fuck! I can’t take it any-more! I can’t hold this in any longer. It’s eating at me and I need to get it out.  
  
I need to get Nikki. He’ll probably kill me for waking him up, but I’m taking the risk.  
  
I wipe off my pathetic tears, take a breath, uncross my legs, and get off my bed. I try not to pay attention to the faint sounds of James’ heavy breathing down the hall, as I walk towards Nikki’s room. I get to the door, and slowly push it open a crack, hesitant.  
  
I hear a groan coming from Nikki. He must have heard me open the door.  
  
 _Shit._  
  
My heart begins to race again, and I’m about to run away, but to my relief, Nikki walks up to the door with a confused look on his face.  
  
“DJ? You okay?”  
  
I just stand there, quiet, in the crack of the door. I could feel the tears about to pour out again, as I nod my head slowly.  
  
I know if I try to say anything, my voice will crack so I don’t. Nikki must notice, because he opens the door wide and puts an arm out to me.  
  
“Come in... Let’s talk.”  
  
I walk in slowly, with my head down, trying to hide the fact that I feel so emotionally wrecked right now. When the lights turn on, I squeeze my eyes shut and a feel a single tear drip down my face. All I want to do is smack myself right now. I’m so embarrassed. I feel an arm around my shoulder, and see Nikki’s concerned face.  
  
“What’s goin’ on?  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
“If something was going on with James, you think he would tell us... right?”  
  
“I... would hope he would. Why? Do you think somethings wrong?”  
  
I breathe deeply, close my eyes and shake my head trying to brush the thought away.  
  
“I don’t know... I’m probably overthinking it...”  
  
Nikki looks at me, confused, brows furrowed.  
  
“You know... a lot of times people say that your intuition is bullshit, but personally I believe in following your gut. A lot of times when you have a gut instinct about something, it’s actually right.”  
  
That’s when I felt my stomach drop and my soul felt crushed, because he’s right. I just keep trying to push the reality away because if my gut is right, what’s going on is scary to think about.  
  
“Ugh... God. Fuck!”  
  
I cover my face with my hands and pull my hair.  
  
“I keep trying to tell myself I’m making a big deal out of nothing but god... I.... my gut is telling me something else... and... I don’t like it...”  
  
Nikki looks at me intensely, but puts his arm around my shoulders to provide comfort.  
  
“What’s your gut telling you, DJ?”  
  
I pause, and slowly uncover my face.  
  
“N.... never mind.”  
  
I’m about to leave the room because I’m entering uncomfortable territory if I have to think about the situation any-more, but Nikki jumps up and grabs my arm.  
  
“Hey, Hey, Hey.... “  
  
Soon enough, I can feel those pesky tears beginning to build up in my eyes once again and it makes me want to run away even more.  
  
The only thing that stops me is the loud crash I hear from the distance. Immediately after, I can hear a sharp “Fuck!” from James.  
  
That’s when the tears all come crashing down because you can’t run from reality if reality is smacking you right in the Fuckin’ face.  
  
I immediately crumble down to the floor and it takes all of my power to not run out the door to see what the hell just happened. Instead, I curl myself into a ball, as Nikki lowers himself beside me.  
  
“What’s going on in your head right now? It’s gonna feel better if you let it out.”  
  
All that comes out of my mouth is a pathetic whimper, and then about a thousand “fucks” under my breath. Soon, everything just pours out without my control.  
  
“He’s not okay. He’s not fuckin’ okay. None of this is okay. I don’t know what the hell hes doing or why he’s doing it but he’s not okay and I don’t know WHY—-“  
  
I feel Nikki’s hand rub across my back in a soothing pattern. He’s trying to get me to breathe and I try to slow down but I can’t.  
  
“DJ... Focus on my voice... Try to get it all out now and then you’ll be able to form your thoughts better...”  
  
I use my shaking hands to grip the carpet, and bite my lip, in attempt to stop the crying. I squeeze my eyes shut, and after a few moments of silence, I try to speak again. I grit my teeth and clench my jaw.  
  
I take a deep breath and stare wide eyed at Nikki.  
  
“You know what he’s doing right now? It’s 3:30 in the _goddamn_ morning... and... “ I feel my lip quivering and I squeeze my eyes shut again. “He’s doing fuckin’... _burpees!_ ”  
  
I have to spit that last word out because the pain of the reality is hitting me the more I say it and the more I acknowledge how fucked up this whole thing is. I let my tears run freely as I keep going.  
  
“He’s fucking exercising as we speak... I could _swear_ —-“  
  
Nikki stops me.  
  
“It’s James. You know he doesn’t sleep and he does crazy things sometimes—-“  
  
I immediately cut him off, my arms flailing in the air, because I feel desperate.  
  
“NO, this isn’t the same thing!”  
  
I dart my eyes around the room frantically, because there’s so much more to it than that, but I’m too fuckin’ scared to say it. I’m too fuckin’ scared because _this reality is fuckin’ terrifying._  
  
“It’s not just that....”. I gulp, “I found... “ I close my eyes and want to scream, but instead just choke the rest out in one breath. “ _... I found a shit ton of diet pills and laxatives and a bunch of fuckin’ crap like that in his bag when I was looking for toothpaste and I thought I was goin’ fuckin’ nuts because what the hell is all of that shit for?!?!?!?!_ ”  
  
Now there was no point in trying to hold my tears back or control them, because I’m having a complete breakdown right now. I don’t know if I want to laugh, cry, or scream more.  
  
Nikki looks like he’s trying to take in all the information I just told him. I can’t read his expression, but I feel like the gears in his head are turning.  
  
Me, on the other hand... I’m just feeling embarrassed now because of how badly I’m reacting to this whole thing... Nikki probably thinks I’m being overly dramatic, especially since I’m crying my eyes out like a pussy right now.  
  
“Maybe I’m just overreacting... or... I don’t fuckin’ know! I don’t know!”  
  
He must sense that I’m still panicky, because before I could say another word, my head is gently lifted up to face him.  
  
“Hold up.... Take a breath, DJ.” Nikki’s voice is unbelievably soothing, and you wouldn’t expect that from someone like him. He would be a good meditation guide. “You said you found... laxatives in his bag?”  
  
I nod my head and look at him with wide eyes.  
  
“Do you remember what kind?”  
  
 _Of course I do, but I don’t want to fuckin’ remember._  
  
Just thinking about the specifics is making my heart rate speed up and I feel my body getting tenser. I exhale and shrug my shoulders.  
  
“There was this.... açaí berry cleanse thing... and... green tea fat burner...”. My head is spinning trying to make sense of everything. “This lemon flavored magnesium citrate... I think there were even caffeine capsules or something... I... I don’t remember what else...”  
  
I’m embarrassed by how much I stuttered through that whole thing, and I’m tempted to look away and just end this conversation.  
  
There’s nothing but pure silence for the next few seconds, and I’m just about to jump out of my skin.  
  
Nikki gives me an intense stare and squeezes my wrists. His voice is low and steady.  
  
“You know those can be dangerous, right?”  
  
I can tell Nikki is trying to mask his fear, but I can tell that what I just told him really freaked him out.  
  
I shrug my shoulders again and feel myself cringing.  
  
“I... I mean... they can’t be _good_...”  
  
“Those pills can fuck up your heart _really_ bad. Too much caffeine at once can speed up your heart rate and cause palpitations.... even irregular heartbeats.... Cleanses and laxatives can dehydrate you, and that can be super dangerous in itself.... “  
  
I don’t want to hear any-more. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears _again_. Because....  
  
“Is that why he fainted?”  
  
I could feel my lip quivering, as Nikki looks at me.  
  
“What?”  
  
I keep my head down, and repeat the words again, this time with a sense of urgency.  
  
“Is that why he fainted?! Because of this shit that’s fucking up his body?!”  
  
I don’t want to face the truth, and the more I say it out loud, the more it hurts and the more I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.  
  
“And he’s obviously not eating... Or sleeping.... and now... _this_...”  
  
I can’t wrap my head around all of this.  
  
“I... I just thought he was being James... You know.... Productive maniac... not taking care of himself because he just _forgot_ to... But.... _fuck_.”  
  
I’m staring at Nikki. My eyes are bugging out of my sockets because I keep making more connections and I _don’t like what I’m realizing_.  
  
“This isn’t him “forgetting” anymore! This is.... _intentional_...”  
  
I keep on rambling because I don’t know what else to do. I’m remembering things that I tried to push away because I didn’t want to think about them... I didn’t want to believe that something was wrong.  
  
“God... Nik... When he fainted that night...” I pause, squeeze my eyes shut and take a breath. “He looked so... sick. Like... I’ve never seen him like that before, man. Fuckin’ _white_. Translucent...”  
  
Nikki’s voice interrupts my thoughts.  
  
“I think whatever is going on in his head is getting manifested in a different way... He’s using food or... lack of, to control something.”  
  
I’m biting my lip so hard at this point that I think it’ll start bleeding soon. Nikki continues.  
  
“I know what it’s like to have so much noise in your head... Intrusive, horrible, disgusting thoughts. Festering emotions... God... it feels like _hell_... Anyone would want to quiet that down... I know I did.”  
  
He looks at me.  
  
“You know my history... You know my story. We wrote music on it, for God’s sake.” He cracks a quick smile, looks down, and takes a breath. “Depression... mental illness.... addiction... God, they’re fuckin’ _parasites._ ”  
  
The more he speaks, the more eerie the whole situation is becoming. I keep getting chills throughout my body.  
  
“The laxatives... The cleanses... The obsessive exercise... Not eating... He’s using it as some sort of coping mechanism.” There is a long pause, until Nikki states the obvious that I wish wasn’t so obvious.  
  
“He has a problem, DJ.”  
  
I feel like i just got stabbed with a dagger right into my heart. It’s not like I didn’t know he had a problem, but just hearing it said out loud just makes it _r e a l_. I can’t push it away any-more. It’s out in the open now. It’s revealed. It’s a fact, and I don’t like that because that means I can’t run away from it.  
  
 _That’s all I want to fuckin’ do right now._  
  
I wish this wasn’t real.  
  
It’s not fair that this is real.  
  
It shouldn’t be real.  
  
My head is spinning with so many thoughts, and I can’t help but blurt them out.  
  
“How much damage did he do to his body already? How long has he been taking the stuff?! The fuckin’ pills and shit?!”  
  
Nikki puts a hand on my shoulder and sighs.  
  
“I... I don’t know. He could have been buying them since the start of the tour, or maybe it was a recent thing... He could have been hiding them real well the whole time and we didn’t know....”  
  
Nikki’s voice is becoming a blur and I’m not sure if I even heard everything he said because, suddenly, I remember why I came to talk to him in the first place and I could feel my face going white.  
  
I could feel myself disconnecting from reality. My sight is blurring and so is my hearing, but my heart is beating right out of my chest.  
  
I feel fuckin’ _sick_.  
  
 _“DJ...?”_  
  
Nikki’s voice sounds so far away.  
  
 _“Hey... DJ... Are you with me?”_  
  
The only thing that ends up snapping me out of the daze is a disturbing vision of James exercising down the hall...  
  
... and then... something _bad_ happening.  
  
I gulp loudly and stare wide eyed at Nikki.  
  
“He’s.... he’s probably still exercising out there... and... oh _god_...”  
  
“Somethings gonna happen to him. He’s taking this shit AND he’s overworking his body... and he’s performing every goddamn night like this.... FUCK!”  
  
I have such a strong urge to punch something right now, so I punch Nikki’s mattress.  
  
“What the.... _fuck_ is he doing.....”  
  
My whole body is clenching. I’m so upset that I’m angry. And I’m so angry that I’m close to tears _again_.  
  
“WHY THE FUCK IS HE DOING THIS SHIT?!”  
  
I’m about to throw another punch, but Nikki grabs a hold of my arm before I can. He secures me in a tight, grounding embrace, and it makes me feel safe. I’m done fighting and I let myself lean my head on his shoulder. The second I do, I surrender and let the tears flow....  
  
 _Jesus... I owe Nikki a shit ton for soaking up his shirt at 3 in the fuckin’ morning..._  
  
As I’m silently crying, Nikki rubs my back and speaks in a calming voice.  
  
“I know how scary this is for you, DJ. It’s freaking me out too... I’ve been through my own shit, and I know how these kinds of things end... Listen, we’ll find a way to confront him. I’ll talk to him...”  
  
He probably said a lot more that I didn’t completely comprehend, but what he did say eased my anxiety a little bit.  
  
After soaking Nikki with my tears for a good 10 minutes, he loosens his grip on me, and looks at me with an almost fatherly glow in his eyes.  
  
“Do you think you’re okay to sleep?”  
  
I breathe in slowly, look around the room, and exhale with my eyes closed.  
  
 _Be brave DJ... It’s okay..._  
  
I hesitantly nod my head.  
  
“I... I think so... yeah.”  
  
Nikki puts a hand on my shoulder one last time.  
  
“If you need anything, you know I always got your back. You gotta let your feelings out. It’s better than keeping them all locked up inside...”. He smiles at me. “We’ll take care of this... I have hope.”  
  
I give him a look of gratitude... There’s not many people out in this fucked up world who are as down to earth and genuine as Nikki.  
  
“Thanks, man.”  
  
He ruffles my hair and pats my back like I’m his little brother.  
  
“Now, get some rest... We still gotta perform tomorrow night.”  
  
* * *  
  
The second that I leave Nikki’s bedroom, I get a chill up my whole body. All of the lights are off. James must have finished his workout...  
  
I suddenly feel this sense of urgency... Like a “motherly” instinct, to check if he is okay. I feel like if I go to sleep without checking, something might happen... or I just won’t be able to sleep in the first place because of how high my nerves are.  
  
Part of me is cringing and almost slightly embarrassed that I’m doing this, but the other side of me feels like it’s the right thing to do in this situation. I just care too fuckin’ much to risk anything.  
  
I just want my friend to be okay.  
  
I take a deep breath as I walk quietly down the hallway, and stop once I hit James’ room. The door is open half way, and the lights are off. I peek my head in, hesitantly, only to find the unmade bed empty.  
  
I feel my body tense up, but then realize that he might have fallen asleep in the other room where he was exercising.  
  
 _The thought of him working out along with all of the other shit he’s doing to himself still makes me feel sick to my stomach..._  
  
I make my way to the living room, and the second I get there, I notice a tiny bit of light in the far right corner, coming from the lamp on the coffee table.  
  
I walk over to it as quietly as I can, and that’s when I see James curled up on the black leather couch.  
  
My first instinct is to run over to him and shake him to make sure he’s alive, but I hold back my impulses. It feels like _hell._ Instead, I find myself frozen in place, just staring at him... He looks so peaceful in his sleep, despite the hell he’s putting himself through.  
  
He’s only wearing his white tank top and black lounge pants. No hoodie... no blankets...  
  
 _How is he not freezing?_  
  
The longer I look at him, the more crushed I feel.  
  
The lamp in the corner is exaggerating every detail of James’ features, and I can feel my heart sink.  
  
Without anything covering him, I can see how fuckin’ _thin_ he’s gotten. His arms are like rails, and the muscle definition that he does have is extremely defined because there’s close to no fat on him. I could see his ribs through his shirt, and his face... _fuck_... it’s so pale. Maybe it’s from the lighting, but I feel like all of his color is gone.  
  
I look away for a second, because I feel like I might cry, but then I remember why I came here in the first place.  
  
I wipe my eye, and turn around, this time kneeling down in front of him. I feel like such a creep, but my heart is telling me I need to do this.  
  
I close my eyes, breathe, open them, and start to count his breaths.  
  
I feel instant relief, just knowing that he’s _alive_.  
  
As I’m doing this, I’m realizing that I probably look like a doctor on some soap opera. Now I’m wondering... is this what nurses or technicians do in hospitals when they check on their patients? To make sure they’re breathing? To make sure they’re alive?  
  
I’m not comfortable leaving just yet, so I watch him for a few more minutes, just to make sure he keeps breathing like that. Just so I can go to bed knowing that he’s alive and okay... I won’t need to worry about him for the hours I won’t see him...  
  
 _Even though I’ll still be worrying anyway._  
  
I care too much not to.  
  
After a few minutes pass, I feel okay to leave, but even then it’s hard for me to get myself to walk away. It takes a lot for me to get up from the floor, and shut off the light... But I remember what Nikki said - we still need to perform, and I really should get some sleep.  
  
 _Emotions are exhausting._  
  
Walking down the hall to my room feels like an eternity. My legs feel like bricks dragging across the floor. When I finally do make it there, I sit on my bed, grab one of my overnight bags, and unzip one of the front pockets.  
  
I had forgotten up until recently that I kept so many old pictures in there, and it’s funny that the first one I see is with James... Back in 2008, when we were touring with Motley Crue on CrueFest. It was our first real touring experience, after “The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack” went big.  
  
I feel a little lump in my throat.  
  
 _Man... we look so happy._  
  
I look like a total dork... Big black beanie and a huge goofy smile. And James... badass in his aviator sunglasses, all those chunky necklaces and rings... and that pure, genuine smile.  
  
 _I just want that James back._  
  
I take a breath, and leave that picture next to my pillow, before shutting off my lamp and curling myself up in my bed once again... waiting to drift off into a, hopefully, peaceful sleep.  
  



	16. Are You With Me Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re doing this because we care about him, DJ. You gotta remember that.” He gives me pat. “You’ll be fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I ever posted two chapters back to back like this before, but I guess it makes sense since the last one I posted had been written for months... Anyway, here’s your update! 
> 
> TW: eating disorders, specific behaviors, emotion-heavy
> 
> As always, thank you for all of the support. I appreciate you so much and you guys really have no idea how much your positive responses to this story means to me. Thank you for letting me continue to be vulnerable and share the raw truth that so many people are scared to talk about. ❤️

_ The next morning: _

Nikki’s P.O.V.

DJ came into my room at three in the morning, a complete wreck.Understandably so... I was half asleep when he knocked on my door, and when I opened it, he was standing there almost in tears.I’ll be honest, I was shocked.I’ve never seen him cry before, so I knew that something was seriously wrong and I let him in so we could talk.

He told me he was worried about James, and that he saw James exercising before he came to talk to me, which is why he was upset in the first place.Then, he told me that he found laxatives and diet pills in James’ room.He was in tears and could hardly form a complete sentence.It was hard to witness, and also hard to hear this information.

I’m a very observant person.I’ve been keeping an eye on James, just because that’s what I do.I like to think of myself as a mentor to him and DJ.I’ve been through shit and hope that I could use my wisdom and experience to help and guide other people.It’s just part of who I am.Helping others fulfills me.

I’ve known James for a good amount of time now.He’s always been a workaholic, like me.He’s that person who will work for days on end and forget to eat, or drink, or sleep, just because he’s so obsessed with perfecting whatever task he has at hand.He’s definitely a perfectionist in the studio when he’s producing.It’s funny.I remember when he first started performing live, he would be upset with himself if his voice cracked on stage.Me and DJ had to tell him to “take his producer’s hat off” because performing is a whole different realm than being in the studio where you have so much control over every little thing.When you’re on stage, it’s spontaneous and sometimes chaotic.Anything could happen and you just have to go with the flow and be creative... 

The reason I’m bringing this up is because before DJ even brought anything up with me, I had already noticed certain things, like James hardly eating.I’ve noticed his weight loss, and for someone already as naturally thin as he is, it’s not hard to notice.I know when he’s in manic episodes, he could easily go nights without sleep and he eats less, so I’ll be the first to admit that I thought maybe it had something to do with that.So, I kept my eye out just to see if anything else seemed out of the blue.

As the weeks went on, more and more things kept popping up.I was a bit confused when DJ told me that James had gone for a run in the pouring rain that day.It seemed a little strange to me that he would willingly do that, so I did ask him about it, but I remembered how he played it off.At the time, I let it slide.He’s James.He does crazy things sometimes.We all do.

The only issue was that these things kept going on.I never saw him increase the amount that he ate, and I was pretty sure he still wasn’t getting enough sleep.In the back of my head, I knew that this couldn’t just be a manic episode.I know him, and he never had an episode that lasted more than two weeks. 

I grew increasingly concerned, but I didn’t say anything.I know a lot of you are wondering why, especially because I am a recovering addict, and if anyone would be the first to spot these signs and say something, wouldn’t it be me?

You’re absolutely right.I do see the signs, because I’ve been through an addiction myself.This was just more complicated than that because of the fact that James also has Bipolar.I already knew that the things he was doing seemed out of the blue, even for a manic episode, but I didn’t want to just jump right in and confront him.Part of me is saying I should have, but the other part of me is saying that what I did was justified.

I know addicts.I know the nature of addicts, how they see things, and I know how addicts react to things.I knew something was up, but I also knew that if I just went and said something, there would have been a load of defensiveness.Especially considering his Bipolar disorder, there was the possibility in the back of my head —- What if I confronted him, and it was just something that had to do with that, and nothing else?

Then, there was the fainting incident that one night after our show.That freaked me out, a lot, and I’m not usually someone who gets scared easily.At this point, there was an alarm going off in my head saying that something wasn’t right, which is why I was really set on making James rest for the remainder of that day, and trust me, that is not easy work to do.I saw his anxiety, and I could tell he wanted to run and crawl out of his skin. 

It was the moment that DJ revealed that James was taking laxatives, that I had the evidence.I had the facts to be able to conclude that this wasn’t his mania.This was something different, and something extremely serious.

I didn’t want to scare DJ more than he already was, but when he first told me what he found, I was terrified.It was shock at first, but then I felt the fear, because I know how dangerous those pills can be.If you take them for a prolonged period of time, the effects can be dangerous.Even more so when you combine it with an excess of caffeine and a deficient amount of nutrition, and that’s what really hit the nail on the head for me. 

The combination of the over exercising, the food restriction, overuse of caffeine, laxative abuse, and the fainting incident all connected to something that I never thought I would have to deal with firsthand all over again.

Another  addiction.

It’s an addiction, but it’s just manifested in a different way.When I made that connection, that’s when I knew that something had to be done, and we can’t wait any longer to say something now.

It doesn’t matter what kind of addiction someone has.They all lead to a dark, depressing, path of despair and hopelessness.They lead to sadness, emptiness, and self-destruction.You lose so much of your life, your passion, and even other relationships.

Sometimes you’ll even lose your life.

Most, but not all, will lead to death.

And I can say that this one, without a doubt, will lead to death.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

I thought that I would have slept better last night, after finally letting everything out that I’ve been holding in for so long, but I was so  _ wrong _ .

I actually slept so horribly.I don’t even know if I got a solid four hours, because I kept twisting and turning the whole night.I couldn’t get comfortable, and despite emotionally vomiting all over Nikki, my mind still decided to find other ways to torment me.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I had a fuckin’ nightmare.I think I subconsciously blocked a lot of it out, but the parts that I do remember are horrible enough... I’m happy that the rest is a blur.

I just remember jumping up from my bed, sweating and hyperventilating.I was probably crying too.

_ What a fucking shock, DJ... _

I feel like all I’ve been doing is crying, even though in reality it was just last night.I don’t cry often, so whenever I do, it takes so much out of me. 

Emotions are so damn powerful.

I feel like such a baby, though.I’m in my fuckin’ forties and I’m crying from a nightmare!I feel like I’m a child that’s trapped in an adult’s body, because I’m just feeling so scared and confused about everything.

I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I don’t know how to handle these kinds of things.

I’m so anxious thinking about how me and Nikki are gonna confront James.I don’t know when we’re doing it, how we’re approaching it, or what I’m even gonna say.I’ve never had to hold an intervention for anyone, and I don’t even know if this is considered one.Is this gonna be a formal planned thing, or are we just gonna be casual? 

My head is spinning just thinking about all of this.I feel so lost.This is a whole different world for me.Thank god I’ll have Nikki guiding me through.He knows his shit.He’ll know exactly what to do.

It’s not even the intervention itself that’s making me nervous.It’s more of handling the way James reacts to it.

What are we supposed to do if he freaks out on us?Will he try and run away?Will he hate us?Will there be this horrible tension between the three of us that will ruin the strong bond that we all share?

What if he gets defensive?I mean, he probably will, but what if he’s so much so that whatever Nikki tries to tell him goes in one ear and out the other?What if he just doesn’t want to hear any of it, and won’t take anything seriously?

Would it just be a waste of time to even try to intervene at all?

I feel like I have a tendency to second guess everything.Every time my intuition tries to tell me something, I push it away.Whenever my heart is trying to lead me to make a decision, I end up doing the opposite.

Why do I always do that shit?

Why can’t I ever trust my gut instincts and do what I feel is right?

I can’t just go and take the risk.

I’ll always try to run away or avoid the issue, because I hate thinking about it.I’ll start to overthink things because I get scared of all of the possible outcomes.

All of the uncertainty and unknowns kind of freak me out.When everything is up in the air like this, I have no idea what to expect.I don’t know what I’m supposed to prepare myself for, especially if something goes _ wrong_ .

All I know is that I just have to get through this one show before I have to worry about any of this.

I already know this is gonna feel like Hell.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this show.I feel like a mess.

The workout that I did last night wore me out so much that I actually fell asleep.I don’t remember the last time that happened.I fell asleep in the living area, on the couch, in the clothes I exercised in.When I woke up this morning, I was freezing cold because I didn’t get a blanket or wear anything over my shirt, and I’ve been trying to get myself to warm up for hours. 

Nothing has worked so far.

I’m still freezing.

I’m also fuckin’ exhausted.I know I pushed myself real hard last night, but my head was being extra harsh.The harsher it is up there, the harder the exercising has to be.The more intense the thoughts, the more intense the workout.

Not only did I feel like I was gonna collapse in the middle of it, but mentally my emotions were all over the fuckin’ place.I couldn’t think straight because of the demands that my head shot at me, but then all of the emotions that it brought up consumed me, and I became erratic.I was swimming in rage and anger whenever I felt like I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough, and I think I even threw something at one point.I know I definitely cursed out loud. 

It just... It wasn’t the best workout I’ve had. 

It makes sense why it drained me so much.The issue is that I feel so drained that I just don't want to do anything.

I’m just  _tired_.

Time to whip out the sunglasses and the caffeine.

_ Someone... pray for me. _

~ ~ ~ 

_ Two hours later: _

Nikki’s P.O.V:

Despite everything going on, we still managed to give a killer performance.The audience was great, and I felt so much emotion pouring out from all of our songs tonight.Music is so therapeutic.It’s like the family that I never actually had.

I let DJ know before the show that we would talk to James after.I know he usually showers as soon as we get back to the bus or our hotel room, so I figured it would be the perfect time to prepare for it when he was in there. 

I know DJ is nervous, and it’s expected.I don’t think he’s ever had to deal with something like this before, and he just doesn’t know how to handle it.I’ll try to guide him the best that I can, and I just try my best to provide comfort when he needs it.He’s always felt like my little brother.In fact, him and James are like brothers to me.I know we all tend to say that, but it’s true.The bond that we all formed by being in SIXX AM is so powerful and has had such an impact on all three of us individually.

I also know that James is probably going to be defensive.He’ll either deny the facts, or defend his behaviors.It’s what addicts do.They can’t help it.People who don’t understand addiction would just get angry and threaten them.They would scream at them asking why they won’t change.As a former addict, I know that it’s not that easy.That’s not how it works.You have to approach a situation like this with empathy and compassion.You can’t try to scare the addict into getting better.It won’t do anything.They’ll just have an even more intense reaction and they’re more likely to act defiantly towards you, almost spiteful in a way.I know I did that.When I felt threatened, I used to cover up with anger because it felt safer.I was stubborn, resistant, and defiant.I didn’t see any other ways of looking at things except my own, and that was that.I wasn’t open to anyone else’s perspectives, because that’s what an addict does. 

When you’re sucked in so deep, you can’t help it.You and your behaviors become one in the same and it’s hard to separate the two from each other.You become so consumed that you almost feel like it’s become part of your identity and you don’t know who you are without it.It’s sick and pretty fucked up, but that’s the truth.I’m not here to sugar coat things.I’m here to say things as they are, and if you don’t like it, then fuck off.

James is living in his own personal Hell, and I don’t know how sucked in he is, but I can only try to prevent things from getting worse.The reality is that an addict can only get better if they want to get better.It’s up to them, but we can still try to help.

The first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem.If James doesn’t see it yet, then hopefully this talk that the three of us have will help him.

We have to start somewhere.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

“I’ve... I’ve never done anything like this before...”. I look at Nikki, as I fidget nervously.“You know, held an intervention.”

“Don’t think of it as an intervention.”He cracks a small smile and pats my shoulder.“Think of it as the three of us having a talk.”

I feel my whole body tensing up, because it is definitely not  _‘just a talk.’_ I know Nikki is doing his best to try to calm my nerves about the whole thing, but it’s not doing much.

“So... like...”. I have so many fuckin’ questions swimming around in my head that feel like they’re about to pour out.“What do we do?Just talk to him?”

I feel like such an idiot.I know it’s not my fault since I’ve never been involved in something like this before, but I feel so lost.

Nikki nods.

“We’re just going to express our concerns about what we’ve noticed.You know, all the exercising... the weight loss... the laxatives...”

I cringe at the word  _laxatives_ , because it just brings up so many uncomfortable emotions and memories.

My stomach is starting to twist into knots as I feel my heart rate speed up.

“He’s gonna deny it!”

My eyes are bugging out because now all of those possibilities are shooting through my head, and  _fuck_ , I’m so anxious!

“He’s gonna fuckin’ deny it or get defensive!Then what the hell are we supposed to do?!”

I feel Nikki rubbing my back as he speaks in a soothing voice.

“You’re right, DJ...”. He takes a breath.“He probably will get defensive.That’s the nature of an addict.It’s what the addiction drives you to do —- protect it at all costs.”

I begin squeezing my hands into fists to try to ease some of my tension, but I’m failing miserably.

“What if he gets mad at us?”

I’m embarrassed because I’m pretty sure my voice cracked, and I can feel tears beginning to form in my eyes.I can’t fuckin’ help it... I’m scared that he’ll never forgive me for saying something.

Nikki can tell that I’m upset, and starts massaging my shoulder, as he speaks.

“He might get angry.He might react very intensely.He might even try to run away from us.”He looks down and sighs.“I know I reacted that way when people tried confronting me, back when I was an addict.”He cracks a quick smile and laughs to himself.

“What do we do, though?”

He looks back up at me, and I spit out more questions with a sense of  urgency .

“What?!Are we supposed to lock him in here?Do we hide his shit?!Wh—-“

I’m cut off by Nikki’s calm voice.I don’t understand how he’s not freaking out right now.

He shakes his head and smiles.

“No, no...”. He looks at me.“We’re gonna remain calm.We don’t want to be threatening or do anything that will provoke a negative reaction.We’re gonna be blunt and put the truth out there, but also be gentle and compassionate at the same time.”

My anxiety is rising higher the longer Nikki speaks.

I’m starting to have trouble comprehending everything that he’s saying.The thoughts in my head are getting me so riled up and I can’t focus.

_ “DJ?” _

I can’t even speak anymore.This is so overwhelming.I don’t want to do this.I don’t want to fuckin’ do this.We shouldn’t have to do this.

_ IT’S NOT FAIR! _

_ WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?! _

_ “DJ... Take a breath...” _

I can’t take a breath, Nikki!Do you see me right now?!

I can’t even look at you because it makes everything so goddamn  _real _.I don’t want this to be real.I want to disconnect.

Before I know it, I have my head in my hands and I’m squeezing my eyes shut.

“DJ——“

Suddenly, it all comes out.I can’t take it any-more!I just want to scream and run away.

“I don’t want to do this!We shouldn’t have to do this!I  _can’t_ fuckin’ do this—-“

“Shhh... Shhh...”. I can feel Nikki wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace.

“Why do we have to do this....”

My voice is muffled because I’m leaning my head on Nikki’s chest.I’m always embarrassed to admit how safe tight hugs like this make me feel, but I really do need this right now.

I’m trying to breathe, but it’s hard to when your heart is beating right out of your chest.

Everything seems so intensified right now.All of my senses are sharp and I’m hyper aware of every aspect of my being.

Nikki slowly lets go of me, but I keep my head down.I still don’t want to face this.It’s too hard. 

_ I hate it. _

“DJ...”. He turns my head to face him, when all I want to do is look away.“Listen to me...” He puts his hands on my shoulders and squeezes them.“You’re going to be okay... I know you’re freaking out.You’re anxious...”

_ Yeah... No fucking shit. _

“I’m gonna be right here with you.You don’t have to say much if you feel like you can’t.I’ll guide you through it... I’ll do the talking if it’ll make you feel better.”

I try to take in what he’s telling me, but I still can’t get myself to speak, so I stay silent.

“Let me talk and you provide support... Of course join in if you feel comfortable...”

There is a long pause, until Nikki lets go of my shoulders and squeezes my hands.

“You think you can do that, DJ?”

I finally nod my head and take a breath, letting out a long exhale.

“Yeah...” I breathe again, and close my eyes.“Let’s do it...”

Nikki smiles and squeezes my shoulder.

“We’re doing this because we care about him, DJ.You gotta remember that.”He gives me pat.“You’ll be fine.”

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

The very second that I walk out of the bathroom from my shower, I’m greeted by DJ and Nikki sitting on the black, leather couch. 

Nikki looks relaxed and calm, with his arm casually wrapped around DJ, who is the complete opposite.He is as stiff as a board and looks like he just saw a ghost.

They’re both looking at me, and for some reason, it’s making me anxious.I don’t know what to do, so I just stand there awkwardly.

“Uh...”. I crack a quick smile.“Hi.”

There’s a long period of silence that’s making me want to jump out of my skin.

I have this weird feeling in my gut that’s telling me I should run.

“James... We need to talk.”

_ Turns out I was right. _


	17. Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “James... You’re scaring the shit outta me.” He takes my hand and squeezes it, as he moves himself closer to me. “I don’t want you to be mad at us... I don’t want you to be mad at me...” He looks down and sighs. “I just want to know what I can do...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! 
> 
> I had writers block for a full week and finally broke it! A lot has gone on in a week which is why I took a lot longer to update... I had to put my cat down the other night (I’ve had her since I was 7 so it was devastating and extremely hard for me) so I’ve been really having a rough time... but I realized that emotions fuel my writing and it helped me break the writers block.!  
> TW (the usual): eating disorders, anxiety, lots of emotions ;) 
> 
> Hope you’re all okay. I’m always here. Thanks for all the support (as always). I love you guys ❤️

JAMES’ P.O.V:  
  
“James, come sit down...”  
  
_Sit down? Oh, hell no._  
  
_I can’t fuckin’ sit down!_  
  
There is this uncomfortable tension swimming around the room and I don’t know how to make it go away.  
  
I’m suddenly starting to feel anxious because I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but whatever it is... I don’t like it.  
  
I’m still standing frozen in the same spot because I can’t get myself to move. Nikki looks like he wants to coax me onto the couch, but there’s no way I’m sitting down. I can’t sit down. I never sit down...  
  
“We just wanna talk...”. Nikki slowly gets up from the couch, and puts his hand on my shoulder.  
  
I’m trying my best to not cringe or tense up, but I don’t think I’m doing a good job.  
  
I kind of want to jump out of my skin, because I don’t like the feeling of this.  
  
Nikki starts massaging my shoulder in a rhythmic pattern, as I feel my heart rate increasing.  
  
“James, you’re so tense. You gotta relax...” He leads me to the couch. “Come on... just sit with us...”  
  
I realize that I’m not gonna find a way out of this, so I reluctantly lower myself down right in between Nikki and DJ.  
  
_Nice job, you fuckin’ piece of shit. Now all of those contaminants that entered your body are just gonna stay stuck inside of you. They’re just gonna fester and you can’t do anything about it, so now you’re gonna have to do something about this later on, and it’s no body’s fuckin’ fault but YOURS —-_  
  
All I want to do right now is run, but I’m forcing myself to stay still, even though it feels like torture.  
  
There’s an uncomfortably long period of silence, until Nikki breaks the ice.  
  
“So...” He smiles, “How was your shower?”  
  
_Nice attempt at small talk, Nikki... I see what you’re trying to do...._  
  
_You’re trying to ease the tension, but I hate to break it to you.... It’s not fuckin’ working!_  
  
“Uh...” I turn to face him, and attempt to act as natural as I possibly can. “It was nice, actually...”  
  
I can feel myself tensing up, because it was _definitely_ not nice. In fact, it kind of felt like Hell. I can never fully focus on the actual shower any-more because I get too sucked into obsessing over what my body looks like instead. Then, the more I observe it, the faster those horrific feelings start bubbling to the surface, and soon enough all I want to do is rip my skin off and crawl my way out of my body —- I feel _trapped_.  
  
“Thanks for asking...”  
  
Suddenly, Nikki puts an arm out to me and rests it on my shoulder.  
  
“So... uh...”. He clears his throat and quickly continues. “Me and DJ just want to make sure you’re feeling okay...”  
  
_Oh... god._  
  
I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes right now.  
  
_Are you serious?_  
  
I give one of my best smiles and shake my head.  
  
“Of course I feel okay.” I take a breath. “What’s making you ask that?”  
  
_Wow... Gee, James, I wonder..._  
  
I can see DJ fidgeting on the other side of me, and I could swear the room is being filled up with his nervous energy.  
  
“Well... we’ve just noticed some things...”. Nikki pauses and looks at DJ. He then turns back to me and asks, “How are your moods? Are you feeling manic?”  
  
_Wait.... what?_  
  
_Manic? I’m not feeling manic, but I’m feeling fuckin’ anxious as all hell, and feel like I’m about to jump right out of my skin!_  
  
I shake my head and change my position, trying to get comfortable.  
  
“No... No...” I start rubbing my hand through my hair as I speak. “My moods have actually been pretty good lately.”  
  
_Okay... They definitely haven’t, but I haven’t had a depressive episode in so long now, so I consider that ‘good.’_  
  
Nikki looks like he’s trying to figure out what to say next, as if there’s a lot on his mind.  
  
“Are you sleeping okay?”  
  
_Oh my god... Are you serious? Is this a fuckin’ interrogation or something?_  
  
I can’t help but let out a light laugh at that one.  
  
“Nikki... Come on... We all know I’ve never had a normal sleep schedule...”  
  
I can’t even finish my thought before Nikki cuts in.  
  
“James, that isn’t good...”. He bites his lip and continues. “You’re overworking yourself, and you’re not getting enough rest.” He looks at me straight in the eyes with a concerned look. “You’re burning yourself out, and soon your body isn’t gonna take it much longer.”  
  
This whole thing is getting ridiculous. I’ve had this conversation with these two so many times over the years. Aren’t they used to this by now? How long have they known me? Seriously. _Come on!_  
  
I don’t even try to hold in my laugh at this point, because if this is what they wanted to talk to me about, they’re wasting their time.  
  
I shake my head and smile. “You guys can’t be serious...”  
  
I’m just about to lift myself up from sitting, to leave the room, but Nikki immediately stops me. I stare at him in disbelief.  
  
“Nikki?” I raise my eyebrows. “Seriously?!”  
  
He nods his head and takes a breath.  
  
“We just need to talk to you. We just care...”  
  
I’m trying so hard to not let out an exasperated groan, because that’s all I want to do right now.  
  
What the fuck is the point of this?  
  
This is useless!  
  
My hands are in the air as I sigh. “Dude, this isn’t anything new. If you brought me here to talk about my sleep habits...”. I pause, as I force a smile, when I really just want to punch something, “... I hate to say it’s probably just a waste of time...”  
  
_A huge waste of time..._  
  
_Don’t they know that they can’t make you do anything? You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. You have the power and control of your life. If you want to live the way you are, you’re allowed to!_  
  
_Plus, you’ve been handling life fine without sleeping! What the fuck is the big deal, anyway?!_  
  
Nikki’s voice breaks the waterfall of thoughts going through my head.  
  
“No, James. Look...” He lets out a sigh, squeezes my shoulder and looks at me. “We’re really worried about you.”  
  
_Ohhhh.... here we go..._  
  
I already know I’m gonna have to fight the urge to laugh... I can’t believe this is happening right now.  
  
I try my best to give a reassuring smile, as the bullshit that my head has been screaming at me pours out of my mouth.  
  
“Guys... we’ve been over this. I am _fine_. Look, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and I’m feeling a little worn out but there’s nothing to be freaked out about. I’ve done shows when I haven’t felt well. I can Han—-“  
  
I can’t even finish my _bullshit_ sentence, before Nikki suddenly cuts me off. He is giving me a look like a stern father, but also with a touch of heartfelt concern.  
  
“We’re not tip-toeing around this any-more, okay?” He pauses as he looks at DJ, who is curled up with his knees to his chest. I’ve never seen him look so anxious in my life, and I feel a jab of guilt.  
  
“DJ told me that he found laxatives in your suitcase.”  
  
The second those words came out of his mouth, I could swear I felt my heart skip a beat, and the color drain from my face.  
  
_No..._  
  
_No._  
  
_How the—-_  
  
_HOW?!?!_  
  
Then, it all hit me.  
  
_The toothpaste._  
  
_He asked me if I had any toothpaste._  
  
The world almost feels like it’s about to stop spinning, and I feel completely frozen in place.  
  
_Oh.... no...._  
  
“He also said that he saw you exercising in the middle of the night.”  
  
I can feel my blood running cold, and I suddenly have a surge of anger.  
  
_Who is he to go tattling on me like he’s my fuckin’ parent?_  
  
_Who gave him the right!_  
  
_WHAT THE FUCK, DJ?!_  
  
I’m starting to feel boxed in and all of these emotions are suffocating me.  
  
“So?!”  
  
I have such a strong urge to scream.  
  
_FUCK YOU!_  
  
_What’s it to you? I can do whatever I want in my life. I’m a fuckin’ adult and can make my own goddamn decisions! I don’t need someone watching me twenty four - seven —-_  
  
But I don’t.  
  
I hold back my impulses the best that I can.  
  
“So? It’s just exercise...”  
  
Nikki takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.  
  
“It’s not ‘just exercise’ when it’s done multiple times a day, even in the weirdest circumstances...”. He looks at me and then the window. “The rain? You went running in the rain that day?”  
  
I feel an uncomfortable sensation through my body, because I don’t want to be reminded of that day...  
  
That day was the beginning of some of the torture... that water retention...  
  
_If I hadn’t retained all of that goddamn water, I never would have felt so unsafe in my body, and I wouldn’t have ended up buying the laxatives and —-_  
  
My train of thought is interrupted by DJ. His voice is low and I can tell that he’s trying hard to not show his anxiety.  
  
“It’s not just the exercise, man.”  
  
He’s looking down at his knees, which are curled up into his chest, even tighter than they were before.  
  
“I hardly see you eat these days...”. He squeezes his eyes shut, and then slowly looks up at me as he re-opens them. “...and whenever I do, it’s either a protein bar or coffee.” He takes a deep breath, starts fidgeting around, and lets out a sharp exhale.  
  
“When you went out running that day...” He bites his lip and I could swear I see the beginning of a tear forming in the corner of his eye. “...I...” He closes his eyes again and spits out the rest. “... I saw your bare torso, and...” He shakes his head, as a single tear rolls down his face. “It really freaked me out... because you looked _sick_...”  
  
_Sick?_  
  
_How? How do I look sick?_  
  
“... I felt like I was just looking at _bones_.”  
  
_DJ?! Come on... There’s no way. There’s no way that you see this... I don’t get it—-_  
  
“And that was months ago...”. He pauses. “I don’t want to know what I would see now...”  
  
_DJ... Please... I’m okay! I’m fine! Please just STOP._  
  
“And then... you fuckin’ collapsed... Your blood sugar was so low.”  
  
He finally turns his head to face me completely, and I can really see how much this is upsetting him. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a jab of guilt.  
  
“James... You’re scaring the shit outta me.” He takes my hand and squeezes it, as he moves himself closer to me. “I don’t want you to be mad at us... I don’t want you to be mad at me...” He looks down and sighs. “I just want to know what I can do...”  
  
_Nothing! DJ, do nothing! There’s nothing for you to do! I don’t need any help. I am fine. There’s no need for this. Just STOP—-_  
  
“You can talk to us, James...”  
  
_I don’t need this talk right now. This is ridiculous! I can’t fuckin’ breathe, I feel boxed in and I don’t feel okay right now——_  
  
Soon, I can feel Nikki and DJ both rubbing soothing circles into my back, and I’ll be honest and say that it is calming me a bit.  
  
“You gotta let us know what’s going on so we can help you.”  
  
Part of me wants to give in... To surrender... To lean into the touch and admit that I’m vulnerable, but the other part of me can’t. I can’t because.... _they can’t take this from me._  
  
_I can’t live without this!_  
  
_They have no idea how much I need this!_  
  
Within seconds, I feel intense panic bubbling up inside of me, and hear my brain shouting at me.  
  
_DON’T YOU DARE SAY A WORD TO THEM!_  
  
_YOU CAN’T RISK THIS GETTING TAKEN FROM YOU!_  
  
_DON’T DO IT JAMES!_  
  
That rational side of my brain is trying to peek in. I could hear it in the background.  
  
_They’re just worried about you, James. They’re just expressing their concerns because they care about you..._  
  
_DJ is terrified that something’s gonna happen to you. He sees you as an older brother. He’s scared._  
  
I feel like I have the devil on one of my shoulders and an angel on the other. I don’t know which side to listen to. I don’t know what to do right now.  
  
I just want everything to _STOP_.  
  
I’m feeling even more tense than I was before because my head is so loud and I’m sitting here trying to pretend that nothing is going on right now.  
  
Absolutely _nothing_.  
  
There’s nothing going on. Nothing at all. There’s just a full intense dialogue going on in my head between my two selves! Everything is totally good!  
  
The longer it goes on, the harder it is to separate the two voices, because they’re starting to sound similar... It’s like the voices are morphing into each other, manipulating each other. I feel like I’m going crazy.  
  
They’re starting to blur together and I can’t even think straight any-more. It’s just noise up there at this point. I can’t even make out what my head is telling me.  
  
That is until one phrase sticks out to me.  
  
_Say something. Tell them._  
  
I could feel my eyes widening slightly, because I thought it was coming from my rational side, but the more I listen, the more devious it sounds...  
  
That’s when I decide that this might be worth paying attention to.  
  
_Wait, what?_  
  
If I could, I would lean in close to the voice to listen closely to what it’s telling me.  
  
_Just admit what you’ve been doing, and make up a stupid reason for why, but then just reassure them that you’ll try to take better care of yourself._  
  
I want to scream back so badly and just say —-  
  
_Why would I do that?! There’s nothing fucking wrong with me and they can’t take this from me! I can’t risk this shit!_  
  
I feel myself tensing up more, every minute that passes, and my anxiety is so high. Luckily, I have my manipulative side of my brain to calm me down.  
  
_No... Listen. You’re gonna tell them that you haven’t been eating much and that you did take laxatives, but then realized that they’re bad for you and you’re gonna stop taking them.... BUT here’s the catch. Listen._  
  
I listen intentively as if it was an actual person talking to me.  
  
_You’re gonna play this off and act as if you genuinely do believe that you need help. But that’s the catch: ACT like it. You’re so good at lying now. You know how to act genuine because you are genuine. Tell them they’re right, and that you’re gonna try... They won’t know a damn thing._  
  
I immediately snap back.  
  
_Are you kidding me? Nikki will see right through me! He’s been through his own fuckin’ addiction, and now that he knows what I’m actually doing, he’s not gonna believe me for a second!_  
  
The devil in my head glares at me, but then smirks.  
  
_Don’t worry about Nikki. He never confronted you about any of this until DJ talked to him. And, plus... If DJ hadn’t found the pills while looking for toothpaste, he wouldn’t have known about them. You’ve hidden things so well... Don’t worry about anyone seeing your body again. That’s what layers of clothes are for. You’ll be fine. We’ll figure out other ways to hide this. It won’t be hard. For now.... just play it off._  
  
“James?”  
  
My train of thought is interrupted by DJ’s gentle voice. He has his hand around my back, while giving me a wide eyed puppy dog stare.  
  
I take a huge breath in, close my eyes, and exhale slowly, as I uncurl my arms from my chest.  
  
“Okay....”. I look down, and gulp. “I did.”  
  
I feel a chill shoot down my spine as I speak, and I try my best to not let my voice shake. “I did hide all of those laxatives, and I have been taking them...”  
  
It doesn’t feel right admitting this, and I want to run away.  
  
This feels so _wrong_.  
  
Why the fuck am I saying this?!  
  
“And... I know how bad they are for you...”  
  
_No you don’t! They’re absolutely fine for you... but you’re putting on a good show right now..._  
  
_Keep going._  
  
I shake my head and let out a light laugh.  
  
“It’s stupid, really...” I look down. “I had this crazy idea in my head that I would feel more energized if I took the cleansing pills...”  
  
I can’t even imagine what is going on in Nikki and DJ’s heads right now. I’m not sure if I even _want_ to know.  
  
“... But it, Uh... turns out I was wrong.” I look up, shrug my shoulders, and awkwardly smile.  
  
DJ is just staring at me with such a sad look in his eyes. He looks like he wants to smack some sense into me, but he’s resisting really hard. His leg is bouncing up and down and he won’t stop fidgeting.  
  
Nikki, on the other hand, is still remaining calm, with his arm around my back, but his tone of voice is serious.  
  
“Those pills can be incredibly dangerous... especially when they’re taken for a prolonged period of time.” He looks at me. “How long have you been taking them?”  
  
_Oh god... I don’t even remember at this point._  
  
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t remember exactly... A few weeks?”  
  
_Yeah... okay..._  
  
“Maybe a little longer... I... I don’t know.”  
  
_You do so know, you little piece of shit._  
  
“But what I do know is that I’m not taking them again, that’s for sure!”  
  
I can swear I feel my stomach twisting and turning as I say that, but then I remember the goal of this whole thing:  
  
_Act as if._  
  
_Pretend._  
  
_You’re playing a really good game right now, and you’re winning._  
  
“I... I really hope so, James.”  
  
Nikki sighs. “Those pills probably dehydrated the shit out of you, which is why you collapsed...”. He clears his throat and continues. “... along with, you know... not eating.”  
  
“Yeah...”. I look down and take a breath. “I know I need to start taking better care of myself...” I sigh. “I just... I guess I just get caught up with everything else that I end up neglecting my own needs.”  
  
Nikki immediately cuts in and pats my shoulder. “Noooo... really?”  
  
It’s never a true conversation with Nikki unless there’s some good quality sarcasm.  
  
He looks at me. “I know that’s tough for you, James.” He starts rubbing my back again. “You know I’m a workaholic myself...” He smirks. “I used to be just like you. Over the years I’ve learned how to balance my life a lot better.”  
  
“I understand how hard it is to put yourself first, but you as a person are so important. You need to take care of yourself so you can put all of your energy into what fulfills you...”  
  
I’m feeling myself beginning to get really antsy. I don’t know how much longer I can sit here for.  
  
“We care about you, James, and we worry. We just want you to remember that you can tell us anything. We’re always here.”  
  
I take a breath and gulp.  
  
“I know...” I look down. “I’m... I’m sorry I haven’t been open...”. I sigh. “I promise I’m gonna try a lot harder to take care of myself... “ I pause and bite my lip, to try to stop myself from cringing. “Because... you guys are right.”  
  
_Yes! Good job, James! I know how hard that was to say but you’re doing such an awesome job right now... Look at how good you’re playing this off._  
  
That voice in my head sounds so fuckin’ devious, and I want to scream because it feels so wrong lying like this, but at the same time, I feel a sick sense of power right now.  
  
I feel this sense of accomplishment ... just knowing that I’m still in control of what I do with my life, and no one will be able to tell me anything else.... because I’m sweet talking my way through this whole thing.  
  
Holy shit. I didn’t realize that I was actually capable of this.  
  
_No one can stop you._  
  
_They never will._  
  
“I’m neglecting myself for the sake of what?” I shake my head. “It’s not worth it...”  
  
Nikki shakes his head in agreement. “It’s not, James. You’re worth more.” He squeezes me again, “You’re a piece of work but you’re worth it, you fucker!”  
  
I smile, and put my arms around both of them.  
  
“You guys really are the best, you know that?”  
  
“And James... I just want to say, I’m really proud of you for admitting all of this. I know how hard that must have been for you, but you do know, you can’t fix a problem if there isn’t one.” He winks. “The first step is to admit you have a problem, no matter what it is...”  
  
_I should have assumed that Nikki was gonna bring up the twelve steps..._  
  
“Yes... Yes, I know. Step one!”  
  
He gives me a look of pride.  
  
“You got it!” He yawns and raises his arms above his head to stretch. “I’m happy that we had this talk... Now, we should get some rest. We got our last show of this wing of the tour tomorrow night! We gotta make it a good one!”  
  
DJ smiles from the other side of me. He finally looks more relaxed, and he’s not curled up into a ball any-more.  
  
“Oh yeah! Wow, that went fast...”. He rubs his hands together in excitement. “I’m so pumped to go to Europe. It’s always so awesome there.” He looks at me. “You better use the next three weeks at home to rest.” His stare turns into a playful glare. “I mean it.”  
  
I smirk and ruffle his Mohawk.  
  
“You got it, buddy.”  
  
He gives me those wide puppy dog eyes again.  
  
“You promise?”  
  
I close my eyes and smile.  
  
“I promise.”  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
_2:00am_  
  
_‘Where ya gonna be tomorrow?_  
_How ya gonna face the sorrow?_  
_Where ya gonna be when you die?’_  
  
I can’t believe I cheated my way through that whole talk...  
  
_‘Look at yourself,_  
_Can you see where you are?_  
_Look at yourself_  
_Now you can’t hide the scars.’_  
  
Part of me feels relieved, that Nikki and DJ seemed to believe me...  
  
_‘Just look at yourself, cause there’s nowhere to go...’_  
  
That I must have played it off well enough for them to back off.  
  
_‘Tomorrow... We’re gonna have to live with the things you say...’_  
  
The other part of me feels like a real piece of shit.  
  
_‘Tomorrow... You’ll have to cross bridges that you burn today...’_  
  
I feel a lot of guilt and shame festering inside of me, because I’m realizing more and more each day how much I’m going against my moral values by doing this shit.  
  
_“Just look at yourself_  
_Do you like what you see?_  
_Look at yourself_  
_Is this how it should be?”_  
  
I’m lying constantly, and I’m manipulating other people. I feel on edge because I always have to tip toe around things to be able to hide stuff. It doesn’t feel good...  
  
It doesn’t feel good, but I still do it.  
  
_‘Are you terrified of sadness?_  
_Have you given into madness?_  
_You’re running out of places to hide...’_  
  
There’s the compelling urge to continue, even though it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right inside... My heart is telling me it’s wrong, but the other part of my brain is screaming at me to do it. The other part reminds me of what I get out of this——  
  
_James... Remember why you do this... That adrenaline rush that you get from all of this is what keeps your depressive episodes at bay... You know you wouldn’t be able to live without it. You know it very well. Don’t let anything block that truth from you._  
  
I need to admit that it’s true. It’s so true to the point that I already know that I wouldn’t be able to just stop out of nowhere either. It’s something I need so fuckin’ bad. It really does provide relief. It really does silence the mind, and it does keep everything feeling controlled and safe.  
  
_‘Cause everybody’s got a reason_  
_To justify how they’re feeling_  
_But maybe you should open your eyes...’_  
  
I can’t live with the noise up in my head. I can’t do it. I need this to be able to silence it and muffle it, so I can function. I don’t care how much it’s affecting me physically... I know it has some nasty consequences, and it’s even scaring some people, but they really don’t need to be scared. I don’t want them to be scared.  
  
I can handle this. I know I will be fine, and I will find a way to keep all of this at bay.  
  
_‘Tomorrow... We’re gonna have to live with the things you say...’_  
  
I’m actually staring at all of the laxatives in my suitcase right now, because I need to figure out how I’m gonna hide them again... I think I’m just gonna have to throw the remaining ones out, and I can buy new ones at home and figure out a plan from there.  
  
_‘Tomorrow... You’ll have to cross bridges that you burn today...’_  
  
I mean, it will only be one day without them, since after tomorrow’s show, we’re taking our three week break. I should be fine.  
  
_‘Tomorrow.... And everything you do, is coming back to you...’_  
  
Except.... There’s not much more of the magnesium citrate left, so I think I’ll just finish that right now...  
  
_“You’ll never outrun what waits for you tomorrow....”_  
  
As I lift up the bottle to gulp the remainder of the bubbly clear liquid, I can’t help but think to myself...  
  
_I’m going to Hell._


	18. Give Me A Love (That Won't Go And Kill Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only things I can focus on are the voices inside of my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... wowza. First of all, THANK YOU a bunch for all of your comments and favs and recs and support. Holy cow— 
> 
> Honestly I am SO insecure about my writing and my brain has been extra mean to me these days and I’ve debated whether or not I should stop writing and then I realized... NO WAY!! This is a passion of mine and this story is so important to me because the whole thing hits close to home and I just want others to understand the extent of these kinds of mental illnesses!!!! So again thank you a bunch! 
> 
> Second, as I’m planning the upcoming chapters ... I’m feeling vulnerable. Things are gonna get real intense as this goes on, I’m just warning y’all right now. I’m not here to sugar coat things , I’m head to put the truth out and this is what it is!! 
> 
> TW: eating disorders, anxiety, body dysmorphia/ feeling unsafe in your body, and other things associated with that 
> 
> The thought processes I write in this are REAL. It probably sounds nuts but this is the reality of what living with an eating disorder is like. It actually is Hell in your head. 
> 
> Okay enough rambling (I do this too much!) Hope you like it... (sorry for the chaos you’re about to read !)

Nikki’s P.O.V:  
  
Now that we’ve officially finished our first leg of the tour, and we have a three week break to recuperate, I have some time to reflect...  
  
I think the talk we had with James went well. I’ll be the first to admit that I think it could have gone a lot worse.  
  
I was surprised that James didn’t automatically have his defenses shoot up. Yes, at first he was when I brought up his sleeping habits, but I was almost expecting that since we have had that conversation with him multiple times. He didn’t fail to remind me of that, but I felt like it was a good way to ease into the confrontation. I didn’t want to just go right to the blunt stuff, because I knew that it would probably send off James’ defenses up in flames, so I tried to ease the tension a little bit.  
  
James was stiff as a board. I’m pretty sure he already knew that something was up, because he didn’t seem too sure about sitting with us. His gut instincts probably told him that this wasn’t a situation that he was going to want to be in, and I can’t imagine what the unhealthy part of his brain was screaming at him. I know whenever I had a feeling someone was trying to take my addiction from me, I felt threatened, and my fight mode came on strong. My brain would yell at me, and it would scream —- It would tell me to run the fuck away, because there was no way that I could survive if someone took my safety net away from me. I have a feeling the same was going on with James.  
  
I will say, I give the guy a lot of credit for sitting through the whole thing, and not running away, because I can almost guarantee that that’s what he was tempted to do. He did try to get up once or twice, but I kind of made it very clear that what we had to say was serious. Basically... His ass was gonna stay right on that cushion on the couch. He wasn’t gonna go any-where until we had this discussion.  
  
So, yes he did get a bit resistant, but it quickly faded away. This is the part that I’m the most shocked about.  
  
After me and DJ spoke about the things we’ve noticed, and how it made us both feel, James actually admitted his behaviors. I was surprised, just because I would have usually expected a lot of resistance and anger from someone who is struggling with an addictive behavior. I was very proud of him for being able to do that.  
  
He admitted he’s been taking the laxatives, and that he’s not taking care of himself. See, I knew this already but it’s never been this bad, so the fact that he acknowledged it himself is a good thing. He said he tends to neglect himself when so many other important things are on his mind, and I thought that it would help if I empathized, since I used to be like that myself. I’ve gotten a lot better. I thought that maybe if I shared that with him, he would feel a little less alone in his suffering.  
  
He seemed to be willing to try to change his behaviors, but I’m just gonna be blunt. That’s amazing that he said that, but you never know. I do have faith in James, and I know he’s strong and capable of changing, but I just know what the mind of an addict is like. I know even if you want to change, your brain will play games with you and try to manipulate you into old habits.  
  
I do believe he wants to change, but I’m still gonna keep a close eye on him. I ended the talk a bit early because of the fact that he easily acknowledged his behaviors, so I felt that at this time there wasn’t much more to say, especially since it was so late and we needed to rest up for our show the next day. However, if I notice more things that I’m not liking the feeling of, there will be another talk. I can promise you that.  
  
We all know we can’t change other people, but we can support them, and that’s what I’m always trying my best to do.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day one of hell:_  
  
JAMES’ P.O.V:  
  
 _2:00pm_  
  
I’ve only been back at home for an hour and I wish I wasn’t.  
  
I wish I wasn’t because now I’m alone, being forced to sit with all of my thoughts and emotions without distractions. At least when I was on tour, I had all of that structure to keep my mind busy. I always had to be somewhere, or I would be doing something.  
  
Now, I’m just here, all alone, and the only things I can focus on are the voices inside of my head.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _4:00pm:_  
  
I can’t stop thinking about that fuckin’ “intervention” that Nikki lured me into the other night.  
  
What was I even thinking when I admitted what I’ve been doing?! What made me act so stupid?!  
  
I’m beginning to freak myself out because now I have to figure out how the fuck I’m gonna hide everything from here on out! Because I listened to my _stupid_ brain and went and told them everything! Only a fucking idiot would do that! This is all my fucking fault now. There’s no goddamn way I’m gonna be able to get away with this! How the hell am I gonna keep up with this?!  
  
They’re gonna try to make me eat. It’s a no brainer! When they’re eating, they’ll stare me down and keep an eye on me to make sure I eat too.... and they know. They know I’m not eating as much as I need to, so when I do try to eat something that’s not their ideal amount, they’re gonna flip out and they’re not gonna leave me alone until I force more down my throat.  
  
I can’t fucking do that!  
  
Do you hear me?! I can’t do that!  
  
It is NOT happening!  
  
I feel like I’m gonna give myself an anxiety attack just thinking about this but I can’t help it! I can’t just pretend that this isn’t gonna happen! This fucking talk I had with Nikki and DJ just HAD to happen, and I would have to be extremely idiotic to think that they’re just gonna forget about everything we discussed. Of course I wish that they’ll just ignore my habits now, but that’s so unrealistic. They’re gonna do the complete opposite.  
  
If I thought they were up my ass before about me taking care of myself, I’m in for a real treat now...  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _11:00pm:_  
  
Oh god, I can’t take this. I don’t want to be home. I wish I was touring. I haven’t even gotten through a whole day yet and I’m this anxious! I’ve just obsessed the whole fuckin’ day...  
  
Can someone please teach me how to relax? Please?  
  
Can someone shut off my brain, forever?  
  
 _I hate always assuming the worst._  
  
 _I hate ruminating._  
  
 _I hate future tripping._  
  
 _I hate that my mind never shuts up!_  
  
 _I hate obsessing over dumb things!_  
  
 _I HATE numbers!_  
  
 _I hate the compulsions._  
  
 _I hate how loud my thoughts are._  
  
 _I hate how fast my mind races._  
  
 _I hate feeling trapped in my own head._  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day two of hell:_  
  
Here I am, again.... sitting with my fuckin’ thoughts. Second day home and I still don’t know what to do with myself, and that just makes everything going on in my head even worse.  
  
I’ll probably just end up exercising the thoughts away like I did yesterday. Yeah, the anxiety about everything bubbled up so bad that I couldn’t take it any-more, so I just worked out until I felt like I couldn’t stand up.  
  
Did it suck? Yeah, it felt like hell, but at least it got my mind to shut up.... for a little while. It took forever, like usual, and I had to push myself extra hard to get the same effect that it used to give me, but once it gave me what I needed, I was reminded yet again that it’s worth it in the end.  
  
You gotta go through the grotesque, yucky parts to get to the ‘yum’, if you know what I mean...  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day three of hell:_  
  
 _1:30pm_  
  
I’m in my room curled up in a ball in the corner, because I just got out of the shower and feel completely tormented.  
  
Who would have known that such a simple every day task would cause so much torture? I didn’t.  
  
It’s like... I can’t look at myself any-more without having some kind of fuckin’ breakdown. I can’t look in any reflections or else I’ll get sucked in and all of the obsessions start. We know, once they start they don’t fuckin’ stop.  
  
If I wrote a letter to my brain, it would say something along the lines of:  
  
Brain, please _... STOP OBSESSING!_  
  
 _Stop obsessing. Stop obsessing._  
  
 _S T O P OBSESSING!_  
  
You know why? Because that’s all it ever fuckin’ does and I’m so fed up with it!  
  
I hate this. I hate this feeling so much.  
  
I don’t understand why this happens, and why it happens so fuckin’ fast.  
  
I’m fine one minute, and then the next I’m automatically feeling completely trapped and unsafe in my own skin. All I want to do is rip it off of me and escape it.  
  
WHY?!  
  
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my head? Why is it doing this to me? Am I fuckin’ crazy? Am I delusional? Am I insane? Am I a fuckin’ mental case?!  
  
That’s what I feel like right now, but at the same time all of this feels so goddamn _real_.  
  
Is this because I’m anxious? Is this the way my emotions are getting manifested?! Is it? I don’t know! I don’t fuckin’ know any answers and I want them!  
  
I’ve felt like this before! It isn’t new to me. It’s just never been this bad. I feel like it’s been so much worse since I’ve been home and it’s freaking me out. It happened yesterday too. I was in the middle of working out and these same exact feelings bubbled up inside of me.  
  
I didn’t know what to do so I just pushed myself harder to try to get all of the emotions out of me but it didn’t do anything this time. It just made it worse.  
  
I couldn’t help myself and I started screaming. I stopped exercising abruptly, and without thinking, I started to throw things around my living room, just like I did that day on the tour bus in the bathroom. I thought that it would help get all of the intense emotions away, but it still didn’t. The longer it went on, the more tortured in the head I felt, and I didn’t know how to stop it.  
  
I kept screaming and started cursing. I think I scared shit out of my cat and I felt horrible about it but I couldn’t stop. I’ve never felt this tormented in my fuckin’ life and I’ve never had outbursts like this before either.  
  
Can I be honest? It’s starting to scare the fuck outta me... especially because it all had to do with my fuckin’ body.  
  
I don’t know how to explain it... The feeling of being trapped and suffocated in your own skin. It’s terrifying. I don’t think anyone would understand unless they’ve been through it themselves. It’s petrifying because your body isn’t something that you can just rip off! It’s your body! It’s the shell of your being and you’re connected to it all the goddamn time. You can’t just escape it! It’s actually impossible.  
  
That’s why I feel trapped!  
  
I have all of these scary feelings bubbling up inside of me and I can’t get them out, so they just start to fester in there, and the longer they stay inside, the more I want to jump out my skin and scream. The higher the urges get to rip my body off of me, and exercise, and empty myself out, and all of the shit that I do!  
  
Don’t you get it?!?!  
  
It’s the only goddamn way I feel somewhat relieved! I don’t know how else to explain it, even though I’ve explained it thousands of times already.  
  
This is why I’m so anxious that Nikki and DJ know about what I do now! They’re gonna try to stop me and they can’t do that! They can’t fuckin’ do that because I NEED this! I can’t survive! I can’t function. It helps me! It fuckin’ helps me even though they don’t see it! They’ll never see why! They won’t because they’re not inside of me. They’re not feeling the way I’m feeling right now!  
  
It’s the only way to make these tormenting feelings stop! I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone! I hope that DJ and Nikki never have to feel this tortured in their bodies like I am right now. It hurts to even think about someone else dealing with this. It’s because it’s so fuckin’ painful... It’s so painful just shaking in complete panic in the corner of my room because I’m trapped in my skin and can’t handle it. Okay, it’s horrible.  
  
It’s horrible and I hate this feeling and that’s why I have to fuckin’ do something about it... _RIGHT NOW_ —-  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day four of hell:_  
  
I couldn’t sleep at all last night. What a shock. My anxiety was so high and the obsessions were ridiculous. I couldn’t get my mind to shut up at all, no matter what I did to try to silence the noise.  
  
I don’t understand what the hell is wrong with me. When my thoughts are going in circles and my head is spinning so fast like that, I really start to feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to do to stop it. My anxiety has been so bad since I’ve been home and I haven’t left my fuckin’ house. That’s really pathetic, but I can’t even focus on anything right now because of all of the noise up in my head.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day five of hell:_  
  
I’m fuckin’ exhausted.  
  
I was up all night obsessively researching different kinds of laxatives because I still need to fuckin’ figure out how the hell I’m gonna get away with continuing to take them around DJ and Nikki. I didn’t know how else to ease my panic so I thought that was a productive way to distract myself... In a sick way, I think it worked.  
  
I found out that there’s a laxative powder that you can dissolve in water. It’s completely clear and has no taste so no one would know. If I bring a ton of water bottles on tour, I can prepare them with the powder and I’ll be all set.  
  
I also discovered that there’s laxatives that are meant to look and taste like chocolate. Yeah, I had no fuckin’ clue that there was such a thing, but apparently it’s real. Of course I’m not too fond of the idea of having to eat something that looks like something I’m terrified of, but if it does it’s job the way it’s supposed to, I’ll take it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, am I right? Plus, if it actually looks like a chocolate bar, Nikki and DJ wouldn’t suspect a damn thing. In fact, wouldn’t they be excited to see me eating ‘chocolate’?  
  
God... I’m _really_ fucked up.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day Sixx of hell:_  
  
I went to multiple pharmacies today to look for those special laxatives that I researched, and I found them! Thank god I didn’t have a repeat of that first time... I didn’t run into any fans and I didn’t have a complete mental breakdown in the middle of the aisle.  
  
God... that was so embarrassing. I don’t even want to think about that.  
  
On another note... I’m exhausted, and I also look like hell. When I went out today, I covered my face with concealer because even I was able to tell how bad my dark circles were, and I know if I saw someone with them I would be freaked out...  
  
My goal is to not scare people away, you feel?  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
 _Day seven (one week) of hell:_  
  
It’s actually just occurred to me now that I’ve spent this whole week doing absolutely _nothing_...  
  
Except, obsessing like a maniac, having mental breakdowns, experiencing emotional outbursts out of fuckin’ nowhere, and exercising more than I have in my entire life...  
  
No, seriously.  
  
My body has never felt so sore and dead tired in my life.  
  
I feel like I’m gonna collapse because my muscles are so strained, and my hair keeps falling out, and I’m pale as shit, and I look like shit, and everything just feels like absolute _ass_ —-  
  
And... I just keep doing what I’m doing anyway.  
  
I bought laxatives that are shaped like a chocolate bar, for Christ’s sake!  
  
 _God_... Who the _fuck_ am I any-more?  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
DJ’s P.O.V:  
  
We’ve been off of the road for a whole week, and I haven’t heard from James once.  
  
I really hope that it’s because he’s actually using this time to rest and take care of himself. He promised he would. I know he could have just said that to make me shut up, but I really hope that he meant it.  
  
Speaking of that, I can’t believe I actually made it through that whole confrontation, and I’m so relieved. It went better than I thought it would have.  
  
I was a nervous wreck. I didn’t think I would be able to get through that whole thing, but I did, even though I was curled up into a ball for most of it.  
  
I didn’t say much at first. I let Nikki lead the way because I don’t think I was even capable of forming a coherent thought, since my mind was going in circles. I tried to not show my anxiety but I don’t think I did a good job. Then I figured there was no point in trying to hide anything, so I just let myself be.  
  
Right in the moment when Nikki point blankly told James that I found laxatives in his suitcase, I wanted to scream. I felt a huge lump form in my throat and all I wanted to do was run and look away, but I forced myself to be brave and stay. I forced myself to stay because I knew that this was the right thing to do.  
  
I knew that I cared about James way too much to run away from reality.  
  
I hate to admit this, since we had the whole intervention and shit, but... I’m still worried about him.  
  
I know I can’t be his parent and constantly check up on him so why do I have this urge to? Why do I still feel like I need to make sure he’s okay even though he admitted that what he was doing wasn’t good and that he wants to try to change?  
  
Why?  
  
I’m second guessing everything again! This always fuckin’ happens and it drives me nuts! Why do I do this?!  
  
Am I crazy?  
  
Why don’t I trust my own instincts?  
  
You know what? Fuck it.  
  
I’m worried and I think I’m allowed to be. I’m calling him. I just wanna hear his voice. I know we’re gonna see each other tomorrow for an interview about our new album coming out, but I don’t care. I don’t want to wait.  
  
I miss that fucker and I care about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are just gonna get more intense from here.... (sorry not sorry)


	19. Girl With Golden Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe I’m doing this. There’s no part of me that ever thought I would end up succumbing to this... Sure, I’ve done some pretty questionable things that even I know are fucked up, but this?
> 
> This is on a whole different level...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty guys.... I've been putting off writing this chapter because I felt extra vulnerable (you'll end up seeing why as you read) but I know that it's important to the plot of this story and I needed to have it in here. I also had to separate myself emotionally as I was writing it because it hits so close to home for me (the whole story does but this chapter in particular because of the specific ED behaviors that are discussed...) 
> 
> TW: Eating Disorders, Distorted thoughts, Body Dysmorphia, Anxiety/Panic attacks, Purging (!!!!!)
> 
> I already said things will get intense but I wanna remind again.... 
> 
> Thank you so much for keeping up with this. It means the world and you help motivate me to continue writing this, knowing that people want to understand and that it's making a powerful impact. <3 <3 <3

JAMES’ P.O.V:

The vibration of my phone snaps me out of my daze of thoughts. I pick it up without checking who’s calling.

“Hello?”

“Hey!”

I automatically smile as I hear the voice on the other end.

“DJ! How’s it goin, dude?”

There’s a pause that’s longer than I expected it to be, until I hear him speak again.

“Not bad... Miss touring honestly, but I know it’s only two more weeks!” I can hear him laugh in the background. “I just wanted to check in with ya... Make sure you’re doin’ alright.”

“Oh... Yeah, I’m doin’ okay. I’m alright.”

_Yeah... I bet you’re so convincing..._

“I miss touring too, but like you said, it’s only two weeks. We’ll be back on the road again in no time!” I force a smile, as I sigh. “Just tryin’ to rest up, ya know? I told you I was going to.”

I feel a jab of guilt, because I’m forever being reminded of how much of a fucking liar I’ve become.

I can imagine DJ smiling on the other end. It makes me feel even worse, and I’m tensing up as I listen to him.

“You knew I was just about to ask. Don’t think I forgot about what we talked about, man.”

I gulp, silently, as I feel the nerves bubbling up inside of me.

_Nope... I didn’t forget._

_Ha ha... Nope._

_Never._

I shake my head.

“I didn’t think you forgot, you goof!”

“So, Uh... I was just thinkin’... Well me and Nikki were thinking... We have that interview tomorrow...”.

I feel my heart skip a beat because this is the second time that I’ve forgotten about an interview, and I don’t think I’ve felt more humiliated.

_Oh god... What the fuck is happening to me?_

I squeeze my eyes shut and let him continue.

“... And we were thinkin, hey, let’s spend some time together afterwards! We could order a pizza and chat and shit...”

I automatically feel my stomach churn.

_Pizza?_

_No, no, no.... He did not just say ‘pizza.’_

_Oh fuckin’ god._

“...And like, I know you’re probably thinkin’, ‘But you guys want me to rest, don’t you?!’ Yeah, obviously we do, but we want to spend time with you too! It doesn’t even have to be long. It could be like an hour and then we can go our separate ways, ya know?”

I can’t get myself to move right now, because I can already feel my head start to spin.

_They’re gonna make you eat pizza. You can’t eat pizza. Don’t you know how fuckin’ bad that is for you?! You’re gonna fill yourself up with contaminants and you’re gonna clog your body up, and who knows what the hell is gonna happen to you because of that?!_

I’m already getting sucked in and reality is becoming more and more distant.

_You could have a heart attack from the saturated fat, or spike up your blood pressure from all the goddamn sodium!_

_Do you wanna fuckin’ DIE?!_

“So... What do ya say? Are ya gonna chill with us or are you gonna be a hermit and isolate yourself?” He lets out a playful giggle. “Your choice buddy, but I would dig hangin’ with you.”

Knowing DJ, I bet be just winked at his phone. The thought of that is enough to ease my anxiety just a bit.

As much as I want to run away from this idea and say no, I know that I’m gonna have to get used to being around them again when we tour, especially with food involved.... Especially because they’re gonna be keeping an eye on me.

I close my eyes, and take a deep breath, despite my racing heart. I let out a long exhale, that I hope wasn’t loud enough for DJ to hear, and force my answer out.

It feels so.... _painful_.

“I.... Of course I’ll chill with you guys.”

My body feels so tense, and I just want to crumble to the ground and hide away.

“That would be nice.”

I hope I sound convincing. I really hope I sound convincing, because I definitely don’t feel excited about this at all. I’m not looking forward to this. No part of me feels good about this.

I just made a horrible ass decision and I’m gonna have to force my way through it.

DJ’s voice on the other end snaps me back to the present moment.

“Sweet!” He sounds so happy, and it’s making me feel even worse about myself than I did before. “I can’t wait... I’ll let Nikki know! He’ll be psyched!” There’s a short period of silence. “I know it’s only been a fuckin’ week, but I miss you already!”

I laugh to myself and smile, even though my stomach has been twisted into knots.

“I know buddy... I miss ya too.”

~ ~ ~

_The next day:_

I’m running out of face concealer because I’ve been using so much lately.

Nikki and DJ are under the impression that I’ve been resting on this time off, and that’s the farthest you can ever get from the truth, and without this makeup, it shows. I don’t think the circles under my eyes have been this bad before, and even I cringe when I look at my face.

I think I did a good job covering it up, because I haven’t had a suspicious comment from anyone yet —- DJ, Nikki, or our interviewer.

“I’m so happy you’ve been having fun on your tour! I’m also thrilled to hear that you will be releasing the second part of your double album in a month!”

I do my best to smile genuinely without it looking forced. I’m excited about our album release, but I’m also feeling anxious and tense.

It’s so hard sitting here for this because as I’m trying to focus on answering the questions, my mind is constantly reminding me about what I’m gonna be doing after this.

I try to make myself look as relaxed as I can. I lean back in my chair and stretch my arms above my head.

“We couldn’t be more excited. We all worked so hard to put them together, and I think this is some of the best music we’ve put out in our career so far...”

My thoughts are starting to feel invasive. I wish I could block out what my head is torturing me with, but I can’t.

I can’t take the image of pizza out of my head, and I feel like I’m about to start hyperventilating.

I take a sip of my coffee to try to snap myself back to the present moment.

_I may look relaxed right now, but only I know how fast my heart is racing, and how much nervous energy I have, and how much of an effort it’s taking to try to disconnect from all of this so I can appear normal to everyone here._

This is probably the only time in my life that I’ve ever wanted an interview to end so fast...

... but at the same time, I wish I could drag time out so I can avoid what’s to come.

~ ~ ~

_One hour later:_

I can’t take my eyes off of the greasy piece of pizza that is in front of me. I know it’s just a piece of food, but the more I stare at it, the more it feels like it’s haunting me.

My head is being filled with horrific thoughts. It’s spinning with numbers, and catastrophic scenarios related to those numbers.

It’s telling me every bad thing that will happen to me if I eat the thing.

_Every single one._

“I know you used to love pepperoni on your pizza, so I decided to order it for myself too!”

DJ is all smiles as he admires his slice. I don’t understand how he can be so carefree around food.

Nikki too. They both just seem so content. They both have this genuine sense of peace and serenity.

How do they do it?

How can they stay so calm while eating? How can they just eat and not think a damn thing about it?

They just do it, and sometimes I really wish I could too, but I just... _can’t._

Why can’t I?!

I just don’t get it!

I’m still staring at my piece, and I feel frozen. I don’t even see a slice of pizza any-more. I just see _numbers_.

_Numbers that my mind says are gonna kill me._

_Numbers that I’m convinced will send me into a full mental breakdown that I’ll never be able to come out of._

_Numbers that will turn my life into a chaotic mess of absolute torment._

I can’t fucking breathe. I can’t fucking move. All I can do is listen to the noise in my head. All I can do is repeat the tape over and over and over.

The tape of irrational distortions.

_The calories._

_The numbers._

_The grease._

It’s all taunting me. I want to run away from it. I don’t even want to be this close to it. The fact that I’m this close to something this _toxic_ is making me feel contaminated already, even though I didn’t even touch it.

Nikki and DJ have already started eating theirs, and I know it’s not gonna be long until they push me to eat mine. It’s obvious. Time is ticking and I’m still just sitting here, frozen, pretending I’m fine... Acting like I’m calm.

I’m anything but calm.

I’m panic stricken.

As I’m trying to block out the noise in my head so I can attempt to stay in the present, I notice one sentence stands out to me in the midst of the chaos.

_Just eat it._

I could feel my heart racing and I think it’s about to pop out of my chest.

_What?! Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! No way! How could you say that?!?! I can’t fucking eat that! I can’t —-_

I can feel myself starting to go into a silent panic attack. The voices around me are becoming blurred and all I can focus on is the noise in my head.

_James... Calm your fucking ass down and listen to me._

_You’re not gonna get out of this. You’re being watched like a hawk. You’re gonna have to take a few bites of it._

I want to scream! I want to throw a fit! I want to run away.

_I CAN’T FUCKING EAT THIS! I CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE TELLING ME TO DO THIS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!_

I’m starting to really question the manipulative, sick side of my brain, because it’s ideas are getting crazier and crazier...

It immediately snaps right back at me, and this time it sounds like a condescending drill sergeant.

_James! Cut the shit. You’re gonna fucking shove the damn pizza down your throat whether you like it or not, and then you’re gonna do something about it because there’s no fucking way you’re letting that stay in you._

This makes no goddamn sense! Why the fuck would I even eat it then?!

_Then why the fuck are you telling me to eat it if I’m gonna have to do something about it anyway?! What’s the fucking point?!_

If my brain was a person, I guarantee it would take duct tape and use it to tape my mouth shut right now.

_Because, you don’t have a fucking choice right now! If you just sit here and not touch it, they’re gonna end up force feeding you something a lot worse. Trust me, you don’t know the sick plans that everyone has up their sleeves. They just want to make you miserable and take away what matters to you. However, if you’re the one that takes initiative and eats it, they’ll stay off your back._

My nerves are so high right now that I’m starting to feel a little bit sick to my stomach, and the most fucked up part of this is that I didn’t even eat anything yet.

But.... that voice in my head is right. I know for a fact that if I don’t at least attempt to eat some of this, Nikki and DJ will definitely do something about it... and it will definitely be a lot worse than this.

I take a deep breath.

_Okay.... you’re right. Fuck! You’re right! God, I hate you for being right and making me do this but fuck you’re right. I’ll just fucking do it._

I can just imagine the sick devious smirk that’s spread across that little demon’s face.

_Psst... Don’t worry. You know you can always rip pieces off and hide them in your pocket when the two aren’t looking... But when they are looking, you’re taking bites. You’re smart. You’ll figure out what to do afterwards. Just get through this shit show now._

I take a deep breath, as I pick up the greasy piece of doughy madness that’s in front of me. I really want to fuckin’ scream, but I don’t. I’m still so hesitant, but I’m smiling any-way.

_Just do it, James._

I’m trying to convince myself to just get it done, because I’m just getting more anxious looking at it.

_If you do it now, it’ll be over with and you won’t have to think about it again..._

My heart is pounding out of my chest, as I force myself to take a bite.

A _normal_ bite.

A bite without playing with the crust or peeling the cheese off of it. A bite without tearing the thing apart and taking little nibbles of it.

No, none of that. This is a bite that a _normal_ person would take.

It all feels..... _wrong_.

My stomach is twisting and turning because it’s registering in my head that I just did that.

I took a bite of the fuckin’ pizza.

Oh... my god.

It’s hard to get myself to swallow, but I do, and I force a smile.

“You know... _Fuck!_ This is good.”

I feel sick to my stomach saying that I enjoyed that... I don’t remember the last time I admitted that I liked food. Food has become a thing I avoid and see so negatively that it feels wrong to say it’s good.

It feels... shameful. I feel disgusting.

I also feel a weird longing for what I’ve been missing out on, but that’s not taking away the fact that I’m feeling such intense anxiety right now.

I literally feel like I’m being contaminated and pumped up with waste. I feel dirty inside and I can’t do anything about it.

“See? Aren’t ya happy you decided to hang with us?”

DJ looks so genuinely ecstatic, and it just increases every time he sees me force a bite into my mouth.

He doesn’t know how _forced_ it is.

I’m cringing so hard, and I feel so tense, but I’m trying to put on a good front. I hope it’s working.

They’re seeing me eat like a normal person. This is what they’re expecting, since we had that “talk”. This is what they need to see to calm their nerves about me. Well, they better be happy because they’re getting exactly what they wanted, as I’m sitting here feeling tortured.

The panic within me is increasing with every bite I take, even though I’ve gotten away with hiding some pieces in my pocket or under my napkin, it’s still freaking me out.

I’m putting stuff in me that should never have gone in me in the first place. I shouldn’t have decided on this, but I did, and I’m living with it.

I could feel my body expanding. I can feel it stretching out, and blowing up. I don’t have to look to know it’s happening. I feel the sensations. It feels real.

I don’t even know if it’s real but it feels real and I have to just sit here with it happening.

I can feel a lump forming in my throat, as I’m forced to sit with this debilitating anxiety.

_But... At least I’m making DJ and Nikki happy.... right?_

~ ~ ~

_One hour later:_

I’m back at my house, and I’m relieved that I was able to leave soon after we finished eating.

However... I am _not_ okay right now.

I’m pacing around my living room because I am so fuckin’ anxious. I don’t even think anxious is the word that does this justice right now. I was anxious when I was eating the pizza. Now... it’s a whole new level of that feeling.

I can’t change what I did. I ate that and it’s inside of me now. It’s stuck inside of me and it’s festering in there. My stomach is churning and it’s making funny noises. I’m bloated and I feel disgusting.

I’m not used to eating this much. I’m not used to eating something like that. The grease is contaminating me, and it’s screwing my body’s functioning up. I don’t think my body knows how to digest this because of how toxic it is. I don’t think it remembers how to. It just knows how to process pure, clean, healthy shit. Not this.

What I ate shouldn’t even be considered food. It’s _poison_.

I’m so panic stricken that my stomach is hurting even more. It’s cramping up and I feel like it might spasm, and I know my anxiety isn’t helping with the digestion at all, but I can’t help it! I’m freaking out.

I’m freaking out because I have to do something about this. I need to fuckin’ compensate. I can’t sit here knowing I did what I did... It’s eating at me and I’m breaking down.

It doesn’t help that I feel so unsafe and trapped in my body right now either. I can still feel it getting contorted... It’s expanding and changing as I breathe. It’s fuckin’ morphing into something and I can’t do a goddamn thing about it.

I feel like I’m about to cry and I don’t fuckin’ cry! I do _not_ fuckin’ cry!

My head is going in circles, and the thoughts are repeating themselves. All of the catastrophic outcomes of the pizza in my stomach are haunting the shit out of me and I can’t make them go away.

I can’t stop it, no matter how much I’m trying to burn it off right now.

In the midst of my mental breakdown, I hear a distinct voice that cuts through the rest of my thoughts.

_“You know... If there’s a way to put it in, there’s always a way for it to come back up...”_

I freeze in my tracks, hoping I didn’t hear what I thought I heard.

_Wait... What?_

_You heard me loud and clear, James. Don’t play stupid._

The voice sounds so stealthy and smooth, yet so... wicked.

The longer that I just stand here and analyze my thoughts, the quicker I’m realizing what it all means... The second the reality hits me, a chill creeps up my spine.

I can feel my body go cold.

_Purging?! Are you fucking nuts?!_

I shake my head frantically trying to push the thought away.

_Do you want me to ruin my voice?! I can’t believe you would even suggest that—-_

I can’t even finish my thought before that little devil on my shoulder cuts me off.

_Oh, don’t you even start with excuses. There was a time when you smoked three packs of cigarettes a day and it didn’t do a goddamn thing to your voice! Stop playing games—-_

I immediately snap back.

_Look, I know I’ve done everything else you’ve told me, but this is a whole new level of crazy! No way. There’s no fuckin’ way._

I continue shaking my head with urgency to make the voice shut up, but it’s no luck. The dialogue between my two selves just continues.

_Well, what else are you gonna do huh? You’re not letting that pizza contaminate your body and fester inside of you!_

As much as I feel it happening, I can’t wrap my head around the idea of purging. I just can’t! There’s other ways to compensate! Even though I’m freaking out right now, I still know what I can do!

_You’re fuckin’ insane. I’m not purging! I’ll just exercise it off like I usually do!_

If that voice in my head was a person, it would be giving me the biggest condescending smirk... I should be wearing a dunce cap right now.

_You know very well that exercising isn’t gonna do a damn thing, you idiot! And those cleansing pills aren’t enough to get rid of all of that shit that’s inside of you right now. Do you even know how toxic that pizza is that you just ate?! Do you?!_

How could I possibly forget? I’m feeling more tortured in my body every minute that passes that I have to think about what that pizza is doing to me right now!

_Of course I do! I never would have touched that pile of grease in a million years, but you demanded that I do it! You’re the one that told me to eat it! This is your fuckin’ fault that I’m getting contaminated right now!_

Not only am I anxious, but I’m starting to get angry. I’m pissed at myself for giving in and listening to that voice. I’m fucking mad that I went there and ate the goddamn pizza! Why the fuck did I do that?!

The dialogue in my head continues.

_Oh, here we go! You’re trying to make me out to be the bad one again. You’re fuckin’ hysterical, James, you know that? You’re a piece of goddamn work. I think you forget why you listen to me in the first place! You know exactly why I told you to eat it. You know I had a good reason for it and I’ll remind you again. I told you a million times! You were gonna be force fed anyway! Now you just need to do something about it and you know that! Don’t fucking lie. You know that you’re panicking right now and you’re about to jump out of your skin! I fucking see you! I see you pacing around your room because you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown. Don’t fucking lie to me!_

I don’t know when I started pacing around again, but I definitely can’t get myself to stop. It’s the only goddamn way I could try to ease the panic I’m feeling right now.

_No shit! Of course I’m fucking panicking! How can you expect me to just sit here and pretend I didn’t just fill myself up with hazardous poison?! Huh?!_

I have such a strong urge to scream. Too many emotions are bubbling up inside of me right now. I’m about to explode. I can’t fuckin’ take this—-

_Exactly. You know you need to do something about it... now! How much longer are you gonna just let it fester inside of you?! You’re wasting so much time just standing around! You’re being an idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you?!_

I can’t even form a clear thought to shoot back because all of the horrific fears about the pizza are smacking me right in the face again.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I even ate it now, and I should have done something sooner about it, but I didn’t! I’ve just paced around the room letting my head freak me the hell out even more and send me into a breakdown. I could have taken action already!

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!

The voice cuts through once again. This time it almost sounds like a desperate plead.

_You’re so fuckin’ anxious that you feel nauseous already, so take advantage of doing this now when it’ll be easier!_

I can’t take this. I can’t fuckin’ take it any-more. All I hear is the noise and it won’t fuckin’ stop and it’s just gotten louder and louder and louder.

I just want it to _SHUT UP—_

I let out a distressed groan and throw my hands in the air.

_Okay, okay, okay! FINE—-_

I stop pacing abruptly, and instead make my way to my bathroom.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. There’s no part of me that ever thought I would end up succumbing to _this_... Sure, I’ve done some pretty questionable things that even I know are fucked up, but this?

This is on a whole different level...

_You know you’re going to feel so much better after. You’re freaking out right now, but you know that feeling of relief... You know that’s what you need._

_You want to feel empty._

It’s so powerful... That manipulative, devious, bastard voice is so fuckin’ powerful. It knows where to hit me, and it knows exactly how to get me to give in...

Every single time.

As I mentally prepare for the wrath I’m about to endure, I almost can feel a comforting sensation, as the voice in my head coos.

_It’s gonna be okay, James..._

I’m shaking with anxiety and anticipation as I kneel down to the floor.

_You’re gonna feel better..._

I stare at the white, porcelain throne, as I close my eyes and lift up the seat.

_Everything will be okay...._

It’s just me with my thoughts locked in here. I’m the only person who knows what I’m about to do right now...

_Everything will be alright..._

... and it just makes me feel dirtier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cue "Girl With Golden Eyes" from The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack (if you know what i mean ;) )


	20. The Devil's Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is that side of me so much stronger?
> 
> Why do I feel like I can’t make my own decisions any-more?
> 
> And, why do I feel like I’m beginning to lose myself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... just gonna put it out there... I've been putting off writing this chapter because of all of the feelings that it brought up for me. I just feel very vulnerable posting this, because it's pretty descriptive with certain behaviors, and a lot of society sees certain ED behaviors in a very negative, shameful, grotesque light. Purging happens to be one of those "yucky" behaviors, and in this point in the story, that's gonna be discussed quite a bit. It's part of the plot and I can't just avoid it. I'll be honest and say that I'm nervous about the reactions I'm gonna get from this, but I'm still continuing to write this because the whole point is to reveal the raw truth. I'm doing this so show what eating disorders are really like. I'm trying to push people farther away from the "glamorized" image that the media has sent around. I'm trying so hard to make it clear that there's nothing pretty about this illness, so I can say confidently that the story will get disturbing and hard to read at times, and also very hard for me to write at times.... 
> 
> If you read this whole thing, thank you so much. I really hope you guys will continue reading this, even as things do escalate and get more intense... As I always say, your support means the absolute world and I never would have expected the amount of positive feedback that I've gotten on this. It's because of you that I feel safe enough to be vulnerable and continue to share this. 
> 
> TW: DESCRIPTIVE ED BEHAVIORS.

DJ’s P.O.V:

I’m so happy that James decided to hang out with me and Nikki after the interview. I really thought that it was gonna be like pulling teeth to get him to chill and relax, because we all know that James doesn’t do either of those things. He actually agreed pretty easily and I just felt my whole heart fill up with joy.

I probably sound really pathetic, but I can be a pretty sappy guy at times. When I get close to people, and we form a bond as strong as the three of us have, our relationship means the world to me. I always say that I feel like I’m with family when I’m around those two, but it’s true. Nikki and James are like two older brothers that I’ve never had, and for me that’s so important. I didn’t have the best childhood growing up, so when I find people I feel completely safe around, and who I’m comfortable being open and vulnerable with, my heart clings to them. I’ve never had two people like them who have allowed me to expose my deepest emotions and experiences to before. A lot of times I get scared that I’ll lose relationships like this, but I know in my heart that the bond we all share is so genuine that it feels unbreakable.

I’m just that type of person who looks out for others and I just want to be there for them whenever I can. I just really wanted to see James even though we were seeing each other every single day for three months straight, it felt weird not seeing him. He’s one of my best friends, and I want to make sure he’s okay. So, I bit the bullet and asked him and he said yes, and man I’m so fuckin’ happy he did!

We had a great time!

The interview itself was pretty typical. It just revolved around how our first half of touring has been, and also our album release in a month. Same shit, different day. Of course I enjoyed it though. I always do. When you’re passionate about something, I don’t think it matters how much repetition there is at times... There’s always that spark of happiness and fulfillment in your heart that vibrates through your whole being.

Afterwards, we went back to my place and I ordered a pizza, obviously. I wanted it to feel like the good ol’ days, when we would work on our early albums on the floor eating pizza and shooting out crazy ideas. I wanted James to remember what relaxing felt like. I just wanted to have brotherly bonding time, ya know?

Can I just tell ya, when I saw James take the first bite of that pizza, I don’t think I’ve ever felt such an intense sense of relief wash over me. I need to be honest. I was nervous that he wasn’t gonna eat it. I know we had the whole talk and all, but I still had the fear in the back of my head that he wasn’t gonna do it, or he was gonna eat it in some weird way...

I had to force myself to not stare him down. I’m cringing thinking about how much I wanted to just watch him, and make sure he was gonna eat it, but I just need to say it. I care about him so goddamn much that I just wanted to see him take care of himself.

So, I am telling you, when I saw him bite the thing, my heart almost skipped a beat, because this wasn’t him taking a weird ass bite. He didn’t play around with the pizza, or tear it apart, or pull stuff off of it, or even cut it up. He didn’t do any of that! He just bit it like a normal person!

I don’t remember the last time I saw him eat normally like that, and that’s why I had such an intense feeling of relief. I was also fuckin’ excited, but I tried to not be obnoxious about it because that probably would have made James feel awkward and uncomfortable. I even noticed Nikki give a look of pride, so I’m pretty sure he was thinking something similar to me.

Just the fact that James touched the thing was enough to make me happy. Honestly if he didn’t finish it I wouldn’t have been upset, but he DID finish it! So, let’s just say I was in a really good mood the rest of the night.

He ended up leaving soon after, but I expected him to. Of course I wanted him to stay longer because he’s my fuckin’ buddy and I love him to death, but I’m just grateful and happy that he decided to hang in the first place.

I keep reminding myself that it’s not gonna be long before we tour again, so it’s not like we’re gonna be separated for an eternity. And plus, I can still text him or call him, but I also don’t want to annoy the crap outta him and make myself seem like a desperate, lost, puppy.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_Day nine of hell:_

I swore that I would never give into purging. I was so adamant. I was set on the fact that I would do anything else to compensate... anything but _THAT_.

I’m not gonna lie and say that the idea of it wasn’t ever in the back of my head at times, because it definitely was. It was hidden back there, but I would always push it away and engage in the other solutions. I clung to exercising and taking the laxatives. Those were the ways that I would ease the overwhelming anxiety that I felt if something didn’t go as planned, or if I was desperate for that feeling of relief... that “adrenaline rush.”

But purging.... That was never what I ran to. In fact, I would try to avoid it at all costs. Whenever I had the thought of it pop up in the back of my head, I always thought about what it would do to my voice, and how disgusting the action of it was.

However... For some reason, all of that changed the other night.

I forced myself to hang out with Nikki and DJ after our interview, and I forced myself to eat the pizza. My head was screaming at me to do it because I had no choice, and rationally I knew that was true. Since they are both aware of everything that I’ve been doing, thanks for my idiotic self, there was no way in Hell that they would have just ignored me if I decided to just sit there and not touch the food.

It would have been catastrophic.

So, I decided to suck it up and eat the thing. I did it even though it felt like absolute hell.

It was when I got home, that shit completely hit the fan.

It was in the very moment when the reality of what I had just done hit me, that my head really started going haywire.

I don’t think I’ve ever had such an intense battle in my head until that moment.

I had no choice but to sit with the panic bubbling up within me. I couldn’t stop pacing around my house and the tormenting feelings of being trapped and unsafe in my body didn’t help the case. My mind was spitting out distortions one after another, and I was getting sucked into the horrifying outcomes of what was going to happen to me because of what I did.

Somewhere in the middle of the panic attack I was having, I heard the little stealthy voice in the back of my head. I would have just pushed it away like I did in the past, but I couldn’t this time. I started to insist... I started resisting. I told myself there was no way I would succumb to what it was trying to get me to do, but it wasn’t enough. My head was loud and it was demanding.

After a while, it almost felt taunting, like it was mocking me for trying to go against it.

The battle I was having within myself was one of the most intense I’ve ever experienced and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to fight back, because the voice was stronger and overpowered any rationale that I spit back at it. It felt like I was screaming back at a person, but I wasn’t. This whole dialogue went on in my head and it felt like it went on for ages. My anxiety was just getting worse every minute that passed by.

The sick thing about that voice is that it’s so goddamn manipulative. It’s so manipulative and it knows exactly how to get you to give in to it, no matter what your values or morals are. Despite my efforts to quiet it down and shut it up, it still got me.

It hit me where it knew I would break down and cling to it. It said what it needed to say to get me to question myself and listen to it. It taunted me and haunted me with horrifying scenarios of what would happen if I didn’t do what it said, so I would run right back to it.

It did exactly what it had to do, and I couldn’t take it.

I gave in.

I gave in, and I was overwhelmed with intense feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. I felt dirty inside knowing that I was going to have to keep this insane secret... No one knew what was happening in that bathroom except me.

~ ~ ~

NIKKI’S P.O.V:

I was going through my old notes from when I was working on _‘The Heroin Diaries’_ earlier today and it just reminded me a lot of my own addiction journey. With everything that’s gone on with James, I just feel like I need to reflect a bit.

Addictions aren’t choices. Way too many people don’t understand and can’t grasp that fact, that we don’t choose these things. We don’t wake up one day and say ‘I’m gonna become an addict.’ That’s just not how it is.

When I saw James eat the pizza with me and DJ the other day, I felt a huge sense of pride for him, because I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. He put on a good front for us, but I bet he was having a huge battle in his head. He’s not used to taking care of himself, and he probably doesn’t think it’s important to. He might not see his worth the way that other people see it, so he doesn’t see a problem with neglecting himself. Since we had the talk, I think it knocked a bit of sense into him, but I still bet it was a hard decision for him to make.

I know that devious voice that goes on inside the head... The voice that tries to manipulate you into doing things that you don’t believe in, when you have your rational side trying to get you to listen to your soul. I know that very well. I have it too. That voice was extremely devilish when I was stuck in my addiction, and it would taunt the shit outta me until I gave into it.

I can’t imagine what that voice was telling James as he sat there and did the exact opposite of what his urges were. I give the guy a crap load of credit for getting through it so gracefully. He sat there like a champ and did it, even though he probably wanted to do the exact opposite.

I might sound like a hard ass right now, but I’m here to put the truth out here. I was prepared to confront James if he didn’t eat the pizza. You’re probably thinking, why? Why are you gonna be like that when you know he has problems with this?

You know why?

Do you know why I would have said something? Because, I care so much about him.

It hurts like hell to see someone you care about go through something like this, especially when I’ve been through something similar myself.

I’ve been through it and I know how it feels. I know how it feels and I also unfortunately know how these kinds of things end if no one intervenes. It gets me sick to my stomach thinking about the reality but it’s not something I can just push away. So many people don’t like facing the truth, but this is a truth that can’t be avoided.

That voice in his head was probably spitting out complete bullshit. It was probably giving ridiculous excuses to not do the right thing, and it tries to justify its reasons.

You know what else that voice does?

It _lies_.

Addictions _LIE_.

They lie to you, and they trick you. They tell you that everything will be okay if you give in, and that all of your worries will go away... They tell you that you’ll feel better.

It seems so comforting at first... until it doesn’t, because what they don’t tell you is how tortured, tormented, desperate, and helpless you will feel. They don’t tell you that you will end up completely powerless over your decisions, actions, behaviors... your _life._ They don’t tell you the cold, harsh, reality.

You live in a fantasy world; a dreamland, until reality smacks you in the face and you’re too late —- More than enough has been lost or destroyed and you can’t get that shit back...

If only you knew of the consequences when you started... But you didn’t, because it all seemed so sweet, so _innocent_. It was all fun and games until it wasn’t any-more. It becomes a never ending cycle of self-destructive, self-loathing _torture_.

But you wouldn’t have known that... because they only tell you what you _want_ to hear.

That’s what addictions do.

You’re manipulated, and you’re controlled... and if you don’t make that decision to break out of the chains that bind you, you will be trapped in the torture chamber until you _die_...

So _fuck_ the people who say that I should ignore shit like this... I would do anything to help someone going through this shit, even if that means going against what the goddamn addiction wants.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_Day twelve of hell:_

There’s this funny thing about purging... When you do it, it feels like absolute shit. You’re on your knees, hunched over a toilet bowl, literally forcing your body to do the complete opposite of what it’s meant to do. As you’re sitting there, regurgitating, you’re confusing your body as much as you’re confusing yourself.

The first time you do it, it’s hard and its exhausting. You have find a way to somehow stimulate your gag reflex, and it’s not comfortable. When you actually succeed, your throat starts to burn —- not only from the forced hacking to get the food up, but also from the stomach acid that is being brought up along with it. Your chest starts to burn and you’re left with a weird, disgusting, taste in your mouth. Since you’re pushing yourself so hard while trying to do something so unnatural, you’ll probably start to sweat and your heart rate speeds up. Your stomach starts to cramp up, and you feel like you just completed a really intense, vigorous abdominal workout.

When it’s all over, you stand up and your body feels depleted and exhausted. You look at yourself in the mirror and see bloodshot eyes and a flushed face. You feel like you drained all of your energy and have no desire to do anything else, but plop down to the ground and not get up.

You think to yourself, ‘Man... This was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. Only a real idiot would ever do something like this again.’

_But..._

I have done it, again. I’ve done it way more times than I’d like to admit.

You’re probably wondering, _why?_ Why the hell would I do that again, when I fuckin’ swore that I would never do it in the first place? Why the hell am I continuing to do this shit?

Its pretty simple, actually.

While I was purging, I felt like hell. Everything hurt and I wanted it to end so bad. I was questioning why the fuck I was doing it and I felt so ashamed. I felt dirty, and guilty, and just horrible. I almost wanted to hide in the corner of my room and just stay there, because I didn’t want to think about what I just did.

I was exhausted at first. I just stared at myself in the mirror. I stared at my bloodshot eyes, and I just felt drained.

It was not too long after that, when I suddenly felt that familiar sense of emptiness. Feeling empty brought relief, and once I felt that relief, this weird invinsible surge of energy shot through my body.

That’s when I felt _it_.

I felt that same adrenaline rush. I felt that same powerful “high” that the other behaviors I engage in give me.

It’s sick how powerful that “high” is. That feeling is so powerful that it will drive me to go to such intense lengths to achieve it. I had felt this same way when I took the laxatives for the first time. I felt like hell, like my insides were being torn apart, but it provided me with the positive euphoric feelings after the fact. The same went for exercising. No matter how much it hurt while I was doing it, I knew that it would always pay off in the end.

So far, I’ve been right every single time. It’s almost become predictable. I prepare myself for the torture I’m gonna feel while engaging, but I always know that I’m gonna feel okay when it’s over.

The fact that I know I’ll get exactly what I need is what compels me to continuously give in and engage in such horrible, questionable things.

~ ~ ~

_Day thirteen of hell:_

I think my cat is scared of me, and I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one in this house, so when I’m engaging in these _stupid_ rituals and insane behaviors, I’m not the only one that actually knows.

I forget that Rocco witnesses it, and a lot of people say that animals don’t have feelings, but I know that’s not true. In a weird way, I can tell that it’s bothering him. Cats can sense when things aren’t right, and they’re really intuitive creatures, so why am I surprised that he won’t leave my side today?

It’s like he’s trying to tell me to stop. I think if he could talk, he would be saying, ‘Daddy, why are you doing that?! What are you doing? Stop it!’

I caught his face earlier today when I was in the middle of purging, and he looked like a deer in headlights. My felt my heart sink because I’ve never seen him look at me like that. For a cat, it looked like a mixture of shock, confusion, and sadness. It got me to stop for a split second, but the fucked up part is that, even though I felt so bad, I kept going because I had to finish what I started.

Ever since then, he hasn’t left me alone. He has continuously scented me and follows me everywhere. Now that I think about it, I think I remember him giving me weird looks when I would do my really vigorous workouts in my living room before the tour started, and of course he was probably frightened by the various emotional outbursts I’ve had since I’ve been home...

I feel guilty. He’s my pet. He shouldn’t have to be scared and worried about me. It’s my job to take care of him, and love him. I am the one that should be looking out for him, but right now he’s looking out for me.

I really am a piece of shit.

~ ~ ~

_Day fourteen of hell:_

I’m laying in bed with my thoughts, and everything is just hitting me.

We have a week before we get back on the road again, and Nikki and DJ are gonna be expecting me to ‘take care of myself.’ They’re gonna be keeping an eye on me, and they’re gonna be making sure I’m eating. They’ll probably watch to see if I’m sneaking in exercise too, which I definitely will, but if we have separate hotel rooms that shouldn’t be a problem.

They’re under the impression that I’m not taking laxatives any-more, and they will continue to believe that, since I already conjured up a plan for those. That’s been working well, actually. I was unsure about trying the new ones, but they work just as well, and they can easily be disguised as other things.

As for the eating.... Well, now I know how I’ll get through that.

Look, I forced myself to eat the pizza that night because I already knew that I was gonna have to prepare myself for situations like that when we tour again. I did it to experiment. It did it to see how I was gonna handle scenarios like that. Of course I knew it was gonna suck, but I also knew that I would somehow figure out a way to deal with it afterwards.

Now, I know that I’ll be completely fine playing my game in front of the two.

I don’t think we’ll all be eating together a whole lot, but for the occasions that we do, I have my plan. I’ll do exactly what I did that night.

I’ll sit at the table with Nikki and DJ, or wherever we’re eating, and I’ll put on that nice, laid back facade that I’ve had to put on too many times now. I’ll make sure to have my water bottle or travel mug with me, so I can drink the laxative powder while the two think it’s just water. When I’m face to face with whatever food is the culprit, I’ll hide and sneak away as much of it as I can, but I know that I will have to eat some of it, so I’ll force it down the way I did with the pizza.

I have a feeling it won’t feel as nerve wracking, because I know what I’ll be doing afterwards.

If I’m able to leave right away, I will. I’ll go to the nearest bathroom and I’ll do my thing. If I can’t leave right away, I’ll force myself to sit there longer, and while I’m waiting I’ll continue to drink water. I already know I’ll feel at ease just knowing that the laxatives will give my body a head start at emptying itself out.

I’ll be able to use the water as an excuse to leave, saying that I drank too much and have to pee.

The only problem I might run into is taking too long in the bathroom, which is what happened when the laxatives kicked in that one day at the restaurant. That probably left DJ and Nikki feeling suspicious, and I can’t have that happen again.

Luckily... with all of this free time I’ve had at home... I’ve figured out some ways to make this whole thing happen a lot faster, and feel a lot easier on me, if you can even say that.

I discovered that drinking a lot after eating fills me up even more, which then triggers my gag reflex. When I’m full I feel nauseous, and my stomach won’t have to do as much work to get everything up. In fact, I could just bend over and the shit will slide right out.

Carbonated drinks work even better, because they trigger you to burp and they give you an even more intense feeling of fullness. The second you burp, the muscles in your stomach will contract and you’ll bring more shit up than you thought you even had eaten.

I could be finished within two minutes if I do it this way, especially if I manage to get away with hiding a lot of the food and only eat a little bit of it.

Of course, before I leave the bathroom, I’ll have to make sure there are no traces of vomit around the toilet or on the seat. I haven’t ran into that problem yet, though, so I think I’ll be okay. If I think I left a stench, I’ll use whatever disinfectant spray is in there to freshen up the place. My breath might smell like shit, so I’ll make sure to carry gum or mints with me. I’ll even have mouthwash, so I can use that immediately after to hide the evidence. I’ll also have to make sure my eyes aren’t bloodshot, and if they are, I’ll wear my sunglasses. I typically wear them inside a lot anyway, so that’s nothing out of the ordinary. I notice the redness in my eyes doesn’t last long anyway, so even if I did have to remove the sunglasses, my eyes would probably look normal again.

If I do all of this, I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine. I’ll just come right back, pretend that nothing happened, and jump right back into whatever we were doing before.

It’s fucked up, and I know that it’s fucked up. It feels so _wrong_ to go against my values like this, and constantly lie, but all of the positives that I’m getting out of doing this crap overpowers everything else.

My rationale is pushed away in the far depths of my brain, where I would have to really dig deep to find it, and that manipulative, devious, side of me is bubbling up at the surface. I can’t see or hear anything else but it, so that’s the side that I end up giving into.

I’m still asking myself _why_....

 _Why_ is that side of me so much stronger?

 _Why_ do I feel like I can’t make my own decisions any-more?

And, _why_ do I feel like I’m beginning to lose myself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, again. If I could hug each and every one of you, I would.


	21. Deadlihood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will literally pay someone to make my mind shut up and fix my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna make this short and sweet...
> 
> This chapter was a shit show to write. It’s extremely descriptive with specific behaviors and side effects of those behaviors.... It just brought up a lot for me but I’m not sugar coating here. This whole chapter is basically a detailed description of day to day with an eating disorder.
> 
> Hope u guys like it. I stayed up so I could finish writing it.
> 
> Love yous

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_Day fifteen of hell:_

“So, James, hows your last week off of touring going?”

Well, I’m really happy you asked... It’s just.... _great_.

I will literally pay someone to make my mind shut up and fix my head.

It’s almost two in the morning and I’m pacing around in the kitchen, awake. Why am I not in my room? Well, I’m glad you asked. Let me explain.

Well, first of all, I definitely overdid it on the caffeine today. I had so much goddamn energy that I ended up working out for a solid three hours before this. In the middle of working out, I tripped and bruised my knee really bad, but because I’m a fuckin’ idiot, I just kept going anyway!

Then, I took a shower and had a great time in there... When I say great, you know I’m full of shit because when the hell does seeing my body naked, watching clumps of my hair fall out, and shiver til the end of time ever feel great? Exactly, it doesn’t.

Anyway, I was jittery the whole damn day but now I feel myself crashing and trust me, I would love to lay down in my bed and relax right now, even if I won’t fall asleep, but that just sucks for me because it’s not happening.

Right now, I’m too busy obsessing over what I should have for breakfast tomorrow. Yes, you heard me correctly. This happens every fuckin’ night because for some reason I feel the need to plan out what I’m eating for breakfast the night before. It puts me at ease a bit knowing I won’t have to obsess over it in the morning. Anyway, there’s two choices in my head that I can’t decide between: Oatmeal or All Bran.

Yeah, I forgot to mention, I’ve been on a fiber kick lately, because I realized that it helps me shit so it can almost be used as a laxative if I don’t get ahold of real ones. God, that sounds fucked...

So, yes, I can’t choose between those two foods and the issue is that I like to prepare it the night before so it’s all ready when I wake up the next morning. I can’t let myself relax until I make the meal now....

The issue is that I’ve been trying to decide on this shit for over a goddamn hour, and I got interrupted by having to run to the bathroom because my bowels decided to give me a hard time. Either the laxatives kicked in at the worst of times, or the fiber I’ve been eating gave me a kick in the ass. I was in the bathroom for over twenty minutes, shitting myself, and I was too scared to get up because I thought it would happen again. Seriously, imagine if I went back out into the kitchen and tried to prepare my food and all of a sudden it happened there?

_Yeah.... no thank you._

I stayed in the bathroom longer to be safe, but even when I knew it was safe enough to leave, I couldn’t.

I couldn’t even leave then because I had suddenly gotten sucked into obsessing over my body.... again. As if once today wasn’t fuckin’ enough. I got so preoccupied with how shitty my hair is looking from falling out, and I even noticed my lips getting really dry and cracked... That’s probably from the purging... Not too much of a surprise.

I couldn’t snap myself out of the compulsions to keep on looking at myself. That mirror grabbed me and pulled me towards it, like it always does and I felt glued right there to the floor, and I couldn’t move. So that wasted another fifteen minutes.

I somehow got myself to snap out of that, and made my way back to the kitchen.

That’s why I’m still here, obsessing over my goddamn breakfast for tomorrow. I’m honestly so fuckin’ exhausted and feel like I’m about to collapse, but it doesn’t matter because I _still_ need to make a decision!

Who the hell takes this fuckin’ long to choose a goddamn breakfast?! Who the hell does this?!

Honestly, at this point I feel like I might fuckin’ cry because my mind won’t shut up, and this is probably the stupidest thing for it to go around in circles about! It’s choosing a goddamn food! How hard is that?! I’ve never heard of anyone who’s brain won’t shut up for a second because they’re obsessing over what to have for breakfast!

WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

It’s times like now when I catch myself wishing that I didn’t have a brain...

So, yeah. Life is just great right now! To all of my fans... If any of you ever wonder what I do on my time off, this is it! I feel like I’m living in a hell hole and I _really_ hope that none of you ever have to experience it!

I’m just thriving so hard right now, I wouldn’t change a damn thing about this.

~ ~ ~

_Day SIXX-teen of hell:_

_3:30am_

I discover more and more each day that I’m an absolute mental case who makes stupid decisions, and then regrets them, but keeps repeating them any-way.

I’m so fuckin’ sore and I feel like an eighty year old, but I still force myself to exercise any-way. It doesn’t fucking matter. I was literally limping around my house for most of the day today because of that bruise on my knee from yesterday, but here I am, forcing myself to run in the dead of the night. It doesn’t help that I ended up purging a good amount today so my stomach also feels like shit.

I don’t even know how long I’ve been out here for, but it doesn’t matter!

Nothing fuckin’ matters!

The more streets I pass, the more cars I see driving by, and I’m beginning to wonder if anyone recognizes me... and if they do, what the hell are they even thinking right now?

_That I’m fuckin’ nuts?_

If DJ or Nikki caught me taking a run in the dead of night.... at 3:30 in the morning.... I’m not sure if I even want to know how they would react.

The more I run, the heavier my legs start to feel, and soon enough it feels like my quads weigh as much as bricks.

I can feel my heart rate intensifying, so much so that it feels like it’s pounding right out of my chest. _Palpitating_. My breathing becomes shallower and quicker and it’s becoming harder to get air through my lungs.

All I can think to myself in this moment is how much I don’t want to be doing this.

_Why the FUCK am I doing this right now?_

I desperately want to stop. I just want to give my body rest and plop down on the hard concrete and just LAY there.

But... _I can’t._

It doesn’t matter how much I don’t want to be doing this. It doesn’t matter how much pain I’m in right now. It doesn’t matter how tortured in the head I feel.

I need to finish.

I need to keep going.

It doesn’t matter what the hell happens.

I _need_ this.

The most fucked up part of this is that no matter how much my body feels like it’s about to give up, and how much I feel my heart starting to beat irregularly, and how sick to my stomach I feel because I’m running on an absolute _empty_ stomach.... I still keep going.

All of these symptoms that I’m feeling are scaring me... but they obviously haven’t scared me enough.

It hasn’t scared me enough to be able to just _S T O P_.

With every step I take, I can feel my body getting closer to giving up on me. I’m feeling incredibly light-headed, and I know that I could pass out any moment, but I keep telling myself that it hasn’t happened yet during exercise and if it was going to, it would have already.

_What great logic my brain spews out, yeah?_

I keep trying to tell myself that I can get through this. I'm almost finished with my route and then I can go back to my house and finally lay down. Once I finish this, I _earned_ that. But I have to finish first, or else I don’t get to relax.

I start to hear a ringing in my ears as a huge wave of dizziness washes upon me. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath, blink a few times, and push my depleted body to keep going.

_Just two more blocks._

My head is pounding as I continue to talk myself through this hell that I’m in.

_You literally have two more blocks. That’s nothing. You’re so fuckin’ CLOSE._

The minute I thought that to myself, I feel a burning sensation in my chest. _Heartburn_. I’m just about ready to give up but instead I run even faster.

 _This isn’t anything new. This happens every time. Don’t let that stop you. Don’t let that trick you_.

As much as I try to convince myself, the combination of the heartburn, the dizziness, the weakness, and the palpitations seems like it’s becoming too much to bear.

_Thank god you’re a half block away. Or else you would have been fucked._

The very second that I reach the _finish line_ , the biggest wave of nausea hits me and I catch myself on the side of the curb and immediately hunch over in stomach pain.

The next thing I know, I find myself dry heaving, with a pounding migraine, and such intense dizziness, that my body finally said _fuck you_ , and led me to lay down on the cold damp concrete.

I let myself stay there for a few minutes. I stayed there until I felt my breathing stabilize, and my heart rate slowed down. That’s when I realized how weak and fatigued my body actually felt, and how much pain I’m actually in.

Once the nausea and dizziness subside, I decide to drag myself back up, carefully, and begin to make my way down the street back to my house...

_Way a fuckin’ way to live..._

~ ~ ~

_2:00pm_

I woke up to my calves hurting so bad that I could hardly even walk. Whenever I tried to move the muscle in them, it actually felt like fire was shooting right through and I thought it was going to go into a spasm. It freaked me the fuck out because it almost gave me no choice but to sit down and “rest”, and you know how that makes me feel.

Naturally.... my mind begun its obsessive cycle of torture, and I swear to god it felt like it went on forever.

Now, almost six hours later, I’m still in pain but not severely enough to keep me from exercising.

It’s starting to really hit me how fucked up all of this is becoming, but even though I know that, it doesn’t keep me from stopping either.

~ ~ ~

_Day eighteen of hell:_

_8:00am_

Did you know that there’s such a thing as drinking too much water? Well, I didn’t either, until yesterday, and boy... did I have a scare last night...

Yesterday, I noticed that I was starting to retain water really badly, and naturally I started to freak the fuck out because it was messing with my head. We all know how much water retention screws with me and terrifies me... even though I’m still not sure exactly why.

I was feeling really unsafe in my body and had all of those tormenting feelings revolving around it come to the surface again, and I figured that the reason I was retaining water was because I was probably dehydrated, just like the last time it happened. I mean, honestly if I was I wasn’t surprised... I do strenuous exercise and I’m not the best at hydrating afterwards, and also with the purging that’s been happening, I’m losing fluid too, but I just keep drinking my coffee, which doesn’t do shit for hydration. You would have thought that I had learned my lesson by now but I guess not.

I decided that I was gonna actually give myself some _real_ hydration, since my body was obviously begging me for it by holding onto shit loads of water, and I just wanted it to go away so I did what I needed to do. I thought that if I drank water it would be okay....

I was.... _so_ wrong.

Long story short... I might have drank a little _too_ much water, because the water retention just wouldn’t go away. I noticed that I wasn’t even peeing anything out either, which was even freakier because with the amount that I drank I should have been peeing every ten minutes.

So, I tried to wait patiently but nothing was getting better. I tried drinking even more water, which was definitely a big mistake, because it just made things even worse.

I started to feel like absolute shit. I was noticing that I was feeling nauseous, which was confusing because I thought that happens when you’re dehydrated, not hydrated. After a while, my body started to feel really heavy that it was hard for me to stand up. When I had to go the bathroom, I felt like I was dragging bricks attached to my feet... It was terrible. The second that I looked at my face in the mirror, I saw how puffy it looked and I knew for a fact that drinking the water did nothing. I even looked at my fingers and they were sausage-like, the same exact way they looked that time I came back from running in the rain.

Not only was my body looking and feeling like shit, but I had a sharp piercing migraine. It felt like the worst one I’ve ever had in my life. It was even worse than the one I had when I got sick and puked on stage during our show that night.

I’m not trying to sound over dramatic, but there was a part of me that was contemplating going to the ER because of how horrible I felt. That migraine was torture, and I also had weird heart palpitations goin’ on. I was just super freaked out, but the fact that the water retention wasn’t going away was freaking me out even more, so I made an impulsive decision.

In the midst of this whole shit show, I drove to the closest pharmacy and bought diuretics.

I know, I know. What the fuck was I thinking? I was already dehydrated and then I bought something to dehydrate me even more? Don’t fuckin’ ask me, okay. I don’t think my mind knows how to work the right way these days...

So, I bought them and I took them. I took way more than it said to take, of course, because when’s the last time I made a smart decision?

When I got back to my house, I wasn’t feeling any better. In fact, I just felt heavier and the migraine was just worse than it was before. At this point I had no energy to do anything else but just lay down. This was probably the only time that I would lay down willingly, because I was just in so much pain that I could hardly keep myself standing up. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep even if I tried, so I decided to try to research my symptoms to see if I could figure out what the hell was wrong.

That’s when I discovered that over-hydration is apparently a real thing.

I learned that if you drink too much water at once, you could dilute your sodium levels too low and that can cause a lot of scary shit to happen to your body. A lot of the symptoms of over-hydration are similar to dehydration which is why I was so fuckin’ confused.

Basically... I think I diluted my sodium too low, and that’s why I felt like absolute shit. I was relieved to have an answer, but also terrified because I read that your brain could actually swell from drinking too much water, and that scared the shit out of me.

It scared me so much that I dragged myself out of my bed and started to eat salt right out of the fuckin’ salt shaker on my kitchen table.

Yup... you read that correctly. I ate straight salt out of my salt shaker because I thought my brain was going to swell.

I went back to my bed to try to lay down and this time I didn’t even want to close my eyes or try to sleep because I was so scared that something was going to happen to me... Rocco was there by my side, of course, so that helped a little.

I guess... long story short... Balance is really important and I don’t have any!

The good news is that I’m feeling a lot better today... Thank god. I’m still a little shaken up from the whole thing but hopefully I’ve learned my lesson now...

~ ~ ~

_1:00pm_

I can’t be any more relieved knowing that there’s only a few days left until we tour again, because my god... I just can’t handle any more of this free time!

It’s like I completely forgot how to spend my time. I used to spend it productively. I would use my days off to spend time with people I love, or practice the piano in my studio, or even just watch some TV. I would make an effort to do things that I love, and do things that fulfill me.

Now.... Now, it’s almost like I’m completely disconnected from all of that.

If someone would have told me years ago that I would be spending my three week touring break exercising, having psychotic breakdowns over my body, and compulsively obsessing over insane things, I would have shaken my head and laughed in your face.

I can’t help but feel embarrassment. I’m humiliated at myself for what I’m doing, and the person that I’m becoming. I don’t know what’s happening to me, and why I’m getting so sucked into this bullshit. I don’t know how the hell it happened so fuckin’ fast either.

I went from someone who was so passionate about their career, who would take any opportunity to connect to it that I could. Now, I almost catch myself beginning to dread it... I start to dread performing because I know I’ll have to put on a mask and disconnect from my own reality.

I have to just constantly pretend now. Pretend that I’m okay... Pretend that nothing’s wrong... Pretend that I’m living my best life and that I wouldn’t change it for anything.

~ ~ ~

_5:00pm_

DJ called me in the middle of purging a few hours ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so thrown off guard in my life. I stupidly answered. The conversation kinda went like this:

“H- Hello?”

“James, it’s me. Just checkin’ in.”

“Ohhh hey, man.... I’m good, I’m good.”

_What a great lie, as usual!_

“Hey... Are you feelin’ okay? You sound a little raspy...”

Of course I felt like I was thrown under the bus because I have to be the stupidest person ever to just think that no one would notice that. Naturally I made a lame excuse to cover up the truth but who the hell knows if he even believed me at this point...

_I’m fuckin’ screwed._

~ ~ ~

_11:00pm_

Okay, now I’m shitting myself thinking about going back on the road.

The only reason I’m freaking out a little is because I’m realizing that purging is fucking up my voice and that was my biggest fear around it in the first place. When DJ called me today, he even noticed that my voice sounded raspy and I just wanted to hang up and smack myself because I’ve become such a self-destructive idiot who can’t make rational decisions any-more!

I’ve been trying to drink soothing herbal teas to help my throat, and if I was normal I would put honey in it, but since I’m not normal I can’t... because honey is refined sugar and I can’t fuckin’ eat that.

Another thing I would do if I was normal would be to buy myself cough drops to numb my throat, but of course that’s just another thing I won’t do. You know why?

Because...

_Cough drops have calories._

Basically, I’ve come up with another plan. I’m gonna be real. This purging shit is really starting to take a toll on me, and it’s really not enjoyable either. I didn’t want to do it in the first place but I ended up resorting to it because I got desperate. The issue is that with all of this free time I had at home during this break, I used behaviors to pass the time and I kept doing it. Now, I’m realizing it’s fucking me up so bad and I can’t keep doing it this much, if at all.

My plan is to only resort to it when I absolutely _need_ to.

I want to try to avoid doing it as much as I can, but if I’m in a situation where I’m gonna be forced to eat and not be able to get out of it, then I’ll do it. It’ll just be a quick one time thing and that’s it.

At least restricting and exercising never fucked up my voice. Yeah, they’re miserable in their own way but they never made such an obvious impact. This is so bad for my career. If my voice is fucked, were all fucked.

I’m gonna have to be _so_ careful...

~ ~ ~

_Day nineteen of hell:_

_8:00am_

I managed to get a few hours of sleep last night, but of course my brain couldn’t let me enjoy them.

Instead, I had a disturbing dream involving me being an idiot, and DJ catching me being an idiot. It went a little something like this....

~ ~ ~

_The next thing I knew I had my head over the toilet bowl in my bathroom upstairs._

_Then... the unexpected happened._

_DJ showed up._

_He showed up and knocked on the bathroom door as I was in the middle of barfing my guts out. Fan on and everything._

_I just froze in shock._

_“Yeah?”_

_I had to shut off the fan to hear him as I was silently freaking out._

_“Whatcha doing in there?”_

_“Nothing.” (Yeah right.)_

_“Can you come out, please?”_

_I literally had my water bottle in my hand and I was about to continue purging._

_“Uh... no.”_

_I was panicking because I wasn’t finished. I didn’t get it all out. I was going to cry. I felt it._

_“Why not?”_

_Then it happened._

_“Because I can’t.”_

_I broke down in there._

_“Yes you can.”_

_“No I can’t.”_

_“Come on James... come on, you can.”_

_I couldn’t because I needed to finish. I NEEDED TO FINISH._

_“I... CAN’T!”_

_“Do you want me to call an ambulance?”_

_“WHAT NO!”_

_“Then please come out.”_

_“Can I have a second?”_

_“You can have 50 seconds.”_

_I peeked through the door and saw him still standing there._

_“Okay I’ll meet you downstairs.”_

_“Nah, I’ll just wait here for you. Then we can come down together.”_

_Basically, this just went on for what seemed like forever because I turned the fan back on and finished purging with him outside the bathroom door (because let’s be real here; we both knew what I was doing in there...)_

_The problem was that I felt too vulnerable and humiliated and ashamed to come out of the bathroom. He literally had to lure me out._

_“James, it’s okay...”_   
_“Come on out.”_

_It took forever but eventually I came out hiding myself with my sweatshirt jacket, and curled up into the fetal position on my bed and started breaking down crying. I just laid there and cried. I don’t think DJ knew what to do. He looked so sad and at a loss._

_I never wanted him to see me the way he did now. I never wanted him to catch me destroying myself and purging... it’s humiliating._

_I cried for what seemed like forever. DJ got me to come downstairs with him (because he told me if I didn’t he would just come back up here). But of course before that I was able to sneak more purging in and hid it in a water bottle in my closet (nice.)_

~ ~ ~

So.... yeah...What a fantastic dream. Definitely the best thing to wake up to! It’s not like I was already freaking out about being around DJ and having to hide this shit... but now....

Basically, this just made my anxiety a whole lot worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... I know that was intense (sorrrrrry!!!!). Hope it wasn’t horrible tho! Lemme know your thoughts


	22. Belly Of The Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Life is Beautiful' is supposed to remind people of how beautiful life is...
> 
> I'm not seeing the beauty any-more.
> 
> I'm just seeing darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorders, self deprecating thoughts, emotions, etc
> 
> Thank you for your support as always... I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. <3

DJ’s P.O.V:

It just hit me that we only have one more day left at home until we go back on the road, and oh my god, am I fuckin’ excited!

Of course it was nice to have a break, but seriously, I love what I do so much that it’s hard to be patient, you know?

I’m even more pumped for this leg of the tour because we’re going to Europe! I love traveling... Always have. I’m always so fascinated with the different cultures and ways of life in other countries besides my own. I’ve always been an explorative kind of guy. I like adventure. I like spicing things up and seeing things from different perspectives.

I also love ethnic foods, like can I be real? It’s always so cool to eat shit that I don’t even know half the ingredients in. That sounds really odd, but I like surprises. That could always be the child in me, but Nikki has said the same thing so I can’t be that weird.

We also release our second half of our double album in a little over a month, and I am vibrating with happiness. We worked so fuckin’ hard on that... We never even released a double album before so the process of it all was such a huge deal. We had such a fun time putting it all together... Writing the songs, recording our parts.... Of course, James worked his magic on mixing both records, and I will forever be impressed with his ability to create such unique, mesmerizing, musical sounds. I still don’t even know how he doesn’t get confused when he works with the soundboard. There’s too many goddamn keys on it. I don’t trust myself to use it the right way!

Anyway, I’m getting a little off track here. My mind likes to wander a bit too much.

The reaction that we got on the first album of the two, ‘Prayers for the Damned’ was just amazing and mind-blowing! I can’t fuckin’ wait to see what our fans think of this one!

So, yeah, I’m excited for a lot of things about touring again.

But, most importantly, I can’t wait to be around my two buds again. I should really stop being so sappy, but I think we all know that it’s impossible at this point. They’re family, even if they aren’t blood. Family isn’t always blood, and it doesn’t have to be. I think as long as the people you’re around make you feel good, are non-judge mental, accepting, and open minded... Honestly, that’s what family is to me. Genuine, fun-loving, caring people. We’re all here for one another, and I always know that if something happens, they have my back. It’s a good feeling.

On another note, I really hope James is gonna continue trying to help himself. I hope he used the rest of his time at home to recuperate and chill out as much as he could. I called him the other day and his voice sounded a little raspy, so that got me a little worried, but hopefully it’s nothing. He could have drank water and it went down the wrong way so he started coughing, or his throat might just hurt. I don’t know, but he said he was feeling okay when I asked.

I really hope he’s not lying. I don’t know why he would be, though.

There’s always that small part of me in the back of my head that constantly has a radar on. I feel like even when things seem to be going well, I’m still worried anyway. He ate the pizza with me and Nikki and seemed happy, and there was no reason for me to be concerned about anything... Meanwhile, I’m still concerned.

Is it because I just care about him in general? Is it because our friendship is just so strong that I’m compelled to be concerned and want to watch over him, even though I’m younger? Is it just because that’s the kind of person I am? Maybe I’m a caretaker? Have I been like this forever and I never realized it until now?

My head is starting to go in circles, because here I am ready to question myself again. Why do I do this? I really shouldn’t question myself whenever I worry about someone. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with caring and wanting the best for someone. Nikki would tell me that. James would tell me that too, so why do I feel uncomfortable and weird about this?

It’s almost like my gut is trying to subconsciously play games with me. Is it trying to predict that something catastrophic is going to happen, just because shit happened on our last leg of the tour? That doesn’t mean shit! It’s so irrational. Just because things happened last time, it doesn’t mean bad stuff is gonna go down this time!

We had a talk! We talked to him. He says he’s okay. I saw him eat. Nikki did too.

So why in the hell is my brain still saying that he might not be okay?

_SHUT UP!_

_DJ, James is fine._

_And.... if he isn’t.... Nikki will definitely catch on and say something, so please take a chill pill and relax._

_Think about touring._

_It’s gonna be a fuckin’ good time._

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_Day twenty of hell:_

I can’t stop thinking about that dream I had the other night... You know, the one with DJ...

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty, and I feel ashamed at myself, in a weird way.

I feel guilty because of everything that I’m doing. The behaviors I do are fucked up and even I know that, because look at me, for real.

I’m pathetic. I basically spent my break from touring doing absolutely nothing but things that make me feel miserable. I hardly left my house. I’ve only gone out to buy laxatives, or to go to a mandatory interview... Which then led me to be semi-normal and hang out and eat pizza, but... I would rather forget about that night, thank you.

Basically, I just can’t stop having mixed feelings about all of this...

The dream is really fucking with me because it’s making me realize that my behaviors don’t just hurt me, but they hurt other people too. It’s reminding me of how much DJ actually cares about me. I’m remembering the little ‘intervention’ that he and Nikki held for me, and my god... I’ve really never seen DJ look so anxious in my life, and I’ve known him for a long time now.

He looked heartbroken, and when he let out his own concerns, I could see his heart shattering. I felt it in his voice and saw it in his eyes, and it was so hard for me to not look away from him, because the guilt was eating me alive.

It was consuming me, but I also felt apathetic to it at the same time, and disconnected from it... Or should I say, the fucked up side of my brain did. It led me to lie through the whole damn thing. I ignored every concern they put on the table and just sweet talked my way out of it so I could go back to doing exactly what I’ve been doing.

I’m starting to really feel like an asshole, and a horrible person. I hate the fact that I feel so shameful and guilty for hurting people by doing this shit, but I just continue to do it any-way.

Nothing seems to make an impact big enough to get me to stop doing what I’m doing. You would have thought that after that scare I had the other day with my electrolytes getting out of whack, I would have stopped and thought about my behaviors for at least a few minutes, but I didn’t. You would have thought that being in severe pain with bruises up my legs from exercising and tripping in the middle of workouts would have smacked some sense into me about my exercise habits, but it didn’t. Of course, it didn’t.

I’m feeling frustrated, because there’s a part of me that’s smart enough to know that what I’m doing isn’t good, but the other side just overpowers all of that as usual.

The two sides of my brain just constantly argue with each other, over every little thing that I do, and it never stops. The dialogue that I have is ongoing and it feels parasitical. I just get so desperate for all of the noise to end, and that’s when I give in.

I give in because I don’t know what else to do to make it all stop.

I give in and end up hurting myself, but at least my brain gets quiet, right?

I give in and end up hurting other people, but I feel somewhat at peace, right?

It feels like a battle between good and evil... It’s like that song we wrote for ‘Prayers for the Damned’ called ‘Belly of the Beast.’

_‘I stared at the face of evil, in the belly of the beast...’_

I feel like it’s an evil part of me that is driven to engage in all of the shit I’m doing. That’s not my true self doing this. Lying and manipulating people is not what I value... It feels horrible and it feels wrong.

_‘I turned my back on Jesus, in the belly of the beast.’_

Even though I know it’s all wrong, and I’m going against all of my morals, I still do it anyway.

_‘Sometimes your only choice is no choice at all.’_

A lot of times I feel so disconnected when I engage in behaviors that it doesn’t feel like a choice. It’s almost become automatic... habitual... It’s compulsive. I don’t think before I do it.

I just do it.

_‘Sometimes the only voice you hear is when the devil calls, so listen...’_

That voice in my head... that devilish, demonic, venomous voice... It’s consuming. It’s louder than the healthy part of me. It just screams and blocks out anything else that’s around me, so it’s all I end up hearing.

~ ~ ~

NIKKI’S P.O.V

We’re back on the road in two days, and I’m so ready.

I think three weeks was a good amount of time to clear our heads and get ourselves prepared to dominate the world again. I know, I know... I love saying world domination, but that’s honestly what it feels like to me when we tour.

I thought I was retiring last year when I announced with Motley Crue that we weren’t gonna tour again. Well, obviously that didn’t happen, because I wanted to continue the journey with Sixx AM, and there is no part of me that regrets that decision one bit.

Spreading messages of hope through music is one of the things that fulfills me the most in my life. So many people don’t feel like they have a voice, and I felt like that throughout my childhood. It was fucked up, as most of you know. Music became my outlet for releasing all of the toxic emotions and anger that I held inside of me. I’ve been able to tell my story through my songwriting and of course through publishing books later in life, but music was always my lifeline.

Of course, drugs grabbed a hold of me years later, but I worked through that shit to get to where I am today.

A lot of people say they wish they would forget the darkness they’ve been through because of how horrific and haunting it felt to them. Look, I would never wish what I’ve been through upon anyone in the world. I really don’t care how much of an asshole someone is. I don’t believe anyone deserves to have to go through something so tormenting.

What I also say though, is that I don’t regret going through what I did. You’re probably wondering why. You’re probably asking, _“Why the hell wouldn’t you change that? You went through hell, and you don’t regret it?! How could you say that?!”_

This might sound crazy to you, but believe it or not, I got something out of every hardship and obstacle I’ve endured, and I truly believe that I would not be the same person I am today had I not gone through what I have.

I always say that there’s a sick kind of beauty that comes from pain. I think when you’ve been through something dark, and come out of it, you see life in a very different way than most people do. You see life through different colored lenses. There’s the people in the world who wear rose colored lenses and are blinded by a lot of reality because they don’t want to face the truth. Me, on the other hand... I see life as it is. I see the beauty and I see the despair. And even when I see the dark parts, I see beauty within, because I know there’s a way out of the darkness. There’s a light out there and if I was able to crawl my way out of the hole I had dug myself into, then anybody can.

They just have to want to, though.

Not only do I see the world differently because of what I’ve been through, but I notice that I communicate with others a lot differently also. I have a lot more empathy for people going through things because I know personally how it feels. I have a lot of compassion and understanding for humanity, when most people in the world are so quick to criticize and judge.

I used to be a close minded, stubborn, resistant person. When I was sick, that’s how it was. I was the most narrow minded, conceded bastard on the planet, and if you didn’t agree with me or do things my way, that was the end of me and you. I was so sucked into my pit of depression and hopelessness that it was hard to connect with other people, or even be open to their ideas.

Now, as a recovering addict, it’s easy for me to connect so deeply with others. My conversations can go so in depth these days, that most people are surprised. It’s because of my experiences. I gained a lot of knowledge and insight over the years in recovery... I have the life experience and wisdom now, and I can share that with others, to hopefully educate them and help lead them on a good path in life.

I’m not sure why I ended up saying all of this, but I think someone will get something out of it.

Back to touring... Music was, and still is a lifeline. It’s my way of storytelling, and it’s my way of spreading hope to others.

That’s why I didn’t fuckin’ retire! This second leg of the tour is going to be incredible... At least, I hope it is. I don’t think I’ve had a bad performance with DJ or James yet, and we’ve known each other for a long time now...

Speaking of James... I really do hope he’s well rested and ready to take on the world. I’ll be with him the whole time. I care about him, and he’s gonna be on my radar, whether he likes it or not.

I’ll always be mentally prepared in the back of my head in case I have to confront him again, but of course all I can do is hope I won’t have to.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_Day twenty-one of hell:_

This is it.

Today’s the last day at home before we hit Europe and tour again...

Let’s see if I can make today worthwhile. I highly doubt it, but it doesn’t hurt to dream, right?

~ ~ ~

_2:00pm_

I’m in the middle of packing my suitcase up, and my head is just spinning.

I’m embarrassed to even look at what’s in here. I never thought my life would actually come to this.

I have all of my clothes, my shoes, toiletries, music, headphones... All of the normal stuff...

But then... There’s the _fucked_ up shit that I have hidden in so many compartments that I might even forget where I put everything.

We have the ridiculous number of boxes of chocolate laxatives. I’m still cringing knowing that I’ve actually gone that far to take those... And I’m expecting everyone to believe that it’s real chocolate.

We have about twenty water bottles, and each one has been open and filled with the clear laxative powder, and sealed shut again. I almost want to disconnect from the fact that I’m being this sneaky, because it feels like shit.

Then, of course, I have my stash of protein bars, protein powder pouches, instant coffee packets, and whatever else I think I’ll be comfortable eating... which really isn’t much of anything these days.

Oh, and just to be safe, I packed a box of diuretics... You know, just in case I end up retaining water really badly again and I can’t handle it. But, because I can’t just have a box of diuretics out in the open like that, I took an empty bottle of ibuprofen and filled it up with them. I also have another bottle of ibuprofen in there as well, because who the fuck knows how much pain I’ll be putting myself in from exercising.... I’m gonna need to function onstage somehow...

This is just so... _bad_. The whole fuckin’ thing is so bad...

~ ~ ~

_7:00pm_

Rocco keeps going near my suitcase and smelling it. I have a feeling that he knows I’m about to leave him for another few months, and I can tell he’s not too happy about it. In fact, I think he’s sad.

He keeps on giving me that sad, pleading look that he gives me whenever he sees me doing something stupid. I’m not even doing anything right now and he’s just staring at me, with this look of desperate longing.

I wish I could talk to him. I mean, I can talk to him, but I wish he could understand what I’m saying. I want to tell him not to worry about me, and that daddy will be back soon... But even I feel a pit in my stomach thinking that because I already have a feeling this leg of the tour is gonna be a complete shit show.

I’m a mess right now, and even my poor cat knows it.

I’m just in my kitchen, leaning over the table, because I can’t get myself to sit down. That’s probably what Rocco wants to say to me right now. He probably wants to scream, _‘Dad, let yourself rest! Come on already! You’ve been standing up the whole day!’_

I would love to rest, but I can’t. I just... _can’t_.

My knees feel like they might give up on me because they’re sick of holding my body up for so long, but I still can’t do it.

My legs are just fuckin’ sore and feel so heavy because of all of the muscle strains, but I still can’t rest them.

I don’t even know how long I’ve been standing here for, but I think Rocco is losing his patience, because now he’s up on the table, scenting me.

I scoop him up in my arms, and give him a little kiss on the head. He usually hates when I do that, but today he doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, I can actually feel him leaning into the touch.

I feel a chill shoot up my spine, and when I look at him, he’s giving me that wide eyed, sad stare again.

I can swear I feel a weird lump forming in my throat, which feels slightly embarrassing, but I love this cat so much that seeing him in any kind of pain just hurts.

I take a deep breath and start to talk to him.

“Aww, buddy. I know you’re gonna miss me, but it’s not gonna be long...”

I’m stroking his silky fur, as he leans in closer to me. It almost feels like he’s trying to cling to me. If he was a person, he would be grabbing onto me and not letting go.

“It’s okay.... You know Daddy loves you, right?”

I wink at him and kiss his head again.

“Daddy’s gonna be fine, okay? He’s gonna be with his two favorite goofs...”

I can’t help but start to feel slight anxiety as I say that, because I don’t know if I’m gonna be okay.

I don’t know how I’m gonna handle this when everything just escalated a terrifying amount.

_I’m terrified to sit down._

_I’ve bruised my body from injuring myself during exercise, but despite that I’ve just ended up exercising even more than I have in my entire life, and I’m terrified to decrease the amount._

_I took diuretics even in the midst of a dangerous electrolyte imbalance, and continued to take laxatives._

_The number of foods that I allow myself to eat has been narrowed down even more than they were two weeks ago, and if I somehow end up eating something that’s not on that list.... Someone’s stuck in the bathroom for god knows how long._

_I’m suddenly obsessed with fiber and terrified of eating fruit._

_I’m still hoarding protein bars._

The list could go on and on and on...

I honestly had no idea things could start to go downhill in just three weeks, and I’m gonna be expected to hide all of this.

It’s not gonna be easy this time, and I’m fuckin’ anxious about it.

~ ~ ~

_11:00pm_

I’m catching myself thinking about the songs on the album that we’re gonna be releasing soon... and, I feel like a fuckin’ _hypocrite_.

We wrote and recorded all of those songs over a year ago, before this shit started with me, and now when I look at the words I cringe.

So many of these songs are about hope. The messages are similar throughout.

_‘If you’re going through the darkness, there is always a way out.’_

It’s not even only that one album. That’s the main message in so many of our songs... Even some of the earliest ones off of ‘The Heroin Diaries’.

That’s what Sixx AM is known for as a band. We bring out heavy topics in our music that most people don’t want to talk about... We’ve been known to use twisted, grotesque, dark lyrics to spread a message of some kind of hope.... a light... a glimmer of peace... serenity.

I feel like I shouldn’t even be performing these songs anymore because look at where I am. I don’t feel any hope. I’m fuckin’ miserable and feel tortured. Where the hell is the light in that? Whenever I had to go out and perform on our last leg of the tour, it felt wrong. It didn’t feel right because I’ve been feeling the complete opposite of most of what is said in the songs.

Our song _‘Rise’_ is about empowerment. It’s about rising up above what is going against you, and not letting anything bring you down. Do I feel fuckin’ empowered right now? God, no! I feel like shit! I feel like I’m just beating myself down.

 _‘You Have Come To The Right Place’_ is spreading the message that there’s a way out of hell, but you have to take initiative to find it. Part of me knows that I have the power to get out of this hell, but that other side of me pushes that rationale down, so I just continue to suck myself deeper into this pit.

There’s a line from _‘This is Gonna Hurt_ ’ that goes, _‘Keep your secrets in the shadows and you’ll be sorry.’_ Singing that kills me because all I’m doing is keeping secrets. My whole life is becoming secretive, and I know what Nikki would tell me right now.

_“Secrets keep you sick...”_

You know which one is the absolute worst to think about?

_‘Life is Beautiful.’_

That was our first number one hit. This is the song that brought so much hope to so many people fighting addiction. This song saved so many lives, and now I _dread_ thinking about singing it.

This song is supposed to remind people of how beautiful life is... If you feel like it isn’t worth it to live, there is always something on the other side. Nikki has said, _“When you’ve lost it all, that’s when you realize that life is beautiful.”_

I’m not seeing the beauty any-more.

I feel like I’m just seeing _darkness_.


	23. Pray For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last thought that goes through my head before I head back out is that I probably made a really bad decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FAIR WARNING Y’ALL: this is pretty descriptive with side effects of certain behaviors.... and it felt so real writing this because I’ve actually experienced all of the effects that I talk about in this, so it was interesting to relive it a bit... I hope you never have to go through it... it was freaky as fuck!!! 
> 
> Anyway.... 
> 
> the usual TW applies: eating disorders, specific behaviors, irrational thoughts, extreme anxiety, etc 
> 
> Hope u enjoy! <3

_Los Angeles International Airport:_

DJ’s P.O.V:

Fuck yes! The day has finally come!

The three of us are at the airport right now, and my whole body is just buzzing with excitement! I didn’t think three weeks without touring would be so hard for me to get through, but it was. I’m just craving that adrenaline rush that performing gives me, so I am more than ecstatic right now.

Just being in the airport, and watching all of these people rushing around is pumping me up! I feel like a little kid who just woke up on Christmas morning and is ready to open presents from Santa. That’s how happy I am right now.

I wonder if anyone recognizes us... If they do they’re probably trying to be nice and not annoy us, but I wouldn’t mind chatting with fans.

It’s hard to be patient and wait... I’ve been trying to pass the time by busting Nikki’s chops because he has a pink carry-on bag with him. He doesn’t know this yet, but I may or may not have snapped a picture and posted it to the Sixx AM Instagram account.

You know that I would never miss an opportunity to make fun of that fucker.

I nudge Nikki’s shoulder and smirk.

“Nice bag, Dad.”

You should see the face he just made at me. He’s used to my rowdy childlike antics, and he fuckin’ likes it, but he’s just not admitting it.

“Funny that your remark is coming from the dude who’s gotten mistaken for a girl with that late nineties goth-emo haircut!”

He starts cracking up, and so do I, because even I know that was a funky hairstyle. Praise the lord for the Mohawk I have now.

You know what? I fuckin’ rocked that old haircut though, and I ain’t afraid to admit it.

I don’t know what world James is in, but I don’t think he’s in this one. I swear to god, I’ve noticed him pacing around since we’ve gotten here. Part of me is tempted to ask how much caffeine he’s had today, but another part of me isn’t sure if I want to know the answer to that...

And then there’s the third part of me that feels a teeny bit uneasy because.... Wasn’t he resting on the break? Why does he need all the caffeine?

 _No, no, DJ, not now..._ I automatically try to block that thought out because I know if I don’t, my brain will start to spiral into a never ending dark pit, and I don’t need that now!

I’m fuckin’ excited about traveling and touring. I’m not letting my catastrophic brain ruin that for me!

My god, I’m still so damn curious though... I mean... he looks rested to me. Maybe he has nervous energy because he’s excited too. Who knows!

I don’t know how much longer we’re gonna have to wait to board our flight, but all I know is that in less than 24 hours we’ll be in fuckin’ Paris, and I am so ready.

We’re gonna kill this leg of the tour like we’ve never killed a tour before!

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’m probably the only person in the world who is scared of flying... not because of your ears popping, or the unsettling sensation that turbulence brings... Nope, none of that.

I’m dreading this flight because I know I’m gonna be forced to sit down the whole time. The full ten hours and forty minutes... from Los Angeles to Paris... I’m gonna have to sit down. I can’t move around, and I can’t pace.

I’m just gonna have to _sit_.

I’ve been anxious about this since last night, and I slept horribly because of it. I kept obsessing over what the fuck I’m supposed to do because of this... How am I gonna fuckin’ compensate for having to sit for so goddamn long?

Well... I wonder if me pacing around the airport right now helps answer that question...

Yeah, we’re all checked in. We went through security and everything, so now we’re just waiting... Nikki and DJ are sitting down, like _normal_ people, but here I am, just pacing around like a lunatic.

I already know I look weird and I know that they’ve both noticed, but they’re just not saying anything to me about it. I can see their faces and I know they’re gonna eventually say something, and I’m just gonna have to spit out something stupid like I always do, even though I know how much of a risk I’m taking now, since they’re aware of my bullshit...

All that’s going through my head right now are numbers. Every step I take is getting calculated... I’m trying to get as much movement in right now as I can before we have to board the plane... I even did an extremely intense workout last night because I knew I was gonna be missing out on a lot of opportunities to move being on the plane...

To be honest, I might have pushed myself a little too hard, because I am sore beyond belief right now... I think I gave myself shin splints, because my calves hurt like hell whenever I put any pressure on them, but... What the fuck does that matter?! I’m still moving. Of course I’m still moving. I took ibuprofen this morning, and it’s obviously wearing off so I guess I’ll just have to take more... I know that’s a really stupid solution, because all it does is numb the pain that I keep aggravating... I don’t let it heal but I keep trying to numb it out... But, that’s all I can really do right now.

The situation I’m in is making me feel really trapped okay? When I feel trapped, I get desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures.

The way my brain is spiraling right now is really making me feel nuts and my head is spinning, but it’s such an automatic thing now that I don’t really care... Okay, I care a little because I’m so sucked in, but I guess I’m just... used to it?

“James... Dude, sit the hell down!”

My head snaps up at DJ’s voice. He’s just staring at me in disbelief, but I can tell he’s trying to not laugh.

“You’ve been pacing for at least twenty minutes now... You’re making me crazy!”

Yeah, I know I’ve been pacing for twenty minutes! Obviously! I also already knew I was gonna get confronted about it at some point so why am I feeling shocked right now?

I cringe a little, only because there is that small part of me that is embarrassed... Again, who the hell does this shit?!

I can’t even think of an answer before Nikki looks up at me and chimes in.

“You gotta learn to relax, man...”. He shakes his head. “You’re gonna have no choice when you’re flying. At least then you’ll have to sit your butt down.” He gives a playful smirk.

Wow... Nikki....

Thanks for the _fuckin’_ reminder!!!

I know he means no harm. He just wants what’s best for me, and he cares, but oh _god._.. Oh my god, he has _no_ idea how fuckin’ anxious I am about this right now!

The thing is that I can’t tell him! That’s the fuckin’ problem! It’s like... It’s such a conflict. Part of me wants this shit in my head to stop and shut off so goddamn bad that I almost feel desperate to beg someone for help, but then that other side...

 _Fuck_ , that devilish side just blocks everything out like it always does, so here I am, giving into the bullshit because I don’t know any other way to deal with things.

My heart is beating out of my chest even faster than before, and I swear to god I can feel the beginning of a tear forming in my eye, and _god help me_ if I start crying in front of Nikki and DJ right now—-

_No._

_It’s not happening._

Without thinking, I grab my carry-on suitcase and start making my way out of the waiting area.

“Hey, where are ya going??”

I immediately yell back.

“I’ll be right back! I feel parched. I’m getting something to drink!”

I have such an unsettling feeling in my stomach for lying... _again_ , but what else is new?

I don’t even know where the fuck I’m going. I just needed an excuse to get away from both of them. I can’t let them see me like this... on the verge of tears over something so goddamn ridiculous.

Please... _god_ , no.

I don’t even know why I’m dragging my stupid suitcase around with me, too. The thing is heavy and I depleted myself so much that it feels like it takes too much energy to drag it along, but you know what? Isn’t that the point? It’ll burn more off, won’t it?! Plus, I’m so goddamn anxious that the adrenaline feels like real energy... Who am I kidding?

But, honestly, my whole body hurts so bad right now, and it doesn’t help that I didn’t eat anything yet today because I thought _‘Fuck, you’re gonna be sitting down so much... You can’t fuckin’ eat—-‘_

I don’t even want to listen to my brain’s stupid excuses any-more. They make me cringe more every damn time, because they just keep getting stupider.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts as I notice the sign for a CVS. I don’t even think twice before I find myself walking through the entrance, and into the diet supplement aisle.

It’s situations like this where I feel like my brain just goes on autopilot and there’s no rational thinking involved at all.

Within five minutes, I’m walking out with a plastic bag full of metabolic booster diet pills... And you guys thought that I had learned my lesson...

Guess not.

I shove it inside my suitcase and make my way to the closest bathroom that I can find.

As I’m walking, the only thought that goes through my head is how fuckin’ _stupid_ I’m being right now.

~ ~ ~

The second I lock myself in the bathroom stall, I begin rummaging through my carry-on suitcase.

I feel like I’m gonna go into a full on anxiety attack at this point... That’s why I’m doing this.

When I find the compartment where I put the plastic bag from the CVS, I pull it out, and grab the bottle inside.

I’m a fuckin’ idiot for doing this, but it’s a one time thing! It’s just for right now! I’m not gonna be in this situation tomorrow... This is for this moment. I swear to god I’m only taking these today and I’m throwing the bottle out before we board the flight! No one is gonna see it. That’s why I’m doing it in here.

Look, I’m so goddamn paranoid about all of the fuckin’ sitting that I freaked out and bought metabolic boosters! It feels necessary. I’ll feel less anxious if I do this. Please, just hear me out. I need to do this. I need to do this.

I _need_ to do this—-

I’m suddenly remembering that I told DJ I was just buying a drink, and who the hell knows how much time I’ve wasted... God, I’m gonna have to find a good way out of this one.

Before I panic even more, I open the bottle, spill a handful of capsules into my hand, and without reading the directions on the bottle, wash them down with the laxative laced water I brought from home.

I immediately unlock the stall, and throw the nearly empty bottle in the trash can near the sink.

The last thought that goes through my head before I head back out is that I probably made a really bad decision.

I am _so fucked_.

~ ~ ~

_One hour later:_

So, we’ve been on the plane for about an hour, and I can conclude with confidence that I did, indeed, make a really bad decision.

I’m not exactly sure what the hell is in those pills I decided to take, but whatever it was, is fucking with my head and my body so bad right now.

I thought I would be less anxious after taking them since they increase your metabolism. It was that thought that relieved my anxiety. However, I’m not feeling calmer at all. I’m actually feeling more panicked than I was before.

There must have been a shit load of caffeine in those things because I swear to god my heart is about to pop right out of my chest. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it beat this fast in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this jittery in my life, and trust me, that’s saying something because with all of the caffeine I’ve drank, I’ve been used to the jitters, but not like this. I can’t stop blinking. My hands are shaking. I’m sweating. This feels like borderline tweaking... My head is also pounding really badly and I feel slightly nauseous... and that just has so many negative memories attached to it...

What’s even freakier than all of that is how I almost feel disconnected from reality at the same time. I’m so high strung, jittery, and hyper aware of everything, but I also feel out of touch with my body. That probably sounds weird, but it’s hard to explain. It’s like... I almost feel drugged. I’m out of it and hyper focused at the same time.

All I can say is thank god the three of us aren’t all in the same row of this plane, or else this would be a shit show. Nikki would start interrogating me about something and DJ would probably just freak out.

 _Fuck_ , now that I think about it, they’re probably both so suspicious right now after the shit that I pulled at the airport! I had to come up with something really pathetic to say when I came back to the waiting area after god knows how long... I ended up using the excuse that I got so distracted while I was walking around... Nikki already knew I was jittery as fuck and asked how much caffeine I had today, and I just wanted to run away at that point because I already had coffee before this shit. If he fuckin’ knew how much I _actually_ had... That would be the end of me, I swear to god.

I’m also slightly relieved that they’re not around me right now to try to force food on me... Especially because I don’t think I could even stomach anything right now at all. I feel sick and I’m not proud of this. I’m really not fond of my tendency to make impulsive decisions, because this is what happens. I make a decision without thinking and then I end up regretting it. It’s my fault though, so I have to deal with the consequences.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts by a sudden nudge on the back of my seat. It didn’t just throw me off guard. Since I’m so fuckin’ jittery, it scared the crap outta me and I caught myself jumping out of my seat.

I swear my heart skipped at least three beats and this is really embarrassing...

“Psst! How’s it goin’ over there, buddy?”

It only takes me a few seconds to recognize the voice from behind me, and when I do I feel like a complete idiot.

 _How_ did I fuckin’ forget that DJ’s seat was actually right behind me?!

This is what I mean about feeling disconnected and out of it.... I obviously saw where he and Nikki sat when we boarded the plan, but my brain must have not processed it or something. My god, this is really freaking me out.

I force a smile that I hope looks genuine, even though DJ can’t even see me.

“Nothin’ much is happening here. Not too exciting.”

Oh.... if _only_ he knew.

“Oh, well... Just wanted to say hi.”

_Okay.... great. Well, you did, so can you leave me alone now so I can suffer in peace and not have to pretend I’m okay. My head is exploding and you’re forcing me to act like I feel completely normal right now and that I don’t feel like I’m about to jump right out of my skin._

Just having those thoughts go through my head is making me feel like such an asshole. DJ didn’t even do anything wrong. This is my own fuckin’ fault that this is happening.

“So... Uh... Not tryin’ to be creepy and stalk ya’ but... Have you eaten anything yet?”

Oh god, do I just want to groan so loud right now. I should have known he was gonna eventually ask.

I spit out an answer almost as fast as my head is spinning right now.

“I got snacks with me, bud. I’m good.”

Apparently he doesn’t like that answer, because he immediately responds with a hint of suspicion in his voice.

“Yeah? Whatcha got? Is it....”. He pauses. “Protein bars?”

I can feel my whole body tense up even more than it was before just as he says that. Now I’m convinced that my heart is about to pop right outta me. I can’t even think straight right now.

 _This is it, James. You’re fucked_.

Before I could say something back, DJ lets out a light laugh and nudges the back of my seat again.

“I’m just messin’ with ya!” He stretches his hand over my seat and hands me a menu. “But, dude, seriously. The food on this plane is so good. You should order something.”

_Oh yes, great idea DJ! It’s not that I’m fuckin’ nauseous or anything right now. It’s not like I’m freaking the hell out about sitting so long that the idea of eating anything right now feels like a death sentence. No, no! It’s fine! It’s a perfect idea! Good job, buddy! You outdid yourself with this one!_

I have a weird feeling that he’s gonna push me and bug the shit outta me unless I say I’ll order something. God, at this point what do you expect? He’s acting like a mother hen right now... Him and Nikki both, even though Nikki isn’t even near us right now, I bet he’s still thinking like that.

I sigh and take the menu from him.

“Alright. I’ll see what they have...”

God dammit this is not what I want to be doing right now. This flight was already a shit show to begin with but now I just feel fuckin’ screwed.

God help me.

I start scanning through the menu and I’m beginning to wonder if DJ is actually gonna keep checking up to see if I eat what I order... Even worse, is he gonna stalk me to see what I actually order? Will he flip his lid if I order a plain salad with grilled chicken in it? If I absolutely have no choice and have to eat something, that’s a safe choice for me because it’s just protein. I don’t count lettuce as anything. The protein feels okay to have since it doesn’t do anything to your blood sugar levels, and it will conserve my muscles while I’m forced to fuckin’ sit here for god knows how many more hours...

“Did ya find anything yet?”

I pause, as I contemplate how I’m gonna respond without raising suspicions.

“Uh... Yeah I did, actually!” I close the menu and give it back to DJ. “I’m gonna order it now.”

_Please don’t ask what I ordered._

_Please don’t._

_God dammit, please don’t ask—-_

“Oh, good. I don’t give a shit what ya’ have. Honestly as long as you’re eating, that makes me happy.”

I feel like a huge weight just got lifted off of my shoulders, but I also have a feeling the thoughts that are going through his head are not parallel to what he expressed out loud...

~ ~ ~

_One hour later:_

The second the huge, leafy, green salad is placed in front of me, I begin to wonder if I could get away with hiding half of it, or if DJ is gonna spy on me.

I’m not excited about this right now. There’s no part of me that wants to do this. There’s no part of me that even wants to look at the damn salad. I don’t want anything to do with it. I feel nauseous and seeing the food isn’t fuckin’ helping, and seeing it is just reminding me of how I’m just sitting here without being able to expel any energy...

_Fuck... Brain... Stop... Please..._

Why am I even bothering to ask it to shut up when I know very well that it’s not gonna listen to me? Why even bother?

My leg is continuing to bounce up and down in my seat, just like it’s been doing this whole time, but now it’s just worse. My heart is racing even faster. I’m feeling even hotter. Now let’s just add some more irrational thoughts to this equation!

I suddenly have this weird sense of urgency, to just get this whole thing over with. I immediately grab my fork and forcefully jab it into the first piece of chicken that I see. My whole body is cringing as I put the fork to my mouth, and a part of me feels like I’m just about to die right now.

I can’t even taste the damn food right now. I just feel like I’m chewing on nothing. I have absolutely no appetite because those pills fucked me up, so it feels like a brick sitting in my stomach. How sad is that? One minuscule piece of grilled chicken feels like a heavy brick. Tell that to a normal person. I would be sent away in a heartbeat.

I already know this is gonna turn out really badly if all I ate was one piece of chicken and I can feel my stomach rejecting it.

I’m hoping that if I eat slowly, it might be easier on me... I just hope DJ doesn’t keep checking up on me. He’ll definitely call me out on my “weird eating.”

I don’t know how long it’s gonna take for me to eat this whole thing, but all I know is that it’s not gonna make a damn thing better.

It’s definitely not gonna make my anxiety better. It’s just enhancing all of my urges to compensate...

Every, single, fuckin’ one.

The only thing I can hope for is that it somehow finds a way to distract me from the effects of the goddamn pills, because I’m telling you right now...

...I’m starting to wonder if this the universe’s way of punishing me for all of the bad things I’ve done.

~ ~ ~

_One hour later:_

Oh god... I don’t know how much longer I can deal with these side effects. I thought it was gonna be hard to have to sit without these pills, but holy fuck... I’ve been fidgeting around for this whole flight so far. I don’t think I’ve gotten myself to stay still once. I don’t feel any different than two hours ago which is even freakier. I don’t even know how long these side effects are supposed to last for a normal dose... Of course I couldn’t have just taken the normal fuckin’ dose. I had to go take almost half the damn bottle!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I keep trying to close my eyes because for some reason all of my senses are enhanced. The lights on the plane seem too damn bright which is just making the headache I have even worse. Everyone’s voices seem louder. I’m aware of every sensation I’m feeling... That weird salad that I forced myself to eat earlier is not digesting... My body just isn’t working right at all right now, and I’m not livin’ for this. I don’t fuckin’ like this at all! There is no part of me that feels comfortable...

If I drank water, would it dilute the caffeine? Would it drown it out and help flush it out of me? This is probably the only time that I wish I didn’t have caffeine in me, I swear. I always want caffeine. I live for caffeine. My blood is caffeine, but right now I don’t want anything to do with it. I want it gone.

God, you have _no_ fuckin’ idea how much I wish I could exercise all of this goddamn jittery energy off right now. I just need to get it out... Sweat it out... Purge it out....

All of my thoughts stop for a second, as I focus on that one.

_‘Purge it out?’_

I want to roll my eyes, because I told myself that I wouldn’t fuckin’ purge unless it was absolutely _necessary_.

_‘James... no.’_

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s really not necessary right now, since all I ate was protein. There’s no need to do it. All the protein will do is conserve my muscles. It doesn’t do anything else. If I could shake my head at my brain I would.

_‘No. That’s a stupid idea, James. Don’t fuckin’ do it.’_

But.... the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to wonder.... or should I say, _obsess_.

_‘It doesn’t matter what you ate. You fuckin’ ate and you shouldn’t have eaten because you’re just sitting here doing nothing and since you couldn’t exercise anything off it will just fester inside of you, and contaminate you just like that goddamn pizza that you ate did—-‘_

All I want to in this moment is scream.

_‘No, no, no... Not the pizza. Don’t bring up the goddamn pizza! Please!’_

I suddenly feel a wave of nausea and realize that if I did decide to purge, it would be super quick and easy since I feel like I’m about to barf anyway...

That’s the last thought that goes through my head before I begin making my way towards the airplane lavatory. I have no fuckin’ clue where it is and I really hope that DJ isn’t suspecting anything right now. I hope he doesn’t see me walking through the full fuckin’ plane right now.

I guess I just got lucky because it only took about 2 minutes for me to find the door with the bathroom logo on it... and oh my god, can I just admit how cringe this whole thing feels right now?

Purging in itself is embarrassing enough, but in a fuckin’ airplane? I don’t even want to face the fact that I’m about to fuckin’ do this right now. Like... am I actually serious right now? Am I seriously about to fuckin’ purge in an airplane bathroom?! This is so humiliating, but apparently not enough because here I am!

I am literally a walking mental case, and I’m embarrassed for every single person who knows me.

~ ~ ~

When it’s all over, I stare at my reflection in the grungy looking mirror, and just want to punch myself, because if I thought I fucked up earlier with the pills, I hate to say, that was just the start of it.

I popped a fuckin’ blood vessel in one of my eyes. It’s bloodshot. It’s only one, and my eyes have been bloodshot from this before but not like this...

This is..... _very_ bad.

I am so humiliated, and also still shitting myself thinking about what I just did! I fuckin’ did this on a goddamn airplane, and popped a blood vessel in my eye. Now I’m expected to hide that too, and only god knows how I’m gonna do that because I have a feeling this isn’t just gonna go away as fast as the usual red eyes do... This looks terrible.

 _Fuck_ , I’m an idiot.

Now, my throat hurts, I have the taste of acid in my mouth, and I kind of just want to die.

My stomach also hurts really bad, and I forgot to mention that the laxative water I drank earlier fuckin’ kicked in while this was happening, so can you imagine how glorious this whole thing was?

The only good thing I’m thinking right now is that I might have expelled a good amount of energy while purging, and I could have sworn I saw half digested capsules mixed in with my vomit. If I threw up some of those pills, that honestly would make me feel better... It _really_ would.

Trust me... I’m never taking those again. I swear to god if I don’t learn my lesson from this, then there is no hope for me to ever learn from the shit I put myself through.

On another note... I’m kinda scared to leave the bathroom because I’m not sure if I should be prepared for DJ to ask questions... Honest to god, I don’t think I even have any good answers left.

God fuckin’ help me.

I’m just gonna have to keep my sunglasses on to hide my eyes and act as naturally as I possibly can...

~ ~ ~

After about ten minutes, I somehow manage to make my way back to my seat. As I walk past DJ, he gives me the cheesiest smile and all I can say to myself is how grateful I am that he didn’t ask me anything.

Instead, he just nudges the back of my seat... again.

“Psst! Only seven more hours!”

The excitement in his voice is just making me more anxious, because it’s all hitting me right now.

I’ve only been on this plane for three hours and all of this shit already went down. I don’t feel any better than I did when I first got on. I still feel nauseous, despite barfing, and that headache I had is worse. Honestly, purging probably didn’t help that, but what am I gonna do now? I can’t change it.

All I know is that I’m gonna have to sit here and deal with this for another _seven_ hours....

I suddenly feel a sharp burning sensation creeping up my throat, and I feel like I might cry.

It’s in moments like this when certain songs we’ve written come to mind... Songs like ‘Pray For Me.’

_‘Pray for me, cause I don’t want to...._  
_Pray for me.’_

The lyrics are swimming through my head right now, along with everything else, as I find myself curling into a ball. I squeeze my eyes shut.

_‘If you love me, cross your heart and hope that I don’t die before the best day of my life...’_

The eerie relevance of it all is doing nothing but making my stomach churn.

_‘Just pray for me, tonight.’_

Because, trust me....

I could use all the prayers you got at this point.


	24. Rise ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s when I catch a quick glance of DJ’s face, and I see his look of suspicion and concern, that I feel weighed down with shame.
> 
> I need to get myself together...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... this chapter took me literally forever to write (because writers block is just great!!!!) so I’m just feeling accomplished now that I finally finished! 
> 
> Usual TW applies... by now you should know the deal! (Eating disorders, specific side effects of behaviors, etc) 
> 
> I had a lot of fun with this one so I hope you guys like it!

_Paris, France_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_10:00am:_

We made it to Paris... successfully.

Well, I would say it was successful for Nikki and DJ, but for me.... _not_ so much.

I have no goddamn clue how I managed to make it through the rest of that flight, but all I know is that it was the most torturous flight I’ve ever taken in my entire life. Of course, we all know that I caused the whole shit show myself, but that doesn’t take away how excruciating it was.

The first three hours of that flight were horrible to begin with, but the last seven... Holy shit.

After purging in the goddamn airplane bathroom and discovering that I popped a blood vessel in one of my eyes, I just felt worse than I originally had. I came back to my seat and after a few minutes, I started feeling acid creep up my throat, and I can say with confidence that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced acid reflux like that before in my life. It burned so bad that I thought I was gonna start crying. My whole chest burned, like there was some kind of fire spreading throughout. When it started to creep up my throat though.... That’s when I really felt like I was gonna die.

I probably sound like I’m exaggerating, but I swear to god, I’m not making this up. I was just in so much pain, and didn’t know what else to do besides curl myself up and try to relax.

Of course, remember that we’re talking about me here, so the word ‘relax’ isn’t in my vocabulary. It’s hard enough for me to chill out on a normal day, so can you fuckin’ imagine the effort I had to make last night after taking all of those pills?

I had thought that I threw some of them up, but I don’t think enough came out, because it felt like all of the symptoms just lasted an eternity. I didn’t know when the hell it was going to end, and I knew I had no choice but to just wait it out, but my god.... I am telling you right now, I am never taking them again.

The rest of the flight just felt like a blur to me, because all I did was fidget around with a pounding headache. DJ nudged my seat occasionally and would start talking, but just using the energy to open my mouth and speak made me feel worse physically. I tried to act natural and I tried to not sound rude, but I was in so much pain that I just wanted to fuckin’ scream. I thought I was gonna end up snapping at him, but luckily I didn’t.

Let me just say, I was so relieved when the plane landed, and we got settled into our hotel rooms.

The second that I got phone reception back, I opened up google on my phone and started looking up information about the pills that I bought, because there was this sense of urgency in me to find out what the hell I even took.

When I bought them, I didn’t read the directions, or the ingredients, or anything. I just opened the bottle and took them. Then, I threw the bottle out, so I had no idea what was even in those things until last night.

_Oh... my god._

I felt like my heart skipped a beat when I first read the ingredients, because part of me was convinced that the website made a mistake. I had already assumed that there was caffeine in those things, but I had no fuckin’ clue how much.

When I saw the amount of caffeine that were in those pills, I swear, I thought I was gonna shit myself. The website said that there was 200 milligrams per serving... That’s equivalent to around two cups of coffee.

I can’t fuckin’ believe that I didn’t look on the instructions before taking those... The caffeine content on the bottle was only for _THREE_ pills!

I took like.... _fifteen_ of them!

No wonder I felt like absolute shit.... I took pills with the equivalent of TEN cups of coffee! Ten _fuckin’_ cups!

What in the world was I thinking?!

Man, and I thought that I regretted taking them when I was feeling all of those effects on the flight... Well, I can say that I _definitely_ regret it even more right now, because the crash is strong...

The effects didn’t start wearing off until hours after the flight... It was freaky as hell that it took that long, but it was even freakier how fast it wore off when it did.

It actually reminds me a lot of my Bipolar. When I go from manic episodes to depressive episodes, it doesn’t happen gradually. No, no. It just goes from one extreme right down to the other... like a swinging pendulum.

That’s exactly what this felt like.

The exhaustion just hit me like a pile of bricks, after being in the hotel room for a few hours, and when it did, I took advantage of it and attempted to lay down to sleep.

This is the first time in what feels like forever that I actually got a few decent hours of sleep. It’s really pathetic when I realize it takes something so drastic and extreme for that to be able to happen. That’s just sad.

I had my alarm on my phone set for 8:00am, because the three of us have to go to an interview in a few hours... It’s 10:00am right now, and I’m questioning how the fuck I’m gonna make it through that.

It took me a while to wake up this morning. The exhaustion that I’m hit with is so heavy and powerful, that I couldn’t get myself to move out of bed. The only other times that happens is when I’m having a depressive episode, so I’ll just be honest and say that I’m not fond of the memories that this is bringing up right now.

The first thing I did when I got myself up was go in the bathroom and take a cold shower, because I thought that the cold water would jolt my body awake. It did for the first few minutes, but then it just wore off. Of course with my luck, something that would work normally for most people just wouldn’t work for me.

It was hard to even wash myself in there because of how fuckin’ tired I was, and not to mention, extremely sore. Yes, I’m still sore from exercising. Of course I am. What else would I expect anyway?

The worst part of all of this is that it’s two hours later, and I don’t feel any more awake. In fact, I just feel worse now. You would think that with time, the crash would wear off, especially after being able to sleep some of it off, but that’s _bullshit_.

I feel like I’m having a caffeine hangover or something... if there’s even such a thing. You know what? There probably is such a thing, especially if you’ve consumed as much caffeine that I did!

I’m literally just staring at myself in the bathroom mirror right now, and I feel so much dread. I look like a mess.

Even though I slept a bit, those dark circles are as prominent as ever, and guess what? That goddamn blood vessel that I popped in my eye is _still_ bad! It’s been at least ten hours and it hasn’t gotten any better.

As if that wasn’t enough, my hair is looking so terrible. I know it’s thinning out, because so much of it falls out when I’m showering, or even when I lay in bed, I’ll notice some strands near my pillow. However, I never really take the time to observe it, and right now I am. Its... bad. It looks uneven and choppy. It looks dry. It just looks like shit.

Honestly, I just look like shit.

I look like shit and feel like shit.

I’m so fuckin’ exhausted right now that I can hardly keep my eyes open. They keep drooping shut, and my body has little to no energy whatsoever. I’m also shivering right now because even though I took that shower almost two hours ago, my body doesn’t know how to regulate it’s temperature any-more, so I feel like I’m in the Arctic right now.

How pathetic does that sound?

It’s _August_.

It’s the fuckin’ summertime, and I’m standing here, shivering. I’m wearing a freakin’ jacket over my two shirts. Yes, you heard me correctly. I did say two shirts. I’m cold enough to wear multiple layers right now, and I’m so close to getting another one to add on.

I’m supposed to meet Nikki and DJ in the hotel lobby in a half hour, and I’m still trying to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to function normally for an interview.

I’m gonna have to keep my sunglasses on the whole time, again, just like I did in the flight. I can’t believe my eye hasn’t improved. If I had eye drops that would be great, but I don’t, and I’m pissed at myself for not planning ahead better. Now it’s up to me to just keep spitting out stupid excuses, and honestly, I don’t even know if they’re believable anymore, but I still feel compelled to cover up my tracks.

As for my pounding headache, I’ll just end up taking ibuprofen, but who knows how long it’ll help for. It usually doesn’t work for migraine-like headaches the same way it does for normal ones...

I’m so fuckin’ tired! I don’t want to do anything right now....

I just feel pretty screwed right now.

Wish me luck.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

I’m standing in the hotel lobby with Nikki, waiting for James, because we have to get our butts to an interview in fifteen minutes, and I can’t help but just bubble with excitement.

We’re finally in fuckin’ Europe!

I’m so pumped. The interview we’re going to is actually gonna be aired on live television, so that’s always fun! I think we’re supposed to end with an acoustic performance of one of our songs... I’m not sure which one yet, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll be happy with whichever one they decide on.

On another note, I can’t help but keep on thinking about our flight here. It was long.

James was acting... weird at the airport yesterday. He was extremely jittery, and even once we boarded the plane, I could tell he couldn’t sit still. My seat was actually right behind him, so I was able to hear him fidget and I saw his seat move.

I kinda took advantage of my seat close to him, so I could check up on him. I didn’t want to be annoying and pesky, but I also worry about him, so every once in a while I nudged his seat and started talking to him. I hope I wasn’t too irritating.

If I was, it probably wasn’t until I had asked him about food.

I know. I know... I wanted to ask him about food before we even boarded the plane, but I felt like it really would have escalated the jitters he already had if I did, so I waited ‘til we were flying.

I didn’t want to come off as an overbearing parent, because obviously I’m younger than him, but I just felt the need to subtly push food on him.

Look, I know he seems to be doing a lot better with eating, but I still worry. Also, I know it’s probably unrealistic to expect someone to be able to gain a significant amount of weight in three weeks, but James doesn’t look any different than he did the night we had that intervention. I don’t know if part of me was even expecting him to, but for some reason it still made my stomach drop a bit when I saw how thin he still was.

Since all of this was going on in my head, there was no way that I would have gone that whole flight without asking if he ate anything. I tried to be casual about it, and gave him the menu to look through.

He didn’t fight with me or anything. He just took it and ordered, so that put my mind a little more at ease.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts, by Nikki’s voice.

“You excited, D?”

Apparently I’m not that good at hiding my excitement. I think everyone knows by now how happy I get when I travel to Europe, as if it wasn’t obvious.

I give him a cheesy grin, as I rub my hands together.

“You bet.”

It suddenly hits me how long the two of us have been waiting down here, and I’m really starting to wonder what the hell is taking James so long to join us.

“Ohh, there he is!”

My head snaps up at Nikki’s voice, and that’s when I see James making his way into the lobby. I really have an urge to ask what he was doing up there, but I don’t because I’m too distracted by what he’s wearing. He looks like he’s ready to brave the freakin’ cold.

I’m actually feeling warm just looking at him. I can already feel my eyebrows raising, as I decide to crack a joke.

“Dude! You’re dressed for the fuckin’ winter. Aren’t you hot?!”

All I get is a stare from James. I wonder if he’s rolling his eyes at me from under his sunglasses.

Then, the reality of an unfortunate possibility hits me.

“Oh... no...”. I shake my head, and feel his forehead, before he snatches my hand away. “Don’t tell me you’re—-“

James must have known what I was about to say, because he immediately cuts me off, as he playfully nudges me.

“No, I’m not sick, DJ...”. He shakes his head and laughs lightly. “I took a really cold shower, and I never shower in cold water...”. He cringes. “I don’t think my body knew how to respond!”

_Uh.... Okay, then..._

“Alright, you stinkers.” Nikki puts his arms around both of us, and starts leading us outside. “Let’s go.”

~ ~ ~

Well, we just arrived at the studio, and I’ll just say that the ride here was... interesting.

Me and Nikki were cracking jokes, and made a few stupid videos for our instagrams, but James just wasn’t there. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was falling asleep. He just seems really out of it, and that’s pretty rare for him. Honestly, just him sleeping is rare for him.

I _really_ hope he’s not getting sick.

“Bonjour! Bonjour!”

My train of thought is interrupted by a heavy French accent, coming from a chipper dude who I’m pretty sure is gonna be the one to interview us. His excitement makes me smile.

“Oh, I am so excited that you’re all here!” He puts his hand out and the three of us exchange shakes.

I nod, happily. “So am I.” I look out the window, which gives an amazing view of Paris. “I love it here.”

My happiness increases the second I hear James start to speak French. He honestly never fails to amaze me.

“Merci de nous recevoir!”

Can I tell ya a funny secret?

When I was little, I always thought that French people sounded like they had stuffy noses... Don’t tell anyone that though.

James grins and turns to Nikki.

“Parlez-vous francais?”

Nikki rolls his eyes and nudges him playfully.

“He’s just trying to make me look bad.” He shakes his head, and smiles at the interviewer. “It’s a pleasure to be here.”

That receives a wide grin from the man in front of us.

“Well, you three can get yourself settled... Relax. Make yourself comfortable...”. He leads us to a comfy looking maroon couch. There’s a coffee table right in front of it, and it’s covered with an elaborate-looking platter of French pastries. I can feel my mouth watering.

To be honest, I could _totally_ go for one of those right now.

The dude must have read my mind because he immediately points to it.

“Help yourself to some food, if you’d like! I’ll let you know when it’s time to go on!”

I graciously thank him, as I excitedly reach for a warm, buttery, croissant. I don’t know if it’s the kid in me, but _damn_ , these are just too fuckin’ good!

I must be doing a bad job at hiding my excitement, because I feel a light nudge from James, and he gives me a smile.

“You enjoyin’ yourself, buddy?”

I just laugh back, grab another one, and reach it out to him.

“Fuck yes!” I grin. “Ya’ gonna have one?”

He shakes his head.

“Nah, I ate before.” He gives it back to me. “Maybe later, though.”

All that does is leave me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

After about ten minutes, I start to notice myself getting a little warm. I mean, what am I expecting? It’s August and it’s a bit humid here. James apparently doesn’t think the same, because he still has that fuckin’ jacket on. Even though it’s light, it’s still making me hot just looking at him.

“James, come on!” I shake my head. “It’s fuckin’ hot in here. Take the damn jacket off—-“

I’m just about to playfully snatch it off, but he immediately nudges my hand away.

“DJ, I’ll be fine!” He laughs, but even I can tell it sounds a bit forced. “Please...”

Before I can say anything else, our interviewer pats my back.

“We’re going live in five minutes!”

~ ~ ~

A camera is placed right in front of us, the lights brighten, and our interviewer gives us a thumbs up.

“Bonjour! I’m James Michael.”

“I’m DJ Ashba.”

“Nikki Sixx.”

The three of us smile in unison.

“And thanks for tuning in!”

I always think it’s so cool when the interviewers want us to do the introduction. The only problem is that whenever we do, we always struggle figuring out who’s gonna be the one to start.

I’m happy James did, because honestly, I just wanted to hear him speak French again.

“So, tell me... I know you’ve been touring for about three months now...”. Our interviewer smiles. “You’re also releasing a new album soon. What can we expect from ‘Prayers for the Damned’ Volume Two?”

I automatically jump in.

“Well, actually, it has a different name.” I smile and continue. “Prayers for the Damned’ Volume One, is the album that’s out now. It’s a double record...”

Nikki chimes in to finish my thought.

“They _do_ work together, though.” He nods his head and looks at me. “The artwork was designed by DJ—-“

I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to bust his balls, so I take it. I clear my throat, and nudge him.

“Can you speak up? I didn’t hear ya’.”

Nikki just looks at me, shakes his head, and repeats himself, louder.

“The artwork was designed by DJ.”

I smile with satisfaction and let out a blissful, “Yes!”

I can already tell that James is trying to hold back his laugh because of our wise ass jokes. He looks up and sarcastically shakes his head.

“Wowwww!”

I point to him.

“ _And_ it was fantastically mixed and produced by James!” I nudge him, playfully, and he gives me a grin.

There’s a short period of silence, until Nikki blurts out.

“I played bass on both!”

The three of us just look at each other and start cracking up.

Of course, the time that we’re being interviewed on live television, we spend the first five minutes goofin’ off. What else is new with being in this band?

After a few more introduction questions about touring and what we’ve liked the most about it so far, our interviewer brings back the topic of my artwork.

“So, DJ, can you tell us a little more about your album design?”

_Of course I can._

I grin widely as I start speaking.

“Uh... So, like Nikki mentioned before, I did create the album covers for both albums...”. I give Nikki a subtle smirk and continue. “...and it’s really cool because they stand alone, but once you put them together, it becomes a bigger picture.” I smile. “So, it’s pretty cool.”

A few minutes pass, and we answer more questions. Right now, Nikki is in the middle of talking about Sixx:AM’s tendency to find hope in the darkness.

As he’s speaking, I look over at James, who has his hand pressed into his cheek. He’s been awfully quiet for this whole interview so far, and that’s when I make a realization.

I wish I didn’t. I could feel my eyes beginning to bug out.

_Are you fuckin’ kidding me right now?_

Good thing he’s wearing sunglasses right now, or else this would be a shit show. All I can think to myself is that there is _no_ way that he’s fuckin’ dozing off in the middle of our interview...

In an attempt to make this as subtle as possible, I give him a light kick from under the table.

His head immediately snaps up, and he turns his head to face me.

I’m trying my best to not give him a look, since were on fuckin’ TV right now, so I just smile... but _trust me_ , I want to shake him so bad right now.

Instead, I subtly mouth to him.

_‘Dude.’_

I snap my eyes over to the interviewer, who looks like he’s about to ask James a question.

“I want to go back to your double record! As the producer, can you tell me how this whole thing came to be? What’s the connection between volume one and volume two?”

Honestly, this is perfect timing, because now he’ll have to stay awake to answer it.

James immediately clears his throat and starts his explanation.

“Volume two is actually a continuation of volume one.” He takes a sip of his water. “When we went into the studio, we very intentionally wrote and recorded two separate records that would work together, but the message continues throughout.” He fidgets around a bit, as if he’s trying to get himself comfortable, and continues. “It’s not like we went in and recorded one record, and there were a few other songs that we decided to polish up and put on another record...”.

It’s impressive how even when James is out of it, he can still speak so eloquently and passionately about producing. If I didn’t see him falling asleep a few minutes ago, I never would have even guessed that was happening after listening to him right now.

That doesn’t take away the fact that I’m confused and concerned about it...

I decide to jump in to try to prevent my head from spiraling.

“The cool thing about what we did is that we went in to make two stand alone records...”. I pause, as I think about how I’m gonna formulate my explanation. “You know, every great movie has a great beginning, middle, and end...”. I clear my throat. “It’s the same with these albums. They go together, but they can stand alone too.” I smile. “If you just listen to volume one without hearing volume two, I think you’ll be completely, hopefully, satisfied.”

Nikki jumps right in.

“It’s the same as if you only heard volume two without hearing our first one. They can stand alone, even though they go together.”

I nod my head, excitedly.

“But... man. When you listen to them both in a row...”. I can feel my whole body filling up with joy. “...it’s gonna be such an experience... It’s gonna be cool.”

The interviewer looks at all of us and I can tell that he’s just beaming with bliss and satisfaction. He widely grins as he thanks the three of us, and announces our special surprise for our audience... Ya know, the little performance we’re supposed to do! I’m pumped!

“We will be back in a few minutes, with a special acoustic performance from Sixx:AM! Stay tuned!”

The cameras stop rolling, and I’m left feeling satisfied that we had another fun interview.

James, on the other hand....

_Not so much._

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

The second that sentence came out of that man’s mouth, I could feel my stomach drop and my eyes widen.

If I thought I was screwed before, I was _very_ sadly mistaken.

For some reason, my brain must have not processed the information about this interview when we were all told about it a week ago, because I had no idea that this was gonna be aired on live television...

...and I _definitely_ didn’t prepare myself for a live performance, either!

It was bad enough trying to stay awake and alert during the interview itself, but now...

I’m getting convinced that this is gonna be the end of it for me.

I would have drank some coffee earlier to jolt me awake, but I think even the stupidest person wouldn’t do that after the experience I had with caffeine in the first place! Right now I’m fuckin’ terrified and don’t even want to think of caffeine, but that’s a problem, because I’m still so damn out of it.

At least during the interview, I didn’t have to answer every single question. They’re shared between the three of us, so they jumped in when they felt like it. I’m exhausted, but I was still able to answer a few questions and hold a conversation.... normally. It was ridiculously hard to focus, but I still managed to spit answers out.

But, performing... Singing? This isn’t the same. You need a completely higher level of focus and concentration to do this. I’m pissed at myself for not remembering that this was part of this interview, and I’m freaking out because I don’t know how I’m gonna pull this one off!

We only have a few minutes until we’re supposed to be back out there, and only god knows how much time I’ve wasted already. I need to think and I need to think quick.

I can already feel my impulses bubbling up, and the rational side of me knows that what I’m about to do probably isn’t the smartest... but... are you even surprised right now?

I quickly grab my empty water bottle off of the table, and start making my way to the bathroom.

I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t notice Nikki’s suspicious stare and hear DJ calling my name. I’m just gonna really pretend that I didn’t notice them, but that’s putting a lot of pressure on myself, especially because now I know I have to be extra quick in here.

I swear to god, if one of them come in and catch me....

I close the bathroom door and shake my head.

_James, let’s not give yourself a panic attack now._

Without thinking, I immediately turn on the faucet of the sink, and fill the water bottle to the brim.

I’m once again, cringing, as the reality of what I’m about to do hits me.

I chug the full bottle down in one swing, lock myself into the first stall, and lower myself down as I lift the lid of the toilet seat.

I know.... I know. You’re asking me, ‘James, is this _really_ necessary right now?’

‘You said you would only do it if it’s absolutely necessary.’

Well, I’m breaking the news to you. This is pretty fuckin’ necessary right now! If anything is gonna give me a jolt of energy, it’s _this_.

Remember.... the adrenaline rush?

It’s _very_ necessary right now.

And, honestly, even if it only lasts for five minutes, that’s perfectly fine. That’s all the time I need to get through one song.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

“What’s takin’ him so long in there?”

I snap my head up, at Nikki, who looks very focused on getting his bass in tune.

I check the time on my phone, which indicates that we’re supposed to be performing one of our songs in less than five minutes. It didn’t hit me that James has been gone the whole time we’ve been on a break, until right now.

Nikki looks at me with concern, as he continues tuning his bass.

“Go check on James. We got three minutes until we go back on.”

I don’t even want to admit this, but I have a weird pit in my stomach that’s telling me something ain’t right, but of course I’m trying to push that thought away as much as I can.

As I start making my way to the bathroom, I’m beginning to wish that Nikki could have finished tuning his bass before I finished my guitar, so then he would be the one doing this....

I just hate having my nerves up so much.

I can hear water running from outside the door, but the second that I’m about to open it, I find myself face to face with a smiling, and unusually energized James.

I think my heart skipped a beat because this definitely caught me off guard.

“Oh hey—“

I can’t even finish my sentence, before James jumps right in.

“I know I took a while, but I had to pee, and then figured I would just freshen up...”

I can’t stop staring at him, especially because he still has his sunglasses on, and I don’t understand why.

“You still keepin’ the sunglasses on?” I raise an eyebrow. “It’s really not that bright out today.”

He takes a breath and slowly sighs. “I know... It’s not that.” He shakes his head, as he rubs the back of it. “I’ve had a really bad migraine the whole day, and any light just enhances the pain, so this is the best I can do right now.”

“Migraine?” I bite my lip. “Are you sure you’re feelin’ okay?”

James automatically brushes the concern off and laughs. “I’m fine, I’m fine! It’s not a big deal.” He starts walking back to the table, as he gives me a wink. “Come on! We got a performance to do!”

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_‘Rise.’_

_That’s_ the song that we have to do an acoustic version of.

As I’m standing here, getting myself all loosened up, all I can think about in this moment is how much I’m begging internally for my voice to not sound raspy. I’m honest to god _pleading_. I can’t fuck this up. I finally got myself to feel alert enough to do this. I seriously can’t fuck this up now.

I hear DJ start strumming his guitar, and I quickly take a nice, long, gulp of my water.

I’m just trying to feel the music right now... I’m trying to get into it so I won’t focus so much on my thoughts.

Before I know it, it’s time for me to start singing. I close my eyes, and begin the first verse.

“Stand up... to the devil slowly rising... clear your throat now.... you could call for their demise...”

You know what? This ain’t too bad. I think I got this.

“Speak out.... Don’t let the status quo defy you... This is your world. Just put the fear back in their eyes...”

Before I know it, I’m swaying to the beat as I sing, and I almost forget how fuckin’ anxious I was for this. It’s crazy what music can do to people.

“Rise! Get yourselves together!”

“Rise! Stand up and live your life!”

It’s when I belt the chorus that I feel my throat hurting, but it’s okay. At least I sound okay.

“Rise up! It’s a dawn of a new day. Hands up, it’s gonna be okay...”

DJ is groovin’ to the music, and it’s making me smile seeing him so into it.

“Even when they strangle you, get yourselves together!”

I didn’t realize how much I’ve been swaying around until right now, but I don’t care. God, I’ll do anything to get out of my head for even a split second.

“Strike down all that oppose you! Look now, what if I told you... Even if they anger you, get yourselves together... Get yourselves together and—-“

Part of me doesn’t want this to end.

“Rise! Get yourselves together!”

“Rise! Stand up and live your life!”

“Rise! Get yourselves together!”

“Hands up. Hands up high!”

The second that we finish, I feel such a strong surge of energy rush through my body.

Nikki and DJ are looking at me with such huge smiles on their faces, our interviewer gives us a huge thumbs up, and I’m just standing here in slight shock that I somehow made it through that.

“That was just incredible! Sixx:AM everyone!”

The three of us say our thank you’s and give our goodbyes before heading back out to the car waiting for us at the entrance.

It’s only takes a few minutes for the adrenaline rush that I had, to start wearing off, and of course it doesn’t happen slowly.

I’m suddenly hit with a wave of pure exhaustion, that leads me to let out a long yawn.

_Jesus Christ.... Not again._

I’m noticing that I’m starting to feel weak, and my hands are shaky. That headache that I had earlier is back, and I’m suddenly really aware of how much my throat burns.

I should have really expected this to happen, especially since I assumed that I would only be energized long enough for the song. Thank god it lasted through the whole thing, but now I feel like shit, again.

You know what else just hit me?

How much of a hypocrite I feel like right now, because I sang that song.... The song of _empowerment_.

The thought gives me a huge chill up my spine, and I visibly shiver, as I wrap the light jacket I’m wearing tighter around me. I still feel ridiculously pathetic for being this cold in the middle of summer. If I had another jacket, I would have put that on too. I begin to curl myself up into my seat, letting my head rest on my arm.

It’s when I catch a quick glance of DJ’s face, and I see his look of suspicion and concern, that I feel weighed down with shame.

I _need_ to get myself together...


	25. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It just felt taunting, because there is this desperate longing that I have.... I wish I was able to just eat. It shouldn’t be this hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorders
> 
> Also, the lyrics in this are from the song ‘Drive’. Sixx Am did their own version of it, and I thought the words were really relevant for this chapter !

_1 week later_

DJ’s P.O.V:

I want to believe James is okay.

I really, _really_ , want to believe him when he says that he’s resting and that he ate already, whenever he rejects food. I want to believe that he’s doing better, and that he’s making an effort to take care of himself.

I want to, so _fuckin’_ bad, but there’s this part of me that doesn’t feel right about some things.

That interview last week _really_ got my nerves up. The way James was acting just made a huge pit form in my abdomen, but of course, I couldn’t show my anxiety. We were being filmed. It was hard to ignore, and push away the fact that he started to _fall asleep_ in the middle of it!

I was concerned enough when I saw him dozing off on the car ride to the studio, but during the actual interview? That was horrifying and just twisted my whole body up into knots. James is never tired... Well, you know what? That’s probably a lie. He’s been known to overwork himself, so I can guarantee that he’s tired a lot, but he never shows it.... ever.

Then.... Well, before he fell asleep, I offered him a croissant, because I know for me, I couldn’t resist one. He declined. His response?

_“Nah, I ate before.... Maybe later.”_

I hate to admit this, but I don’t know if I really believed him. I had a strong urge to ask if he _really_ ate, and what he ate, and when he ate—-

You know why? God, do you know why? I’m so hung up on the fact that he still looks sickly thin. I know I mentioned that already, but I can’t get that out of my head. Even though he was wearing a jacket, which by the way... That in itself sparked a crap ton of questions to begin with.

A jacket, in the middle of summer... _Why?_

He said he took a cold shower and that he never takes cold showers, so that confused his body. I get that, but even so, it’s the summer! I don’t understand how someone can be _that_ cold in August. And he probably doesn’t think that I saw that he had two shirts on... I was able to tell.

What’s worse is that even though he had all of those layers on, I could still see how... _emaciated_ he looked. I don’t like using that word because it kinda feels disgusting, but that’s what it looks like to me, and it makes me upset.

I really wanted him to give me proof that he did eat, because I was so goddamn worried. I was gonna ask him...

But, I held my impulses back, because I knew that making a scene in public right before a professional interview wouldn’t have been the best idea.

So, once again, I had to sit through something, feeling uneasy and slightly tense, because I had so much emotion held inside of me.

That wasn’t the only time this week that I had to do that, either.

Honestly, ever since that interview I feel like I’ve been noticing more and more things... and I don’t like them.

For example, the other night the three of us were hanging out backstage, and James was eating a chocolate bar, which shocked me, by the way. Not that long after, he seemed to be in pain, and obviously that concerned me, so I automatically asked if he was okay. Honestly, James is never really the kind of guy to show his pain, so this surprised me. He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t ask for help. I’ve known him for so long and he always wants to put up the front that he can handle everything on his own, so this stood out to me... a lot.

He kind of ignored the question at first, but I could tell that Nikki noticed too, so he prodded him too.

When James finally answered, you could literally hear the pain in his voice, even though I can tell he was trying to hide it.

_“It’s nothin’ really... My stomachs just been bothering me a lot, lately... I don’t think my body is used to eating this much...”_

He immediately ran to the bathroom after that.

I couldn’t help but feel a gnawing sensation in my stomach, because that’s along the lines of what he said that day at the restaurant.... He was taking those laxatives then, and... Oh my god, I don’t even want to have to think about that, but I have no choice. The situation was just too close for comfort.

It felt like deja vu, and it wasn’t the good kind.

There’s a huge part of me that feels compelled to say something to him, again, but I’m having the same fuckin’ internal conflict that I had the first time this happened.

My mind keeps spitting out _‘what ifs’_ and _‘maybes’_ ...

What if he _did_ actually eat earlier, like he told me at the interview. What if he ate when he was alone? He’s eaten around me a few times since me and Nikki confronted him, and it was a normal amount. He even ate the food like a normal person, so he could very easily be eating when we’re not around!

And... What if his stomach _is_ really bothering him because his body isn’t used to eating a substantial amount? I feel like that makes some sort of sense, because if someone’s been restricting food for a long time, don’t the muscles in your digestive track weaken? They don’t get used as much if hardly any food is being digested, so James’s body might be pretty confused right now. It probably forgot how to digest normal amounts of food because it doesn’t remember the last time it got a decent amount.

Maybe the laxatives fucked his stomach up too, even though he’s not using them anymore...

Despite all of this reasoning, there’s _still_ that part of me that doesn’t seem so sure... and I just keep asking myself, _‘why?’_

Why is there a part of me that thinks he might be lying?

~ ~ ~

_‘Who’s gonna tell you when it’s too late?_  
_Who’s gonna tell you things aren’t so great?’_

~ ~ ~

_Three days later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I gotta be honest. Things are kinda sucking right now.

This whole week has brought a whole new level of discomfort and torture... Not to mention, a lot of confusion.

I’ve been noticing a lot of weird things happening. I don’t think my body knows how to work the right way these days, and it’s not like it’s been very consistent since all of this crap started, but now... I don’t even know what to expect. It’s like my bipolar mood swings. You never know what you’re gonna get. It’s all unpredictable, and it’s freaking me out a bit.

Let me elaborate...

You remember that interview that we had a week ago? The one where I started dozing off during it? Also... _god_ , can I just express right now how fuckin’ humiliated I was and still am about that? Oh my god, that has _never_ , and I mean, NEVER, happened to me in the span of my whole career. I know I originally had worn the sunglasses to hide the stupid popped blood vessel from everyone, but thank god I did, because at least it wasn’t visible to the audience that my eyes were drooping shut!

Anyway, the interview. That interview was a shit show for too many reasons to count. I would rather not relive every single one of them. The crazy caffeine hangover that I had fucked with me so bad. When I got back to my hotel room that day, I was so goddamn exhausted that I actually just stayed there for the rest of the day. I wasn’t just exhausted... I felt weak, dizzy, and shaky. My head was pounding, acid burned my throat, and I was freezing cold.

Now, as if all of that wasn’t enough, my body decided to give me a real kick in the ass. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom for at least 15 minutes, because I had the fuckin’ shits. God, it felt never-ending, and I just moaned and had my head in my hands the whole goddamn time.

That brings me to another point... I notice that with me, things tend to be very ‘all or nothing.’ Everything is black or white.

Either I’m shitting myself from the laxatives, or I’m going a whole week without pooping.

Either I’m obsessed with drinking a ton of water as a way to cleanse myself, because I’m scared of retaining water, or I just avoid drinking anything at all because the fluids make me feel ‘full’ and I desperately crave that ‘emptied out’ feeling that purging or laxatives give me.

To prove my point even more about my body being completely unstable, let me remind you that the interview was a week ago. So, a week ago, I was having constant loose shits, and I kept having to make excuses whenever DJ or Nikki asked why I was running to the bathroom. I guess I’m not as good at hiding the stomach pain than I thought I was, because both of them said something to me.

I ended up using the typical, _“I’m not used to eating this much”_ lie, because let’s face it... Those two know that I wasn’t eating enough, so it seems realistic for your body to not know how to handle food again after restriction. The catch is that, I’m not actually keeping the food that I’m eating in front of them down, of course, but neither one of them know that...

I’m getting off topic...

The point is that, a week ago I was shitting constantly. Now, I’m fuckin’ constipated.

I’m pooping every day, but some days I just can’t pass it without straining so hard, that I start to sweat and my stomach cramps up... Sometimes, there’s actual _blood_ in my stool, and honestly, I think it’s my own fault for the ridiculous amount of insoluble fiber that I’m eating.

Look, I know... Despite what you guys might think, I do still eat. It’s just... very minuscule amounts, and there’s only a few things I’m comfortable keeping down when I do eat. They’re mostly protein products, like the bars or the powders, but another one is fiber.... obviously.

At first I thought that it would make me poop more, and that it would pass easier, remember? However, the problem with me is that I have no balance.

I went all the way to one extreme, just like I do with everything else.

Eating just insoluble fiber makes constipation _worse_ , because all it does is bulk up your stool.

Soluble fiber is what makes it pass easier because it adds water to it and softens it. However, since I’m _still_ terrified of eating fruit, I’m not getting any of that kind of fiber, so my stools are too big to pass.

Also, I’m sweating out a shit ton of fluids that I’m not replacing from exercise, because right now I’m on the _“let’s avoid drinking fluids because you want to feel emptied out”_ track. So, now I’m not getting enough water to pass the stool. It feels like I have huge rocks in my stomach that are stuck there, and it’s fuckin’ horrible. All that’s doing is making me feel more unsafe in my own body than I have been before, and trust me, it was terrible before.

I’m just really freakin’ confused right now, because I’m still taking the laxatives! If I’m taking those, why aren’t they fuckin’ working?! Okay, I get that the fiber might be backing me up, but wouldn’t the laxatives be helping with that? They have one goddamn job and they’re not doing it, so I’m just left feeling tortured and in pain.

Of course I’m constantly reminded that all of this shit is happening because of the stupid decisions that I’ve made, and all that does it make me feel even worse about myself... especially because I still haven’t found a strong enough reason to stop this shit.

~ ~ ~

_‘You can’t go on thinking nothings wrong.... Who’s gonna drive you home, tonight?’_

~ ~ ~

_5 days later:_

_2:00am_

I’m curled up in my bed, in my hotel room, wide awake, because my head is going in complete circles, and I can’t stop ruminating.

I’m exhausted right now. Actually, I feel like my energy level has dropped drastically in the last two weeks... I think ever since that incident at the airport with those fuckin’ pills, and the whole caffeine hangover, my body has just depleted itself.

I’m feeling tired out after our shows, which never used to happen. It’s harder for me to concentrate during interviews, and I feel like my brain is becoming fogged up a lot of the time.

I feel humiliated to admit this, but I’ve been drinking caffeine again, even after that shit show, because I got desperate for an energy rush. I don’t know what’s going on with my body, but it’s starting to scare me a little.

I’m not eating any less than I was when this leg of the tour started. Exercising is mostly the same... I mean, it’s not drastically different so there’s no reason for this to be happening. The laxative usage hasn’t changed. Meanwhile, my body is just plummeting.

The behaviors used to give me an adrenaline rush. They still do, but I’ve noticed that lately the rush is very short lived. I still get it, but it doesn’t last long, at all, so then I’ll repeat it over and over, but honestly all it does it drain me more.

I’m starting to feel a little bit.... _trapped._

You know what makes me feel even worse?

I still have some rationale that swims through my head from time to time. It’s kinda creeping in the back where it’s hard to find, but it’s there. Sometimes it’s easier to access than others, but when I do access it, I can hear that part of me loud and clear.

There’s glimpses where the reality of all of this shit stands out to me.

Sometimes, I can recognize that I’m smart enough to know why all of this stuff is happening.

I’m smart enough to know that I’m not eating enough for my body to function properly, especially when you include all of the exercise I do.

I’m smart enough to know that even without the exercise, I’m still not eating enough to sustain an adult man’s body.

I’m smart enough to know that I’m always so fuckin’ cold because my body doesn’t have enough insulation to regulate my temperature.

I’m smart enough to know that, even though I don’t visually see it, I am losing weight, because I can _feel_ it.

I can feel it when I’m laying on the ground, doing abdominal workouts. My spine fuckin’ hurts because it juts out, and I’ve gotten rug burn from it. I’ve also found random bruises on my body, and I have no idea how I got them.... However, I’m smart enough to know that malnutrition can cause skin to bruise easily.

I’m smart enough to know that even though I try to hide all of this, it’s not something that can be hidden anymore, and people probably have noticed.

So, why did I feel completely thrown off guard when a fan asked me if I was okay tonight?

I swear, I felt my heart break in two. We were doing one of our ‘hit and run’ performances after our show, and when I gave this one fan a hug, she looked at me straight in the eyes, and asked.

_“You’re worrying me a little, James. Is everything okay?”_

I kinda just stood there and felt a chill creep up my spine, because it hit me in that moment. It hit me that what was once just between me, Nikki, and DJ is now spreading through a bigger realm. Now our audience, and fan base are becoming aware of the shit that’s going on, and I haven’t felt shame this heavy in a while.

I felt absolutely horrible. It’s bad enough that I’ve hurt DJ and Nikki with what I’ve done, but now having to face the reality that some of our fans are worried is just painful for me to let sink in.

It just leads me to the infamous question that I feel like I’ll never have an answer to. It’s the question that runs through my head almost every single night.

Why the _fuck_ am I still so damn compelled to continue doing all of these stupid, destructive, idiotic, things when all it’s doing is making me feel more ashamed of myself, and just physically like total shit?!

I keep asking myself this, and I don’t have an answer! I’m starting to feel like now it’s just become a habitual thing that I can’t fight the urges for. I ask myself if it’s really benefiting me the way it did at the beginning, and I realize that it’s not... I mean, I think it still has _some_ benefit, but not as much as it did when I started it, because do you know what else I’m starting to notice?

Remember how I was concerned with being able to function on tour with my Bipolar Disorder? Remember how I was serious about figuring out a way to build some structure so I could manage my mood swings better, and not go into erratic depressive episodes? That’s how this started. I thought that it was going to help me stabilize my moods....

I’m starting to get scared, because lately, I feel my moods becoming a bit more erratic than they’ve been. I’m not a stranger to this, and I feel like the universe is trying to give me some kind of warning sign.

I don’t know what’s going on with me but sometimes I find myself wanting to just scream, yell, or punch a wall or something. Things seem to be setting me off for no reason at all. I hate when this happens because it makes me feel like I’m crazy, and just reminds me of when my Bipolar has been really bad. I have so much shame revolved around that to begin with, but with everything else going on, that’s escalated more times than I can count.

There’s days where I feel like I have split personalities or something. There’s this devil in me that comes out randomly. I become Satan for five minutes, and then I’m back to my normal self again... This hasn’t happened in so long, and it’s really freaking me out.

It’s the worst when I feel like I might snap at Nikki or DJ in public, and I try so hard to hide my irritability. I’ll just find myself feeling so tense, and all I wish I could do is get duct tape for my mouth, or for someone to hold me down, because I get scared that I’ll have an outburst out of nowhere.

I’m biting my lip right now, feeling a ton of shame, because I know that I’m someone who is smart enough to know that your brain can’t function right if it’s not getting enough nourishment. I’m also smart enough to know that I’m not eating enough to provide my body what it needs to optimally function. The rational side of me realizes that my concentration, focus, moods, and every other aspect of my brain is gonna be compromised.

Your brain controls your moods, and your brain runs on glucose. If you aren’t getting enough glucose, your brain can’t stabilize your moods. You can’t focus. You have trouble concentrating. Your attention span shortens, and you have brain fog.

The rational side of me is saying that my moods might be getting worse because my brain doesn’t have enough energy to regulate them.

The irrational side is saying that all of that is absolute bullshit, and that I’m completely fine continuing on like this.

Oh.... the glory of the ongoing dialogue between my two selves.

Even at two in the morning, it doesn’t stop.

~ ~ ~

_‘Who’s gonna hold you down when you shake?_  
_And who’s gonna come around, when you break?’_

~ ~ ~

_Two days later:_

Do you remember when I said I wasn’t gonna purge unless it was absolutely necessary?

Remember when I said that it made me feel horrible, and that it was really taking its toll on me, so I was gonna try to not do it?

Well.... That turned out to be a fuckin’ _lie_.

I kept telling myself that I was going to avoid purging as much as possible, but that obviously hasn’t been working out too well. In fact, I think that whole idea should just be thrown down the drain at this point, because I’ve stopped counting how many times I’ve purged since I made that promise.

It was okay at first. I did it on the airplane, at that one interview, and a couple of other times here and there when DJ and Nikki lured me into eating, but that was it...

But then.... last night.... _oh...god._

We performed at _Grona Lund_ , which was an amazing experience, by the way, but once I got back to my hotel room, the only thing that was on my mind was working out.

All I felt was a heavy sense of pure dread, because I’m gonna be honest. There was absolutely no part of me that wanted to exercise. I didn’t fuckin’ want to. My body was sore, and I was tired from that show. So, I thought that it would be a good idea for me to skip it... even though my brain was screaming horrible things at me for even thinking that. But, I didn’t care about that manipulative side. I was trying to listen to my rational side.

That side was saying...

_“James... You don’t need to do this. You’re allowed to relax. You don’t need to make yourself miserable for no reason. You’re only hurting yourself. You don’t have to give in... You know what you’re doing isn’t good for you. People are worried. Fans are concerned. You’re worth more than this...”_

I also kept thinking about how much these things I’m doing to myself are fucking me up. I thought that it would be a good idea to try to slowly “wean” off of them, per say. Not all of them at once. Skip a day of exercise, or do it every other day instead of every day, just to see if I could do it...

I just really wanted to try to get myself together.... a little bit.

Long story short, I was too exhausted to exercise, so I didn’t. That was a horrible fuckin’ idea, because all it did was make me feel like I was going to have a panic attack. It reminded me of when Nikki and DJ forced me to rest after I collapsed. I felt trapped in my body, and I wanted to crawl out of it, even though I was so exhausted. I was freaking out in my head and compensation thoughts wouldn’t stop shooting through it.

I ended up using purging as the method of compensation, but the issue is that I couldn’t just fuckin’ do it once.

The fact that I was missing exercise for the day was haunting me so horribly, that I became terrified to keep anything that I ate down. I threw every thing up yesterday. Every, single, thing.

So, now, I made a discovery.

When I try to stop one of the behaviors I do, I end up using a different one to replace it. I just end up inflicting more pain on myself and feel so much worse.

I should have just fuckin’ exercised, but I wanted to see if I could do without it. I couldn’t though, and that’s fucked. I couldn’t deal with the tortured feelings! I couldn’t do it, because I knew that I was desperately craving that “emptied” out feeling that I would have gotten from sweating toxins out, so my impulses led me to purge. It gave me the same feeling of emptiness, but it also put me in a crap ton of pain.

I spent the rest of yesterday just sulking in my own misery. I really felt miserable. My stomach was completely empty, and I wouldn’t drink anything because, now, whenever I purge, I’m terrified to drink anything afterwards. If I do, the whole “empty” feeling would just go away, and that defeats the whole purpose of purging in the first place. My whole body hurt. My stomach felt like it had gotten stabbed multiple times, and the cramping was terrible. My throat was raw and it just burned. My mouth was insanely dry and I felt like a parched cactus on a desert, but I couldn’t get myself to drink anything.

The only good thing that I can think of about it is that the last thing I purged was pretty late at night, so I was able to lay down and not do anything.

I’m starting to really get sick of this shit, because I’m just feeling miserable! It’s not enjoyable. It just feels horrible.

I told myself last night that I was gonna try to eliminate some of the behaviors because of how much of a toll they’re taking on me, and how goddamn painful they are, but I’m horrified.

I’m horrified because I couldn’t do it!

 _Why_ couldn’t I do it? _Why_ couldn’t I just skip exercise one fuckin’ day like a normal person? _Why_ couldn’t I handle not doing it?!

I’m so angry because I wish I could just do what everyone else does!

 _Why_ can Nikki and DJ do it?

 _Why_ can they let themselves relax and not overwork themselves?

 _Why_ can they just feel so content around food and not have any rigidity?

 _Why_ can they go days without working out? Why can they just not give a shit about exercising at all?

 _Why_ are they able to do all of these things, and I can’t?!

_Why can’t I?!_

That’s all I’m asking myself right now, as I try to get myself out of bed. I don’t know when I fell asleep last night, but it took forever. I couldn’t get comfortable in bed because all I was able to focus on was how goddamn hungry I felt. The stomach pains kept me up, even though I was exhausted.

Not only was I physically hungry, but I feel like my brain was too. All I was thinking about was food when I was laying there. Images of all of the foods that I’ve restricted myself of popped through my head and I couldn’t get them to go away. I think I even dreamt of food.

It just felt taunting, because there is this desperate longing that I have.... I wish I was able to just eat. It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t be this hard to just eat something and not flip out about it! It shouldn’t be so goddamn hard to eat without doing something destructive to compensate for it!

It shouldn’t be like this!

Now, even though it’s the next morning, I still feel absolutely shitty. Everything still hurts. My whole body feels like it got run over by a truck, and my stomach feels like it got stabbed. My head is pounding, and I feel lightheaded. I even feel nauseous.

I feel like I might be on the verge of tears right now, because of how much pain I’m in, and especially because I know I’m the one that caused this!

I’m doing this to myself! I’m inflicting this pain on myself, and I’m miserable.

I just wish I was fuckin’ normal! How hard is that to ask for?! I just don’t understand why I can’t snap my fingers and stop this shit I’m doing!

That’s the problem here....

I can’t fuckin’ do it!

_I can’t fuckin’ stop._

~ ~ ~

_‘You can’t go on thinking nothings wrong.... Who’s gonna drive you home, tonight?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is just becoming a huge shit show....but...like..... that's literally how eating disorders are so... (lmao)!


	26. Wolf At Your Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know he is trying so hard to keep his mask on, and not let anyone see through the cracks, but I feel it. I can sense his pain just by sitting here with him, and it’s breaking my heart as much as his own shame is probably breaking his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very emotional chapter for me to write... I feel very vulnerable posting it and it just brought up a lot for me, but it’s very necessary.... It’s hard being an empath and a writer because I feel everything! 
> 
> TW: eating disorders, depression, mild suicidal thoughts, unstable moods, hopelessness etc 
> 
> I stayed up so I could finish this.... I hope you like it :). and once again, all of your support means the absolute world. Thank you for allowing me to feel safe enough to share this with the world. ❤️

_1 week later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

You know what’s really... weird?

I’ve noticed that for the past week, I haven’t been able to put my whole focus into anything anymore, because I’ve been flooded with thoughts of food. It’s like my brain is trying to remind me to eat or something.

I find it extremely ironic that this is happening, especially since food has become an irrational fear of mine. Who would have thought I would somehow develop a full blown obsession with it?

It’s something that I try to avoid. Meanwhile, my brain capacity is always full to the brim with images and visuals of it.

I am not even exaggerating when I say that it’s been extremely difficult this past week to focus or concentrate on performing and interviews because my mind is being consumed with images of food... It’s like a 24/7 daydream.

Did you know that?

Did you know that a lot of times, I catch myself daydreaming about food? I think about all of the foods that I never allow myself to eat. I think about desserts, like brownies, cookies, candy, and cake. I think about doughy carbs, like bagels, croissants, crackers, and rolls...

The images don’t leave my head because I feel such a desperate longing. I wish I could enjoy those kinds of foods like a normal person, but I just.... _can’t_.

I’ll be in the middle of performing, and I have to try so hard to not space out because the thoughts will start distracting me.

During interviews, my mind will fog up and try to disconnect me from the present moment by shoving images of food in my face.

This isn’t the same kind of obsessing that I had before. This isn’t me obsessing and planning what I will or will not eat. This isn’t me vigorously trying to figure out what exercises I can fit in or how I’ll get away with purging. It isn’t even tormenting thoughts about my body.

No... This is just pure food _obsession_.

I feel like I am going absolutely insane.

The past few nights, I’ve caught myself researching a ton of dessert recipes on my phone, and I don’t even know why! All I know is that I literally couldn’t get myself to stop, and it felt like my brain got hi-jacked or possessed by someone. I swear to god, I couldn’t sleep. I usually can’t sleep, but this was different. This is not being able to sleep because I’m too fuckin’ compelled to look at food. I stopped counting how many hours passed... I couldn’t put the damn phone down and I honestly wanted to scream.

What makes this whole thing even worse is that it wasn’t just for one night. This has been going on now for at least four or five nights. I shouldn’t even say nights, since it travels into the day too.

I’m cringing as I even admit this, but on my day off the other day, I went to the closest food market, and just paced up and down the aisles. I didn’t buy anything. I just went so I could be around the food.

I know that I probably looked weird. I felt embarrassed because I knew how fuckin’ strange it was to go to a grocery store and not buy anything. I know that people were probably confused and thought I was a psycho, and I honestly felt like a psycho when I did that.

I don’t know what it was, but I just felt a weird, almost comforting feeling, just being in the presence of all of this food that I’ve distanced myself from for so long. I just stared at it. I stared at every single goddamn food that I wanted to fuckin’ eat so badly. I stared at all of them until I realized how long I had blanked out in that one aisle, and then went to the next one.

I have no idea how long I was in that store for, but it’s crazy how fast time can go when you’re disconnected from reality and stuck in your head. When I was there, I also took advantage of all of the extra movement I was getting from pacing around like a lunatic.

When I got back to my hotel room... All of these emotions that have been held inside of me just poured out. I suddenly felt upset and frustrated, which are two very typical feelings for me these days.

I was upset because of how much I wished I could just buy something and let myself eat it, and just because of how much I _miss_ being able to enjoy things like I used to.

I was frustrated because I wish I understood why I can’t. I wish I had the answer as to why all of this shit is happening to me, and why it is happening so goddamn fast.

~ ~ ~

_‘You might bleed out with anger, you might blow your fragile mind_   
_You wanna go faster, but you're running out of time_   
_You can sink like an anchor, you can bury all the bones_   
_You're out on a tightrope, you're out there all alone_   
_And everything you touch is so cold’_

~ ~ ~

_Three days later:_

You know what’s really scary?

Losing control.

Thinking about losing control and breaking my safety net of rigidity terrifies me. A lot of times I’m haunted by thoughts of instability and pure chaos. I’ll be laying in bed at night, and sometimes I’ll wake up from a nightmare... A catastrophic scenario where I lose control and can’t stop eating. To a normal person, this wouldn’t be a nightmare, but to me, it’s a petrifying image.

It’s not even about the food, per say. I mean, of course there is that fear around me eating these forbidden, scary, foods that might do things to me that I have no control over... But it’s mainly about the aspect of control. Unpredictability. Instability. Chaos.

I thought that what I’ve been doing... You know, all of these self-destructive things. I thought that they were supposed to help me and keep things stable! They were supposed to keep my moods stable, and they gave me a sense of control... I felt safe because of how rigid everything was.

For some reason... I feel like this all changed a few nights ago...And I don’t even want to acknowledge that this happened. It’s just bringing up a ton of shame that’s been festering inside of me, and I feel like a disgusting, horrible person.

I don’t know how it happened, or why it happened, but what I do know is that it all happened so... fuckin’.... fast.

It was after a show. I was in my hotel room, pacing around for no rational reason at all, when my brain started showing me the elaborate slideshow of foods that I can’t eat. It continued on for what felt like hours, when in reality it was probably just a few minutes, but it was taunting the shit out of me. What didn’t help was that some of our fans left little care packages for us, which included foods, like European candies, chocolates, and chips. I brought it back with me, because what else was I supposed to do? You know there was no way in hell that I would have gotten away with throwing it out in front of Nikki and DJ. I left it on the counter in the kitchen area, thinking nothing of it.

Well... apparently, my mind and body thought something of it.

It all feels like a fuckin’ blur. All I remember is that all of a sudden, I found myself face to face with all of those decadent sweets, and before I knew it....

I’m squeezing my eyes shut as I’m thinking about this because I wish I could block it out. I fucking wish this didn’t happen and I don’t want to acknowledge it, but it did.

It _happened_.

One of the biggest fears that I have, that has always festered inside of me and taunted me in my fuckin’ sleep... It came true.

As it was happening, I felt such horror bubble up inside of me. I felt this fear that was almost paralyzing, but at the same time I almost felt weirdly disconnected. The whole thing happened so fast.

It was the candy first... Then the chocolates... Then the rest of whatever the hell was in the box... I feel like the whole thing didn’t hit me until I went to grab something else and there was nothing left.

It was in that very moment.... I felt like the world just crashed down.

The first emotion that came to the surface was pure anxiety. I felt like I was in a shock, and my body felt frozen. Of course my mind immediately started to race. It raced more than it ever did in my life, and I couldn’t form any thoughts at all. The only thoughts that shot through it were catastrophic ones.

There was not one ounce of hesitation in me before I ran right to the fuckin’ bathroom. There was no thinking involved. I did exactly what I had to do, but this time it felt so much more painful. It was because of how paranoid and terrified I was. I was petrified that I wouldn’t be able to get it all out, so I purged multiple times in a row just to be safe.

I don’t know how long I was in there for, but I felt like I was never gonna fuckin’ leave. I couldn’t get myself to stop repeating the behavior, until I finally saw the water come out clear at least three times. It didn’t stop there, though. The festering emotions brought upon more torture. I suddenly started feeling that sensation of wanting to crawl out of my skin... My body became unsafe once again, and whenever I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I felt completely tormented. I wanted to scream and I felt like I was on the verge of tears, because I felt like a fuckin’ monster. I also felt like whenever I looked at myself, the reflection was distorting itself, and the longer I looked, the worse it got.

That’s what led me to force myself into working out, because I was still freaking out thinking that the purging itself wasn’t enough. The intrusive thoughts wouldn’t leave my head and my anxiety was so goddamn high that I didn’t know what else to do. In the middle of the exercise, I felt a huge surge of anger.

I was so horrified at myself for letting this happen, and I was angry that I couldn’t control myself! What made it worse is that I had no idea what went wrong. I don’t know what led me to do it!

Of course, when that surge of emotion went back down, the immediate heaviness of shame covered me. After what felt like an eternity, I felt like I had tortured myself enough and went to sit on my bed... I just felt like absolute hell.

All the energy that I had felt like it was drained out of me, and I had absolutely no desire to do anything after that. I just curled myself into a ball and laid on the mattress, as my mind started shooting out the beliefs that I’m a horrible person who can’t do anything right.

I felt like a disgusting, piece of shit.

~ ~ ~

_‘You might feel like you're dying, like you're digging your own grave_   
_All bloodshot from crying, but the tears won't wash away_   
_Everything is so bleak, but the sun is beating down_   
_You think it's a murder 'cause there's bloodstains on the ground_   
_And everything you touch is so cold’_

~ ~ ~

_Four days later:_

It’s been four days since the horrible episode, and I can say with confidence that I feel exactly the same... if not, worse, because what happened that night wasn’t the only time it happened...

I’m feeling suffocated as I’m being forced to face this terrifying reality.

I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me, and why I can’t stop! All these behaviors are doing at this point are making me feel yucky, ashamed, disgusting, exposed, humiliated... you name it. I feel like my mind has so much control over me right now, and it’s forming new behaviors which are even more dangerous than the ones I used before. I don’t even know what to do. I feel absolutely dead and miserable. I just want my brain to shut off.

I think the scariest part of this whole thing is how drastically my moods drop after each episode, or whatever you want to call these... When they get as low as they do, it scares me, because things get so dark up in my head. The way that my moods can shift so drastically terrify me, especially because I thought that I had figured out a way to stabilize them.

~ ~ ~

_‘You might live with the danger, but you're dancing with the dead_   
_You avoid medication so you're hanging by a thread_   
_In the valley of darkness there is no promised land_   
_I've seen my assassin, I've even held her hand_   
_And everyone you touch is so cold’_

~ ~ ~

_Two days later:_

_2:00am_

I just had a breakdown because of how tortured I feel right now and I don’t know how to make any of it stop.

I was listening to one of our songs off of _‘The Heroin Diaries’_ and started crying in my bed because the words are so relatable right now... I never thought that I would be able to relate to the songs off of that record, so it made me even more upset.

I feel so helpless, and that scares me. I feel like a fuckin’ baby for crying and feeling desperate, but I can’t help it! I just want to know how to make this pain stop!

All of these terrifying emotions are coming at me all at once, and I don’t know how to deal with them. I feel powerless over my mind and my body. I can’t control my behaviors, I can’t control my impulsivity, and I can’t fucking stop the cycle I’m falling into and I’m fucking scared!

I’m so goddamn sick of this but I can’t fucking stop.

_I don’t want this any-more!_

_Get it the hell away from me!_

Every damn night I’m stuck in my head after listening to my brain’s non-stop disordered bullshit for the whole day... I fucking can’t take it anymore! I feel drained, like my life has been sucked out of me. Not to mention, I feel so lonely because whenever I’m not performing or going to interviews, I’m just isolating myself from everyone! I hide away and end up getting sucked into my self-destructive compulsions because I can’t fucking help it. I’m so exhausted...

Why can’t I snap my fingers and just get myself together?!

I just want to be at peace, goddammit! It’s nights like these, when sometimes I feel like death is the only way to make this shit stop for one fucking second...

~ ~ ~

_NIKKI’s P.O.V:_

I haven’t seen James outside of shows much, and all that’s done is led me to wonder how stable his moods actually are.

It also begins to remind me of how addictions thrive in isolation and secrecy.

Addictions are manipulative, sneaky, illnesses, and they suck everything right out of you. You end up feeling like your whole soul has been emptied out, and covered in decrepit tar that you can’t clean up.

An addict will go to extremes to try to hide their illness. They will take drastic measures, and do everything in their power to try to make sure no one sees through their cracks. But even so, sometimes it is still not enough.

I know for me, I tried every trick in the book to hide my addiction. I used the typical _“I have the flu”_ excuse whenever I was going through heroin withdrawals, so people wouldn’t suspect anything. It didn’t matter though, because as much as I tried to hide it, I knew in my heart that people were still seeing right through me. The issue is that with addictions, it doesn’t fuckin’ matter. The voice in your head is so powerful that it becomes stronger than any of the rational that you hear.

People see through your shit? _Oh well._ It doesn’t matter any-way.

It doesn’t matter because if you’re sucked in too deep, it’s hard to find a force strong enough to get you to think about changing your behaviors. You’re still so convinced that what you’re doing is helping you in some fucked up way, and that alone is keeping you trapped. You are so tightly wound into the darkness and pure chaos of your own addiction, that you can’t find a way to escape. The grip it has on you is way too strong.

You begin to feel disconnected from yourself and your soul. You start to forget who you were before your addiction started, and you begin to realize that you aren’t sure who you are anymore. Your identity becomes revolved around your addiction and anything associated with your behaviors. All you see in yourself is an addict... Someone who can’t get their crap together, and someone who can’t find a future for themselves anymore.

The reason why I’m saying this is because the three of us have been back touring for about a month now. In this month, I’ve noticed way more things than I would like to admit.

I would be lying if I said that James hasn’t been worrying the shit out of me. Like any addict, he’s become a master of manipulation and lying has become second nature. However, it will come to a point where things really can’t be hidden from the outside any-more. Sure, maybe we don’t see the behaviors the addict is engaging in, but we can see the physical effects, whether they believe they’re hiding them or not. Some things can’t be hidden.

I see his energy depleting, whether he notices it himself or not, because sometimes you lie so much that you end up lying to yourself.

I would lie to myself all the time. When I was sick, the fucked up part of my brain would shoot out constant excuses, and try to rationalize everything that I was doing, even when I knew, rationally, that I was just destroying myself. This might be happening to James as well.

I’m watching him deteriorate slowly. I see him shivering on stage, when the hot lights shine on him. I see the signs of malnutrition starting to take a toll on his body, and it’s scary.

When you’re not feeding yourself enough, every single one of your body’s organs begin to shut down. Your heart rate slows down, your blood pressure drops, and your temperature stops regulating. You will begin to feel unusually cold all the time, even when the people around you are not.

You’ll start to have trouble concentrating on things that you were passionate about, because the only thing that is on your mind is your own addiction. Your brain’s capacity becomes full with self-destruction. You obsess over how you’re gonna get your next fix, when you’re gonna get it, and how the hell you’re gonna get it. The craving that you have makes you feel so desperate, and it’s all you can fuckin’ think about.

In James’s case, focus and concentration are being affected due to lack of nourishment. Without enough glucose, your brain becomes mush. You can’t concentrate on things because you’re hungry, and you don’t have enough energy for your brain to work the right way.

You’ll start to feel tired, and fatigued all the time, because food is what gives you energy.

I know that James isn’t being honest with me and DJ. I wanted to wait before I confronted him again, but now’s the time.

~ ~ ~

“Hey, c’mere for a minute.”

James is giving me a look of confusion, and I know from experience that he probably has some sort of radar going on in his head. He probably has a feeling that he’s gonna get called out and confronted. I know when I was sick, I always had my guard up. I felt like I was always on some kind of high alert, because all I knew how to do was protect my addiction at every cost, and I would do anything to avoid it being taken from me. The fear of losing my safety blanket, the disease, that was instilled in me was so fuckin’ strong that I always felt like I needed to be prepared.

This is exactly why I will always approach a person using a gentle manner. Remember the initial intervention? You don’t want to scare the person away. You don’t want to be threatening. Even though this is just a quick check in, I still want to be as welcoming and approachable as I can be.

“What’s up?”

I pat my hand on the cushion next to me on the maroon couch. I can almost feel the tension in his body, and it’s something I can empathize with so much.

“I’m uh...” I lick my lips and look at him with my somewhat fatherly expression. “I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. I know we tend to go our separate ways after performances, but I just wanna sit down with ya for a bit.” I put my hand on my shoulder, and smile. “What’s up?”

James is just looking at me, and I have a feeling he feels caught off guard. I bet those gears in his head are turning, and I will also guess that he’s trying to formulate a quick response that won’t give any suspicions.

“Nothin’ really, man.” He shakes his head and smiles. “Same ol’ shit, ya know?”

It’s pretty crazy how James can make himself appear so relaxed and calm, when I know he’s probably feeling the exact opposite. However, I also know how putting on a facade can become habitual when you’ve had to do it for so long... Trust me. I became a master at hiding my real struggles and embodying a completely different persona when I needed to.

I let out a light laugh. “Yeah, yeah.” I pause, and let out a low sigh, trying to figure out the best way to ease into the real stuff.

“How have you been since...”. I look down, pause, and shake my head and I reformulate my thoughts. “How are things? You doin’ okay with resting?”

“I’m tryin’, man...”. He shakes his head. “It’s tough, sometimes but I’m doin’ my best...”

I can feel an uneasy sensation in my stomach, because I also know how easy it becomes for any addict to just spit out lies. I decide to turn the conversation in a slightly different direction.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, as I take out my phone.

“I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but some of our fans are really worrying about you...”. I start scrolling down the Sixx:AM Instagram account, as I put my hand on his shoulder. “There’s lots of comments on our pictures asking if you’re okay...”

There’s a moment of silence until James finally speaks.

“Uh... Oh?” I can tell he’s uncomfortable and I want to ease his tension, but I know it’s not that easy. “I wasn’t aware...”

I bite my lip and start silently reading the comments. “They’re not the only ones, James.” I look back up at him. “Me and DJ are still concerned, alright?” I breathe in as I squeeze his wrist and speak in a hushed tone. “You’re not lookin’ good, okay? You’re scaring me...”

I should have expected to be cut off by James’s natural defenses.

He shakes his head and looks down. “Nik... You don’t have to be scared, man...”

I decide that I just need to cut to the chase, before he does his best to steer the topic of discussion.

“How’s food?” James is giving me such a weird look, as if he didn’t think I was going to ask him that question. I elaborate. “Eating? Have you been eating.... enough?”

A smile forms on his lips, even though I know it’s probably forced.

“Of course I’m eating, Nik. You’ve seen me!”

I don’t hesitate one second before I ask him, again, this time with a bit of emphasis.

“Are you _really_ eating enough, James?”

There is a period of silence that is longer than what feels comfortable, until he spits out an answer.

“I mean... yeah...”. He runs his hand through his blonde hair, which I’ve noticed is becoming thinner than it’s been. He shakes his head and I notice his eyes widen. “Trust me, I’m eating—-“

I shake my head.

“James...”. I let out a light laugh, as I look into his eyes. “You don’t have to lie to me.”

I notice his brows furrowing, but I know he’s trying his best to fake confusion. He knows exactly what I’m talking about.

“You know that saying, ‘You can’t bullshit a bullshitter?’” I pause and sigh. “Well... You can’t bullshit me. I’ve done it all. You know I have...”. I put my arm around him. “You don’t have to be scared to admit you need help...”

James is just staring at me, and even though he has his sunglasses on, I can tell he has a _‘deer in headlights’_ expression going on. The look of shock... maybe vulnerability.

I know he is trying so hard to keep his mask on, and not let anyone see through the cracks, but I feel it. I can sense his pain just by sitting here with him, and it’s breaking my heart as much as his own shame is probably breaking his.

I have a feeling that I’m not gonna get a worded response out of him, so instead I decide to try to use my body language to communicate.

“Hey....”. I wrap my arms around him and give him a tight squeeze. “It’s okay....”

I don’t even have to look at James to know how uncomfortable he is. I can feel it. His whole body is tense and it’s holding onto so much emotion that he won’t let out. It’s probably bubbling up to the surface, and I bet he’s fighting the urges to let himself feel them. Vulnerability is a scary thing for so many people, especially when you’re going through something that makes you feel hopeless and trapped.

I start to rub my arm across his back in a soothing pattern, hoping that it will ease some of this tension.

After a few moments, I notice that my shirt feels a tiny bit wet, and that’s when I realize that James is silently crying.

I know he’s wearing those sunglasses to hide the tears. James is never a person to admit that he needs help, and I wonder if the vulnerability of this situation broke his shield. I can feel a chill creep up my spine.

All of sudden, I can feel James’s body tense up again, as he quickly pulls away from me.

“James?”

Before I can do anything, he’s already making his way out of our dressing room, and soon enough the door is shut.

I can see DJ’s face out from the corner of my eye, and I don’t have to turn my head to know that he’s on the verge of tears, or wants to scream something.

I put my arm out to him, coaxing him to sit next to me on the couch, and when he does, he immediately leans onto me. I can feel his tears dripping from his eyes, and I just let him cry freely on my shoulder.

Sometimes there aren’t the right words to say in a situation. Right now feels like one of those times. Sometimes all you can do is try your best to show support, even if it means just hugging the person or letting them know that you’re here for them.

There’s a few moments of silence, the only sounds that can be heard are DJ’s sniffles.

“I know, DJ...”. I sigh. “I know...”


	27. Heart Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s hard enough for me to refer to James’ issue as an eating disorder, but then... whenever Nikki uses the real word for it...
> 
> Anorexia
> 
> I cringe. I cringe inside, and I probably outwardly cringe too. It gives me a really uneasy sensation throughout my whole body, that makes me feel uncomfortable.
> 
> Whenever I hear or think of that word, I just picture some kind of parasite... The kind of parasite that grabs ahold of someone and starts eating away at the person.
> 
> I see some kind of demon going into James’ body and sucking away his fuckin’ soul.
> 
> I hate the word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG TW —- for DEPRESSION and hopelessness , and of course the usual EATING DISORDERS!!!! 
> 
> Writing this brought up a lot for me and it’s a very emotional one... 
> 
> The poems that I snuck in are actually poems that I wrote during my own struggle with Ed ! 
> 
> The lyrics from the two songs are “The Devils Coming” and “Heart Failure” 
> 
> Enjoy ❤️

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_11:00pm_

_‘I don’t know what’s haunting me, or where I’ll be tomorrow... Who is running these machines with manufactured sorrow?’_

I’m in my hotel room, curled up in the far corner. I don’t even know how long I’ve been sitting here, but I can’t get myself to move. I won’t even get up to turn on the lights. It’s almost like I’m feeling a weird sort of comfort in the darkness.

All I want to do is hide away, and isolate right now. I don’t want to be seen, and I don’t want to expose myself. I feel fuckin’ vulnerable, and I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It’s a raw, scary feeling.

_‘Yeah, the devil’s coming...’_

Every time someone reminds me that people are concerned for me, I feel like an absolute shit hole. I feel so ashamed, and right now it’s just all bubbling up inside of me.

_‘Yeah... The devil’s coming....’_

I feel like a horrible fuckin’ person. People are worried about me, but I just continue doing everything that’s wrong. I’m continuing my behaviors, and I’m continuing to lie to everyone, even though at this point I feel like they are seeing through my cracks... Especially Nikki.

_‘Heaven knows he’s coming after me...’_

I can even acknowledge that there’s probably no fuckin’ way he believed anything I said to him earlier. He probably didn’t want to make a scene and have a full on confrontation right there in our dressing room, but I already have a bad feeling that he knows. Actually, fuckin’ scratch that! I _know_ that he knows! He said to my face, _‘You don’t have to lie to me...You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.’_

I would be a complete idiot to think that he wouldn’t fuckin’ find out. I would have to be absolutely delusional to just assume that I could get away with this shit.

_‘If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m an empty vessel... These are things that I regret... These are things I wrestle...’_

I know he’s worried. I know DJ is worried too. Just the fact that I know I’m hurting both of them alone is making me feel guilt ridden, but then.... being reminded of how much our fans are worrying too... God, it’s just making everything so much worse.

_‘I’m in chains; I can’t explain; I question everything...’_

Part of me is asking why the hell they care about me so much? Why do they give a shit about me when all I’m doing is hurting them repeatedly? Why are they wasting their energy on trying to help me? I’m a freakin’ manipulative, disgusting, person. Why would they want to even be near me?

Asking for help makes me feel like a weak person. There’s this part of me that will push away any help or support from others because I’m not sure if I think I deserve it. Then, of course, there’s this other part of me that would do anything for someone to get me out of the hell I feel like I’ve become trapped in. It’s a painful, excruciating back and forth, just like with everything else.

All I wanted to do when Nikki confronted me was scream:

‘HELP ME!’

‘PLEASE... I’M FUCKING BEGGING YOU!’

‘I CAN’T DO THIS ANY-MORE!’

But... I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

All of these emotions were festering inside of me and they felt like they were going to pour out right in front of Nikki. I was feeling vulnerable. I wanted to run away, but somehow I stayed. I forced myself to, because I knew that Nikki would end up trying to coax me back, and also... I kind of needed the comfort he was providing.

God... that makes me feel all sorts of ways. Admitting that I wanted someone to support me and nurture me feels fuckin’ _wrong._ When Nikki hugged me, and I felt tears start to pour out of me, I was horrified.

I never cry in front of anyone. I just don’t do that because it makes me feel so exposed, and vulnerable, and weak. I don’t know why it happened, but it did, and that’s when I pulled away and ran.

I ran out of the dressing room, and left the venue. I took a back way so I wouldn’t be seen by anyone, and I somehow found my way back here. I don’t even remember... I feel like my brain is trying to disconnect from it and intentionally blocked the whole thing out because of how uncomfortable the whole situation was.

I got back here and I just went straight to the farthest corner of the room, and I’ve been here since. I don’t even have my phone near me, so who the hell knows if Nikki or DJ have tried to call me. Honestly, if they have, I really could care less. These emotions I’m feeling are so intense right now that it’s all I can focus on.

If anything, when I feel like this, connecting with people is the last thing I want to do. My impulses are telling me to push everyone away.

The longer that I just sit here with all of my thoughts and emotions, the more overwhelming everything feels. The faster my head is spinning, the more disconnected I feel from reality, and the more urges I have to escape everything.

The longer I huddle myself in this far corner of darkness, the darker the thoughts in my head are becoming. The shame that my body is being filled up with is just becoming heavier, and the more worthless of a person I feel I am.

I’m feeling dirty inside and out... I don’t want to expose myself to other people because of how _yucky_ and disgusting of a person I feel like I am.

I’m feeling unsafe in my goddamn body. If I could crawl out and escape my body right now, I would... but I _can’t_. I want to rip my skin off of me.

I feel so _trapped._

I shouldn’t have to live in such a container that brings nothing but feelings of torture, torment, distress, and pure fear to me. It’s horrible feeling trapped in a body that you shouldn’t have to own.

My soul is chained up and can’t roam free where it wants to... and it can’t find it’s way out of the darkness and filth that it’s surrounded by.

This container can’t be cleansed. It’s been tainted and that will never go away. You can try and try harder to clean it, refresh it, scrub the filth and _yuck_ off, but it will never be completely free of it ever again, because no matter how much you scrub, it will never get rid of the filth that is trapped on the inside.

It doesn’t cleanse the soul. It doesn’t take away the filth of my actions. It doesn’t erase how much I’ve gone against my moral values and hurt everyone around me by doing what I’ve been doing. It doesn’t take any of that away.

All of that dirt and filth is stuck inside of my body, because my soul is trapped in my body. I can’t escape from any of this, because it is impossible to escape from your body. Even if you tried to rip all of your skin off, you would still be attached to a skeleton... a bloody, deformed structure.

The only way to truly detach from your container is if you died... Then your soul would finally be able to roam free the way that it wants...

~ ~ ~

_A dirty container that traps me_   
_And keeps my soul in chains_   
_No longer safe, as it once was_   
_A long time ago_

_A tainted shell_   
_Bruise and cracked_   
_Burnt and wrecked_   
_Full of scars_   
_Full of wounds_   
_Most unseen, but forever engrained_

_It leaves me trapped_   
_A body that I am forced to connect with_   
_A body that does not belong to me_   
_Or to my broken soul_

_Impossible to separate and disconnect_   
_From such a vessel_   
_That instills so much pain,_   
_And torment,_   
_And torture in me_

_I am forever trapped_   
_In a shell that is dirty —-_   
_Impossible to clean_   
_Never to be pure again_

_Let my soul roam free,_   
_From a body that does not belong to me_

~ ~ ~

_2:30am_

DJ’s P.O.V:

I feel like all of the emotions that I’ve been holding inside of my body are starting to slip out. I know from experience that holding in emotions really isn’t good because eventually they will pour out without your control. It’s like when you’re pouring liquid into a glass. You can keep filling it up to the brim, but once you reach that point, it’s gonna spill out of the cup.

It’s happening. I disconnect from my emotions when I’m on stage performing, but then for some reason, once the show is over and I’m sucked back into reality, I start to feel everything. Most of the time I can still hold it in until I’m alone, but today I couldn’t.

Maybe it had to do with the alcohol that I had before our show... I don’t know... I stupidly thought that if I had a drink or two, it would relax me a little and it would be easier to disconnect from everything.

The only issue is that sometimes alcohol actually makes me feel things even more. I was giddy and happy during our show, but once we finished, and I knew that Nikki was gonna talk to James, I started feeling stuff. Of course I didn’t want to pry and spy on the whole conversation, but James wasn’t subtle with his escape. He ran right out of the room, and that’s when I knew that something probably went wrong.

That’s when all of the emotions just came pouring outta me. I couldn’t hold them in this time. I was already slightly drunk, so I really couldn’t regulate myself. I was tearing up from the beginning, but then basically cried out a shit storm of tears on Nikki. The poor guy has to deal with me being a fuckin’ pussy all the time. I don’t know how he hasn’t lost his patience yet....

He just let me cry on him. I didn’t even say anything because I couldn’t. I couldn’t even think straight. Everything felt fogged up and blurred, but the sadness I felt was so intense.

It’s been hours since then, and I still don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m still slightly drunk and I feel like an emotional mess. I’m just sitting on my bed, crying, and ripping up paper out of a notebook because I don’t know how else to get these feelings out.

I hate that I can’t run away from the truth. I hate that as much as I try to tell myself and convince myself that James is okay, I know the truth. He’s not fuckin’ okay, and I don’t think there is anything that will make any of this okay.

I don’t see what he does, so I don’t know what he does. That doesn’t take away what I do know though. I see him every fuckin’ day and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that what he tells me isn’t adding up.

He looks sick! He looks fuckin’ emaciated, and sick, and even our fans know it. I see the comments they post on our pictures. There’s so many! My heart fuckin’ sinks every time we post a picture because I know... I know that people will ask. I know that we are gonna get questions about what the hell is going on, and it just makes everything worse because it’s a 24/7 constant reminder that I can’t escape reality.

I mentioned to Nikki that I was still concerned and upset, and that’s when he let me know that he was gonna try to check in with James again. But... obviously it didn’t go as planned! It didn’t fuckin’ work! It didn’t do anything and that’s why I’m so fuckin’ upset!

I know Nikki has told me so many freaking times that you can’t make someone get better, but there’s still that part of me that is having trouble coming to terms with the fact that James has a.... real problem. I still try to push that away and I like to convince myself that it’s not as bad as it is, but who the fuck am I kidding?!

It’s a real problem... I know it is but it feels too terrifying to have to face that. There’s a name for it...

_Anorexia_

I don’t like thinking about that word, because it feels like such a yucky word. It sounds decrepit, and parasitical.

It’s hard enough for me to refer to James’ issue as an eating disorder, but then... whenever Nikki uses the real word for it...

_Anorexia_

I cringe. I cringe inside, and I probably outwardly cringe too. It gives me a really uneasy sensation throughout my whole body, that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Whenever I hear or think of that word, I just picture some kind of parasite... The kind of parasite that grabs ahold of someone and starts eating away at the person.

I see some kind of demon going into James’ body and sucking away his fuckin’ soul.

I hate the word.

_Anorexia._

I hate the fuckin’ word.

_Anorexia._

That word is fuckin’ _evil_.

~ ~ ~

_Trapped in my head_   
_Feels like my sanity is dead_

_Where did my soul go?_   
_I’m falling into a deep black hole_   
_Never stopping_   
_Never slowing down_   
_Deeper and deeper, waiting to crash_   
_Into a million pieces_   
_Of shattered glass_

_Stabbing me in the flesh_   
_Wounds opening and_   
_Bursting all over_

_How do I piece myself back together?_

~ ~ ~

_1 week later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I feel like I’m beginning to lose motivation for things. The days are draining me as they go by, and so much of the time I just don’t _want_ to go out in the open and perform. I’m getting really tired of pretending everything is okay all the time, especially because now things have just been getting a whole lot worse...

I didn’t even know that was even possible at this point. I would always ask myself, “How can things get any worse? They’re already fuckin’ horrible! They can’t get worse!”

Well... I am here to tell you right now, that they absolutely _can_.

They have.

I’m feeling depressed... When I say depressed, I mean _depressed_. I mean, depression that feels like it’s border-lining the start of a depressive episode.

Every time I engage in behaviors... binging and purging specifically, everything gets so dark up in my head. Of course I’ll feel the intense rage-like anger at first, then debilitating anxiety, and then shame... But after all of that, it all comes crashing down, and I’m just weighed down with complete hopelessness.

My brain becomes a dark cloud of despair, and every last bit of energy that remains inside of me evaporates. I’m just left sulking in my own misery, waiting for some miracle... I’m just waiting for this shit to end.

I haven’t felt depression this bad in a long time, because I thought I was doing well at keeping the episodes at bay. Something changed. Something changed and I don’t know what... I don’t know how it could have...

I don’t even know how it happened, but it did... and I’m just sitting here asking myself what the hell the point of things are.

It’s hard in the mornings to get myself out of bed. It takes a huge amount of strength to get myself to move from being huddled under the dark covers. It feels like it takes every last drop of energy, especially because I have little to no motivation to do things.

I can’t concentrate on most things anymore, because my brain feels like mush. It’s fogged up and blurry, but my irrational racing thoughts can somehow still break through that fog. Other than that, I can’t focus on much. I feel like the adrenaline that was once inside of me is diminishing. I’m not feeling that flame of passion that I used to get from performing anymore. Now, I’m just feeling so much dread and despair, because I know how sucked in I’ve gotten.

~ ~ ~

_3 days later_

_3:30am_

Please... someone shut my brain off.

I feel like this is just becoming a nightly occurrence... Me, laying in my bed, on the verge of tears because of how goddamn tortured I feel in my head. It doesn’t ever fuckin’ stop!

I DON’T WANT THIS FUCKIN’ DEMON IN MY HEAD ANY-MORE!

IT WON’T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

Please... kill it, or just kill me, because I am fucking miserable!

All I ever want to do is cry because I’m just punishing myself 24/7 by engaging in so much self-destruction! The worst part of this is that when I end up giving into my fucked up brain and engaging, I get so angry at myself which then leads me to punish myself even more with more behaviors. It’s a horrible cycle that I just can’t end!

I don’t know what to do any-more. I feel powerless, and I wish I could just fuckin’ _stop_.

Why can’t I fuckin’ stop on my own?!

GODDAMMIT, why?!

I can’t do it. I can’t do anything.

I’m a worthless piece of fucked up horse shit that screwed my own life up and now I’m just living with it all.

~ ~ ~

_1 week later:_

_2:00am_

_‘I’ve begun evaporating right before your eyes...’_

I’ve dug myself into a hole that I can’t get myself out of... and the worst part is that I’m really the only person who knows the _real_ truth.

My fuckin’ brain is so sneaky and manipulative, sometimes I can see things clearly...

Tonight is one of them.

_‘I just keep regurgitating my own demise...’_

I know I’ve lost more weight, and it’s not because DJ and Nikki have told me, even though that is also true. It’s because I can see the way my clothes are fitting me now. I can look in the mirror and tell that I look gross... sometimes _sick_ , even with the layers of clothes that I wear... I know I’m not fooling people any-more. It’s a fact. They see it, and they’ve told me.

I used to wear the layers to try to hide the changes in my body, but now I can’t hide it any-more. I keep wearing them because my body temperature can’t stabilize, and I’m always fuckin’ freezing when I shouldn’t be.

_‘I miss today, I miss the past, I miss my veins cause they’ve collapsed... a single thought occurs to me...’_

I hate being sneaky. I hate lying. I hate being so dishonest and disloyal to people, but that’s what keeps happening. At this point, I feel like I’ve lost all control... I’ve lost control of my body, my emotions, my brain... Everything.

I feel powerless over so many things, but at the same time my stupid ass brain still tries to trick me into believing that I’m managing everything fine, when in reality I’m not.

Everything is _not_ fine.

_‘I’m face down on the tracks_   
_The train is comin’ fast_   
_And it’s not derailing_   
_It’s not the first time_   
_And this won’t be the last_   
_That my heart is failing’_

I’m not managing. I’m _dying_. That’s what I’m doing... and I know it. I’m smart enough to know that it’s happening, but my god forsaken brain tries to rationalize every fuckin’ behavior I engage in.

It’ll tell me that some behaviors are worse than others. It’ll tell me that if I try to avoid certain ones but continue using others that it’ll be fine.

That’s not fuckin’ true, and I know that.

Every behavior is bad. It doesn’t matter how often or which one —- They’re all bad. They’re all destructive, and I’m destroying myself with every single one that I use.

Nikki and DJ ask me all the time if I’m eating enough, and even though I know they see right through me, I lie to their faces. I lie right to their fuckin’ faces with a poker face. I know that I’m not eating enough... I know I’m not, and the amount of food that I’m keeping down is even less... I feel like it becomes less and less and less...

It’s times like this when the reality hits me. I’m at a point now where I know.

I know that the behaviors I’ve been engaging in for so long now are beginning to catch up to my body... It’s a sick feeling... a horrifying feeling.

The starvation that I’ve put my body through is taking its toll on me, because for the first time in a while, I can acknowledge the feeling of _hunger_.

I feel uncomfortable admitting that I feel hungry, because for the longest time, I wasn’t. Even though I was eating less and exercising more than most people, I wasn’t feeling the impact. Who knows if it was from the caffeine I drank or not... Maybe it really did suppress my appetite... I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore!

All I know is that I constantly feel hungry. I feel so goddamn hungry... It’s so fuckin’ bad sometimes, and it freaks me the hell out.

I try so hard to push the feelings away. I’ll do anything to try to block them out, but nothing I do works. It doesn’t work, and I feel like my brain just taunts me.

Sometimes I’ll lay in bed and want to cry because of how hungry I am. The pains in my stomach keep me up, despite my exhaustion, and I’ll just twist and turn to try to get comfortable, but I fuckin’ can’t because all I can focus on is how goddamn hungry I am.

_‘As the blood is rushing to my head and from my wrists...’_

My brain will began that elaborate slideshow of every food on the planet, and it just feels taunting. It feels like a huge tease, because I know that even if I did get up and eat something, it would just come right back up, and I wouldn’t be enjoying it anyway.

I would eat it, and purge it, so my body would feel starved all over again.

I figure, _‘what’s the point of even eating it, then?’_

But... sometimes I just can’t help it.

_‘I’m in love with all the things I know I should resist...’_

The impulses turn on and I can’t shut them down. It all happens so goddamn fast.

I’ll be laying in bed with intense hunger pains one minute, and the next, I’ll find myself raiding through the fuckin’ cabinets in the kitchen area, because my body just won’t stop begging for something... literally _anything!_

It doesn’t even matter what food it is. At this point, my body just wants nutrition, even if it comes from something rotten, or even out of a garbage pail...

This has been happening close to every night now, and it’s hitting me why.

_‘And all the times you’ve said to me, that falling down was destiny, a single thought occurs to me...’_

It’s because... my body feels deprived. I’ve been neglecting it and starving it, and now it’s fighting back. It’s rebelling because it can’t take it, and it’s doing it in terrifying ways. I feel out of control and I feel powerless, even though I know the reasons why it’s happening. It’s just scary.

My own behaviors are triggering other behaviors, and all I’m doing is abusing my body. I’m hurting myself and I end up feeling like _hell_. I literally feel like I’m gonna die sometimes after I do these things.

My body is never going to trust me ever again. It’ll give up on me before it decides to trust me again, because all I’m doing is killing it every single day with my self-destructive tendencies.

_‘I’m face down on the tracks_   
_The train is comin’ fast_   
_And it’s not derailing_   
_It’s not the first time_   
_And this won’t be the last_   
_That my heart is failing’_

I’m shocked that it hasn’t shut down on me. It _should_ have, but it hasn’t, and part of me is wondering... _why?_

You see, the thing about this is that... Giving up these behaviors is _scary_. Dying from what I’m doing to myself isn’t what’s scary to me.

Do you know what’s scary?

 _Living_ with this.

I’m stuck in such a horrible cycle that sometimes I _want_ to fuckin’ die because living like this is a torture chamber. It makes you want to not live and pray to god that it will kill you, because at least that way you’ll be free. You’ll be at peace from the torment of it all.

Isn’t that crazy?

I’m just exhausted. I’m sick of this shit but I just can’t stop...

My body hurts. My ribs hurt. Going to sleep hurts because of how much my bones are sticking out now.

I have bruises on my thighs and hips from laying down while exercising, because everything juts out... There’s not enough cushion on my body any-more.

I’m destroying myself and I hate it, so why can’t I stop? Do I _want_ to stop? Is there a part of me that isn’t surrendering and doesn’t want to give this up?

And, if there is.... _WHY?_

What the _hell_ is holding me back at this point?


	28. Everything Went To Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what it feels like when I’m giving in? It feels like my real self... you know, the part of me that’s rational and isn’t fucked up? I feel like that part of me is just watching the fucked up part possess me into doing things. It just stares at it in shock but it can’t do anything about it. It feels powerless and is in such disbelief that this manipulative side is so goddamn strong.
> 
> It feels like you’re watching a horror movie. You’re watching someone’s soul getting possessed and sucked away into thin air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG so... This might be one of my favorite chapters that I've written for this story so far. Even though it's extremely emotionally intense and dark at times, I had a lot of fun writing it.
> 
> BIG TRIGGER WARNING (besides ED)----  
> ** DEPRESSION, mild/moderate SUICIDALITY, self-hatred/feelings of worthlessness***
> 
> The song lyrics that are weaved in are from "Prayers for the Damned"
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! <3 I love you guys!

_1 week later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

Do you know what scares me?

Unpredictability.

My Bipolar Disorder has made a lot of aspects of my life unpredictable and chaotic, because of the drastic mood switches. They were never predictable. They happened when I least expected it, and I just had to go with it.

That’s why I had clung onto my behaviors... Exercising, restricting, laxatives, purging... I thought that they would stabilize things. I felt things getting more controlled and rigid, but not any-more.

I’m feeling like a swinging pendulum these days. My mood shifts are getting erratic, and it scares me. The thing about bipolar that a lot of people don’t know is that mania sometimes comes out as irritability or rage. Mania isn’t always a euphoric feeling.

Depressive episodes sometimes have moments of anger and frustration too. Right now, that’s what I see happening.

I’m definitely having a depressive episode, and I know it, but even despite the lack of energy and motivation, I have these surges of anger come to the surface. They’re unpredictable. I never know when they’ll come or how long they’ll last, but when it happens, it always scares the crap out of me.

I could be feeling numb and hopeless, with absolutely every last drop of energy drained from my body, and then.... suddenly....

I can find myself bubbling up with intense rage, where I have to fight the urges to punch a wall, or throw something. There are times that I can’t control it, and I do end up doing those things.

The only constant I’ve been finding that I have these days, besides our performances, is the heavy feeling of shame that festers inside of me.

I feel _contaminated_.

I hate feeling like I contaminate a place whenever I walk into a room. That’s what I feel like these days, and that’s why I never want to expose myself to the public, unless I have to perform... But on my days off, I just lock myself in whatever hotel room I’m staying in.

I will hide myself from everyone because of how horribly I feel inside.

All of the filth of my actions suffocates me, and the shame that it brings festers inside of me. I feel contaminated by all of the dirty things I’ve done... I feel contaminated by all of my wrongdoings...

The lying.

The manipulating.

The sneakiness.

The secrecy.

I feel choked by it all, and sometimes I feel like all of the filth that’s locked up inside of me will travel onto other people, and contaminate them too.

Depression is a real mind fuck, but when you pair it with the rest of this shit going on, you got yourself a recipe for disaster.

~ ~ ~

_Four days later_

DJ’s P.O.V:

_10:30am_

I woke up this morning and remembered that today is James’s birthday, and there’s no way that I could go through the day without getting him something.

That’s why I’m here... at a bakery. Usually, birthdays are happy celebrations. They’re full of joy and exuberance, but today it doesn’t really feel like that. Instead, it feels a little... somber.

There’s a part of me that’s wondering why I’m even here right now... Why am I bothering to buy him a cake when I know he’s probably not gonna eat it... Or he’ll eat some of it and hide the rest... Or he’ll exercise it off... or do something else....

My heart is just sinking, as I’m walking down the aisles of this bakery, because I miss when things used to be okay. I miss having James’s bright passionate self around... the James who had a light inside of him who would always crack jokes and never miss an opportunity to have fun.

Now, I feel like I hardly see him at all, besides when we’re on stage performing. He’s become a hermit. I don’t think he ever leaves his hotel room, or wherever we end up staying. The three of us haven’t had a room together in months, and part of me wishes we did, because then at least I know what’s happening. I can see what’s happening. I can see that James is still functioning...

How can I even call it “functioning” at this point? I mean, somehow on stage he gets himself to function... normally. But, I don’t know what goes on outside of that. Part of me wishes I could know, but the other part of me doesn’t want to.

I guess I just want some kind of sense of normalcy between the three of us, even if it isn’t real. It’s forced and it’s a false sense, but I just miss when things were normal. I miss it so much, and I can’t make things okay, but we can pretend for a minute or two that none of this shit is happening, right?

The brain is a crazy thing. It plays games with you to try to protect you from feeling scary things. I know that’s what I’m doing. I’m trying to disconnect. I’m always trying to disconnect but it doesn’t fucking work! It only works for so long, but here I am right now. Here I am buying a birthday cake because I want to pretend that when I knock on James’s hotel room door and give it to him, that he’ll eat it, and the three of us will laugh, and everything will be just great.

It’s a fuckin’ _lie_.

It’s not fair that it’s not gonna happen.

It’s not fair, but I’m doing it anyway. I’m doing it because I want to show him that I care about him and that he’s worth it as a person even if he doesn’t think so.

I just want him to acknowledge that he deserves to celebrate himself, even if he doesn’t think he does.

~ ~ ~

_‘When I wake up to the sound of demons_   
_They're always telling me that I'm no good_   
_And all the angels keep scratching at my door...’_

~ ~ ~

_3:00pm_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’ve been laying in my bed for this whole day so far, and I just can’t get up.

I have absolutely no energy or motivation right now to do anything. I even heard my cell phone vibrate a few times, but I don’t have the drive to answer it. I didn’t even look at what the number was or anything... I just groaned and let it continue to ring.

My head is pounding and my body feels like it’s carrying a ton of bricks, even though I’m laying down. I feel like it would be too much of an effort to even try to move, because of how weak and depleted I feel right now. My muscles are straining and my legs are slightly cramping. My mouth is dry too, but I can’t get up to drink anything... All I can do right now is just lay here.

What a fabulous way to spend your day off, right?

Honestly... This is basically how my days off have been lately. I don’t do anything. I can’t get myself to leave the hotel room.

Of course, the only things that I somehow find energy to do is self-destruct.... What else would you expect?

I’m a _sick_ fuck.

I suddenly hear the vibrating of my phone start up again, and all I want to do is moan right now. The noise of the vibration is making my head pound even harder, and the room feels like it’s spinning even though my eyes are squeezed shut.

I have the urge to just push the phone off of my bed, but I glance at it for a second just because there’s a bit of curiosity inside of me as to who’s interested in talking to my fucked up self.

I force myself to open my eyes just a tad, to be able to see the phone screen, and when I do, I see DJ’s name across it.

I let out a groan and push my face harder against the pillow on the bed, as I let my phone continue vibrating.

Once again, I’m just reminded of how much of an asshole I am for straight out pushing everyone away, and I just let the shame weigh me down even more than I already feel.

When I hear the vibrating stop, I feel a bit relieved, but it doesn’t last long, because soon enough it starts vibrating again. Part of me wants to punch something right now, but I resist. I peek at the screen and see that this time it’s Nikki calling me.

I feel like an even bigger asshole the moment I decide to end the call without answering it. I just don’t have the energy or motivation right now for this.

I don’t have the mental strength to interact with people... let alone get out of bed.

My brain fog is interrupted by two distinct rings. Text message alerts.

I breathe in and let out a long exhale, as I reach my arm out for the phone. I could feel my bone crack in my elbow... That’s just... great.

It takes a few moments for my vision to focus, but when it does, I find two texts from DJ.

_‘Dude. Come out.’_

_‘Get your ass out here! It’s 3 in the afternoon dude, I got something for you!’_

I would be lying if I said that part of me wasn’t embarrassed after finding out the time... However, that’s still not giving me any drive to do anything about it.

That is, until I hear loud banging on my door.

“James! Come on dude!”

 _Oh god_... Why? Why won’t DJ let up? Just give me some peace, goddammit!

“Get your ass out here!”

Well... it turns out that both him and Nikki are out there... Fuck. I’m not gonna be able to get outta this one.

“Come out, you fucker!”

I use the last drop of my remaining energy that I have to lift myself into a sitting position. My vision immediately goes black for a second, and I blink a few times to get it back to normal. I clear my throat and force out a quick, “Okay, okay! One second!”

It feels so painful to talk. My voice sounds groggy and raspy, and my throat hurts. By now you shouldn’t have to even ask why.

I slowly stand up, and as I rub my tired eyes, I suddenly have a sense of urgency to make sure I hid all of my tracks from behaviors I used last night.

Good thing I did, because I would have forgotten about all of the empty cans of Diet Coke that I left in the bathroom, and the shattered glass from a broken mirror, and the—-

“JAMES! What are you doin, come ON!”

I could feel my heart skip a beat, as I immediately push everything under my bed, and make my way to the door.

I breathe in, and close my eyes, praying that this will be fast so I could just go back to what I was doing....

You know..... _nothing_.

The second that I open the door, I find myself face to face with DJ and Nikki, as they throw confetti in my face.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

I jump a little because I was definitely _not_ expecting this.

I also don’t have the right words to express my humiliation...

I’m so sucked into my own shit that I didn’t realize it was my fuckin’ birthday today.

Before I can even open my mouth to say anything, DJ reaches for the ground and suddenly I have a birthday cake in my face.

I could feel my eyes widen and I _really_ hope it’s not too noticeable to the both of them. The only thing I can think right now is how I’m either not gonna eat the thing, or I’ll end up binging and purging it, and oh _god please no... Please no... Please no.._

_PLEASE... NO!_

I try my best to push the parasitical thoughts away, as I force a smile and let out a gracious laugh.

“You guys...”. I shake my head. “You didn’t have to do this...”

DJ rolls his eyes and laughs. “James, buddy, stop with that shit!”

I move away from the opening of the door, so I can let them both in, and he continues. “You always say that we shouldn’t do nice things... Stop!” He pats my shoulder and then gives me a hug.

I try to hide the tension that I feel in my body right now, but I doubt I’m doing a good job.

I can hear Nikki let out a light laugh, as he ruffles DJ’s mohawk.

“This one would have eaten the whole thing himself if we didn’t bring it over here!”

I suddenly feel an uneasy sensation in my body, because oh god... They don’t know that I could easily eat the whole fuckin’ thing too....

I feel a chill creep up my spine, and it actually makes me shiver. DJ must have noticed because he pulls away from me, and gives me his wide, concerned, puppy dog eyes look.

Before he’s able to express his concerns that will only make me feel like a bigger piece of shit, I spit out false reassurance, even though I know by now that there really isn’t a point since everything I do is see through.

“Don’t worry about it, D...”. I shake my head. “I’m used to this.”

It seems like every time I open my mouth to say something now, I just cringe. I’m sick of this tension that I feel when I’m around anyone these days, but there’s nothing that I can do to relieve it... I think I’m just used to it now, and that sucks.

Sometimes I really do miss the way things were....

I feel even worse about it all because I know that I’m the one that caused all of this. This is my own fuckin’ fault that the three of us can’t have that happy-go-lucky bonding that we used to, but unfortunately at this point, I don’t seem to have the energy to be able to do anything to change it.

Even if I did have the energy, it seems as though I just can’t do anything about it...

My life is consumed with this shit now, even if I don’t want it to be any-more.

“Well.....”. DJ gives a big, cheesy, smile, even though I know he’s probably forcing it. I can tell that he’s trying to put on a front right now... and it hurts. “Let’s eat this baby!”

He plops the cake on the floor, and removes the plastic cover. Before I know it, the floor is scattered with plastic utensils, and DJ is already digging into the thick, creamy, buttercream frosting like an excited little kid.

I can’t help but laugh, even though I’m feeling the opposite of exuberant right now.

“We’re just gonna eat it without plates?” I roll my eyes, to try to ease the tension that I feel building up in my body. “On the floor?”

That receives a shoulder shrug from DJ and he continues eating the cake straight from the container.

“I mean... yeah!” He laughs, as he throws a candy cherry at Nikki. “Why the hell not?”

“Ohhh... you’re gonna get it now...”. Nikki shakes his head with a devious looking smirk, and before I know it, the two are having an intense cake throwing battle.

Honestly... It’s so painful to watch them, because I know they’re probably trying to make everything seem semi-normal, and by me just sitting here like a stoic paralyzed statue, I’m making it harder for them.

“Hey James... Watch out!” DJ gives me an intense, silly, smile, as I suddenly find myself with a blob of frosting covering my nose.

I wish that I was able to find the joy in this, but I just can’t. I’m not feeling this whole “celebration” thing at all right now... It feels excruciating for me to have to sit through this when all I want to do is isolate myself... It just feels painful.

Despite all of this, I still manage to force a smile, and put my arms around Nikki and DJ’s shoulders.

My body feels tense with anxiety, because I know what the both of them are probably thinking right now... I know that they already assumed that they were gonna bring me this cake, but I wouldn’t eat it. It’s obvious. It’s like I’m the elephant in the room right now. I know they’re trying to disconnect, but it’s something that can’t really be forgotten, especially in a situation like this.

That’s when I decide that maybe I could attempt to create a bit of normalcy, even if it’s not even close to what normal used to be like. I bite my lip, as I hesitantly reach for one of the candy cherries on the top of the cake.

I can’t even explain what the energy in the room feels like right now... It’s almost a mix of slight tension, deep longing, and a bit of shame on my own part.

I feel a chill creep up my spine as I put the cherry to my mouth, and bite on it. I could feel my heart begin to race, and the catastrophic anxiety-filled thoughts start to circle around up in my head. I do my best to ignore them, as I force myself to swallow the sweet, red, sugar-filled ball.

It’s not long before I can feel my impulses creep up inside of me, and a wave of dread begins to wash over my body, because it’s in this moment when the chances of an episode happening are extremely high....

It’s times like this when all I want to do is run, because when my impulses turn on, they turn on strong. They become too powerful and I can’t stop them. Now, I’m bubbling with anxiety, and I can feel myself beginning to disconnect from reality.

_This can’t happen in front of them... This can’t happen in front of them... Oh my god... this CANNOT happen in front of th——_

“James?”

DJ’s voice cuts through my panic stricken tornado of thoughts, and I snap my head up at him. A look of genuine concern is written across his face, and I just feel that overbearing brick of shame press against my chest.

He puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. The tension inside of me just grows stronger, and I suddenly feel like I can’t move.

“Just wanna say.... I love ya like a brother...”. He ruffles my hair. “...and I hope that you take time to celebrate how fuckin’ awesome you are!”

Nikki nods his head in agreement, and adds onto DJ’s statement.

“You deserve this, James...”. He looks at me in the eyes and smiles. “...even if your brain is telling you something else.”

The second that the sentence escapes his lips, I feel a tiny lump beginning to form in my throat, and my whole body goes cold.

“Thanks for letting us chill with you for a little bit....”

The shame inside of me is eating me alive right now, and I’m just feeling suffocated. It feels like all of the deep wounds that I’ve kept hidden inside of me are about to pour out.

I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to deal with this....

I can’t listen to them say so many nice things about me when I know all I’m doing is fucking everything up. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t _fuckin’_ do this—-

I’m suddenly forced into a tight embrace between DJ and Nikki.

“Happy Birthday, you fucker.”

I feel completely paralyzed. My whole body feels frozen. My heart is beating so fast and hard right now. The venom that my mind is shooting out at me is so powerful.... so strong.

I can’t focus on anything, and I can’t stay present in this moment.

I can’t fuckin’ accept this right now, because nothing that I do will take away the truth.

I’m a horrible fucking person.

~ ~ ~

_‘I'm doing what I can to fight this anger_   
_I'm just a product of a living hell_   
_And I don't wanna live like this no more.’_

~ ~ ~

_11:45pm_

I knew that I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

I knew that I shouldn’t have opened the door and let DJ and Nikki in.

I knew I shouldn’t have accepted the company, because now this is how I’m spending my fuckin’ birthday... Locked in the goddamn bathroom barfing my guts out.

I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now, because I have so many emotions inside of me. They’re bubbling to the surface and everything feels so intense. Everything can be a blur for one second and then the next thing I know, I’m about to burst because my body can’t hold in all of these toxic feelings any-more.

I’ll try to stuff myself up with the food to block the emotions out, and then when I purge, I try to release everything, but sometimes it DOESN’T FUCKING WORK!

Tonight is one of those times.

I feel tortured in my head. I feel tormented in my skin. I feel trapped. I feel trapped in this body and trapped in this bathroom because I can’t get myself out of here! I can’t get myself out of here because I am NOT finished yet. It doesn’t matter how fuckin’ painful this is... I cannot get myself out of here or stop until I know for a fact that everything is out...

Even on my fuckin’ birthday, I can’t have a night without doing this shit!

And... of course the night of my birthday, it has to be one of the worst episodes.

I would never, and I mean... _never_ , wish anything like this upon anyone I know. I don’t care how awful the person is. I don’t give a shit if the person killed someone or did something so atrocious. No one... and I mean, no one, should ever have to go through this.

NO ONE.

~ ~ ~

_‘Everything is crumbling in my head_   
_Sometimes I wish I was...’_

~ ~ ~

_1:50am:_

What’s the fucking point any-more?

If I don’t die from this, I’ll probably die from something really _stupid_ anyway.

I’m not okay. I’m scared and I’m hopeless. I can’t sleep. I’m trapped in my body and I’m a danger to myself because all I keep doing is hurting myself one way or another...

Why hasn’t my body given up on me yet? I almost wish it did so I wouldn’t have to live in this torturous hell hole.

Put me out of my misery... I can’t fucking do this any-more. Nothing will take this pain away. I want to run away and escape it...

Make... it.... _stop!_

~ ~ ~

_‘Have you ever been abused by someone_   
_So brutal that it chills your soul_   
_Have you ever been afraid of your own ghost?’_

~ ~ ~

_8:30am_

I’m so depressed... I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m hopeless, I’m numb, and I’m exhausted.

After last night, all remaining glimpses of hope have diminished.

If I _ever_ have a binge purge episode that bad again, I might have to kill myself... This is not exaggerating. I feel completely tormented and tortured in my head, my mind, my body, the world, and in my own skin.

I can’t handle being alive in this body. I can’t do it any-more. I need so much help, but I have no strength or drive to ask for it. It takes too much effort... too much work...

It would be easier if I just rotted away... but if I did that, it would be _painful_. A slow, painful, death.

I need the pain to go away, FAST. I need a quick fix. Behaviors don’t do anything for me anymore. They don’t serve the purpose that they used to, but I can’t stop. I cannot stop.

I’m trapped and stuck in a very dark place; a very dark hole, and it feels impossible to crawl myself out. I’ve dug myself in way too deep.

All I feel inside is shame, disgust, anger, powerlessness, vulnerability, hopelessness, worthlessness, and sadness. It’s all festering. I can’t run away... I’m _trying_.

I can’t escape my problems and I can’t escape my past or my emotions. I just want to be safe and feel secure and be told that it will be okay... but it _won’t_.

My moods became very erratic last night, and I took my emotions out on myself. Everything became too much, and I couldn’t handle it.

I ended up beating myself up with a butter knife in the middle of purging yesterday. My self hatred was so intense and I felt so unsafe in my body, that I started to physically hurt it. I wanted to crawl out of it so bad but I couldn’t. I couldn’t fuckin’ escape.

My stomach is all bruised up, and it hurts whenever I stretch. I am in so much pain now, but I needed a release.

The purging wasn’t doing it. I needed something else. I feel so trapped and unsafe in my body, that I want it to break down.

Dying from this isn’t scary.

Having to live trapped in it is what is...

~ ~ ~

_‘I'm just a creature of a broken past_   
_We're all looking for a second chance_   
_And I don't wanna live like this no more.’_

~ ~ ~

_5:00pm_

Remember how I said that when my moods shift, they’re extremely unpredictable and I never know when it’s coming?

Well... we’re just about ready to go on stage and perform, and I can feel that surge of anger beginning to bubble inside of me. I’m not sure what triggered it this time, but it might have had to do with how much physical pain I’m in from last night.

I was in the bathroom, and suddenly felt a sharp aching pain in my stomach, because I accidentally put pressure on one of the bruises while pulling my pants back up. All of the horrible memories of last night immediately began to spiral in my mind, and now I’m just feeling everything all over again.

I can hear the horrible tape of thoughts go round and round in my head... The self-deprecating, shame-filled, core beliefs that I have about myself. It’s making me want to punch the wall of the room I’m in right now, but I can’t. I can’t do this. I need to calm myself down. I need to disconnect. I need to fuckin’ go on stage right now. I can’t act like a lunatic!

The only good thing that might come out of this is that maybe these intense emotions can help make our show more powerful...

~ ~ ~

_‘And all the madness rages in my head_   
_Sometimes I wish I was...’_

~ ~ ~

“Let me ask you a question... How many of you have been in a horrible relationship?”

You should hear the screeches that come from the audience. It’s so loud that I could swear I feel the stage shaking.

I could feel the fire burning inside of me along with them, as I continue.

“Well, if you have, then you know what I’m talkin’ about when I say that....”

I take a deep breath, and speak in a deep, intense tone.

“...Everything went to hell.”

DJ begins the opening riff immediately after I finish speaking, and I can feel my whole body beginning to shake with emotion.

 _“Everything Went To Hell”_ is a song that we wrote about being cheated on in a relationship. It’s an extremely emotionally charged song and whenever we play it, it feels like anger is shooting right out of me.

The only difference now is that anger IS actually shooting out of me.

I’m not in a relationship, and no one has ever cheated on me, but I am fed up with my goddamn brain... That manipulative, irrational, fuckin’ parasitical side of my brain... The one that leads me into doing things that make me miserable... The one that makes me feel like I’m living in a torture chamber... The one that puts me in so much physical and emotional pain, that sometimes I wish I was fuckin’ dead because of it.

Yeah.... that part of my brain.

It could burn the fuck in Hell.

I bite my lip, squeeze my eyes shut, and prepare myself to start letting out all of the toxic anger that is trapped inside of me.

“Sometimes it feels like you’re my fuckin’ enemy....”

How crazy does that sound? Can you imagine feeling like your own brain is against you? I hope you don’t ever have to.

“Sometimes I fantasize that you would die instead of me....”

If there was a way for me to shut off my brain... At least the fucked up part of it.... or just... kill it, trust me, I would.

“I could’ve loved you to death, but now I dance on your grave!”

That voice in my head seemed pretty innocent at first. I thought it had good ideas, and it seemed to know what it was doing when it led me to engage in things.

But, that’s the thing. The key word here is _thought_.

I thought it was good at first. I fuckin’ thought that I couldn’t live without it, but now I’m fuckin’ fed up! I can’t take it any-more!

“I try and I try but I can’t ERASE IT!”

As I belt out the chorus, I can’t get the image of how horrific the episode I had last night was. I can keep trying to block it out and forget it, but it’s not happening. It’s impossible. It was so fuckin’ horrible and the whole thing just constantly replays over and over and over in my brain.

It’s fuckin’ taunting me right here on stage. It’s been hours since it happened and it’s still taunting the shit outta me.

I’m trying to use all of this anger to give a powerful performance. I can feel my mouth quivering as I belt the next two lines.

“Thought you were HEAVEN sent! Then everything went to HELL!”

You know why?! Because I did think it was a fuckin’ gift from the gods! I thought what I was doing was helping me! I thought it was doing me good and that I found a life saving solution, but it’s not doing shit any-more!

Now I just feel absolutely miserable all the fuckin’ time. I’m frustrated and fed up, and also humiliated at myself for giving into my dumb god forsaken brain!

Why can’t I fuckin’ stop?!

My whole body is tingling with such intensity, as I continue.

“I watched you take him in... And I just stood there frozen...”

You know what it feels like when I’m giving in? It feels like my real self... you know, the part of me that’s rational and isn’t fucked up? I feel like that part of me is just watching the fucked up part possess me into doing things. It just stares at it in shock but it can’t do anything about it. It feels powerless and is in such disbelief that this manipulative side is so goddamn strong.

It feels like you’re watching a horror movie. You’re watching someone’s soul getting possessed and sucked away into thin air.

“You KILLED what could have been, and everything went to HELL!”

My body is actually shaking with venom right now. Its vibrating inside of me and all of this emotion is just fueling this performance.

“Sometimes it feels like you laugh at all my misery...”

Whenever I force myself to do something stupid and put myself in so much pain, all my fuckin’ brain does is taunt me afterwards. It just goes on and on and on, and it doesn’t fuckin’ stop!

“Sometimes I’m paralyzed by my reckless jealously.”

I’m constantly jealous that I can’t have a normal relationship with food or myself like most people in the fuckin’ world do. Instead I’m just trapped and sucked into a hole of self-destructive, isolative, secretive, fucked up behaviors, and I’m just sick of it!

“I could’ve loved you to death but now I dance on your grave!”

“I try and I try but I can’t ERASE IT!”

As I’m belting the lyrics, I’m starting to feel my devious mind race. I’m trying so hard to block it out, and ignore it, but now the thoughts are just getting louder.

_‘FAT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT, GO DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF FUCKING CRAP—‘_

I scream out the chorus even louder than the first time, as an attempt to silence my head, but it’s not working. I can feel that festering shame coming back to the surface, and all that does is enhance the noise in my head.

_‘I HOPE YOU DIE AND ROT AWAY. YOU DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. KILL YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE TO DIE AND HURT YOURSELF, YOU DIRTY DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT—-‘_

I’m beginning to just see red now, and I’m scared that I might end up snapping. I continue to try and focus on the words of the song...

“Thought you were HEAVEN SENT! Then everything went to HELL!”

_‘YOU ARE DEFECTIVE. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU DESERVE TO GET PUNISHED. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON WHO CAUSES SO MANY PROBLEMS IN EVERYONE’S LIVES—-‘_

If there was a way for me to scream these lyrics louder than what my mind is screaming at me, I would, but I fuckin’ can’t!

It’s so goddamn LOUD.

“I watched you take him in... and I just stood there FROZEN!”

_'I MAKE EVERYONE MISERABLE. EVERYONE WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF IF I WASN’T HERE ANY-MORE—'_

“Then everything went to HELL!”

The second that I hear DJ begin his solo, and all of those venomous rage-like sounds come out of his guitar, the rage inside of me implodes. Now there’s nothing I can do to distract myself from the thoughts because there’s no fuckin’ singing right now.

I can’t even focus on the music around me because those horrific images of the episode I had just got even more vivid.

_‘I DON’T DESERVE TO EAT. I NEED TO HIDE, I NEED TO DISAPPEAR—‘_

The longer the tape replays itself, the more suffocated I’m feeling, and the worse the beliefs are getting.

_‘I NEED TO KEEP ON SELF-DESTRUCTING. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME SOME KIND OF RELEASE AND RELIEF—-‘_

I can feel all of that intense anger beginning to peel off, and the shame that was hidden underneath it is coming out more... and _oh god_... not here.

_‘MAKE IT ALL STOP. I WANT TO BE NUMB. I WANT MY BODY TO DISAPPEAR. IT’S NOT SAFE—-‘_

The tortured and tormented feelings are coming back. The thoughts in my head are now desperate pleads, and I’m feeling choked.

_‘I WANT SOMEONE TO SAVE AND RESCUE ME FROM THIS TORTURE AND TORMENT AND HELL THAT I’M IN—‘_

The shame that I feel overpowers my cries for help, and it just becomes an excruciating battle, just like all of the other ongoing ones I have in my head.

_‘BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DON’T BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE AND I DON’T DESERVE HELP—-‘_

Everything is so loud right now. I can’t concentrate. I can’t bring myself back to the moment. I can’t even hear the music. I don’t even know where we are in the song.

_‘I DESERVE TO TORTURE MYSELF. I DESERVE TO PUT MYSELF IN PAIN. I DON’T DESERVE TO DIE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE THE EASY WAY OUT AND IT WOULD ALMOST BE A REWARD—‘_

It’s that sharp pain in my stomach that snaps me back to reality, and I suddenly feel that wave of pure anger again. I grab the microphone and belt as loud as I possibly can. I’m doing it this time. I will fuckin’ drown those thoughts out even if it kills me.

“I watched you FUCKING him!”

My throat is burning so goddamn bad, but I don’t give a shit! I’m letting it all out! I’m letting the fuckin’ venom out of me.

“Right then your life was OVER!”

_‘I DESERVE TO LIVE TRAPPED IN THIS HELL BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST TORTUROUS WAY TO LIVE THAT ANYONE CAN EVER EXPERIENCE—-‘_

Every time my mind screams, I scream louder. I’m straining my body so much but I don’t care.

“Thought you were HEAVEN SENT! Then everything went to HELL!”

_‘I DESERVE TO FEEL AS MISERABLE AND AS TORTURED AS I DO BECAUSE I AM BAD—‘_

Everything is clenched. Everything is tense. Everything is just full of toxic rage.

“I watched you TAKE HIM IN! And I just stood there FROZEN!”

_‘THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT FOR EXISTING—-‘_

“You killed what could have been! THEN EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL!”

I hold out that last word for as long as I possibly can, and give the middle finger, as DJ shreds the final last notes of the song.

When it’s over, I squeeze my eyes shut, and I can feel my whole body shaking. The audience’s screams are piercing, DJ is beaming with intense excitement, and Nikki looks fascinated.

All I can think to myself right now is how amazing it would be if I could use these bursts of anger in productive ways like this for now on....

I’m also thankful that today is almost over. If I can make it through the rest of the night without hurting myself or doing something self-destructive, that would be awesome...

That would be..... _very_ nice.

~ ~ ~

_‘Maybe I’m not alone_   
_Maybe if you take my hand_   
_And I reach up to God_   
_Maybe this time he’ll say a prayer for the damned_   
_What have I got to lose_   
_When I’ve already lost it all_   
_Maybe this time he’ll say a prayer for_   
_Say a prayer for the damned...’_


	29. Van Nuys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe you’re not at the point where you can see it yet, but I see it, okay? Your demons are eating away at you, and they’re fuckin’ killing you. They’re destroying you... They’re shooting shame at you, and that shame is fueling self-destruction...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorders, depression, erratic mood shifts, intense anger, etc...
> 
> Thanks for all of your ongoing support... I'm happy I finally got this chapter done :)

NIKKI’s P.O.V:

Addictions are tricky diseases. You can really only know the progression of one if you’ve been through it yourself, and I know the way that it creeps up on you. It creeps very slowly at first, and tricks you into believing that it will help you in the long run, but we all know that it continues to spit that bullshit out at you until it fuckin’ kills you.

Once you begin to spiral down that dark hole, it’s extremely hard to get yourself out. If you’re not careful, you will find yourself face down in the bottom of the pit before you can even blink. You ask yourself, “How did I let myself get here? I thought I could control it!” It’s a lie. Addictions lie. That’s what they do. They’ll feed you lies until the end of time.

They’ll continue to feed you lies, even as your behaviors escalate and your mental state diminishes. They’ll feed you lies even when you know that they’re lies, but you can’t even help yourself any-more. You still end up giving in, even when it becomes miserable.

Your moods begin to spiral out of control and you’ll end up having explosive breakdowns, resulting in breaking things and sometimes even hurting yourself, but you still give in.

Your behaviors become more dangerous and life-threatening, sometimes even scaring you, but you still give in.

You notice all of the signs of deterioration within yourself, and sometimes you wish you could stop all of it, but you still end up giving in.

The addiction overpowers everything.

Things can get worse than you ever imagined they would get, but in the end, if you’re too sucked into the illness, that side of your brain is going to be stronger than your rational side.

The reason that I’m saying all of this is because I’m terrified that James might be at this stage of his illness, and the things that I’ve been noticing are more than concerning at this point.

I know for a fact that a lot more is happening behind closed doors than I can see from the outside.

I don’t see James outside of performing, ever, and the first word that pops into my head is depression. This would worry me for anyone, but because this has to do with James, it’s even more so. James doesn’t have regular depressive days... He has depressive episodes because of his Bipolar, and when he has these episodes, they are... concerning. He’s told me about them. He’s explained how dark things get in his head when he’s at a low point, and how his motivation for things completely diminish, along with his will to live.

It’s hard to remember these facts, but I don’t push the reality away, even if it’s tough to face at times. It has always worried me when I’ve noticed his mania shifting into depression, but it’s worrying me even more this time around because it hasn’t seemed to happen for a good amount of time.

What’s even more concerning is knowing that his moods are shifting, and he’s stuck in the midst of an addiction. Addictions bring so much despair and hopelessness to people, even if they weren’t depressed in the first place, so if you already have diagnosed depression, it will only get worse when you add in the darkness and pure torment of the addiction itself.

I know when I was sick, my moods were extremely unstable. The longer that I was stuck in my addiction, the worse my depression got, and there were times where I had episodes of extreme anger. I’ve broken things in my house, like records that I had framed on my walls, because I had sudden bursts of frustration and didn’t know how to regulate myself. There were times that I blew up the speakers of my TV because I was hallucinating from too much cocaine, and thought that there was an intruder invading my space. There was even a handful of times that I inflicted physical pain on myself because there were so many difficult emotions that I didn’t know how to handle.

When James sang, _“Everything Went To Hell”_ , I could feel all of this toxic venom seeping right out of his skin, and I will tell you right now, in all of the years that we’ve performed on stage together, I have never seen a more intense, powerful performance from him than that one.

The thing is that now, after reflecting on it for a day, I’m connecting things that I couldn’t connect when I was up there performing with him...

James is having a depressive episode, but his moods are erratic. I’m not noticing his mania as euphoric or as a “good” high. He’s having mood shifts that swing from isolative depression to high strung, rage, and frustration... irritability.

The day before we performed that night was James’s birthday, and it felt like pulling teeth to get him to open his hotel door. I had a feeling that it was gonna be hard, because I know how depression is. I would lock myself away in the midst of my addiction all the time. I didn’t want to be around others because I was so sucked into my own despair, that all I knew how to do to pass my time was to engage in my own self-destruction. Unfortunately, this is probably true to James, also.

He did let us in though, but I could tell that he just wanted to go right back to laying down or whatever he was doing before. I just knew, and it hurt to see that because even on his birthday, the one day that he’s supposed to celebrate himself, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to.

If me and DJ hadn’t knocked on his door, he would have isolated for the whole day. He didn’t even answer our calls when we tried to reach him. There’s no doubt in my mind that he could care less about celebrating himself... and I’m pretty sure I know the reason why.

Addictions bring _shame_.

The shame that they bring is so intense that you feel like it will eat you alive, sometimes. It bubbles up inside of you and you don’t know how to make it go away, because you’re constantly reminded of how much you’re going against your moral values with every behavior that you engage in.

That voice in your head can be a complete bastard. It is so devious, and it will lie to you and trick you into doing things that you feel like absolute shit about. You have an internal conflict all the time because you probably hate the way you feel after lying and manipulating others, but the addiction is too powerful. It’s stronger than you are at this point...

The tricky thing about shame is that it actually continues the addictive cycle, and sometimes you don’t even realize it.

You’ll engage in a behavior and you feel like shit. Then, since you feel all of that shame, you might end up using more behaviors as a way to punish yourself for what you did. The issue is that every time you engage, you’ll feel that same shame, so it’s a never ending cycle of self-loathing torture.

There were many times in my addiction when I would use it as a way to punish myself. When I got sucked in so deep and knew that I couldn’t stop, I had almost accepted my fate, and began to just take all of my shame and anger out on myself. I would continuously engage in things that were painful and destructive, because I felt like I deserved it.

When you feel shame, you start to feel horribly about yourself. You start to tell yourself that you’re not worth anything, and that you don’t deserve anything in this world. You have trouble accepting love and help from other people, and you ask yourself why people would even give a shit about you, especially when you’re doing things that you feel like shit about.

I know that James never said any of that out loud, but sometimes actions speak louder than words do. I know him well enough to know that he probably feels this way about himself. That’s why I told him that he deserved to celebrate himself on his birthday, because I know that he didn’t think he deserved to.

When he ran away after I confronted him the other night, it was probably a decision that was made by shame. Some of his layers got peeled off when he started crying, and he probably got scared and felt vulnerable. He felt exposed, and the shame inside led him to run away from the comfort that I was giving him, because he probably thought that he didn’t deserve it.

Maybe he doesn’t think that he deserves help.

~ ~ ~

_‘I don’t want to die out here in the valley_   
_Waiting for my luck to change...’_

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_2:00pm_

Somehow, I made it through a full day without self-destruction.

I woke up this morning feeling a weird sense of... relief. I think just realizing that I was able to go a day without hurting myself, made me feel less trapped in a way. The episodes I have are tormenting on my mind and body... I wouldn’t wish them upon anyone who walks this Earth.

I told myself that if I went one day without it, then maybe I could make it through today without it too.

Well... I have a bad feeling that it’s not gonna be that easy...

If I made it through the whole day yesterday without binging and purging once, why the hell am I finding myself in the middle of a grocery store, pacing up and down the aisles, staring at all of the fuckin’ food right now?

~ ~ ~

_‘Everybody gets high_   
_Everybody gets low_   
_Everybody gets bruised_   
_Everybody gets sold...’_

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

There’s this huge part of me that feels this urgency to know what James does when me and Nikki aren’t around, because I worry about him so much... but then... there’s this other part of me that is scared to know the truth.

It terrifies me to know because I feel uneasy just seeing him. I don’t see anything he does, but I get upset when I see how much he’s disconnected from himself. I’m starting to not recognize him any-more and that’s a hard reality to face. It was tough trying to celebrate his birthday the other day, because he just didn’t seem to be feeling the whole thing. It broke my heart, but I tried to push that away and be joyful.

I’m confused because I do see him eat sometimes. The first question that I ask myself is “If he’s actually eating, then why does he look like he’s just getting worse?” He’s eating, but it’s definitely not enough. I keep thinking that he probably forces himself to exercise whatever he ate off, even if it kills him to do it... Even if it feels like _hell_.

I have no proof as to if that’s true or not, and the idea of it makes me feel sick, but there is that part of my gut that knows that what’s happening behind closed doors isn’t good... and it’s scaring me.

“Do you ever wonder...”. I look down and gulp. “Do you ever wonder what James does when we’re not around?”

“I just... I miss him, Nik.” I sigh. “I miss seeing him outside of performances, and I miss the three of us spending time together.”

I can feel Nikki put a hand on my shoulder, and he is giving me a paternal expression.

“I know, DJ.” He nods his head. “I do too...” He clears his throat. “It’s crazy what depression can do to someone... Addictions thrive in isolation...”

I pop my head up and can feel my eyes widening. “I just... I’m confused.”

Nikki’s brows furrow at my statement, so I decide to elaborate.

“Part of me wants to know what happens... Part of me wants to know what we don’t see...”. I pause, but feel a weird chill run through my body. “... But then, I don’t.”

Nikki gives me a signal to continue on, even though I feel like I’m rambling. I can tell he’s listening intentively.

“I mean... I don’t get it.” I can feel my face scrunching up, as I try to organize all of my thoughts. “I see him eat.... sometimes.” I feel a weird pit in my stomach after saying that because whenever I do see him eat it’s really hardly anything. “He does eat sometimes, but he just....”. I shake my head. “Nikki! He looks like fuckin’ death! He looks like hell and it’s only gotten worse this whole time, even when we did see him eat normal amounts, like that pizza! Remember?!”

Nikki nods, but I don’t give him a chance to say anything before I shoot out more thoughts.

“I know he doesn’t eat that much now, or I mean... I don’t know if he does.” I’m starting to feel frustrated because I can’t organize my thoughts into clear sentences. I feel like a fuckin’ child. “He must be exercising his ass off when we’re not around, because there’s no way that his body is absorbing what he’s eating... If it did, he wouldn’t be deteriorating the way he is!”

Images of James keep popping up in my head as I speak, and it’s making me question things even more.

“Right? I mean, unless he’s still taking those... _laxatives_...”. I cringe as I say the word, because all it does is bring up bad memories for me. “Or he’s not eating when we’re not here... But, I just don’t get what happens when he _does_ eat—-“

I’m cut off mid-sentence by Nikki, as he puts a hand on my lap.

“DJ....”. He shakes his head. “You know he’s not keeping any of that food down.”

I stare blankly at Nikki, not being able to fully process the sentence that comes out of his mouth. I furrow my brows in confusion, because I don’t understand what he means by that and why he would ever say that.

“Wait... what?”

I still find myself staring at him blankly, until after a few moments, it hits me.

I suddenly feel a chill up my spine and my stomach begins to twist up.

“You’re....” I’m finding it difficult to form a sentence without stuttering, because I can’t wrap my head around what he’s implying. “You’re not tellin’ me that he’s...”. My eyes widen in disbelief as I spit out the last few words. “... throwing it up?”

I immediately shake my head after I say that, because there’s no way that could be true! James would never do that! He wouldn’t!

“No... No way.” I continue shaking my head, this time with a sense of urgency. “He wouldn’t do th—-“

Nikki cuts me off before I can even finish my statement.

“DJ, come on...”. He gives me a fatherly expression, as he continues to talk. “It’s obvious.”

“You can’t just assume that!” I still can’t stop shaking my head, and I’m trying anything to push that possibility away. “You don’t have proof, Nikki!”

I notice Nikki biting his lip, and I have a feeling that he knows I’m not gonna like what he has to say, but he says it anyway. “I’ve been through my own shit, DJ. I know about this stuff...”. He puts a hand on my shoulder as he continues. “The longer these illnesses go on, the more they progress... and the more that they progress, the worse the behaviors get...”

“But...”. My eyes widen more, and I can feel my heart rate increasing. “But, we’ve seen him eat! I’ve seen him, and he hasn’t gone anywhere after!” My head is spinning as I keep shooting out defenses to Nikki’s statement. “Or... he just doesn’t eat at all!” I’m shaking my head again, because none of this is making sense. “He can’t be purging, Nikki.... I’m sorry, there’s no way.”

I don’t want to believe this. There’s no way. There’s _no_ fuckin’ way!

“Have you seen him, DJ? Have you noticed how pale he is? His coloring isn’t right, okay?”

I shrug my shoulders, and almost want to roll my eyes.

“He’s _always_ pale, Nik! What’s the difference?! He’s looked like this for months now! It’s probably because he’s not getting enough nutrients!”

Nikki is shaking his head now, and there’s a part of me that really just wants to walk away because I don’t want to hear anymore of this.

“This is different... This isn’t just regular paleness like before. This is a warning sign that some imbalance might be going on in his body...”

I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry more right now, because I’m not facing this. It’s not real. This can’t be real. No way.

“You’re just trying to make me believe you!” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Stop telling me he’s throwing up! He’s not thro—-“

Nikki continues speaking over my resistant remarks, but I don’t want to fuckin’ listen. I don’t want to, because this just doesn’t make sense. It can’t be happening!

“It’s not just the coloring, DJ.” He looks at me, and points to his cheeks. “Have you ever noticed his face being gaunt, yet the bottom sometimes looked a little swelled?” He starts rubbing under his chin. “That can happen from purging. Your salivary glands get inflamed—-“

“I don’t know where you’re getting this shit from! Are you just pullin’ it out of your ass?!”

I can feel myself starting to crack, even though I’m half-laughing right now because of the craziness of this whole thing, but I could swear I feel tears of slight frustration welling up in my eyes.

“DJ... I know the truth is scary to hear sometimes, but—-“

I don’t even remember what else he said. All I know is that I somehow ended up back in my own room because I don’t want to think about that possibility!

_Purging?_

I’m still shaking my head at the thought of it, but I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make my stomach feel queasy...

~ ~ ~

_‘I don’t want to die out here in the valley_   
_You don’t have to lie,_   
_I know that’s what I’ll do...’_

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_4:00pm_

I’m staring at the toilet in front of me, and all of the cans of diet soda that are scattered across the tiled floor.

All I want to do right now is _scream_.

WHY CAN’T I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER?!

What the _fuck_ is wrong with me?!

 _WHY_ can’t I control this?!

_WHY?!?!?!_

I am shaking with anger right now. I can’t get myself to calm down. I am so tense. My whole body is vibrating, and I feel hot. I’m sweating, and my heart is beating so fuckin’ fast. I’m staring at myself in the mirror and I want to punch it. I want to punch it and let the damn glass shatter everywhere. I don’t fuckin’ care. I don’t care if I make a goddamn mess.

If I was a fuckin’ normal human being, I wouldn’t be so goddamn fucked up, and I wouldn’t be living the way I am, like an incapable, worthless, piece of crap! I don’t even know what to think any-more. I’m just done. There’s no goddamn point. I’m so angry and disgusted and frustrated with all of this.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much, and I hate feeling powerless. I hate that everything has come to this.

It’s a fucking _addiction_.

I _can’t_ fucking STOP.

~ ~ ~

_Little demons in my head_   
_Creeping through like a thread_   
_They control my every move_   
_Making me do things that I do not approve_

_They send obsessions through my brain_   
_Forcing me into compulsions that only cause me pain_

_Little demons in my head_   
_Torture me into pure dread_   
_They lead me to places I don’t want to go_   
_And they won’t let anyone know_

_They haunt me with destruction_   
_They taunt me into pain_   
_They don’t care that I’m so drained_

_Little demons in my head_   
_Hold a grip on me, stronger than lead_   
_They strip me of my voice_   
_Leaving me with no choice_   
_To go against what I believe_   
_And never is there a reward that I receive_

_Destruction and pain_   
_No longer have a secondary gain_   
_Depression and shame is what they bring_   
_Not to mention, unpredictable and crazy mood swings_

_Little demons in my head_   
_Constantly repeat mean things people have said_   
_They never leave my brain alone_   
_Basically turning into an abuser’s clone_

_They possess me, they chain me_   
_And they shatter my soul_   
_Disconnect me from myself_   
_And where I want to go_

_Little demons in my head_   
_Leave me powerless to the road ahead_   
_Locking me in a dark room_   
_Possessing me into behaviors that fill me with pure doom_

_They don’t let me stop until I’ve done my best_   
_Giving me a never ending pain that burns my chest_   
_Pins and needles in my joints_   
_Making me ask_   
_“What’s the point?”_

_I’m left alone, filled with dread_   
_My only desire being getting to bed_   
_Just to escape the Hell_   
_That these little creatures seem to think is so swell_

_They leave me no energy to spare_   
_And they don’t seem to care_   
_How they sucked me into a hole_   
_So dark, so miserable_   
_That was their goal_

_All hope disappears_   
_As those little demons re-appear_   
_Ready to torment me once again_   
_And send my soul into oblivion_

_Little demons in my head_   
_Their only desire is to have me dead._

~ ~ ~

_The next day_

I feel like I can’t stomach anything today, and it’s all my fault because of how much I dehydrated myself yesterday with that extremely violent binge and purge episode. The worst part is that I was too afraid to drink anything afterwards... and it was 4:00 in the afternoon. I refused to eat anything the rest of the night, and I felt so weak and sick. It actually scared me.

I don’t wanna die, but with how I was feeling last night, I know that if I do that again, I actually might.

I couldn’t get myself to move from my bed because of how sick I felt... I actually sat through a movie. That’s how weak I felt—- that I SAT through a full movie.

I know for a fact that if I tried to work out, I would have collapsed. Every time I stood up, I felt so weak and my vision was so blurry. I thought I was blacking out, and now that I think about it, I kinda was...

Thankfully, I’m feeling a lot better now than I did earlier this morning. I felt crazy nauseous earlier from just drinking tea and I was sweating for no reason, as if I had a fever and it broke. Apparently that can happen if you’re extremely dehydrated, so I think it all makes sense now.

I think I just needed to wait it out, and I’m glad it worked, because it’s just about time for us to go onstage to kill another show... Hopefully I’ll feel well enough through the whole thing.

~ ~ ~

_‘Everybody gets high_   
_Everybody gets low_   
_Everybody gets bruised_   
_Everybody gets sold_   
_Everybody gets dark_   
_Everybody unfolds_   
_Everybody gets high_   
_Everybody gets so low...’_

~ ~ ~

_Two hours later:_

I made it through the show... _Thank god_.

I’ll be honest and say that there were moments where I wasn’t sure if I could do it because I felt waves of dizziness and slight nausea, but it was alright. I’m alright. I’m not feeling the greatest, but honestly I think that makes sense considering the night I had...

Right now, I’m back in our dressing room. I have no clue where DJ went, but Nikki’s chillin’ here with me.

“Hey.” I suddenly feel Nikki’s hand touch my forearm, and I automatically freeze up. “What happened here?”

It takes me a few seconds to register that he’s referring to one of my bruises from the other night, and if I could run away right now, I would, but I can’t. I thought I did a good job with the concealer today, but apparently I didn’t, and now I’m starting to silently freak out. I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest, but I do my best to not show the panic bubbling up inside of me.

Instead, I furrow my brows in fake confusion, as I eye the bruise on my arm.

“Oh...”. I let out a light laugh, and shake my head. “Fuckin’ bruises... It’s crazy how they can just pop up out of nowhere sometimes and you have no idea where they came from!” I continue to pretend to analyze my arm, as a way to avoid looking into Nikki’s eyes, but even without looking at him, I know his stare is burning a hole right through me.

I feel so uneasy right now, and my brain is telling me to escape and run. I feel vulnerable. This is uncomfortable. The memories that are being brought up for me because of that fuckin’ bruise are making me feel... _exposed_.

I feel like an onion who’s layers have been peeled off violently by someone, and the flesh is just left out in the open for everyone to see.

I finally decide that I’ve probably analyzed the bruise long enough, so I pull the sleeve of my jacket back down to my wrist. I can’t even finish before Nikki’s hand is pushing it back up.

“Lemme see that....”

I gently swat his hand away, and smile at him, even though I’m feeling the opposite of content right now.

“Nik, it’s fine... Seriously, it’s just a bruise!”

I’m internally cringing because I could even tell that the sentence came out a bit forced, and fuck my life because I should know by now how Nikki can see through almost anything—-

“You know that can happen when you aren’t getting enough nutrients, right?” As I hear him speaking, I can feel myself beginning to disconnect, because I already fuckin’ know that’s why it’s happening and I don’t want to be reminded of it. “Your body will bruise easily.”

Hearing the concern in his voice is making me feel even worse, and I’m doing my best to block everything out. I can’t get myself to answer him because I know it will probably come out snappy, or my voice will crack, or something equally humiliating will happen instead, so I pretend I don’t hear him.

A few moments of silence pass, and the tension I’m feeling in this moment is so strong. It’s just leading my stomach to twist and turn into knots.

_You’re a fuckin’ idiot for not covering the damn bruise up well enough! You weren’t getting any questions about it until now because you can’t even do that right! James, you’re fucking everything up at this point. Why are you even continuing to try to hide this shit anymore?! There’s no goddamn point. You’re a worthless piece of horse shit—_

Nikki’s voice suddenly cuts through the self-deprecation that my head is shooting out at me. He puts his hand on my forearm and speaks in a gentle, hushed, but worried tone.

“Did you do it?”

The second those words come out of his mouth, my stomach immediately drops, a huge chill rushes down my spine, and I feel a tiny lump in my throat.

_James, you are not crying right now. You’re not fuckin’ doing it. You’re not fuckin’ doing it. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, JAMES!_

Now, my heart is beating super fast again, and that initial panic that I felt is back, and I... I...

I feel like I’m gonna be sick.

Within a second, my guard of defensiveness, sarcasm, and slight frustration is covering up all of the shame that I’m feeling deep inside, and I immediately shoot out a quick response.

“Wh—what?” I open my mouth a crack to give the impression that I’m shocked by Nikki’s statement, and look down at the bruise. “You think I hurt myself and made this bruise?” I widen my eyes. “Why would I do that?” I point to it, and shake my head. “ _Me?!_ ”

There’s another period of silence that makes me want to jump out of my skin. I continue to feign disbelief, as I shake my head and flail my arms at Nikki.

“What would even make you ask me that?” I shrug my shoulders and let out a laugh. “Nik, you’re insane. I would _never_ —-“

I’m cut off by Nikki. He’s staring at me, and it feels like two daggers are stabbing me in the chest, but there’s also that fatherly look of pure concern.

“I did.” He bites his lip, and looks down. “I’ve done it, too.”

“Dude, I didn’t make thi—-“

“There were many times during my addiction when I didn’t know how to handle emotions... and they all built up inside of me...”. He shakes his head and smirks, as if there’s some weird kind of humor in remembering the chaos of those years. “I would get erratic, and sometimes I would have explosive bursts of anger, where I ended up taking that out on other things....”

I don’t want to hear him say this, because only I know that I’ve been doing the same shit...

“...It could have been records on my wall... or speakers in my house... or sometimes... it was inflicted on _myself_.”

I can’t even say anything to that even if I wanted to, because Nikki continues on before I would even be able to formulate a response.

I feel his hand on my shoulder, and he gives it a squeeze. “Sometimes, when you’re going through something dark, you don’t know how to handle it... Shame is a hard emotion...”. He breathes in. “If you don’t let yourself feel it, it will come out in pretty crazy ways...”

Suddenly, that urge that I had to run away just came on even stronger than before, and I begin to make my way out of the room, as I speak.

“Look... I really appreciate your concern, Nik. I do—-“

I can’t move another inch, because Nikki puts his hand on my back and stops me.

“Hey... Hey... Hold on a minute.”

His voice is gentle, and he keeps his arm on my back as he leads us back to sitting. I automatically open my mouth to speak, and even I can tell how exhausted I am from my voice. I’m feeling irritable but I really don’t want to show it.

“How long are we gonna keep talking about the bruise, man?” I give a look of desperation, that screams _‘please just let me leave already’_ as I continue. “...Or about how sick I look?” I close my eyes. “Nik—-“

Nikki shakes his head. “It’s not about that, James.” He looks around the room as if he’s checking that we’re the only two in here right now, before he speaks again. “I’m concerned about your moods...”. He pauses as he eyes my forearm again. “How are you feeling... mentally?”

Oh.... god. Part of me isn’t sure what conversation was worse. The bruise or this. He’s gonna ask me about my Bipolar. I just know it.

I don’t know how else to answer this question, honestly.

“Uh... normal?”

All that I get from that is a head shake from Nikki.

“You know that’s not what I mean, James.” He smiles, and puts his arm around me, as I just feel more tense. “I’m talking about your Bipolar.”

Didn’t I call it? Didn’t I fuckin’ call it? _God_ , I haven’t had a conversation about this in such a long time, and I wasn’t planning on having one this soon.

But, at the same time, I would have to be really stupid to think that it’s not obvious that my moods have dropped significantly. Only an idiot would see me isolating the way I am, and think nothing of it.

Ugh... _Fuck_.

“Where are you on the scale from mania to depression?” He looks at me with those fatherly eyes again, and I just want to crumble to the floor. “How low are you on that scale?”

“I... I don’t know?” I shrug my shoulders, and attempt to push the conversation over to a different topic. “It really doesn’t matter—-“

Apparently, I suck at avoiding things, because Nikki cuts me off mid-sentence with a tone of urgency in his voice.

“James, yes, it _does_ matter.”

“Look, I know how dark it can get in your head when the depression is bad, okay?” He’s squeezing my hands now. “You seemed like you weren’t having episodes as frequently, but I’m noticing something changed, and I’m worried.”

I want to plead with him to stop worrying about me because I don’t fuckin’ need people worrying. I don’t need them using their energy to love and care about me. It’s useless, and I don’t fuckin’ deserve to be treated nice like this. What is he not getting?! I’m a piece of shit! Stop trying to help me like this!

“I’m used to it, Nik. I’ve been dealing with this for years now. I know how to handle it. It just has to run its course, alright?”

I could hear Nikki take a deep breath and as he speaks he lets out a long exhale.

“I know you’re used to it, but that doesn’t take away how concerned I get...”. There’s a moment of silence.

“...Especially knowing that you’re dealing with this on top of what you’re going through right now.” I cringe at the end of that sentence, because I hate that even though I try to be secretive with what I do, it’s still obvious and see through. “You’ve always told me that your depressive episodes were bad, but when you have other baggage on top of that....”. He bites his lip, and squeezes my hand even harder.

“How bad are they, James?”

_It’s fine, Nikki! They’re fine! I’m fine! I’m fuckin’ fine! Stop! Stop! Please just... stop!_

“They’re really not different, okay? I promise, I’m okay.”

“I know it’s easier to lie to yourself because sometimes facing the reality feels uncomfortable, alright?” I can feel my heart beating fast, because now this is it. Nikki’s gonna tell it as it is, whether I like it or not.

“I don’t see you outside of performances. I don’t know if you ever leave your hotel room, and I don’t see what goes on in there when you lock yourself in, but I know that when I was really depressed I would do the same thing...”. He looks down and sighs. “I locked myself away, and I was just alone... I was alone with all of those dark, self-deprecating thoughts, and all they did was eat at me.” I could hear venom creeping up in his voice, and it hurts my heart to remember that he went through something so similar to me, when I wouldn’t wish this upon any walking being of life. “They ate at me, and they festered inside of me. The louder they got, the worse I got. The louder they screamed, the more I got sucked into the self-destruction... I dug myself deeper and deeper and deeper into the black hole, that took me years to climb myself out of.”

The intensity in his voice and the piercing stare that is being shot at me is making me feel paralyzed. I feel frozen. I want to run but I don’t think I even could right now. I can’t even open my mouth.

“It worries me to death to not be around you when you’re alone. I know how those dark thoughts can suck your soul away... I know how addictions suck the life out of someone... and I know how addictions thrive in isolation.”

I want to scream at him to stop. I wish I could block everything out right now but I can’t. I fuckin’ _can’t_ —

“Things get worse when you’re alone. The behaviors escalate because you forget how to sit with your emotions. You don’t know how to deal with your own head. You can’t handle the shame that’s festering inside.”

_Stop saying this shit! You don’t fucking know me, Nikki! You don’t know, so stop!_

“Look, I’m not with you when you lock yourself away, but I _know_. I know what’s going on, James. I know what you’re doing, even though I’ve never seen you do it... I know what goes on when me and DJ aren’t around.”

_YOU CAN’T JUST SAY YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!_

_YOU HAVE NO IDEA!_

_YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA NIKKI!_

_STOP!_

“...And I’m not mad at you for lying... It’s not your fault, okay? You lied through our intervention to protect yourself. You lied so you wouldn’t get your safety net taken from you.”

_Yeah, I fucking lied so I wouldn’t hurt you two, but apparently that still didn’t work because I’m a worthless piece of fucking shit! Why the fuck are you still trying to help me?!_

_Cut it out already!_

“Maybe you’re not at the point where you can see it yet, but I see it, okay? Your demons are eating away at you, and they’re fuckin’ _killing_ you. They’re destroying you... They’re shooting shame at you, and that shame is fueling self-destruction...”

I suddenly have a surge of cold-blooded adrenaline, and I’m able to get myself to stand up. I must have gotten up too fast because I have to blink away a few black spots that invade my vision. I could feel Nikki’s hand on me.

“James.... You don’t need to suffer _alone_ , in silence....”. Now he puts his other hand on my other shoulder, and looks at me in the eyes.

I could feel a tear beginning to well in the corner of my eye, which just makes me feel more vulnerable.

“You don’t have to hide it any-more.”

My defenses immediately shoot up, but this time they come out in the form of sarcasm and apathy.

I pull myself out of Nikki’s grip and let out a cold, dull, lifeless laugh, as I shake my head.

_“That’s funny.”_

~ ~ ~

_‘And everyone’s eyes are blue_   
_And everyone’s mouth is dry_   
_And nobody wants to die in Van Nuys...’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really like weaving song lyrics into my chapters... if you couldn't tell that already (lol)


	30. That's Gonna Leave A Scar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I still know there’s tears dripping down my face as I speak through gritted teeth. 
> 
> “Well, at least now I know that if something happens to you, I’ll make sure you’re buried in Los Angeles.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorders, depression, body dysmorphia, panic attacks, alcohol 
> 
> This chapter is a shit show, but it was extremely fun to write at the same time... especially because of the comic relief (which was very much needed!)

_1 week later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now because I gotta be honest... There is really no part of me that is thrilled about having our album release after party tonight.

I know we all worked incredibly hard on the double album, and now it’s finally the day that we get to release the second half to the world, but I’m gonna be completely worn out after our show... I already know that I’m just gonna want to go back to my hotel room and lock myself away.

But, tonight I’m not gonna be able to do that. I’m gonna be forced to be around everyone and I’m gonna have to put on that facade that I’m so accustomed to wearing these days... except I’m gonna have to keep it up for the whole night.

Honestly, even though I’ve gotten used to embodying a different persona when I’m performing, it’s gotten extremely tiring. I’ve had to do this for so long now, and I’m getting sick of it.

Going out and performing every other night has become very draining. Pretending everything is okay for our audience is exhausting. It takes too much energy. It takes way more energy than I feel like I have these days.

On normal nights, I get to hide away from the world after performances. I get to let my mask fall off because I’m alone... It’s only me and my thoughts and emotions that are locked up in that room, so there’s no one that I have to hide my problems from. I don’t have to pretend. I can just... be.

But... tonight... I’m feeling so much dread.

The shows are exhausting enough... Having to put on my facade for two hours is long enough, but I’m gonna have to keep it going.

I don’t even know who the hell is even gonna end up being at the party, but I just know I’m gonna be surrounded by a ton of people... maybe even fans... and I’m just gonna have to act normal... like there’s absolutely nothing wrong.

I’ll have to act as if I’m thrilled and passionate and excited, when in reality, I’ve lost most of those sparks that were once held deep inside of my soul.

My soul feels empty — I’m starting to feel so disconnected from the person I used to be. Sometimes, I look at myself and I don’t even know the person that’s looking back at me. I don’t see myself. I see a monster. I see a person who is completely different from who I thought I was... and I don’t know how this happened.

How did I go from someone who was excited, motivated, and passionate about everything I did... to a hollow, lifeless, isolative, self-destructing bastard?

My soul feels empty, but at the same time, it is full to the brim with debilitating shame, rage, and hopelessness.

These horrific emotions consume me. They suffocate me and leave me feeling paralyzed. I don’t know how to handle them, and the only way I know how is to self-destruct, but in the end everything I do makes me feel even worse. I feel worse, so I engage again... The cycle doesn’t end.

I’m trapped.

I’m living in Hell, and I hate it, but I don’t know how to stop. I wish I could, but I don’t have the energy to try to change anything, because I don’t think I CAN change.

I’ve lost hope. This has been going on for too long now, and I’ve begun to accept that this is how I’ll be living the rest of my life. There’s no point in trying to change — because if there was, it would have happened already.

It would have worked when I tried to stop, but it didn’t.

I don’t think it ever will.

~ ~ ~

_Why?_   
_Why am I like this?_   
_Why did I turn out this way?_   
_With a love for self-destruction_   
_Self-sabotage_   
_And pain_   
_It destroys me, piece by piece_   
_I am shattering and breaking_   
_Disappearing_   
_Disintegrating_   
_Separating from the person_   
_I once was_   
_So far gone._   
_My soul is lost_   
_In the depths of darkness_   
_And depression_   
_Isolation and resistance_   
_Control me_   
_And push me further_   
_And further away_   
_From the light I once held._

~ ~ ~

_Seven hours later_

DJ’s P.O.V:

The day has finally come! We’re at our album release party, and boy, have I been waiting months for this!

We just finished two acoustic performances of songs from the new album, which went awesome, by the way. Now, we’re gonna be answering some fan questions.

I tap my mic to make sure it’s still working right, and clear my throat.

“Now, were gonna do a quick little Q and A with you guys!” I smile real wide because I love when we get to interact with our fans like this. “Whoever has questions, just spit ‘em out!”

It doesn’t even take a second before the crowd starts shooting out questions. They’re all screaming them at the same time, and I can’t even make anything out. I bite my lip trying to hide my smirk, and look over at Nikki who’s giving the same expression. James doesn’t seem fazed by any of it, but that’s probably because he’s in some other world... a world that no one should have to experience.

I’m just about to lean in closer to try to hear some of the questions, but luckily one of the security guards gives hand motions to get them to lower the volume.

“Well, I see we got a rowdy crowd tonight!” I smile, and rub my hands together in childlike excitement. “We wanna answer your questions but we have to be able to hear ‘em!”

That gets the room to quiet down a bit, and I can see Nikki giving a thumbs up.

“Well, lets here ‘em!”

“What’s your favorite Sixx:AM album?”

Damn, of course the first question has to be one of the ones that I can’t think of an answer to!

Luckily, Nikki jumps right in.

“My favorite Sixx:AM album is the _next_ Sixx:AM album...”.

Don’t ask me why part of me wants to flick his head for giving a wise ass answer like that, but I do. He’s just smirking at me, as the crowd is giving half-confused expressions.

Nikki shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, it’ll confuse everyone since no one can get it yet...”

That receives laughs from everyone, and I can see James giving him the same look that I am, but then nods in agreement.

“You know... That’s a _good_ answer.” He furrows his brows, as if he’s deep in thought. “I think our double record as a unit is our absolute best work so far.”

The audience seems to agree and James gives a gracious smile. He then looks at me.

“What about you, DJ? What’s your favorite album?”

I can almost feel myself blushing just a little bit, because I actually don’t have an answer, and I guess everyone’s about to know that.

“Uhh....”.

The room is silent, as everyone is patiently waiting for my response. I feel like I’m about to crack up because they’re anticipating such an intense answer, when I literally don’t have shit to say.

After a few moments, and many smirks between me, Nikki, and James, I break the silence.

“Sorry guys.... I got nothin’ !”

Apparently many people found that funny, and I can hear a crowd of laughter. I laugh along with them, and so do Nikki and James.

Honestly, this is what I love about our fans. They laugh with us. It’s like they just get us, ya know?

“Alright! Next question!” James has a big, smile goin’ on, as he leans in to hear. “Whatcha guys got?”

“What’s your favorite Sixx:AM song?”

I have to hold in my urge to smirk again, because here’s another question that’s gonna be hard to answer.... This is slightly embarrassing but it’s fine. It’s good.

James looks like he’s contemplating how he’s about to answer... Maybe he doesn’t know how to either. Part of me is hoping that’s the case so I don’t look like an awkward weirdo.

“Hmm... I feel like it would be better to do our favorite song off of each record....”. He pauses for a few seconds until he gets an answer. “...but I’ll just go with ‘ _Skin_.’”

The second that he says that, I feel a chill creep up my spine... It’s just.... _God_ , the fuckin’ _irony_ of it all.

“...and you know what? Lemme tell you guys... That song wasn’t actually supposed to be on _‘This is Gonna Hurt._ ’” He looks down and smiles. “I had actually written it by myself when I was living in Nashville, and I had no intention of it being on our album, but...”. He gives Nikki a smile. “... _‘This is Gonna Hurt’_ was written around a lot of Nikki’s photography.... It’s about how people are quick to judge... How for most of humanity, judging is a habitual thing.”

Nikki nods in agreement, but let’s James continue.

“But then... When I wrote _‘Skin’_ , it was almost like a reaction to our whole album....”. He clears his throat. “That’s when I decided to just share it with these two to see what their thoughts were, and...”. He looks at me and gives a huge smile. “They were both like, _‘Dude... this has to be on the album.’_ ”

I’m smiling, because I do remember when we first heard the song, and it was actually the perfect message for the album...

“And... that’s how that song came to be!” James let’s out a light laugh, and turns to me. “Now that I rambled on enough, what’s your favorite song, DJ?”

I laugh and grab my mic. “You know, I originally didn’t have an answer...”. I pause and James shakes his head in fake disappointment. “I know, I know...”. I look down. “But, you were talkin’ about _‘This is Gonna Hurt’_ and it reminded me of how much I like ‘ _Goodbye My Friends’_... so I’ll go with that.”

James nods in satisfaction and turns to Nikki. “And yours?”

Nikki lets out a groan, but then smirks. “That’s a hard question....”. He looks deep in thought, with his hand on his chin. I would love to mess with him right now, but I’ll let him off this one time only. “I think I’m gonna go with _‘Life is Beautiful_ ’, because it was our first big hit...”. He’s smiling, and so am I, because it really was the start of everything for us. “It was an important point in our career.”

“Cool, cool.” James clears his throat, and perks up like he suddenly just had an epiphany. “You know what? Let’s do another round... One song from each record.”

Our crowd seems to like that idea, so James proceeds on.

“Alright, Nik, here we go.” He looks at him intensely. “ _‘Heroin Diaries Soundtrack._ ’”

Nikki doesn’t think twice before he spits out his answer.

“ _Life is Beautiful._ ”

I decide that it’s time to bust his balls just a little bit. I clear my throat and speak under my breath with a hint of sarcasm. “Figures.”

I get an expected eye roll from Nikki, and he sticks his tongue out at me like a kid.

“Alright, what about _‘This is Gonna Hurt’_?”

“Uh....”. Nikki rubs his chin again. “ _Smile_.”

James nods. _“Modern Vintage?_ ”

“Uhhh.... _Goodbye_ —-“. There is a pause until Nikki gives a look of slight embarrassment, and laughs into the microphone. “I was gonna say _‘Goodbye’_ , but... uh...”. He starts giggling. “That’s on the wrong album!”

Oh that’s it. I’m not missing this opportunity. I can’t help it.

“You’re gettin’ old, man....”

I’m trying to hold in my laugh but I can’t, so I just start laughing as Nikki just stares at me like he’s embarrassed by his rowdy kid. That just makes me laugh more, though.

He shakes his head. “You’re so funny.... So hysterical.”

With how pale I naturally am, I bet my face is so flushed right now from laughing, but you know what? It was totally worth it.

“ _Let’s Go_.” Nikki looks at James. “That’s my answer.”

“Alright! Sweet.” There’s a quick pause. “DJ, you’re up.”

I take a deep breath to hopefully keep me from cracking up again. “Give it to me, bud.”

“ _‘Heroin Diaries?_ ’”

I smile widely.

“ _Life is Beautiful._ ”

I’m suddenly cut off by Nikki, who’s giving me a look of fake exasperation.

“Hey! He can’t do that.” He’s staring at James. “I did that!”

Well, screw my plan of not laughing. It’s obviously not happening.

James shakes his head, and smirks. “Dude, I don’t think the audience had any rules for this.” He turns back to me. “Alright... ‘ _This is Gonna Hurt?_ ’ “

I can’t even start answering before Nikki cuts through, with his mighty sarcasm.

“I don’t like this... This is a stupid idea!”

I shake my head and just grin. James does the same.

“Bitter....”. He sighs. “Bitter musicians.”

The crowd just laughs, and James looks at me, signaling that I could answer now since Nikki is behaving himself.

I clear my throat. “Well, I already said I love _‘Goodbye My Friends_ ’, so that would be the one.”

“ _Modern Vintage?”_

“Hmm...”. I bite my lip as I think hard. “I think... ‘ _Stars_.’”

The audience cheers at that one, and I give a victory nod. I turn to face James. “Alright, James, give it to us!”

“Okay let’s see... um... ‘ _Van Nuys_ ’...”. He nods. “Yeah, I like ‘ _Van Nuys_ ’ for _‘The Heroin Diaries_ —-“

“Oh, he’s trying to be all artsy now!”

Of course, Nikki brings the sarcasm back out. Honestly... I would be super concerned if he wasn’t like this.

James just rolls his eyes, smiles, and sighs. “Ohhhh man...”. He shakes his head at Nikki. “Alright, I’ll also say _‘Goodbye My Friends’_ for ‘ _This is Gonna Hurt_ ’ and I think I’ll go with ‘ _Stars_ ’ for ‘ _Modern Vintage._ ’”

I smirk in satisfaction. “Nice.”

As I’m laughing along and answering questions, I’m realizing that it’s really nice. You know... Doing this is a good way to take your mind off of what’s been goin’ on with James. It’s almost like it’s not even happening.

“Alright!” James starts talking to the crowd again. “Any more questions?”

“Can you each tell us the meaning of one of your tattoos?”

I excitedly rub my hands together. I fuckin’ love talking about tattoos. I don’t know why.

“Oooh... yes! Cool question!” James lets out a light laugh, as he scratches his neck. “It’s funny. Nikki called me one day and was like, _‘Dude, I’m gonna get some laser tattoo removal_ ’ and I was like, ‘ _What? What happened?_ ’” He smirks. “Nikki was like, ‘ _Oh, I just ran out of space. I wanna get some new ones!’_ ”

You should hear the laughter that is coming from our crowd. It’s contagious. Soon enough, all three of us are laughing along.

Nikki laughs into his microphone. “We sure do love our tattoos, don’t you think?” He starts pulling up the sleeve of his shirt. “My first tattoo was a black rose...”. He examines his arm, trying to figure out where the hell the thing is, but it’s not easy... I mean... How could it be? The dude is covered from head to toe in tats.

“It’s probably somewhere around here...”. He laughs. “It has a black spiderweb and a black heart...”. He pauses and smirks. “I was kind of a dark child.”

I let out a little snicker at that, before I start explaining mine.

“So...”. I clear my throat. “I think my mom had distinct handwriting, and she was staying at my house when we were on tour...”. I’m starting to feel a little sentimental. “I rarely get to see her, but she left me a note that said, _‘I’ll always love you._ ’”

I can hear many _‘awwws’_ coming from the audience, and I blush a little, as I wrap my hand around my wrist.

“So, I decided to get it tattooed right around my wrist...”. I smirk. “It’s kinda a stupid idea but... She didn’t like it ‘cause she’s Christian so...”. I laugh. “It kinda backfired on me!”

You know, I gotta crack a joke whenever possible. Especially when I talk about things that make me feel like a cheesy kid.

I smile as I turn to James, waiting for him to answer. He immediately grins, and starts talking.

“The last tattoo that I got was this one on my chest...”. He starts to lower his shirt down just enough so you could see the lettering, but I still can’t help but feel a gnawing sensation in my stomach, because even with hardly any of his skin showing, I can still see his prominent chest bones.

I bite my lip and blink a few times to get myself back to the present moment, as James continues.

“It says, _‘If found, return to Los Angeles.’_ ” He laughs a little, and I can tell it sounds a tiny bit forced.

“So dark...”.

Of course, Nikki... Of course.

I can hear James take a breath. “...and I thought...”. He shakes his head. “I had just spent five years living in Nashville, and the longer that I was there, the more I missed the West Coast.” He smiles. “I had been on the West Coast for twenty five years...”. He pauses, as he shrugs his shoulders. “...and I thought, ‘ _Well, that would be good. If anything ever happens to me, I wanna be buried in Los Angeles...._ ’”

I can hear James let out a laugh... It almost sounds nervous... like he isn’t sure if he should be finding humor in what he just said.

I suddenly feel my whole body going frozen, and there’s a weird, hollow, feeling in my gut. An uncomfortable tingling, chill, is shooting up my spine, and I feel my eyes widening slightly... I hope no one else notices that.

Part of me is wondering if Nikki is having the same internal reaction... or if it’s just me.

“...So, I figured I’d make sure of that.”

I silently gulp, as I look at James. Then, I look at Nikki.

All I can think to myself is how fast something so carefree and humorous turned into something so... _morbid_.

Jesus... I need a few more drinks to get through the rest of tonight.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I can’t even tell you how relieved I am that we finished that question and answer session. I really hope I did a good job at acting as natural as I could, but oh man... it was exhausting, and just painful.

If I could, I would just leave right now, but I can’t. This isn’t like a normal night where I can escape to my isolative corner... The party hasn’t even been going on that long and I already wish I wasn’t here.

It’s not just because of all of the people. The music is blaring so loud, and I have another migraine. Why am I surprised? These happen daily now, and I should be used to them... No... do you know what the worst part of being here is?

 _The food_.

Normally, if there was food around, I could just leave. I could avoid it. I wouldn’t have to be around it, but right now... I have no choice in this matter. This is our party, and I’m not allowed to leave, and I’m being forced to be in the presence of all of this food... Food that feels like it’s beginning to haunt me.... taunt me....

I can feel panic starting to bubble inside of me. I’m sitting down right now, but I can already feel myself fidgeting. I can’t concentrate or focus on anything except my anxiety. I know my head is about to start spiraling.... I can feel it...

Being around all of this food is getting me so riled up that it’s making my urges to exercise really high... even though I didn’t even touch anything.... Even though I know I would absolutely dread it because of how much pain I’m in right now. Sitting in this fuckin’ chair hurts my back, but I would still work out any-way...

Now, that’s all I can think about... How if I wasn’t here right now, I could have been burning off all of this panic that I’m feeling... but I can’t. I’m just fucking sitting here, and all of my emotions are just swimming inside of me and I can’t do anything about them. I just have to let them fester.... I feel too full.

I feel contaminated and filled up with discomfort. My body doesn’t feel safe right now. I’m starting to have those sensations where I want to crawl out of it and rip my skin off, even though I know it wouldn’t do anything... It doesn’t matter. It’s bad enough having these dysmorphia episodes while I’m alone, but now... I’m in public, at my own album release party... Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—-

This is so fucked up.

I didn’t eat a damn thing, but I still feel like I need to empty myself out somehow. I still feel too full.... The shame and disgust that I feel within myself is making me feel like I’m taking up too much space. I feel vulnerable. I don’t want to be out in the open like this. I need to fuckin’ HIDE.

I need to be empty. I need to fuckin’ sweat. I need to disconnect. I don’t even know what to do right now. I’m starting to see tunnel vision.... That’s what happens when anxiety gets so high... You start to drift away from the present.

All I hear is the noise in my head.

That’s all I hear, but you know what I see?

All my vision is focused on is the goddamn food....

...and the worst part about this is that even if I try to stop myself from what I know is about to happen, it won’t do anything. There’s almost no point in attempting to be normal right now, because it’s not happening.

I have to eat for the sake of our audience not questioning anything, and if I eat anything, it turns into something else... and right now, I have no way of getting out of what I know is going to end up happening....

I thought the dread that I was feeling earlier about coming here was strong... God... That was _nothing_.

This dread is heavy.

This is the dread of knowing that an inevitable episode is about to fuckin’ happen in public.... around fans.... in an open space.

...and I can’t do anything about it.

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

This party’s been goin’ on for about three hours now, and so far I’ve had three or four drinks... I’m not really sure. I stopped counting.

I’m trying to act carefree, but I need to be honest and admit that it’s not that easy. _Fuck_... Ever since James talked about his tattoo, I’ve had a sick, uneasy feeling in my gut. I know that I’ve known about that tattoo for years, but the meaning of it is really hitting me hard right now because of everything that’s going on. Of course when he got the damn thing years ago, none of this shit was happening, so the meaning seemed pretty innocent.

But... now... I don’t even want to think about it, and that sucks. I can’t find the humor and jokes in things that we used to find funny, because everything seems so dark. I can’t even explain what I’m feeling. Honestly, I wasn’t even gonna drink this much initially, but I didn’t feel right after the Q and A, and I want to enjoy this party, so hopefully the alcohol will ease things... a little.

Also... That whole fuckin’ tattoo thing got me thinking about what Nikki told me the other day... You know, how he says that James throws up...

I don’t want to believe that. I really fucking don’t, and I don’t think I actually do, but... I would be lying if I said that seeing James pick at food hasn’t made me start thinking...

God... I don’t want to fucking think about this right now! This is our album release party! We’ve worked so hard on this double album... The day has finally come for us to release the second half. We should be celebrating right now... not worrying.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I _knew_ that this was gonna happen so why am I fuming right now? Why do I want to punch this bathroom mirror? Why do I want to punch myself?! Why do I want to scream?

You know why?

My thoughts! They’re fuckin’ loud. They’re louder than the freakin’ music that’s blasting throughout the venue. I didn’t even eat a lot. I hardly ate anything, but the thoughts are eating me alive. I couldn’t handle being around everyone while feeling like this, so I ran to the bathroom, and that’s why I’m here.

I can’t even tell what’s real or not anymore. I feel like everything is distorting itself.

I’m so hyper aware of everything. My body feels unsafe. My mind is fucking unsafe. Everything feels _wrong_.

I still want to fuckin’ exercise because I feel tormented. I feel so tormented. I feel like my body is playing games with me right now!

The food that I ate isn’t digesting. It was NOTHING! It was fuckin’ nothing! It was hardly anything and it’s just sitting in my stomach like a goddamn rock, and I want to scream! I need to empty myself out, and I want to sweat it out, but I also don’t fucking want to because I’m in pain. Everything fucking hurts.

The longer I’m just standing here with my emotions and thoughts, the faster my head is going, and the more tortured I’m feeling in my body.

I feel like I’m crazy. I feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me. I feel delusional and psychotic. I don’t understand why this happens!

WHY DOES MY BODY TORMENT ME LIKE THIS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME?!

I can’t deal with this! I’m taking up too much space and I need to get it off! Cut my fuckin’ body off me. Please... anyone! I will pay someone to help me escape this shell. I can’t do this!

My head is spinning. Everything feels blurry. The music is blasting but it feels fogged up. My vision is blurring, and it feels like I’m the only one in this venue. The walls of this bathroom feel like they’re closing in on me.

My heart is beating out of my chest, and my whole body is getting hot. The more I stand here, the more hyper aware I am of how much my fuckin’ body doesn’t know how to digest food any-more!

Why the hell won’t it digest?! It’s fuckin’ torturing me! Jesus Christ... It has ONE goddamn job and it won’t fuckin’ do it!

If I could scream right now, I would. I would scream at my body for being a fucking piece of shit.

I’m feeling so much rage, but I’m feeling anxious and I’m weighed down with shame at the same time. I can’t handle this shit!

I don’t even think before I spit out whatever food is brought up, because of my stupid body’s lack of digestive ability. The only fucking issue is that now... I think I triggered more urges, and even more emotions are shooting through me.

That panic that I was feeling before... Well... It just got a whole lot stronger.

This is exactly what I meant when I said I knew that the inevitable was going to happen. I can feel my impulses bubbling up to the surface, and I know I can’t stop myself.... Its my emotions that are about to run the show now.

Without thinking, I walk out of the bathroom and back into the venue. The music is still blaring and colorful lights are flashing that is just making my head hurt even more. I can hardly see anything... My only focus right now is on the food.... again, but this time....

_“James, try this one. It’s so good.”_

_“There’s this really good tapioca over here.”_

_“Here, have some of this.”_

_“Dude, you gotta have this!”_

_“James! You will not regret trying this.”_

_“You could use all of the food you can get, buddy... You’re lookin’ thin these days..”_

_“You hardly ate anything! Have some of this!”_

_“Everyone’s raving about this chocolate mousse.”_

...this time, I don’t reject it... This time, I actually eat everything, and appear normal to everyone while I’m out here, but.... but....

They don’t know what the fuckin’ inevitable is. They don’t know how I’m back in the goddamn bathroom right now.

They don’t know that even at my album release party, I can’t stop myself from destroying my life.

They don’t know that I gave up hope. They don’t know that this is what I fucking do every goddamn day... multiple times a day. They don’t know that I feel like I’m living a double life, because I have to put on a fake facade for them every night. They don’t know how painful and excruciating this is for me, both physically and mentally.

They don’t know the way the evil, manipulative, devilish voice inside my head is taunting me right now.

They don’t know how much I wish I could break my body down because of how tormented I feel having to live in it. They don’t know how miserable living like this is, and how my body is just adding onto all of the misery I already give myself. They don’t fucking know how much disgust and repulsion I feel towards myself. They don’t know that I would rather live in a fuckin’ pile of horse shit than be stuck attached to this body for the rest of my life! They don’t know how living in this body feels cruel and inhumane to me...

They don’t know how I wish someone could help me escape it. They don’t know how I’m fucking forced to be trapped inside like this. I have no fucking choice! I’m trapped in my body and I can’t do a goddamn thing about it.

They don’t know how sometimes when I do this shit, I don’t know if I’ll fuckin’ make it through the rest of the day. They don’t know that sometimes I get scared that my body will finally give up on me from this. They don’t know that even though it terrifies me to die, that sometimes I almost wish it would happen, so all of this pain would go away.

They don’t know any of this, but here I am, using my behaviors in their presence....

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

You know what? This party ain’t that bad... I’m having a good time. The alcohol is doing its job, and it’s doin’ it real well. I’m in that mode now where I don’t give two fucks about anything.

I’ve gone to tons of parties in my life, but I’ve never been one to really hit the dance floor. Tonight, that changed for some reason. I’ve been dancing my butt off like a fuckin’ boy band member, but you know what? _Fuck it_!

Nikki isn’t being subtle with his reactions, I’ll tell ya that. He’s been staring at me like I’m his punk rock wannabe kid, and he’s the father who is dragged along to all of the crazy events. He’s such a trooper for dealing with me. I’m a fuckin’ demented person, but you know what? Nikki fuckin’ did this when he was younger, and if he says no he’s fuckin’ lying!

“Nice moves, DJ!”

Nikki’s bellowing voice catches my attention, and I look up to see him smirking.

“Maybe we should rename our band ‘ _Backstreet Sixx:AM_.’”

I start wiggling my hips as I walk up to him.

“You know you wanna join me! Don’t even lie, you fucker!”

I would fuckin’ die if I got Nikki to dance with me. Are you kidding? That would be hysterical.

“Come on, dad! BUST A MOVE!”

He finally gives in, and I swear I haven’t felt this level of cheesy excitement in a while.

As we’re dancing our butts off like a weird emo, goth couple, I can feel my mind begin to wander...

I could have sworn that not too long ago, I saw a ton of people swarming around James with food... Maybe I’m dreamin’, but I think he might have even eaten some of it, too...

I wonder how the hell he reacted to those people though. Fuck, that must have caught him off guard.

Speaking of James... I haven’t seen him since then, which was like... what? Forty minutes ago? Who knows. Honestly, who can keep track of time when they’re drunk?

“Hey, have you seen James?”

I scream over the blasting music, because Nikki’s gettin’ old. You never know how his hearing is... I’m fuckin’ with him, you know that!

“What?”

Shit... Maybe I’m not. I can’t help but giggle at the thought.

I nudge him and poke his nose like a five year old.

“James! Have you seen James around?”

Nikki gives me a look of recognition.

“Ohhh...”. He cranes his neck to look around the room real quick, and furrows his brows. “Not sure.”

“You know what? I gotta take a piss! I’ll look for him while I’m at it...”. I smirk. “He could join our dance troop.” I laugh at the thought, and give Nikki an intense stare.

“I’ll be back.”

I raise one eyebrow and start walking out of the crowd of people on the dance floor. As I’m walking it’s really hitting me how much I have to pee... Sometimes I forget that happens when you drink a lot.

The second that I find the door to the bathroom, I have a funny thought.

_Imagine if I couldn’t fuckin’ hold it and had an accident... while dancing....._

I can’t hold in my laugh, and as soon as I walk in, I start cackling out loud. I don’t even care who hears me at this point.

A few moments after I find a stall and start doing my business, I could swear I hear someone barfing. My first thought is that someone probably drank a little bit too much...

That thought changes the second that I hear the person clearing their throat, and I can confirm that I know the person.

I can also confirm that he didn’t get sick from drinking, either, because he doesn’t drink any-more.

All of a sudden, I feel like I’ve sobered up.

I hesitantly open the door to my stall, and peek my head out, before walking out. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and force myself to speak.

“James?”

My whole body feels paralyzed, and I have a really sick feeling in my stomach, because oh... _my god_.

Nikki’s voice won’t stop replaying in my head.

_‘You know he’s not keeping any of that food down...’_

I start to shake my head frantically, because I still want to push that away so badly, but... but...

Oh... _god_.

It’s in moments like this when I will do anything to try to disconnect from reality.

_Please... Someone tell me that this ISN’T happening right now._

I can feel a huge lump forming in my throat, and my body is slightly trembling.

_I am... begging._

“James? You okay in there?”

I want to smack myself because I can hear my voice shaking like a pussy.

I suddenly hear the toilet flush, and the stall opens, revealing James. He’s wearing his sunglasses, and he’s just looking at me.

“Oh...”. He’s forcing a smile. I can tell. “Hey, DJ.”

My body still feels frozen in place, and I can’t get myself to move. I feel like I’m in some kind of traumatic shock.

I’m begging internally right now for this to not be true. All I want to do is plead. I want to shake his shoulders and scream.

_For the love of God, please tell me that you only threw up because you don’t feel well. Tell me it’s because your body can’t handle so much food!_

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, and there’s a hollow feeling in my stomach that’s making me feel sick.

_Just don’t tell me that you forced yourself to throw up all of the food that you ate tonight... on... purpose._

I take a deep breath, and close my eyes.

“Pl....”. I hesitate, but then just spit it out. “Please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.”

James is furrowing his brows, and it’s obvious that he’s forcing it. He lets out a laugh and shakes his head.

“How much did you drink tonight, dude?”

It’s in this moment, where I really just want to go up to him and shake the hell outta him. I feel like I’m about to cry, and _Jesus Christ, not here... Not here... not now_.

I’m still begging in my head for this to not be real, but I’m realizing it now...

I could beg and try to push the reality away as much as I can, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I do, because I’m not stupid.

As much as I’m begging for it not to be true, I know it is. I know exactly what he did in there.

My heart feels like it’s been stomped on and broken into a million pieces.

I fight back my impulses, and just stare at him.

“You think I didn’t hear you barfing?”

I’m trying so hard to not let my voice shake, but I’m about ready to give up, because I can’t help it right now.

There is silence after that. The only sound that I can hear right now is the blaring music. I feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin.

All I’m getting is a blank stare from James. He’s literally just staring at me, completely expressionless.

“James... Please say something.”

My eyes feel like they’re about to pop out of my sockets, and I still can’t move. That is, until, I see James start walking away.

“What do you want me to say, DJ?”

He sounds exhausted, but there’s a hit of irritability in his voice. What’s even more haunting is how apathetic he seems to the whole thing.

“We gotta go back out there and thank everyone for coming.” He opens the door. “Come on.”

I catch up to him before he can walk out. I suddenly have my hands on his shoulders, and he’s just staring at me. I know he’s wearing sunglasses, but I can see how tired his eyes are. My whole body feels shattered right now.

It’s not long before I can feel James pulling away. His voice is firm.

“DJ, we have to go.”

I finally stop fighting and let go of him. I can feel tears welling in my eyes, and I don’t even know what I’m feeling.

It’s like a mixture of deep sadness, frustration, and fear.

I can feel my frustration bubbling up to the surface as a way to conceal my deeper emotions, but even so, I still know there’s tears dripping down my face as I speak through gritted teeth.

“Well, at least now I know that if something happens to you, I’ll make sure you’re buried in Los Angeles.”

The last thing I see before the door is shut is a tiny tear dripping down James’s face.

I immediately feel my body crumbling to the ground, and before I know it, I have my head in my hands. I’m shaking and I can’t breathe right.

I don’t know how long I’ve been in here, but I realize that I’m gonna have to eventually leave to say bye to everyone. I slowly drag myself off of the floor, and when I catch a glance at myself in the mirror, I cringe. My fuckin’ eyeliner is dripping down my face like Alice Cooper, and I’m flushed from the mixture of alcohol and crying.

I realize that I’m gonna have to pull a James and wear my sunglasses. Luckily, I have them with me all the time, and with shaking hands, I slide them on.

I take a deep breath, and walk out the door back to the venue. Before I even begin to make my way to where James was headed, I down three more shots up at the bar.

I don’t want to feel anything right now. If I could forget about everything I would, trust me.

I’m just about to take a fourth one, when I feel someone grabbing the glass from me.

“DJ, that’s enough.”

_Nikki?_

I turn my head and see him. He’s giving me a fatherly, concerned look, but I also know that he means business.

“You’ve had enough to drink, tonight...”

His voice is gentle, and I can feel his arm around my back. Part of me wants to lean into it, but I resist.

“Come on... We’re goin’ back to the hotel...”. I feel myself getting lifted out of the seat. “James left already. Everyone’s gone any-way... “

I can’t get myself to talk. I feel like I’m still in some kind of shock, but I’m too drunk to care at the same time.

Suddenly, I feel myself tense up, and I dart my head up to Nikki. I’m staring at him with wide eyes, but he can’t see that because of my sunglasses.

Nikki must notice the change in me, because he immediately squeezes my shoulders.

“What’s wrong?”

In my half-sober state, I still dart my eyes around to make sure no one else is near us, before I let a tear drip down my face.

Nikki repeats himself, but this time with a sense of urgency.

“What’s wrong?”

The whole world feels like it’s crashing down on me, and before I know it, I find myself in the bathroom with Nikki. He’s looking at me in the eyes with such genuine concern.

“DJ, what’s going on?!”

I finally give in, and speak. My voice is shaking, and my eyes are squeezed shut.

“You were right....”

I can feel tears dripping down my face, and my body is trembling.

“I heard him do it...”


	31. I'm Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please... For your own sake, save your energy...”
> 
> I shake my head and breathe in, as an icy laugh escapes my lips, even though I can feel tears of shame welling in my eyes.
> 
> “I’m fucked up, DJ.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG TW!!!!!! --- This chapter is EXTREMELY descriptive with specific ED behaviors! 
> 
> The lyrics weaved in are from "I'm Sick."

DJ’s P.O.V:

“I heard him do it..."

I let out a snotty sniffle, as I point to the bathroom stall with my shaking arm. "Right in there..."

I can hardly form coherent sentences, because now I'm crying hysterically like a child. Nikki has his arm around me, and he is rubbing soothing circles into my back.

"And...." My mouth is open, but I can't get the words out without trembling. My heart feels like it's about to pop right out of my chest, or even creep up to my throat. "And... He..." I cover my face with my hands, immediately soaking them with my tears and smudged eyeliner. "He just.... stood there!" I'm shaking my head because I still don't want to face this horrible reality. It fuckin' hurts.

"He just fuckin' stood there!" I'm biting my lip and trying to speak through gritted teeth. "It's like.... It's like he didn't even care!"

The second that I say that, I feel like I've been stabbed with a dagger right into my heart, and everything inside of me is gushing out.

"Why doesn't he care?!" My vision is blurred up from the tears and the alcohol that's still in my system. I feel like my cries are louder than the music that is still blasting. "Why doesn't he----"

"Shhh... Shhh...." I can feel Nikki's arms wrapping around me, as he speaks in a soothing tone. "DJ...."

I can hardly hear anything because of how riled up I feel right now. Everything is blurring together... The noises in the room... My thoughts... My emotions...

"DJ, it's okay....."

Everything feels so jumbled up and chaotic. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to handle this---

"I should have listened to you..." I'm clenching my fists, as Nikki secures me in his arms. I'm absolutely wrecked right now. I feel like every aspect of my life has been broken down into a ton of pieces. I feel like I'm crumbling. I can't even breathe right.

"I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you...." My voice is muffled from my tears. "I'm sor---"

Nikki's grip on me tightens, as I'm crying on him. I've stopped counting how many times this has happened between the two of us during the past year.

"DJ...." He gently pushes my head up, so I'm facing him, and looks at me in the eyes. "You don't need to apologize...."

I immediately push my head back down, and press it into Nikki's chest. I don't want to be seen right now. I just want to run away from this. I don't want to make any of it more real than it already is.

"The truth is painful, DJ..." Nikki is squeezing me even tighter now, and I can hear the pain in his own voice. "It's so fuckin' hard... DJ, I know...."

~ ~ ~

_2:00am_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I.... I can’t put into words how I’m feeling right now....

I just know that I somehow made it back here, huddled in the corner of my hotel room, with tears dripping down my face, after.... DJ...

Oh my god, I don’t want to face this right now! I don’t want to fuckin’ face this right now—-

I can’t stop crying because it fuckin’ happened.

I swore to myself over and over again that I would never let DJ see me destroying myself like this... I would silently beg every day for him to not see it. I even had nightmares about him seeing it...

He fuckin’ saw!

He heard me!

He _knows!_

It’s not that I didn’t think he knew... I already knew that him and Nikki knew... But... it’s just.... it’s different.

It’s a whole new level of pure shame, when I know that he actually _witnessed_ me doing it.

My heart feels cracked right now, because I don’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve to be so scared and upset over me. I never wanted to put him in so much pain. DJ is like a little brother to me, and I know that he sees me as a mentor sometimes... He sees me as his older brother, and he’s told me that he looks up to me.

I feel so guilty.

He looks up to me, but I’m a horrible fucking person who just does horrible fucking things.

The second that I heard him come in the bathroom, I felt frozen, because I _knew_. I knew that someone was in there, and I knew that someone was about to witness what I was doing, because even then, I couldn’t stop myself!

I fucking continued even when I heard DJ call me. It’s so fucked up, but I’ve lost the motivation to try to change despite all of this.

I wanted to run away and escape the reality the second that I opened the stall, and saw him standing there, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even speak at first because I was paralyzed with pure.... shame. Of course, in that moment, apathy and frustration bubbled up as a way to protect me from being vulnerable... even though I already felt extremely vulnerable... I couldn’t cry in front of him. I just couldn’t, especially because he was the one that was hurting so goddamn bad!

I saw it in his fuckin’ eyes. I couldn’t even look at him... I didn’t want to. I came off as a person who didn’t give a fuckin’ shit, when in reality, I _do_ give a shit!

Of all people, it had to be DJ!

Why did it have to be him?!

I’m curled up right now, and I’m crying so much that it’s getting really hard to breathe right. I shouldn’t even call it breathing... It’s hyperventilation. I’m shaking, and trembling, and sweating. I keep trying to curl myself even tighter, but I can’t!

All I want to do is crawl out of my skin right now, because I don’t fuckin’ deserve to live after everything I’ve done!

Why do people care about me?!

I don’t fucking understand why anyone would give a shit, and want to help me, and are hurting because of me, when all I’m fucking doing is hurting them! All I’m doing is causing problems, and creating misery and darkness in the world.

The world is fucked up enough. It doesn’t need my screwed up ass to add onto it!

I just want to hide away and not be seen at all. I want to disappear... I want to make myself smaller. I don’t want anyone to see me or come near me...

I’m such a fucked up person. I can’t even stand being near myself. Nikki and DJ shouldn’t have to deal with my sick ass every goddamn day! I don’t know why they even bother keeping me around.

If I’m so sick of myself, how the _hell_ are they not sick of me?

I’m a fuckin’ _monster!_

My eyes are squeezed shut and my head is in my knees. My clothes are just getting soaked with my tears, as I hear my head scream venomous things about me...

I want to scream at it to shut the fuck up, but I know there’s no fuckin’ point, because it won’t listen, no matter what I do.

My emotions are everywhere. The shame is pressing me down lower into the ground, but surges of anger keep popping up. I feel hyper-vigilant... I’m hyper aware of everything, but at the same time, I feel like I’m beginning to disconnect from reality because of how intense everything is right now.

The rage is bubbling up inside of my whole body, and I can’t even control it now. I feel it. I feel my whole body tensing up. I suddenly pop my head out from in between my knees, and without thinking, I grab the first thing that I see and throw it across the room.

I can hear the loud bang of the object hitting the wall, but it’s just making everything worse.

I’m at the point now where I feel like I’m a wild animal going rampant. Everything is spinning. My mind is racing... My body is trembling, and my head is pounding.

“FUCK YOU!”

I can’t even stop myself from screaming out loud. The venom is shooting out, and I can’t regulate myself.

“YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!”

My throat is burning, as I yell, and my heart is pounding.

“GO DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE, YOU PATHETIC ASS-HOLE!”

The more that I scream, the heavier the tears drip down, the more my throat burns, and the more my body just... hurts.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

My head hurts, my throat hurts, my arms hurt, my chest hurts...

I still can’t regulate my emotions, and I can’t regulate my breathing. The combination of such intense anxiety, and anger, and shame, and everything...

The combination of feeling this high strung and being in a body that feels physically compromised... It’s fuckin’ _scary_.

I can’t control myself right now, even though I feel like someone is pressing on my chest really hard. I’m hyperventilating but my heart feels like it’s palpitating. My chest burns, and I’m feeling lightheaded... and I know it’s probably because I’m not getting enough oxygen into my lungs.

I also know it’s probably because of purging so much... My body is getting put through hell every goddamn day, and now the emotions that I’m feeling is just straining it more.

I don’t even know how my body has the energy to feel this angry, and throw all of these things, and scream so fuckin’ loud, when I literally feel like I might die right here...

I’m trying to calm down, but I can’t. Everything is just getting... _worse_.

~ ~ ~

_The next morning:_

DJ’s P.O.V:

God... I feel like _hell_.

I woke up with a horrible, pounding headache, and part of me is wondering why I’m complaining about a hangover, when I’ve had a shit ton of them in my life. Ugh... That doesn’t make any of it fun, though.

At first, everything seemed like a blur. I woke up wondering what the hell happened last night... But then... god... it all came back to me, as soon as I felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom. The second that I got sick, I remembered _everything_.

I wish I didn’t. I wish I could forget it, but I can’t. I can’t run away from the truth. I can’t push away what happened and what I know is real now.

I’m sitting here on my bed, and part of me feels like crying, not only because of the physical pain I’m in, but also because... I just feel really _bad_.

I was so drunk last night, and I reacted so badly. I didn’t mean to come off rude to James at all. I was just.... I was just fuckin’ scared and so... so.... so fuckin’ upset. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. My brain was all fucked up from drinking and... I couldn’t regulate myself.

I think I came off as an asshole, especially when I went and used the meaning of James’s tattoo against him.

_‘Well... at least now I know that if something happens to you, I’ll make sure you’re buried in Los Angeles.'_

_God_ , that was such a douche-bag thing to say. I feel horrible about it. I even saw a tear drip down his face when I said that.... Ugh... I’m such an asshole!

James probably thinks I’m mad at him, and _oh my god_ , that is the _farthest_ from the truth. I’m not mad... I’m just... I’m scared, and I’m hurting. I’m scared to death, and I don’t want anything to happen to him! I’ve looked up to him for years... He’s like an older brother to me, and I could never be mad at him for going through something. It isn’t his fault... I’m just upset, because it’s fuckin’ hard to see someone you care about go through this.

It’s hard to see someone you love hurting themselves for what seems like... no reason at all.

~ ~ ~

_‘I, I bit down on my tongue to see if I could feel_   
_To see if I've been missing anything_   
_And I, I crystallized my lungs to show you they were real_   
_And waited for a sign that never came’_

~ ~ ~

_2:00pm_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I stopped counting how many public bathrooms I’ve been in so far today....

I don’t even know how the hell I ended up here... in the heart of the city that we’re staying in... two trains away from the hotel.

It’s times like these when all of my logic and rationale disappears. All my decisions feel like they’re made by autopilot. I hardly even remember anything because everything happens so fast when I’m in a mode like this. There’s no thinking involved whatsoever.

I woke up this morning on the floor near my bed... I must have fallen asleep sometime in the middle of my breakdown last night, and _god_... My whole body hurt. My back was sore and I felt like an eighty year old... I also had absolutely no energy or motivation for anything.

Everything felt like a daze of depression and numbness... That was... until...

My phone was right next to me and it kept vibrating. Of course, at first, I didn’t want to answer it or even look at it, but I gave in. When I did, I saw multiple texts from DJ.

_‘I’m sorry about last night.’_

_‘I’m not mad at you, okay?’_

_‘I didn’t mean what I said... I was drunk.’_

As soon as I saw those messages, all of the memories of last night started to come back to me, and so did all of the emotions I felt, and I just... I couldn’t fuckin’ handle it!

I couldn’t handle it, so my impulses must have just switched on, and I ended up running... literally.

I grabbed my big, black hoodie, a scarf, and my sunglasses, as a way to hopefully disguise myself.

I left the hotel, and just ran. I didn’t even know where the hell I was going, but I just wanted to get as far away from the hotel as possible... I wanted to push the memories and reality of what happened last night away as much as I could, so I kept walking further and further away.

That’s when I spotted a train station, and I just hopped on the first train that I saw approaching... I didn’t even know where it was going. I just jumped on, and huddled myself in the far, back corner, as the shame from last night once again began to choke me.

As soon as we hit the next stop, I pulled out the biggest bill I had from my pocket, and handed it to the conductor, not even knowing the charge for the ride, and walked out.

I walked out and the first thing I saw was a quickie mart. The second thing I noticed was that I had ended up in a different part of the city that I had no clue how to get around in.

Despite my confusion, I still immediately entered the store, and went straight to the food aisles. I just stood there at first, and stared at everything, as I felt that deep, deep longing for all of the things that I’ve been missing out on for months because of this shit.

Thank god I covered myself up as much as I could, or else this would have been extremely embarrassing.

I don’t know how long I was standing there for, but I soon began to pace around the whole store. I went up and down the snack aisles, and observed every single detail of the foods that were on display. Then, I walked past the drink cases, and my mouth felt dry just looking at them, since I hadn’t drank a damn thing since last night... and I was super dehydrated.

Everything kinda feels like a blur at this point, because it all happened so fast, but what I do know is that I remember suddenly having a surge of adrenaline, and before I knew it, I was walking out of that store with a bag full of food.

It didn’t take long before I found a nearby pharmacy, and snuck into their bathroom in the back of the store. Of course, the first thing I did was pray to whatever god there is that no one would be in there. My pleads must have been heard because there were only two stalls, and they were both empty.

I have no idea how long I was in there for, but I do know that it felt like I would never leave. It took a long goddamn time, and it was super painful, because of the foods that I decided to eat... It’s like they just wanted to stick to my stomach and not let go... It’s like my body was fuckin’ begging for some nutrition, and was resisting my fucked up behaviors.... but... unfortunately, I’ve been doing this for way too long now that even my body couldn’t resist all the way, and it gave in.

I was so paranoid that someone was going to come in, and hear me, or even see the cans of diet soda that I had on the floor. My heart was pounding with anxiety, and I constantly peeked out of the stall to check if I was still alone. I felt like I was on such high alert, like I was committing a horrible crime and was at a risk to get locked away.

The thing is that inside I _did_ feel like I was committing a crime, because as I was doing my stuff, that shame that was festering inside of me started to burst out of me. My mind started shooting out horrific things about myself as I was barfing. It made the whole episode even worse than it would have been, because then, I ended up straining myself even more. I made it hurt more, on purpose, because I felt like I deserved it.

Of course, when it was all over, I felt like shit. I felt like all of my energy had been sucked out of me, and everything fuckin’ hurt so badly. My throat felt like I swallowed glass. My chest was burning with acid because of the acidic drinks I used to bring the food back up. My hands were turning a weird purplish color because of how cold I was. My heart felt like it was palpitating, and I was physically shivering.

I just sat in the stall for a few minutes before I left, because I didn’t think I had the energy to move. I just sat there and wanted to cry, but I also felt disconnected and numb at the same time.

I somehow found the energy to get my ass up, and quickly cleaned up my tracks before leaving. Part of me just wanted to go back to the hotel so I could curl up in the corner and isolate myself, but then I remembered how DJ and Nikki were there, and I still couldn’t bear the possibility of having to face DJ after what happened last night.

I ended up finding a park a few streets down, and sat myself on a bench.

It’s insane how the only times I’m virtually okay with sitting down is when my body feels too compromised to be able to do anything...

It didn’t feel right sitting out in the open like that. I would have much rather found a place where I could hide myself from the world, but I figured that since I was so fuckin’ cold, being outside was probably the better option... The temperature outside was way warmer than the bathroom I was in... Maybe it would help my body warm up, just a little bit.

I stayed there for a while. It had to be for at least an hour. Everything felt fogged up, and I couldn’t concentrate. My vision was even blurry and things felt sort of _unreal_. I’m smart enough to know that it was probably because of how low my blood sugar had dropped from what I did, and that was confirmed the second that I started to feel intense hunger bubbling up inside of my body.

I knew that it was going to happen. I knew it was, because it happens whenever I have an episode where purging is involved. The thing is that usually these episodes happen very late at night, or even in the middle of the night, so I end up being able to sleep a little bit of that hunger off, and I don’t have to deal with it.

However, today was different. This episode happened in the middle of the day... Actually, it was pretty early in the day, so I couldn’t just avoid that intense hunger like I would have in the past.

I felt a huge sense of dread, because I knew that I was going to end up repeating what had just happened a few hours prior. However, I also felt apathetic and didn’t really have the energy to give a shit, because I already expected my day to go this way... The behaviors are automatic now. I don’t see a point in even trying to stop them, or try to control the urges anymore.

It’s not gonna happen.

I’ve tried, and it didn’t work.

So.... what the _hell_ is the point?

To make a long story short, what happened earlier happened two more times.

I found a store with food... I bought the food... I felt horrible about myself and couldn’t handle my emotions.... I found a public bathroom.... I purged... I felt like death... and I found a place to rest....

....until.... the cycle started up again, of course.

~ ~ ~

_‘If I'm not breathing, resuscitate my soul_   
_Bring on the shame, bring on the pain_   
_Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more_   
_I say yeah, we are the ill and the deranged_   
_Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more’_

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

“I... I think he’s mad at me, Nik.”

I’m sitting on Nikki’s hotel room bed, because I asked if I could come in to talk.

“I feel so horrible about how I acted last night....”. I have my head down, and Nikki has his hand on my shoulder. “I didn’t mean to come off as an asshole.”

Nikki shakes his head.

“DJ... You’re entitled to feel whatever you’re feeling.” He sighs. “I know it’s tough, and I don’t think James is mad at you...”. He starts rubbing my back. “I think... I think he might be feeling a lot of shame.”

I pop my head up at that, and can feel my heart breaking.

“I hate thinking that he feels so horrible about himself...”. I shake my head quickly. “He’s such an amazing person... He shouldn’t have to feel that way!”

“DJ... It’s not his fault.” I can hear Nikki gulp. “Addictions don’t discriminate. They can happen to anyone, and it doesn’t matter what kind of person it gets ahold of....”. He bites his lip. “The thoughts that go through a person’s head will get so dark... Addictions thrive in secrecy. They are fueled by shame.”

“DJ... He’s not mad at you. He’s ashamed of himself because he’s hurting you.”

I just look at Nikki, and let him continue to talk, as I attempt to process everything that he’s saying.

“Shame is a scary emotion to feel. A lot of times, when someone feels shame bubbling up, their first instinct is to run away or hide... They want to shut themselves away from everyone because of how exposed the shame makes them feel... It’s a vulnerable feeling, and that’s terrifying for so many people.”

I bite my lip, and nod, as he continues.

“He feels horrible because he never wanted you to witness him the way he is...”. I let out a light sniffle because that statement hit me really hard. Nikki must have noticed because I can feel arms wrapping around me. “He doesn’t want to hurt you, DJ... And it fuckin’ sucks, because when you’re sucked in that deep, you can’t even help it any-more.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” Nikki is looking at me in the eyes. “You were upset, and sometimes feeling upset is too much, so your mind subconsciously covers that up with an easier emotion to feel, like frustration.”

I nod slowly, take a deep breath, and let out a long exhale.

“You’re right...”. I lick my lips and look towards the door. “You know what? I’m just gonna see if he’s willing to talk.” I shrug my shoulders. “Doesn’t hurt to try, right?”

Nikki grins. “Go for it.” He puts a hand on my shoulder as I begin making my way to the door. “And, hey... If he doesn’t answer, try not to take it personally.” He looks at me with a fatherly expression. “Everything is still so fresh and raw right now... Sometimes you gotta give it a few days. It might take some time for him to feel comfortable talking about it.”

I smile back at him, as I make my way out of the room.

“Thanks, dude.”

I take a breath, as I come face to face with James’s door. I hesitate before I knock on it, lightly.

“Hey... James! Buddy, I’m not mad at you.”

I know Nikki just told me that James probably isn’t mad at me, but I still feel the need to tell him that I’m not mad at him, despite the way I acted last night.

“I just wanna talk to you...”

After multiple attempts, and no responses, I start to feel a pit in my stomach, because.... Why the hell isn’t he answering?

That’s when I notice that the door actually isn’t locked... That’s... odd.

I hesitantly open it a crack, and peek my head in, and to my surprise, the room is empty. I can feel my brows furrowing with confusion, and my body feels a little uneasy.

I finally close the door, and start walking away back to my room, but before I do...

“Uh, Nikki?”

“He’s Uh.... He’s not in there.”

~ ~ ~

_‘I, I'm wishing you the worst 'cause I'm the bitter kind_   
_And all this hate's been covered by a veil_   
_But I, I might forget your name and I'll forget my lies_   
_And maybe I'll just lay here on the rails’_

~ ~ ~

_4:30pm_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’ve been out for at _least_ four hours now, and I don’t even want to acknowledge that this is how my day off is being spent. I’m humiliated and ashamed of myself, especially because I’m doing the exact same thing that I did last night.... I’m doing exactly what I did that made DJ cry...

I think about this and I’m suffocated by my own shame, but I also don’t have the drive to do anything else.

It’s like a form of _self-sabotage_.

I feel horrible for what I’ve done, but then I keep on doing it because I can’t stop, but also because I think I just deserve to punish myself for being such a bad person.

I push everyone away who wants to help me, even though sometimes I want to plead for someone to help me escape this hell, but I don’t, because I think this is how I deserve to live my life for being a horrible, sinful, disgusting human being.

I’m a sick, fucked up, son of a bitch.

This is _all_ that I deserve.

It’s even worse because I know how fucked up everything I’m doing is. I know how horrible it is, and I’m past the point where I thought it was completely normal. Trust me... there is _no_ part of this that is okay or normal. I’ve accepted that it’s screwed up, but I’ve also come to terms with the fact that it doesn’t matter how fucked it all is... It’s become automatic now.

I know it’s sick. I know I’m wrecking myself, but whenever Nikki tells me that... Whenever he says to me that I’m _“sick”_ and that it “isn’t my fault”; I want to fuckin’ scream at him.

I want to scream:

_‘I know I’m sick, Nikki! No fuckin’ shit! Stop reminding me!’_

I know he doesn’t mean any harm, and I know that all he wants to do is help me, but I already feel so much shame because of how sick I know my behaviors are. My brain already constantly reminds me of the fact that I’m fucked up... I don’t need anyone else to add onto that!

_‘Keep on fuckin’ reminding me, Nikki! Come on! Gimme some more! Keep it going! I’m fucked up! I know.’_

All of this frustration and anger that I’m feeling is just being used to cover up the shame and self-hatred that is stored deep inside of me. It’s way easier to pretend that I’m not hurt, and that I don’t care, than to be vulnerable and let out the raw, exposed, yucky, feelings.

It’s way easier to keep engaging in these behaviors than have to think about the painful reality. It’s way easier to just succumb to this fucked up disease... or whatever it is that I have.... than to have to face everything.

It’s way easier to break my body down and let it wither away, than have to put myself out in the open. It’s way easier to disconnect and numb myself out, than have to come face to face with everything that fuckin’ scares me.

It’s easier to try to run away than to face it head on.

I’m thinking about all of this, as I’m frantically running around this city, looking like a chicken without a head, trying to find a public bathroom that I haven’t been in yet...

What’s really insane about all of this is how I have these random bursts of intense, impulsive, adrenaline... I’ll be feeling dead and numb and disconnected and just miserable... When suddenly, this surge of anxious energy just pops through my body. It shoots through me, my impulses turn on, and before I know it, I’m diving head first into the pit of risk-taking self destruction all over again...

Why is this?

The only things I have energy for these days are things that destroy myself... I only have energy to do things that hurt myself.... and... hurt other people....

My head is spinning right now, because once again, everything happened way too fuckin’ fast.

It was a take-out restaurant this time. I ran in there, looked at the menu for a split second, grabbed two huge bottles of diet soda, and ordered the food. I just paced around the place like a lunatic until it came, and I didn’t even find somewhere hidden to eat it this time.

It’s like my impulses were stronger than ever, and I couldn’t fuckin’ wait.... I shoved it down outside, on a bench... right across the street...

Once again.... thank god I had the hood of my sweatshirt pulled up to my head, and my sunglasses on.... I don’t even want to think about someone recognizing me, and seeing this happen.

The second that I finished.... I... I can’t even explain how intense the anxiety I felt was... or should I say, _is_.

I can’t even breathe the right way because of how frantic I feel right now. The food is stretching my stomach so bad, and I’m so full that it hurts to breathe. Everything hurts. My head is pounding. I’m sweating a little. My hands are shaking because I’m anxious. I feel sick... like... _nauseous_ sick, but also sick because of my panic.

I don’t even know where I’m going. All I know is that I need to find a bathroom... Like... _RIGHT NOW—-_

My eyes are darting everywhere at a rapid speed. I’m so panicky, but I’m also feeling heavy shame, and... extremely heavy _dread_.

The dread is heavy because I know what I’m gonna be doing for the next, god knows how many minutes... It’s gonna hurt so bad. It’s gonna hurt so fuckin’ bad, and I don’t even want to think about it, but what I’m feeling right now is so much _worse_....

I’m contaminated and filled up with toxic emotions, toxic food, and toxic... toxic everything! I’m seeing tunnel vision. I can’t make out my surroundings right and I feel like the city streets are going to close in on me—-

All of a sudden, I can make out a sign for a Greek restaurant, and I don’t even think before I frantically make my way to the building... because... Fuck! They might have a bathroom. They _have_ to have a bathroom..

PLEASE, god, I’m _begging_ you...

_Please have a fuckin’ bathroom—-_

I feel out of breath by the time I run up the stairs to get to the door, and the second that I open it, a man greets me. He must be the host, because he has a menu in his hand, and is giving me a welcoming smile.

I try my hardest to hide my panic and to appear casual and calm, but it’s not easy.

“Uh... Hi.” I smile, when in reality I feel like everything is crumbling right now. “Do you guys have a bathroom that I can use by any chance?”

 _Fuck_ , that came out quick, but... Sometimes that happens if someone has to pee really bad, right?!

It doesn’t even take a minute before the man points to the left.

“Right here, sir.”

I feel a huge sense of relief wash over me, as I quickly run inside, after graciously thanking him.

The second I close the door and lock it, I suddenly feel like I’m on complete high alert, because I need to make this fast. I need to make this quick and efficient, because I’m in a fuckin’ restaurant. This isn’t just someone’s personal bathroom. Who knows how many people are gonna need to come in here!

All I can say is thank god I had bought multiple bottles of carbonated liquid when I bought the food.... I’m gonna need them.

Without any hesitation, I squeeze my eyes shut, take a deep breath, turn on the fan in the bathroom and brace myself for the torture I’m about to put myself through.

Part of me wants to cry because I don’t want to do this... I really don’t want to do this. I’m dreading it, but I fuckin’ have to.

I _need_ to.

Everything already hurts and I didn’t do anything yet. My stomach is still full to the brim with food and I feel sick without drinking anything, so I don’t even know how I’m gonna be able to chug this bottle of bubbly liquid, but... _Fuck_ , here we go.

My body is cringing because my throat is just burning as the liquid is pouring through it. The acid is making it worse, and it’s so cold, that my body is already starting to shiver again.

The very second that my stomach muscles begin to contact, I’m reminded of exactly why I was dreading this... _God_ , I had a good reason to.

I feel like it’s just the diet cola that’s coming out, and I don’t fuckin’ get why! I’m so nauseous but the food won’t fuckin’ move, and _holy shit_ , this isn’t good. This isn’t fuckin’ good right now.

I have no choice but to open up the second bottle and glug it down. The anxiety I’m feeling is just giving me the jitters and _oh my god_ , I’m just pleading for this to work...

You know what might help? What if I did a few jumping jacks to get my digestive juices flowing... Or some kind of twisting stretches... Yeah, okay, okay, that might help.

I’m so humiliated right now. I can’t believe I’m doing this in a restaurant, but then again, I can. This isn’t like its the first time something this bizarre has happened.

A tiny bit of ease washes over me when I discover that moving around helped... a lot. However, I’m not even close to being finished right now and _fuck_ my life, because now I’m just gonna have to keep refilling the soda bottle with water from the sink.

Now I’m paranoid, because the carbonation is what initially triggers the gag reflex and gets things going, and now I don’t have that anymore.... At least I got it to start, so hopefully this won’t be too bad...

 _Okay... That was a lie_.

This is really fucking horrible.

I stopped counting how many times I’ve refilled the bottle and went to purge now... It’s the same goddamn cycle over and over again, and I’m starting to feel crazy. I feel really tormented in my head right now because I can’t fuckin’ stop until I know it’s all out and—-

“You okay in there?”

I could feel my heart skip a beat, as I hear loud knocking on the door. My eyes bug out as I open my mouth to say something, and try so hard to not let myself sound panicked.

“I’m almost done!”

That is the absolute _worst_ lie I’ve ever told. I am no where close to being done, and now I’m freaking out even more, because how the fuck am I gonna do this?!

I can’t just leave!

I _can’t_!

That anxiety just leads to another huge surge of adrenaline shooting through me, and I go right ahead to continue finishing what I started.

I have a really fucked up rule that I can’t stop until I see the water come out clear at least four or five times... It’s screwy, but when I’m this paranoid, it has to be done.

I would have been done five fucking minutes ago if I was okay seeing it come out clear once, but... _nope!_

“Sir?”

_Oh god... FUCK!_

“I’m sorry! Two minutes, I promise!”

 _Two minutes.... my fuckin’ ass_.

I shake the thought away, as I refill the bottle with warm water this time... This is gonna burn my throat so bad, and I know it, but warm water sometimes works better.

This is so fuckin’ _stupid!_ I shouldn’t even still be in here, honestly! I don’t know why my brain comes up with ridiculous reasoning for things. Do you think I _really_ want to be doing this four more times? Do you?!

The water was fuckin’ clear already, goddammit! Why am I still in here?!?!

This is horrible, and it’s even worse because it’s so compulsive! I can’t stop! _I’m not done! I’m not done! I’m not finished—-_

I suddenly start to hear someone fidgeting with the door, and it snaps me out of my delusional distorted tornado of thoughts. My heart skips a beat, and I immediately flush the toilet, finally succumbing.

I’m trying to ease my panic by telling myself that there really wasn’t anything left to get out... The water was clear four times! I even started to see stomach acid come out... I’m fine.

I wish it was that easy. I _really_ do, but it’s not. However, I know I need to get out right now. I probably raised a ton of suspicions. The guy probably thinks I’m doing drugs in here and collapsed or something.

I quickly wipe down whatever shit is on the floor and around the toilet, throw the empty bottle in the trash, and wash my hands, before hesitantly unlocking the door. I put my sunglasses back on, peek my head out slowly, and when I see that no one is around, I creep my way out the door, and leave the building.

I feel blinded the second the sun shines in my eyes, even though I’m wearing sunglasses. Everything seems so bright, and I can already feel the surge of adrenaline wearing off.

Now... I’m just aware of how shitty I feel right now.

My head is pounding so badly, that I want to pull it off. My stomach feels hollow and has a gnawing feeling, even though it’s absolutely empty. My lips are dry, and my skin on my hands is cracked. My legs kind of feel like jelly, and I can feel slight cramping going through my calves. My whole body is achy, and part of me just wants to collapse onto the fuckin’ concrete, because I don’t think I even have the energy to walk anywhere right now.

I can’t even get my brain to work the right way to fully process what I just did. Everything feels so blurred and foggy. It’s worse than earlier...

I don’t even feel like this is real.

~ ~ ~

_‘If I'm not breathing, resuscitate my soul_   
_Bring on the shame, bring on the pain_   
_Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more_   
_I say yeah, we are the ill and the deranged_   
_Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more_   
_Give me some more...’_

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

I’m kind of freaking out right now.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m worried... _Really_ worried. I’ve texted and called James multiple times... I haven’t gotten an answer, once, and I don’t think he’s back at the hotel yet.

I know that he’s an adult, and I know that he can do whatever he feels, but because of everything that’s going on, I’m not feeling good about this. I just want to make sure he’s okay, but there’s no fuckin’ way to if I can’t get in contact with him!

My brain is going to the absolute worst case scenarios right now, and I don’t even want to think about any of that, but it won’t stop! I feel like I’m about to start crying, because you know, what else is fuckin’ new around here?

I just really... really... _really_ hope that when he comes back... if he comes back... he’s all in one piece.

~ ~ ~

_‘Laugh at my face as I hang from this rope_   
_I'm such a disgrace with my misguided hope_   
_I look at my life in the blackest of ways_   
_But when in the hell will this fear go away?’_

~ ~ ~

_9:00pm_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

You thought that I was done for the day, huh? You thought that the last episode that I had was it for me?

 _Yeah_... I did too.

And, I was _wrong_.

Somehow, after feeling completely and utterly dead, I found my way back to the train station, and hopped on the first train back to the hotel.

However, there were a ton of delays, so I took advantage of the extra time to just let myself relax and at least try to rest... Let’s face it, I felt so physically sick that I didn’t want to even get up to pace, or move, or anything... I just let myself curl up in the seat...

What was supposed to only take an hour ended up taking close to three hours. The first thing I felt when I got off the train was that intense, extreme hunger... _again_ , and I was once again expecting it to happen, but this time the dread I felt was even worse because of how horrible the last episode I had was.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to stop my impulses, and I ran into the first quickie mart that I saw... I don’t even remember what I bought. I don’t even remember where the hell I went. I don’t even know what I was thinking at this point.

All I know is that it is now nine at night, and I’m hiding behind the hotel that we’re staying at, purging out in the fucking open.

There’s a ton of bushes here so it almost looks woodsy... It’s so dark out right now, and I was too scared to go back up to my room to do it, so I ended up doing it here... right now.

My brain feels fried after everything I’ve done to myself today. My body should have fucking gave up and collapsed, but I’m standing out here purging into the fucking vent in the ground, asking myself... _why?_

Even though I’m finished, I still don’t want to go back up... I don’t want to face anything. I would rather just stay out here on the cold, dark, concrete. I almost feel safer here... like I’m hidden. No one can see me. I feel protected from vulnerability even though I feel so exposed because of what I just did... it’s just... The darkness feels comforting.

At least I know that once I do get back up there, I can lock myself inside and not come out until tomorrow....

I can stay in my disconnected, fogged up, dark bubble... I can dissociate from reality until I have to be _‘human’_ again.

After a few more minutes, I finally get myself to walk around the building and towards the entrance. I begin to slowly make my way up the stairs, because even in the state that I’m in right now, I won’t take the elevator.

As I’m walking down the hall towards my room, I could swear I see DJ’s face peeking out of his room. I know he must have called me a ton of times today, but I was too busy self-destructing to even look at my phone. He looks like a wreck, and that’s just making me want to escape to hide away even more, but I don’t.

I don’t because before I can, I’m pulled into a tight embrace. I normally would pull away, but right now... I don’t even have the energy to, so I don’t.

“Holy fuck... Thank god...”

I can hear the relief in DJ’s voice, but I can also hear the hurt... the pain... Its all making my stomach twist and turn, and I don’t feel okay.

“I was so worried, man...”. He shakes his head and breathes in. “I’m just happy you’re okay...”

I feel paralyzed with shame and my own self-hatred is just suffocating me.

I don’t deserve to be worried for or cared for. I’m a piece of shit... _HOW_ does he not see that?!

Before I know it, I somehow find the ability to speak, but the words slip out of my mouth without my control.

“Why are you giving a shit?”

My voice is cold, and apathetic, and I’m cringing as I speak.

“Please... For your own sake, save your energy...”

I shake my head and breathe in, as an icy laugh escapes my lips, even though I can feel tears of shame welling in my eyes.

“I’m fucked up, DJ.”

~ ~ ~

_‘Hey, Bring on the shame, bring on the pain_   
_Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more_   
_I say yeah, we are the ill and the deranged_   
_Yeah, I know that I'm sick, give me some more_   
_Give me some more...’_


	32. Dead Man's Ballet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My vision is blurring, and my legs are cramping up. I’m dizzy, but I still can’t stop myself from moving. Everything feels fogged. I can’t see anything. I don’t know what’s goin’ on—-
> 
> “JAMES!”
> 
> The last thing I see before I feel someone scooping me up, are bright lights blinding my vision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Eating disorders, anxiety/panic attacks, impulsive behaviors, depression
> 
> HEY! writers blocks sucks ASS so that's why it took me so long to update !!! i'm happy that i finally did, though! (apparently if i wait longer than five days to start writing my next chapter, my motivation disappears and the writers block taunts me!!! sooo... not doin' that next time! lol)
> 
> Lyrics are from "Dead Man's Ballet"
> 
> TBH, I feel like this chapter sucks but you know what? FUCK IT!

DJ’s P.O.V:

_2:00am_

I have so much to say.... I don’t even know where to start.

Jesus... This shit sucks.

Why do bad things always happen to good people? I feel like the world is fucked up like that sometimes.

It’s not fair. It’s not fuckin’ fair, okay! I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss the James that would put his whole heart and soul into the music... the one who would always crack jokes and be the goofy party animal dork that we all know...

I miss the James that was open with me about anything. He trusted me and we would open up to each other about whatever shit was going on inside of our heads. I miss having my best friend around.

He’s not gone, but I feel like his whole soul is. It’s all because of this fuckin’ demon inside of him. This parasite trapped in him telling him he’s a piece of shit and not good enough. It controls him and possesses him.

I don’t see James any-more. I don’t know who I see but I don’t like it. I don’t like it and I WANT HIM BACK!

I’m scared to death every fucking day because I never know when it’ll be the day that I find him dead somewhere. He’s rotting away every second I see him and my heart is fucking breaking.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I can’t do anything about it. I’m sick of being forced to watch him slowly kill himself without being able to stop him. FUCK!

Fuck eating disorders!

Fuck _Anorexia_! That’s a horrible fucking word to say. It’s a life sucking parasite of an addiction....

~ ~ ~

_‘Oh no, how could this happen to_   
_Such an amazing young boy_   
_I had my whole life ahead of me’_

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_10:00am_

I don’t even know if I ever fell asleep last night... I just know that I’m shocked that my body survived everything I put it through yesterday...

It feels like a complete blur... My brain feels fried because of all of the behaviors that I used. Everything feels fogged up, and it’s hard to remember the distinct details of things these days, but I know that right now, I feel like hell...

I feel like absolute hell, and I don’t know how I’m gonna pull off performing tonight.

My head is pounding so bad right now, and I’m still under the covers of my bed, because of how much it hurts. I feel like every last ounce of energy that my body held onto has been drained out of me. I feel nauseous, and that’s fucked up, because it’s definitely because of the dehydration. I don’t know the last time I drank something, because all I did yesterday was purge every single thing that I put in my body, including fluids... My hands are shaking, and they have a weird purplish tint to them... Honestly, they look like they belong to an eighty year old... My skin has gotten so dry, and because I’m dehydrated, it looks even worse. I can feel the horrible sensation of acid creeping up my throat, and that’s just making me feel sicker. My chest burns, and my throat still feels raw from everything.

I haven’t even looked at what my face looks like, and I don’t even know if I want to. I don’t even wanna know how bad I look right now... and I am _definitely_ not looking forward to anyone else seeing me either.

~ ~ ~

_‘Oh God, how could you have let this_   
_Happen to such a lovely young child_   
_I was their only son and I tried,_   
_Tried, tried!’_

~ ~ ~

_Four hours later:_

I thought that if I waited this out, I would feel a little bit better, but I don’t. I still feel like shit, and my mouth is so dry that I think my lips are gonna crack...

You know what’s really fucked?

I’m terrified to drink water.

I can hear my rational side pleading with me to drink something, because it knows how bad of a state my body is in from yesterday... but... I can’t even describe how scary that idea sounds to me right now, even though it’s seriously all I can think about.

I’m so thirsty. I am. I feel parched. I feel nauseous. I feel sick. I just don’t feel right, and I know that if I can’t get any food in me without it coming back up... I should at least drink something, but....

I want to cry, because I had no idea things would come to this point... I never knew that I would be terrified to drink water... of all things. I never knew that I would be terrified to eat, but... drink? Water?

_Why?_

I don’t even know if I can answer that question, and I want to, because sometimes I start to plead with the world to let me be a normal person... I’ll plead and beg... because living like this is hell, but then... I stop.

I stop pleading because I’ve given up... I gave up on the possibility of change a long time ago... I gave up because I should have been able to get myself out of this already if it was gonna happen...

But... if I’ve given up, then why is there still that part of me that wishes I could be saved? Why do I still catch myself hoping that one day I could snap my fingers and all of this would be fixed?

A lot of times I’ll just start asking myself questions that I know I’ll never have the answers to... Especially on heavy depressive days, I’ll catch myself ruminating. It can go on for hours, and hours, and hours... I can’t even keep track because the questions just swim around in my head and they don’t ever stop. They don’t ever stop because I never have any answers, so they keep taunting me, hoping that some day I will have an answer to them.

They’re questions like....

_“How did my life get like this?”_

_“Why did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? How did it happen so fast?”_

_“Why can’t I dig myself out of this hole? How did I even get stuck in this hole in the first place?”_

_“Why can’t I find the passion and fire that I had inside of me? Where did it go, and why did it leave?! WHY?!”_

Then... of course, there are the ones that suck me deeper into my hole of self-hate and self-loathing...

_“What’s the point of anything if you wasted your life on shit like this?”_

_“Why do people even give a shit about me? Why do people care? Why are they wasting their energy on trying to help me, when I can’t even fucking help myself?”_

_“Am I even worth being helped?”_

_“How can people think that there’s good inside of me, when all I’ve done is lie and manipulate and hurt them? How do they see someone who’s worthy of good things? How do they see me as someone who deserves love?”_

They can just go on and on and on. I wouldn’t be able to list all of them even if I wanted to, because they never stop. They never end. It feels tormenting... almost as tormenting as the glass of water that I have in front of me right now.

I want to drink it... I want to drink it so fuckin’ badly right now... I’ve just been staring at it. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here hovering over the damn thing, but it has to have been for at least fifteen minutes. I can feel my mouth wanting to water at the sight of it, but it can’t because I’m way too dehydrated to make enough saliva.

Everything still hurts. My whole body feels achy... It feels like someone twisted it and locked it in a paper shredder. It hurts to walk or even move my arms... My stomach feels like I did an intense abdominal workout, because of how much my muscles got strained from purging repeatedly. I’m so exhausted that I can hardly keep my eyes open, and the acid that was burning in my chest is still as bad... if not, worse.

I feel like a dried out sponge. All my body is doing right now is straight out begging. It’s begging me to drink, even if it’s just a tiny drop of water. It feels excruciating just staring at it like this, because all I want to do is gulp the whole fucking glass down.

I feel like my brain is playing a game of tug of war... My two selves are fighting with each other.

_‘James, it’s just water! It’s not gonna hurt you... I promise you’re gonna be okay. It’s only water!’_

_‘You can’t! You can’t drink that, James! It’s gonna stick to you. It’s gonna contaminate you. You’re gonna be filling yourself up, and you’re gonna take up way too much space!’_

_‘James... Water can’t do anything to you. You know you’re sick... You know you need this... I know you’re scared. I know it feels terrifying, but it’s just water. You’re going to be okay...’_

My head is spinning and I want to pull it off. Everything is so loud and chaotic in there, and it’s all over a fucking glass of water. I can feel tears of frustration starting to well in my eyes because I’m so sick of this shit.... I want it to stop!

I want it to _STOP—-_

_‘James, do you want to collapse or have something happen to you? Please, try to drink it... at least a sip...’_

It’s the last plead from my rational side that gets me to impulsively reach my hand out to touch the glass. I can see my hand shaking... I don’t even know if it’s from low blood sugar or anxiety... Maybe both.

Just touching the glass is making my whole body tremble... It’s because this is going against my instincts... It’s doing the opposite of what my manipulative side of my brain has been telling me for months... It doesn’t feel right, and I’m freaking out. I haven’t even drank anything yet, and I’m already starting to disconnect from reality.

I’m biting my lip and squeezing my eyes shut, trying to get myself to calm down. The anxiety I’m feeling isn’t helping my body’s weak state... In fact, it’s making me feel even worse... Now, I’m starting to feel a bit lightheaded.

I take a deep breath, as I grip the cup with my shaking hands. I’m trying to convince myself to just try to take one sip... Just one tiny sip... Not the whole glass. Not half the glass... Just one sip.

 _Because_... one sip isn’t going to hurt me, right?

I wish I could believe that. I wish that I didn’t think that water would hurt me...

It’s insane... The only times that I’m comfortable drinking anything is when I know I’m gonna purge it up... I’ll only drink when I know it’s gonna come up the other way... How did it come to this? I used to chug cups of coffee like there was no tomorrow, and I overdosed on water at my house during our break from touring.... and now....

Now, I can’t get myself to take a sip of water after not hydrating myself for a whole day, without intense panic revolved around it?

It shouldn’t be like this.

Things shouldn’t be this way, but they are. The reality is that this is happening right now. I really am feeling panicky just by holding a glass of water... I really am shaking with anxiety as I’m putting the glass near my lips, and I really am convinced that these emotions are gonna kill me.

The second that I feel a tiny drop of water touch my lips and start to make its way down my throat, I automatically feel choked. I feel suffocated.

I can’t tell if it’s mind over matter, but I feel like my throat is about to close because I can’t breathe right now—-

It’s like there are little sirens going off in my head, telling me to spit it out. It’s like the water is poison...

_‘SPIT IT OUT! JAMES, SPIT IT OUT!’_

I’m trying to fight the thoughts and I’m shaking my head as if that will shoo them away, but it won’t. It’s not.

I want to resist. I want to swallow it even though I’m terrified because I also just want the goddamn water! I feel like I’m dying... My body just wants the fuckin’ hydration.... and that’s why I swallow.

I did... I swallowed, but...

I’m standing here with the panic, and the anxiety, and the debilitating discomfort of this whole thing. It feels wrong. It feels wrong to have something in me right now. I know it’s just water but I feel like I’m taking up too much space from it... and I’m not sure if my body knows how to handle it right now...

This is _fucked_.

Rationally, I know this can happen if dehydration is severe... I know that if you’re super dehydrated, sometimes drinking water actually makes you nauseous... That’s happening... It’s happening. I hardly drank anything, but I feel sick. I can feel my body wanting to reject it.

It’s like... It’s like my body forgot how to handle food or water... It’s like it forgot how to, because it’s so used to everything coming up the other way. It’s so used to me purging, that it almost thinks that’s what’s supposed to happen, even when I’m not trying to.

It was _water!_

I don’t even want to acknowledge that this is happening right now...

My body can’t handle... _water_.

It’s moments like this when I want to cry. I want to cry because the horrible reality is smacking me in the face.

_I did this._

_I did this to myself._

~ ~ ~

_‘What could I have done differently_   
_You never said there was anything wrong_   
_Now the drugs, they give me encouragement_   
_Why? Why? Why?’_

~ ~ ~

_1 week later:_

_3:00am_

I need to confess something.

Sometimes, there’s moments when I get really scared because I think I’m gonna die...

Sometimes, I’ll be laying in my bed, and I’m scared to even try to close my eyes, because I don’t know if my body is gonna decide in that moment to give up on me. I’ll just lay there, with my eyes wide open, and I can feel my heart pounding so fast, but it’s not just pounding. It’s palpitating. It feels like people are pressing on it with a pile of bricks, and I get freaked out. I’ll start to feel uncomfortable cramping sensations in my legs, and arms, and sometimes even my feet... It’s so bad sometimes that it’s hard for me to move the muscles... It’s almost like my body doesn’t have enough strength to contract them.

The longer that I lay there, the heavier my body begins to feel, and I’ll start to shiver. I’ll be so fucking cold, even when I try to layer myself up with blankets, I can’t warm up. I’ll just curl myself up in the darkness, feeling nothing but hopeless and despair, and numbness.... but.... there’s that fear in me.

There’s that tiny part of me that I know is my real self... The tiny part of me that knows what’s happening, and I get scared. I get so scared that I won’t make it, and I want to plead with someone to not let this be the day that I die... even though, so much of the time, I wish I could die so this pain would go away.

But, moments like this... I can connect to my real authentic self, the part of me that once had a fire burning inside of my soul... I can hear that part screaming.

_“PLEASE! I’ll do anything! I don’t wanna die! Not yet! Not now! I’m not ready!”_

I’ll start to feel tears dripping down my face, and I feel helpless, and I feel alone. I’ll start feeling deep longing, and it’s in those moments where I just wish I could find comfort in something... It’s moments like this when I wish I had someone telling me it will all be okay, and that this will all go away, and that it’s not real.

It’s times like that when I wish I could just wake up and everything that I’ve been going through has just been a sick, horrid, nightmare...

But... it’s not.

I’ll lay awake in my bed, frantic and desperate... The exhaustion will hit me so hard, but my anxiety keeps me up. My body keeps me up. It keeps me up because I think it’s scared too. It’s scared that it won’t be able to hold me up any longer. It’s scared that it’ll give up on me... It keeps me up, and my mind races with food... It keeps me up to remind me to eat, or try to remind me to nourish myself. It’ll keep me up as a desperate attempt to save my own life.

~ ~ ~

_‘Oh God, tell me I'll make it_   
_I'll give you my blood if that's all you need_   
_Just don't tell me that I'm gonna die,_   
_Die, die!’_

~ ~ ~

NIKKI’s P.O.V:

I’ve had people ask me many times, _“Nikki, what do you think is the worst experience for someone to have to go through?”_

To me, it feels like a loaded question, because there are tons of horrific things that I would never want another person to have to experience, but the first one that has always stuck in my mind was an addiction.

Most people aren’t surprised when I say that, considering my history, but I usually give two answers.

My first response is usually, “Having someone go through an addiction.”

My second response is, “Having to watch someone _else_ go through an addiction.”

Sometimes, I ask myself which one is worse.

Personally, I’ve been through both.

I am a recovering addict, so I know how horrific living with an addiction is. Anyone who knows me knows that I would never wish that shit upon any walking being of the Earth. No one deserves to go through something so dark. No one should ever have to experience feeling like a prisoner of their own mind, and feeling tormented in their own skin. It’s a living hell... a torture chamber.... a soul-sucking, self-loathing, shame inducing tornado of self-destruction.

Having to watch someone that you love go through that... It’s just painful. It’s fuckin’ excruciating, especially because I can empathize with it all. I know the torment and the pain of the addiction, and I know how terrifying it feels to be powerless. I also know the heavy feeling of despair and hopelessness that comes along with it... The feeling of dread, and disgust, and frustration. I know the fear... the paralyzing anxiety... the panic... I know it all, because I’ve been through it all.

I think the worst part of seeing someone go through it, is knowing that you can’t actually save them.

This is an extremely hard pill to swallow, especially when it’s someone that you’re so close with, and care about so much. As a recovering addict, I know the facts. You can’t make someone get better. Someone can only get better if they want to get better. You can try to support them, and talk to them, and help them see reality, but the truth is that if they don’t want it for themselves, it doesn’t matter if we want it for them.

Just because I’ve been through it, and I know it, it doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ll admit that I really do try to put on a strong front especially when I’m with DJ, and he expresses his fear and debilitating anxiety about James, because I don’t want to scare him any-more than he already is. I try to provide as much comfort as I can, but with that, I do give the hard truth, because it’s important to hear it, even if it feels really scary.

It’s like the day I told DJ that James was purging... He was in denial, and I can’t blame him. It’s a scary reality, and his brain was trying to protect him from having to face something terrifying. It was hard to see him break, but it was even harder when he came to me in tears letting me know that he witnessed it, and that I was right. My heart was just breaking, as he repeatedly apologized. He kept saying he should have believed me, and that he was sorry. Seeing him in such an emotional state was just devastating, but I did what I knew. I provided comfort. I provided ease. I provided loving, fatherly nurture the best that I could.

However, just because I seem like I’m handling this very well on the outside, which I think I am... That doesn’t mean that I’m not feeling the same emotions as DJ...

To be completely honest, I’m scared to death.

The fear inside of me is intense, because I know the reality of these diseases. I know what happens as the illnesses progress. The behaviors get worse, and the despair and depression, and hopelessness all escalate. Then... along with that, comes the medical complications, and before you know it, you find yourself in front of the entrance to death’s door.

This is a horrible truth, but it’s the truth, and you can’t run away from the truth, even when it hurts... even when it’s scary... Even if it feels like it’s paralyzing or choking you, and the truth is that.... these illnesses kill people.

You will die if you don’t get better.

You will die if you don’t help yourself or let others help you.

You will die if you don’t surrender.

I see it every single day. I can fuckin’ feel it, and the dread weighs so heavy on me.

I don’t know how close it is... or how soon it will happen, but it will happen if this goes on...

James is gonna die.

I hate saying that. I don’t want to face it either, okay? There is no part of me that wants to face this, but it’s the truth. If he doesn’t surrender, or try to help himself, or even just take the first step and ask for help.... This disease is gonna kill him.

It’s happening already. It’s been happening for months. It’s been happening since the addiction started.

You might not see it or feel it at first, but addictions steal your life away the second that they grab ahold of you. They don’t care. They don’t discriminate. Once that fuckin’ parasite grabs you, it starts eating away at you right away. It’s slow at first, but then you get stuck in a downward spiral, and before you know it, your whole soul is sucked away. Your whole being is blocked off by darkness and despairing fog. You’ve been eaten away by an evil disease... Before you know it, it’s too late.

James has been stuck in this black hole for months... It’s gotten to a point now where I know his condition is critical, and I’m not just talking about mentally. I’m talking about physically.... medically.

The behaviors that he uses have taken a huge toll on his body, and I can see it. I’ve seen it for months, but it’s so much more evident now... Everything gets worse, as more behaviors are added into the equation... I’m talking about purging, especially.

That behavior is so dangerous... not that the others aren’t, but it’s dangerous in the way that you can do it once and your electrolytes can become unbalanced. That can happen one time and it can be deadly. Electrolytes, in a specific balance, are what help your muscles contract, and your heart is a muscle. If your potassium drops too low, your heart can start to beat irregularly or even just... stop.

Everything seemed to escalate at a terrifying speed once I realized that James was purging... So many people don’t realize the internal damage that is done, because sometimes you can’t actually see it.... But the thing is that this has been going on for a long time now, so now we can see it.

I can see electrolyte imbalances. Of course it’s something that happens inside of the body, but there are physical warning signs that something is seriously wrong, and James is showing them... The paleness that I told DJ about the other day... It’s not normal paleness.

The coloring of his skin isn’t looking right. Its hard to even describe, but I can just look at him and know that it’s not good. There’s no color left in his face. His hands have a purplish tint to them, which is a sign of bad circulation... which is a warning sign of malnutrition.

When your body is starved, every single organ begins to shut down. Your metabolism will slow down, your blood pressure and pulse will drop, your circulation gets bad, and your body can’t regulate it’s normal functions. You know why? It doesn’t care about those “luxurious” things, because it’s too busy trying to keep you alive.

That’s why James’s hair has thinned out, and his skin has gotten dry, and his nails have cracked, and his energy level has been sucked away...

That’s why he feels lightheaded when he stands up too fast, and why he can’t get his body temperature to regulate, and why he has heart palpitations, and why his body has trouble digesting any food that he keeps down.

His body is shutting down. Everything is shutting down because of the ongoing abuse that’s been inflicted upon it. The body is trying its hardest to keep him alive, but it can only fight for so long. Somethings gotta give.

I see all of this, and my heart breaks. I care about James with my whole being, and it terrifies me to see and know that this is happening. It’s paralyzing to know that no matter how much I try to talk to him, or help him, or comfort him, that this will kill him if he lets it continue.

I’ve _tried_... I’ve tried to talk to him, because I care so much... I’ve tried to use my experience and share the wisdom that I know to hopefully knock some sense into him... I’ve tried. I am trying, and I’m not gonna stop, even though so far my attempts haven’t done much... I’m not gonna stop because I still think there is some hope... somewhere, even if it’s hidden.

I’m gonna keep trying, but I don’t know if it’s enough. Part of me is asking what enough is. I’m not sure what enough is, and that’s hard to admit... Because, you would think that I would know, because I’ve been through my own shit, but I’m a human too. I’m human and I have flaws. I’m not perfect. I’ve been through hell and came out the other side, but that doesn’t mean that I have all of the answers.

I don’t have all of the answers, but I wish I did. My god, I _wish_ I did.

I wish I could do more, and it kills me inside knowing that I can’t. It’s a horrible reality... Watching someone you love die, and not being able to save them.

Honestly, sometimes I catch myself saying it isn’t fair, and you know what? The truth is, it isn’t. It isn’t fair, but unfortunately so many things in life aren’t fair, and this is one of them.

It isn’t fair that addictions are real. It isn’t fair that they exist. It isn’t fair that they grab ahold of innocent people, and it isn’t fair that you’re forced to be powerless over the fact that someone you love and care about is dying. It isn’t fair that you can’t stop it.

The whole thing isn’t fair, but it’s the truth. The truth isn’t always pretty, and we have to face it.

This reality is unfair, but I’m not gonna stop trying to help in any way I can.

I know that the real James is in there somewhere... even if it’s hidden far too deep... He’s in there.

He’s in there, and I’m not giving up hope, even if it seems like there isn’t any left.

~ ~ ~

_‘Don't abandon me now_   
_I don't want to die_   
_Alone...’_

~ ~ ~

_Two days later:_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

The second that I come out of my dressing room, and make my way into the hallway with Nikki and DJ, I can already feel the dread. I feel it because I know how horrible I look right now, and I know that there’s no doubt that someone is gonna say something about it. I can’t even hide it at this point.

They both know everything. They both know everything that’s going on.

They know what I’m doing, but at this point I really don’t even give a fuck. I have no motivation or drive left in me to care.

So fuckin’ what? They know, and now what? I don’t care. They know and they can say whatever they want to say about it, but it really doesn’t matter because what’s the point of trying to change anything now? This has been going on for too long and I feel like it’s all I know anyway, so why would I waste too much energy or even make an effort to do anything different?

My soul feels empty. There’s no fire or passion left inside of me, and the only things that I’m full to the brim with are self-destructive behaviors.

Even though I feel like this, I still feel the dread because I know I’m hurting them both... I’m apathetic, but I’m not. Sometimes I think it’s just easier for me to act like I don’t care... even if I do... just a little.

I do a little bit because nothing can take away how much of a horrible person I feel like I am for hurting them... For hurting DJ. I told DJ to stop helping me. I told him to his face that I was a piece of shit and that I was fucked up. I pushed his concern away... again. All I do is keep pushing everyone away. I push everyone away who wants to help me, because I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve to be cared about!

I don’t fucking deserve _anything_!

“James?”

I pop my head up and see Nikki and DJ... I already feel myself wanting to run, but I can’t because I already feel Nikki’s hand on my shoulder. The look of concern that is painted across his face is paralyzing me, and I just feel even worse about myself, because I know... He _definitely_ notices.

I can hear him take a breath, before he speaks with a hushed tone laced with urgency.

“How many times did it happen today?”

I don’t have to ask to know that he’s referring to purging... I can feel an uneasy chill run through my whole body.

I don’t hesitate before I shoot an answer back, but even so, I can still hear the exhaustion in my own voice.

“It didn’t—-“

“James, I know you don’t want to say it, but I’m really worried right now, okay?” He bites his lip, and takes a deep breath. “Your coloring...”. His eyes are burning holes into my soul. “You don’t look right.” He shakes his head. “Okay, this is serious, James.”

“It didn’t happen today.” I shake my head and start to walk away, because I can’t do this right now... I can’t fuckin’ do this right now.

“James.” My head snaps around at Nikki’s voice. “You know what this is from, right?” I can hear the fear in his voice and I want to crumble to the ground. “It’s your electrolytes... Your body’s electrolytes are out of whack. You’re dehydrated. Your body is shutting down.”

I can’t handle this right now, because I fucking know! I know it’s happening, but I don’t want to keep being reminded of how much I’m destroying myself! I _know_ I’m fucking destroying myself! I _know_ I’m dying... _STOP TELLING ME!_

_STOP!_

_I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!_

I’m already making my way out of the room, frantically, until I’m stopped by another hand on my back. I turn around and see DJ, and I just feel instant guilt. It’s weighing me down so hard right now... I feel like I can never look at him in the eyes now... ever since...

“Please... Listen to Nikki...”. He looks desperate, and my heart hurts. “We just want to help you, man... I know you think you’re fucked up and that we shouldn’t, but...”. He shakes his head. “That’s not true, James. You’re not fu——“

“Why?”

I can feel my whole body freeze up, because _fuck... I did not mean to say that. I didn’t mean to say that. Fuck, I didn’t mean to say that—-_

“Why are you continuing to try?”

DJ is just staring at me with wide eyes, and he seems frozen. He looks so... _horrified_.

“DJ...”. I shake my head and want to laugh, but instead I just feel tears of frustration welling in my eyes. “Have you _seen_ me?!” My arms are beginning to flail in the air right now, and the words keep spilling out without my control.

“If you don’t think what I’m doing is fucked up, then there’s a _serious_ problem here!” I can feel myself cracking, as my eyes begin darting from DJ to Nikki. “Just give up! Quit trying to help me! It’s not gonna work! There’s no fuckin’ point!”

“It’s useless! Honestly, why are you still doing this?” I feel the venom that’s creeping out of me, but I can’t control myself. I can’t stop myself.

“Why do you even give a shit?!” I don’t even hold the tears back that are welling in my eyes. I just let them drip down, as I continue... “Why do you care so much?! I’m a horrible fuckin’ person...”. My whole body is tense and I’m shaking now. I can feel myself breaking down, and I feel so vulnerable but I can’t even run away, even if I tried, because I know that everything will just shoot back at me. “How do you not see that? HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?!”

My heart is beating out of my chest right now, and I’m starting to feel the walls closing in on me. I hate these goddamn mood shifts! I hate how I can go from being completely numb and depressed to just plain erratic.... frustrated... angry.... high-strung.... _uncontrollable_....

I can’t even breathe the right way now because of how intense everything feels. I’m panicked but frustrated... and just so... ashamed.

“James...... You know that’s your brain _lying_ to you.”

I can vaguely make out Nikki’s voice somewhere in the middle of the tornado that’s going on in my head right now. Everything still seems escalated. Everything! The lights in this room are too bright. I’m hyper-aware of every sensation I’m feeling. My emotions are too fuckin’ intense.

“That’s what addictions do. They _lie_!”

I think I feel someone squeezing my shoulders, but I’m so high strung that I can’t bring myself back to the present! Half of me is disconnected but the other half is too aware... Is this because of my panic?! I feel like I’m nuts!

“Your brain is spitting out bullshit, James. It’s _not_ real. It distorts everything! You can’t trust what it tells you.”

I suddenly feel myself touching the ground... and... How the _fuck_ did I end up curled up on the floor?!

I still feel so panicked, and angry, and frustrated, and tormented... _Everything_! My eyes are squeezed shut now, and I just want to hide and run, but I can’t! I can’t get myself to move, so I’m just curled up tightly now, fuckin’ crying!

I don’t need to look up to know that Nikki and DJ are both securing me in an embrace. It’s almost... grounding. I can still feel myself shaking, and I feel so fuckin’ vulnerable right now, but I don’t have the physical strength to get up and run away...

I’m so high strung, but I feel too physically weak to move. The anxiety is making my heart feel like it’s palpitating, and I feel that scary pressure on my chest that I get after really bad purging episodes.

“Addictions trick you into believing everything.... The shame that you’re feeling inside of you is spilling out lies. Your depression is enhancing all of this...”

Nikki is rubbing my back, and DJ must be squeezing my hand... I don’t want to lift my head up to face any of this. I don’t want to... I don’t want to... It’ll just make everything worse...

“I know this is hard for you... I _know_ that you probably can’t deal with this comfort, but, James.... I’m here to tell you the truth, okay?”

“You are _not_ a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you. This isn’t your fault. You’re going through something horrible, and you didn’t fuckin’ ask for it. This doesn’t take away from how much of a good person you are.....”

I don’t even know what else he said. I don’t even know if he said anything.

I don’t know because I somehow ended up pulling out of the embrace, and now I’m just running.... I don’t even know where the hell I am right now. I don’t fuckin know what’s real or what’s not.

I feel like I’m in some fucked up kind of dreamland... My impulses are turned all the way up, and I can’t control my mind. It’s racing! It’s racing so fuckin’ fast that I can’t hear anything else. My emotions feel like they’re about to burst out of me and I want to jump out of my skin.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. I just can’t fuckin’ do this. I can’t do this!

I’m smart enough to know somehow my depression shifted into mania sometime today, and that whatever I end up doing right now is gonna be impulsive....

I’m also smart enough to know that the crash into depression is gonna be horrible tomorrow... and the next day.... and the next day... maybe even the next week....

But right now... Right now everything seems so heightened! Everything is going so fast! My mind is too fast. My thoughts are too fast! My emotions are too intense! Adrenaline is bursting out of me but I also feel physically sick, and weak at the same time.

My vision is blurring, and my legs are cramping up. I’m dizzy, but I still can’t stop myself from moving. Everything feels fogged. I can’t see anything. I don’t know what’s goin’ on—-

“JAMES!”

The last thing I see before I feel someone scooping me up, are bright lights blinding my vision.

~ ~ ~

_‘You can lead him to the ambulance_   
_But you cannot make him live_   
_No you cannot make me live!_   
_You can lead him to the ambulance_   
_Why can't we celebrate? Lead me home!_   
_But you cannot make him live...’_


	33. Codependency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lightly rub his hand with my thumb, as I quietly whisper, with tears beginning to fall down my face.
> 
> “We just care about you so much, James... I wish you could see that...”
> 
> I start to shake my head and close my eyes.
> 
> “I don’t want anything to happen to you... You’re like a brother to me, and I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOSH-- This is an emotional one...
> 
> BIG TRIGGER WARNING--- mentions of suicidality, impulsive/reckless behavior, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, LOTS OF HEAVY SHIT !!!
> 
> Gonna go ground myself now.... I'm feeling all kinds of things right now

NIKKI’s P.O.V:

If I hadn’t grabbed James as soon as I did, that car would have hit him.

Everything happened so fast.

James had panicked when me and DJ tried talking to him, and I knew he was, because for the first time, he didn’t hold back. I’m not sure if he meant to spit out all of those thoughts that his head spat at him, but he did... That’s when I felt his anxiety, and I tried to talk him down... He ended up crumbling to the ground, as his body curled in on itself. It was hard to see. I can’t imagine how vulnerable James felt. I also know that when anxiety is that bad, reality becomes blurred, but at the same time, everything gets so chaotic up in your head.

Me and DJ sat down and attempted to ground him... in any way that we could. Sometimes tight embraces work to bring someone back to the present, so we tried that. I was able to feel James’s heart beating out of his chest just by hugging him. He was shaking, and at this point, I don’t think he could even get words out to talk or even scream... I was hoping that by using a gentle tone of voice, it would help bring him down.

It was in that moment, when it happened.

He pulled away. He pulled out of my grip so fast that even if I tried to stop him, I know I wouldn’t have been able to.

I also know that he probably felt way too vulnerable after I told him that he was a good person who deserved good things. I know he probably felt uncomfortable, and the thought of people caring about him scared him... I know that he probably ran off because he felt like he needed to escape.

That’s usually the first urge to pop up when feeling scared. You want to run away from things that make you feel uncomfortable.

The thing is that I normally would have expected this, and I would have let him be, but this time, I just sensed that something wasn’t right.

I’ve never actually seen James in such a high state of panic before, and that in itself concerned me, because of his mood shifts. As far as I knew, he was in the midst of a depressive episode, and I’m not exactly sure if his episodes are mixed or separate... He’s never told me if he sometimes has mania while he’s depressed... That can happen. Someone with Bipolar Disorder can have episodes of depression and mania at the same time, and like I’ve mentioned, mania isn’t always euphoric... Mania escalates every single emotion that someone is feeling, whether it’s frustration, anxiety, excitement, rage, or even disgust. You’re just at a high point, and everything feels like it’s going so fast. Your mind races, your emotions feel like they’re gonna burst right outta you, and you feel like you can’t control your impulses.

 _That’s_ the reason why this time, I wouldn’t let him be. This time, I followed him out.

I had a gut feeling that if I didn’t, something might happen. I don’t know for sure if that intense panic and anxiety-filled outburst were signs of mania, but there was a pretty high chance of it being true... and I know that when someone is manic, all of their decisions are made without thinking... I also know that a lot of times, impulsive decisions can be reckless, risky, and dangerous.

So, I followed him. I’ll admit that it was more difficult than I thought it would be, because James got away so fast. It was hard to keep up with him, and it shocked me that he even had that much energy inside of his depleted body. I don’t know how he even got as far as he did... It was most likely just adrenaline that gave him a false sense of energy.

Before I knew it, I had found myself outside. It was dark out, but the city lights gave me a clear view of where I was headed. I had sirens going off in my head, my eyes were darting around, and my heart was pounding out of my chest, because I was really fucking scared of something happening. That all escalated when I couldn’t see James at all... I had lost him somewhere in the midst of my frantic search.

I started yelling his name, hoping that by some miracle he would appear. My higher power must have heard my pleads, because within the next two minutes, I was able to make out James in the distance.

I automatically felt adrenaline rush through me, and I ran faster than I ran before... I knew that I would be able to get to him, and hopefully bring him down.

However, there was no part of me that was expecting to have to pull him away from an approaching car in the middle of the crowded city street.

Everything felt like it froze the second that I saw what was about to happen. I felt my heart skip a beat, as I sped over to James, and screamed his name, locking him in my grip. I forcefully began pulling him away, back to the sidewalk...

...It all happened so fast, and I’m not gonna sugar coat anything right now.

I’m fuckin’ scared shitless.

I can feel James’s body trying to pull out of my grip, but I’m securing him as tight as I can. It’s painful to witness this. It’s fuckin’ horrible to see him in so much distress, but I know that sometimes doing the right thing is the harder thing.

“Hey, Hey, Hey...”. I’m trying to speak in a gentle tone, so I don’t rile James up anymore than he already is, even though I’m feeling incredibly panicked myself. “James... You’re okay.... You’re okay...”

Without even looking at him, I can tell how tense he is, and I can feel how fast his heart is racing. To be honest, that’s concerning me a lot more than it normally would, only because his body is in such a compromised state that just by feeling so high strung, his body is getting strained. His heart is overworking itself.

I take a deep breath, as I slowly lower myself to the ground, along with James, who is now clinging onto me, with my arms securely wrapped around him. “James.... Hey....”. I can hear his shallow breaths, and I squeeze his hand in an attempt to bring him back to reality. “I know everything feels scary right now, but you’re gonna get through this....”. I bite my lip, and slowly lift his head up towards me. “I need you to try to take some deep breaths, okay? Your body is under a lot of stress right now.... Your heart is working too hard, and I need to make sure your body has enough strength to keep all of your organs working....”. My heart hurts as I’m saying this stuff, because the reality is incredibly painful, but we can’t push it away.

 _Not_ now... _Not_ ever.

As I start guiding James into taking slow, deep, rhythmic breaths, I can begin to make out DJ’s body from the corner of my eye. I don’t have to look at him to know that there are anxiety filled tears welling in his eyes.

I start to notice James’s body relaxing in my grip. He’s less tense, and his head is now resting on my chest. I continue to rub his back in a soothing pattern, as I speak to him in that gentle tone.

“There you go....”. I close my eyes, and let a single tear fall down my cheek. “You’re alright, James.... I got you, okay....”.

I open my eyes and let my eyes meet DJ’s. I give him a signal to move in closer to us, and when he does, I speak in a calm, quiet, yet soothing voice, as I let my eyes fall to my phone on the cold concrete.

“Can you call a cab? We gotta get him to a safe place...”

DJ nods quickly, as he reaches his arm out for my phone. I can tell he’s in some sort of shock, but also panicked, because I can see his hand shaking as he dials the number.

I give him a gracious smile, as I look back down at James. He is a lot more relaxed now, but I can still feel his body slightly trembling, and my shirt feels a little wet. I take a breath and let out a long exhale, as I start speaking again.

“We’re goin’ back to the hotel, alright? Me, you, and DJ.... We’re gonna stay with you... It’s gonna be okay, James...”

I can feel an uneasy sensation go through my body as I say the last part, because even though he’s a lot calmer now... I still can’t get the sick feeling in my body to go away... because....

I don’t know if James running into opposing traffic was a reckless decision that was fueled my mania..... or if it was something else....

~ ~ ~

_‘You need adrenaline,_   
_You gotta go and get you some,_   
_If you wanna stay beautiful and broken._   
_A couple milligrams, to get you through this life,_   
_If you wanna stop the tears that you’ve been choking.’_

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

He almost got hit.

James ran into opposing traffic and almost got hit by a fucking car.... and I’m just sitting here, shaking with fear, because I don’t even know how to process what just happened.

Nikki ran after him before I did, but then I decided that I should follow him... When I got to where the two were... I just froze. I don’t think Nikki knows that I saw the whole thing... I saw James running and I saw Nikki grab him. I couldn’t even move. I felt like I was about to get sick...

I’ve never seen James act recklessly like that before... Never.... It scared the shit outta me, and I’m still terrified. I’m terrified because.... Oh _god_...

I don’t even want to think about the possibility of why he did that...

I don’t want to.

It _hurts_.

We got a cab back to our hotel, and settled James back in his room. He was still on high guard, but Nikki was able to calm him down a little... I don’t know how he does it... I don’t know how, but thank god Nikki is here right now.

The first thing that I saw when we opened his hotel room door were cans of Diet Coke under James’s bed. The second thing I noticed was that there were also broken pieces of glass scattered across the floor.

That didn’t help my emotional state. In fact, it just made it worse.

Me and Nikki stayed with James for a while... I don’t remember much because of how high my panic was, but what I do know is that somehow Nikki was able to get James to relax enough for him to fall asleep.

It breaks my heart to see how peaceful he looks while sleeping... especially because I know he hardly ever gets any... and also... it’s heartbreaking to know that it’s probably the only time that he feels somewhat at peace with himself... He feels at peace because he doesn’t have to feel anything... He’s disconnected from all of his pain and torment that his head is spitting at him.

Being asleep is the only time in his life when the noise in his head is silent.

Right now, I’m outside James’s door, sitting on the ground with Nikki. We both agreed that it’s probably safer to not leave him alone, completely after what just happened... I’ve just been sitting here, with my head in my knees, silently crying. I know that Nikki has his hand on my back right now, but I don’t want to look up, because I don’t want to make this situation any more real than it already is.

I can feel Nikki start to rub circles into my back, and all that does is lead me to let out a hitched breath. Nikki must know that I’m trying so hard to hold back any more tears from falling, because he automatically squeezes my hand and starts speaking in a gentle tone.

“It’s okay, DJ... You can cry.”

The moment that he says that, I feel like a waterfall is shooting out of my eyes. I’m trying to not make noise, but there’s no point... I can’t stop the pathetic whimpers that escape my mouth. I hate feeling like a baby who cries, but... This situation is just too fuckin’ painful.

“This is a horrible reality... I’m scared too, D...”. Nikki breaths in. “I... I wasn’t expecting this to happen.... I don’t think either of us were...”

I slowly lift my head up from my knees, and I know my eyeliner is probably a mess right now, but it’s only me and Nikki here... I don’t have anyone to impress.

I just stare blankly at the wall in the hallway, and I feel a hollow pit in my stomach. I feel nauseous just thinking about the reality, but it doesn’t stop me from finally letting myself speak.

“I’ve... I’ve never seen him like this before.” I shake my head and I can feel all the color draining from my face. “I mean... Reckless....”. I let out a gulp, and the tears start falling again. “He... He almost got hit by a fuckin’ car, Nik....”. Now my breaths are becoming hitched again, and my vision is blurring from my tears, but I keep going. “I’m fuckin’ terrified... I’m so scared, Nik...”. I shake my head and stare at Nikki, as I feel him squeeze my hands.

There’s a few moments of silence before I speak again, but this time... I can hear my voice shaking, and an intense chill shoots through my whole body.

“Do.... Do you think.....”. My body feels frozen as I’m forcing myself to face the terrifying possibility that I want to push away so badly, but I push myself to go there. “Do you think he.... You know....”

I can’t say it. I can’t fuckin’ say it. It hurts. It hurts so goddamn bad. I feel my body trembling because the fear inside of me is so intense.

Nikki must know exactly what I’m implying, because he immediately answers without me needing to finish. I can hear him take a deep breath, but when he does speak, his voice is laced with a somber tone.

“He could have....”. He lets out a sigh, and I catch him wiping a tear from his eye. My heart sinks even more, and I get another chill up my spine, because I hardly ever see Nikki cry... “It could have been a decision fueled by his mania, too... Manic episodes are full of impulsive decisions... You don’t think before you act...”. I can feel Nikki put a hand on my shoulder. “He was in such a high state of panic that he probably wasn’t thinking rationally when he ran away. His brain was in fight or flight mode... Survival mode.”

Hearing all of this is so painful, but I’m doing my best to not run away. I’m doing my best to face it. I’m doing my best to sit with the things that scare me, even if I feel like I can’t breathe—-

“It doesn’t help that his body is so malnourished... You can’t make rational decisions when your brain isn’t working... His body is starved. It can’t work the right way... He can’t think straight...”

Just as he says that, I remember what I found in James’s room, and that sick feeling is back in my stomach.

“Is... Is that why I found broken glass in his room?”

It hurts to say that out loud, but I need to. I need to not run away from things.

“He must have fuckin’ broke it or something... When...”. I shake my head. “Oh... _god_...”

“It would happen to me too, DJ... I would have outbursts that led to reckless behavior... It all boiled down to me not knowing how to handle my emotions...”. He pauses and closes his eyes.

“James doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way... All he knows is the addiction... It’s a maladaptive way of coping, but unfortunately, feeling uncomfortable emotions is so hard, that a lot of times self-destructing feels easier... and... _safer_.”

I’m trying so hard to focus on what Nikki saying... I know that he knows this stuff.

“The addiction might seem like it helps at first, but then... it doesn’t. It can’t numb you out forever. Eventually, everything that was hidden underneath the surface will start bursting out, and you don’t know how to deal with it...”

“Look... I don’t know for sure why his addiction developed... but I do know that living with Bipolar Disorder has to be so tormenting and scary at times.” Nikki breathes in. “I... I couldn’t blame anyone for wanting to somehow silence that... or attempt to keep it at bay...”. He pauses for a moment, but then looks at me and continues. “But... even if that was the initial goal... It wouldn’t last. Addictions don’t take away underlying issues. Sure, you may think it’ll numb it out, but the Bipolar is still gonna be there... That doesn’t go away... It just gets covered up and blocked out by the addiction...”

“Eventually, it won’t even be blocked out any-more, because addictions only work in the short term... You can only push things away for so long... Your underlying emotions and demons will burst right back out at you...”. Nikki is squeezing my shoulders now, and he’s giving me an intense look.

“I don’t know if his Bipolar was the trigger... What I do know is that it’s evident that James is dealing with all of his demons that were probably blocked out... His Bipolar Disorder is very strong right now, but so is his addiction... Dealing with them separately is Hell in itself, but having to deal with both of them simultaneously...”

As Nikki is talking, it’s starting to hit me how exhausted I feel... Emotions can be so draining... I let out a yawn that I try to hold in, but Nikki must have noticed, because he ruffles my Mohawk and smirks.

“You can go get some rest, DJ... It’s been a long day...”

I’m just about to make my way to my own room, but I suddenly have an urge to peek back into James’s room just to make sure he’s okay... Just to make sure he’s still relaxed...

I can feel my body tensing up, as I stare at Nikki.

“Can we check on him?”

“I just... I’m not comfortable going to bed without knowing that he’s safe... Ya know?”

Nikki nods his head and squeezes my shoulder, as we both stand up.

“Yeah...”. He smiles. “Of course.”

When we both get inside James’s room, I slowly make my way to the side of his bed, and kneel over it. I just can’t take my eyes off of him... He’s just laying there... He looks at peace, but he just looks so... sick... so disconnected from himself...

I can feel a little lump forming in my throat, and I take a deep breath. His skin is almost translucent looking, and now I understand what Nikki meant when he said it wasn’t just ‘normal’ paleness... His fingers look so boney, and his nails are discolored. He’s wearing a big sweatshirt, but even so, I can still see that he’s shivering.

I’m about to reach for the comforter on his unmade bed, but I hesitate, unsure if putting the blanket on him will wake him up... but eventually, I give into my gut instinct, and slowly pull it up to his frail body.

I just stay here for a few moments, watching James breathe, until...

I suddenly find myself in a praying position, and before I know it, the words of a healing prayer that my mom taught me while growing up start pouring out of my mouth.

_“Hail Mary, full of grace, spiritual mother to those in need... I fervently request Your heavenly intercession for my friend, James, who is ill and in need of God’s miraculous assistance... You truly care for the sick and offer them your compassionate support in powerful acts of healing...”_

As I’m speaking, I can sense Nikki near me, and he puts a hand on my shoulder. I can feel tears welling in my eyes as I finish.

_“Stay near to James, with your maternal protection... Console our anxious hearts and grant that our physical and emotional sufferings be a source of purification and growth for eternal life...”_

I gulp, and slowly reach my hand out to James.

_“Amen.”_

I lightly rub his hand with my thumb, as I quietly whisper, with tears beginning to fall down my face.

“We just care about you so much, James... I wish you could see that...”

I start to shake my head and close my eyes.

“I don’t want anything to happen to you... You’re like a brother to me, and I love you.”

I open my eyes, blink a few times and wipe the tears off of my face, before I get myself to stand up.

I’m finding it extremely difficult to leave the room, because I’m so scared to leave him...

“Hey... Don’t worry...”. I pop my head up at Nikki’s voice. “I’ll stay here with him... Go rest...”

I’m about to protest, because why should Nikki have to be the one to lose sleep, when I coul—-

“I’m not feeling too good about leaving him alone, either. I don’t want to take a risk and leave, especially if something... _medical_ happens...”. He has his hand on my back, and he’s looking at me with fatherly eyes. “...or just... I feel better staying until I know he feels safe mentally...”

I nod my head and feel a sense of relief. I’m just about to make my way to my room, but Nikki pulls me aside one last time.

“And... hey...”. He breathes in and looks at me. “I just want you to be prepared... This was a very intense _high_ that James experienced... He’s most likely gonna have a really low crash... Might be lower than others... I’ll keep an eye on him.”

~ ~ ~

_‘On and on, all that I’ve been sayin’ is_   
_Go. Go and live your life,_   
_‘Cause I can’t save it._   
_No matter how I try._   
_You know I gave you everything against advice._   
_Lost myself now I can’t end this co-dependant life.’_

~ ~ ~

_Two days later:_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

Everything feels like a fuckin’ blur... I feel like my life is just fogged up, and everything... my emotions, my thoughts, my actions.... it’s all mixed up and contorted. I’m having trouble remembering things... I don’t even know how I got here... And... why the hell Nikki is sitting down right next to my bed.

At the same time, I have no energy to care or to try to do anything about it... I haven’t moved from this position I’m in... I don’t even know how long I’ve been here. Like I said... I feel like I have no perception of time or anything... Honestly, a lot of times this happens during depressive episodes... really bad ones.

I can hear Nikki talking to someone... but it sounds blurred.

_“How long has he been like that? Laying there?”_

_“Almost two days...”._

_Fuck_... is that... DJ? He’s talking to DJ?

My whole body feels so heavy, like it’s sinking into the bed. I don’t think I have the strength to move or tell him to leave even if I wanted to. I’m feeling... numb.

_“I knew from the moment that I saw him running that he was gonna go into a depressive state... I didn’t realize how intense his ‘high’ was though... for the crash to be like this...”._

Wait... a _‘high’_?

What _‘high’_?

My brain feels like mush. I can’t string coherent thoughts together. It feels like it’s taking too much work for my head to function properly. I’m so fuckin’ confused right now...

_“We’re gonna have to post-pone our next few shows... I’m too fuckin’ worried... We can’t take a chance and have something happen... He can’t get himself out of bed...”_

It’s hard to make out what he’s saying, but I can make out the genuine urgent concern in his voice... All that’s doing is clogging my body up with shame.

I don’t know how much time passed since... I don’t know anything. I just know that I have no motivation or drive to do anything but just lay here... I’m numb, but I feel despair at the same time. I’m numb, but my head is full of darkness and hopelessness.

_‘What’s the point of doing anything else?’_

_‘What’s the point of getting out of bed?’_

_‘What’s the point of moving?’_

_‘What’s the point of doing anything worthwhile?’_

_‘What’s the point?’_

My brain feels like a big, dark cloud of heavy doom... Everything is foggy and blocked out...

_‘You’re a worthless piece of shit who can’t even get out a bed like a normal functional human being.’_

_‘Look at you... You can’t do the easiest task in the world. You can’t move yourself from the same position you’ve been in for two days!’_

_‘You’re a fuckin’ embarrassment. Why the hell do people even keep you around? Seriously, James... You’re a hopeless case... ‘_

_‘Things would be better if you just rotted away... Just lay here and let yourself deteriorate... Life would be easier for you and everyone around you, wouldn’t it?’_

The only things that I can make out clearly are the voices inside of my head... The ones that are taunting me... Everything else is blurry, but those nasty voices... They’re distinct.

_‘You’re wasting everyone’s energy, James... They shouldn’t be using their energy to try to help you when you can’t be helped... You don’t deserve to be helped... Even if you tried to help yourself you wouldn’t be able to, because you’re fucked up.’_

“James?”

I’m somehow able to make out Nikki’s voice in the middle of my self-deprecation. I’m exhausted, and so tired, but I open my eyes and see him sitting in the same spot that he was before... There’s a chair right near my bed, and he’s been here for god knows how long...

“You know your brain is lying to you, right?”

_Yeah... Here he goes, spitting out bullshit..._

I don’t say anything. I don’t have the energy to. That doesn’t stop him from continuing, though.

“Depression is devious, James... It’s just like an addiction. It _lies_.”

I was just about to ask myself why he would even bring up depression, but then I remember that he’s been watching me lay here in the same position for the past two days... I’m embarrassed, but not enough to say anything. I just curl myself up even more under the covers.

I can hear Nikki sigh, and he suddenly grabs my hand, and squeezes it. I would normally pull away, but there’s no drive in me to do anything.

There’s no point.

“I _know_ it’s hard to not believe what your brain is telling you, and I _know_ how real it feels, but it’s not real...”

He’s fuckin’ lying, and I don’t see the point of him bullshitting me, but he continues anyway.

“It feels real right now, but it’s distorted. Your mind is playing games with you.”

I feel like everything in my life is distorted, and I honestly don’t know what’s real or not any more... My perception of myself... How I feel in my body... My emotions... I can’t trust anything! It feels real. Everything feels so real, and I’m so damn sick of everyone telling me that what I see and feel isn’t real!

I can start to feel little tears welling in my eyes, and I feel myself freezing up, even though I haven’t even moved. I just feel an uneasy sensation in my body, but the depression I’m feeling is weighing me down too much for me to be able to run away...

“You’re having a bad depressive episode, James... I know this feels horrible, and I know how dark your thoughts get during these, okay? But, do you know what I also know?”

_Tell me, Nikki. What the hell do you know?_

“I know that you are a strong person, whether you believe it yourself or not. I know your worth, and I know how you have the strength to overcome these demons... I know this about you, even though you don’t believe it, because it’s the opposite of what your brain is telling you... But, I know it.”

He’s squeezing my hand even tighter now, and the more that he speaks, the more I can sense the intensity in his voice.

“I know that the real James is in here somewhere... Your spark of passion... That fire that you held... You still have it. It’s in here. I can still see you...”

“Your true self is blocked by your addiction... It has disconnected you from yourself...”

Now, I can feel both of Nikki’s hands on mine.

“James, I _know_... I’ve been through it. Addictions suck the life out of you. It’s all that your mind is consumed by... I know how it feels easier to let yourself rot away, and succumb to the addiction... I know that your mind is spitting things out at you, and I know how scary it feels to be out of control...”

“When you’re sick, you can’t think straight. You can’t make rational decisions... James, your brain needs glucose to work the right way... Your body can’t work if it’s being starved...”

“I know everything feels foggy right now... You’re depressed, but you’re also malnourished, and your body is trying to work with the little nutrients that it does have... Your blood sugar is low... Everything feels blurry because your body is starting to give up...”

I don’t know how I manage, but I somehow get myself to open my mouth and speak. My voice is raspy, and it hurts to talk.

“Nikki......”. It feels like it takes so much energy to even say his name, but I force myself to spit out the rest. “Please... leave....”

It felt like it took the remainder of my energy to say that, and I let my eyes close.

I feel like I just ran a fuckin’ marathon...

~ ~ ~

_‘You know that you can change._   
_You’re sleeping at the murder scene,_   
_Just to make you feel part of the unspoken._   
_So much for innocence,_   
_It really messed us up back then._   
_Anaesthesia’s slowly wearing thin…’_

~ ~ ~

_Four days later:_

DJ’s P.O.V

_3:00am_

I’m sitting on my bed crying. I’m fuckin’ hysterical, bawling my eyes out because I hate this. I hate that I’m being forced to do nothing when one of my best friends in this entire world is basically killing him self... and I can’t do anything about it!

I’ve stopped counting the number of times that I’ve woken up hyperventilating, and in tears, because of a nightmare I’ve had... Every goddamn night, I wake up bawling because I’m so fuckin’ scared. I’m so scared that it’s gonna happen. James is fucking dying and I can’t do a goddamn thing about it!

It’s not fair! I wish I could do something. I wish I could just stop him. I wish I could shake him by the shoulders and make him see reality. I wish I could snap him out of whatever Hell he’s living in!

The worst part is that I know I can’t. I can’t control what he does or doesn’t do. I can’t tell him the way he’s supposed to live his life. I have no say in any of this shit, but I wish I did.

I don’t understand... I don’t understand how he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing. Or... maybe he does, but he’s just in way too deep to be able to crawl himself out. He’s so blinded from the raw reality that he can’t see what all of this shit he’s doing is leading to.

I do. I see it crystal clear, and I wish I didn’t. I hate that I know exactly what will happen to him if he doesn’t stop. I wish I didn’t have to think about it, but I’m forced to. I’m forced to because this harsh reality is shoved in my face every time I see him. I can’t avoid it if I’m face to face with it all the fuckin’ time, and it _hurts_. It hurts so fuckin’ much.

It hurts that I’m being forced to watch him die... slowly and painfully. Every fucking day I catch myself praying to God... I pray and I beg him to keep him alive. It’s a desperate kind of pleading, because it’s gotten to the point where I never know if I’m gonna wake up and find him dead or alive. It terrifies me to the core to admit this, but the fear has become completely paralyzing. I’m frozen in this terror that consumes me, but am also so desperate to be able to do something —- to save him from this.

But I can’t save him from anything.

I’m powerless in this situation, and I can’t do anything but just sit and watch him dig his grave.

The world is _cruel_.

The worst things always happen to good people.

James doesn’t deserve this! He doesn’t deserve any of this shit! He NEVER deserved any of this, but he got it. He developed this fuckin’ parasite of an addiction. He got sucked into such a tormenting, terrorizing, piece of shit, life-or-death disease, and it’s just NOT FAIR!

I’m so upset, but I’m also so _angry_. I’m pissed at the world and the fuckin’ universe for putting James through this Hell. Who makes these decisions? Who the _fuck_ chooses who will have to live with these horrible illnesses? Who the _hell_ decided on James?!

Why him?

He’s such a fuckin’ GOOD person! —- WHY DID HE HAVE TO GET IT?! Of all fuckin’ people, you had to give it to him! GOD! FUCK YOU!

~ ~ ~

I decided to write a letter to James that I won’t actually give him, but I just thought it would be a good way to get my feelings out without acting out or doing something impulsive. Nikki would be proud of me.

_Dear James,_

_I am so fuckin’ pissed at you, because you’re doing this to yourself! You’re smart enough to know exactly what you’re doing, but you won’t stop!_

_WHY WON’T YOU STOP?!?!_

_I hate that you’re destroying yourself! I hate that you’re killing yourself from the inside out._

_I hate that you don’t see your worth as a person and you’re choosing to let yourself rot away instead. I hate what this disease has done to your head —- It’s consumed you and sucked out your soul._

_I hate that I don’t recognize you anymore, and that I feel like I’m grieving you, even though you’re still alive. I hate that I know this will end up killing you if you keep going, and I hate that I’m watching it happen._

_I hate that I have no choice but to let it happen because I know you’re the only one who can change your ways._

_I hate that I know all of this, but I still catch myself trying to save you..._

~ ~ ~

_‘On and on, all that I’ve been saying is_   
_Go. Go and live your life._   
_‘Cause I can’t save it,_   
_No matter how I try._   
_You know I gave you everything against advice,_   
_Lost myself now I can’t end this co-dependant life.’_

~ ~ ~

_One week later:_

I feel like a wreck right now, and I wish I didn’t have to be here on stage right now, because, of all songs to perform, _“Rise Of The Melancholy Empire”_ is not the one that I want to be playing right now... It’s already been so hard to play this show so far, but now... I don’t know how I’ll get through this one.

“There's always struggle here... with senseless pain and murder...”

Of all songs, this one is the most emotional. This one is hitting me so hard, and I feel like I’m about to burst into tears, but I can’t. I can’t on stage. I can’t right now.

“No mother's milk to sip... No innocence to nurture”

All this is doing is reminding me of everything going on... It’s making reality even more real... It’s just reminding me of James... and how... I can’t fuckin’ help him!

“May God be cruel to you... May he lay his Hell upon YOU!”

I feel a huge lump in my throat, and I have to do my best to swallow it. Every time I look at James, I want to crumble to the floor... _I can’t do this. I can’t do this—-_

“We will grow strong from this.... We will not be defeated....”

“However hard they try... Over and over and over a thousand times!”

My body feels frozen, and my heart is in my throat. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I feel paralyzed, but at the same time, my emotions are about to burst out of me.

I’m trying to lose myself in the music, but it’s so hard... It’s so fucking hard.

“Through all this suffering... as fall turns into winter...”

Every time James sings a verse, I have to look away. The audience has no idea of the suffering that the three of us are going through right now...

“We will be back again... and grown in newfound numbers...”

“May God be cruel to you... May be lay his Hell upon YOU!”

Every time James belts that line, I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m so fuckin’ angry at God right now. I’m angry at the goddamn universe for putting us through this! For putting James through this—-

“We will grow strong from this... We will not be defeated!”

I can feel my body trembling, and I’m about to fucking break down.

“However hard they try... over and over and over a thousand times!”

_Please... God... Help me get through this..._

~ ~ ~

Getting through that show felt like Hell. I don’t know how I even managed to do it without breaking down in front of everyone, but I did. I had to force myself to disconnect from the reality and pain of my emotions, so I could function up there while still giving the audience a powerful performance that they hopefully won’t ever forget. Once it was time for my guitar solo during “Rise of the Melancholy Empire”, I was somehow able to channel my emotions and use them to fuel my performance... It was hard. It was excruciating, but I did it.

I also tried my best to avoid looking at James, because I knew it would just make things worse for me. I felt a lump in my throat almost every time I heard his voice reverberate through the microphone, and all I wanted to do was just run off the stage and fuckin’ cry.

Now that the show is over, that’s exactly what’s happening.

I’ve been locked in this room for a while. I don’t know exactly how long because everything feels like a blur right now. The second I was able to come back to the dressing room, I ran in here, curled myself up into a ball, and started to cry.

Crying doesn’t really do this justice. I’m breaking down, in wet salty tears. Everything feels so painful and overwhelming right now that I’m not sure if I can even breathe the right way. My eyes have been squeezed shut because I don’t want to open them up to face the unbearable pain that I can’t escape from. My head is in my knees and my arms are wrapped around them.

It feels safer to make myself smaller. It almost feels like I’m protecting myself. I feel so vulnerable but it’s almost a safer kind of vulnerability because I’m holding myself in a tight embrace. I’m squeezed tight into a ball, so no one can get in. I’m trapped in this small box with all of my emotions and fears and catastrophic thoughts.

No one is here but me. It feels safe to let myself feel pain if no one is around to see it, but at the same time, there’s a huge part of me that feels some kind of longing. It’s the inner child inside of me that just wants someone to find me and comfort me. I wish someone could tell me all of this would be okay, but I know none of this will ever be okay. The pain is too overwhelming and no amount of comfort would ever be enough.

But... even though I know that, I can’t help but plead in the back of my head for someone to just come and give me a hug. I feel like a big baby who is lost and doesn’t know how to handle something like this in such a big, confusing world. It’s hard to be an adult and still admit that you need comfort from someone. It feels humiliating and unacceptable to be so helpless... I should be handling this better, but I can’t.

Right now I can’t. I can’t stop these feelings and I can’t push these emotions away anymore. It feels like everything is just bursting out of me all at once and it’s making a huge, elaborate mess that I’m gonna be left to clean up.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here in the same spot. I can’t stop crying, and I can’t get myself to even move an inch. I don’t want to move. I want to stay right here. I want to hide here as long as I can....

_“DJ?”_

I could swear a hear a voice coming from the distance and it sounds so far away. I still can’t get myself to move, even though I know whoever it is will eventually try to coax me outta here.

_“Hey.... DJ....”_

It’s the moment that I hear the voice again when I realize who it is. The second I do I feel an icy chill creep up my spine and I curl myself into an even tighter ball.

_“Are you okay? What’s going on?”_

I can’t talk. I can’t even move my mouth to open it at all. If I do, all that would come out is a strained whimper. I must have accidentally let one out because James immediately scoots himself closer to me, and I feel even more vulnerable.

_“Fuck... Are you crying? Here... c’mere....”_

I suddenly feel his arms wrapping around me and I feel like I can’t breathe at all. His tone of voice is full of genuine concern and there’s this warmth that travels through me once I’m locked in his embrace. At the same time, having him be the one to find me here is just making the reality and pain of everything hit me even more, and I feel paralyzed. I just break down even harder and I have no motivation to even try to stop at this point.

_“You’re okay.... You’re alright, buddy....”_

His voice is soothing and the comfort that he’s bringing me is almost haunting. I need this nurture right now more than anything, but it feels eerie. It feels eerie because he has no idea why I’m breaking down. He doesn’t know that I’m hysterical right now because of _him._ He doesn’t know how scared I am. He doesn’t know that I’ve started to accept the fact that what he’s doing to himself is going to kill him, and I don’t know how much longer he’ll be here on this Earth for...

_“I got you, okay.... I’m right here...”_

He doesn’t know that he might not be here for much longer!

_HE DOESN’T KNOW—-_

_“I’m not leaving you, buddy. I’ll stay here until you’re okay...”_

I’m never gonna be okay, James.

You’re hugging me right now, but it doesn’t feel like it’s you. I feel like it’s your ghost... your fuckin’ spirit, because I’m just losing you more and more each day. I feel like you’re evaporating right before my eyes, and soon you’re just gonna disappear into thin air. It’s happening too fuckin’ fast, and I can’t do anything to stop it!

Why can’t I fuckin’ _STOP_ you—-

All I want to do is beg. I just want to beg and plead to him to not leave me. I’m clinging onto him so hard right now because I don’t want him to leave me. I don’t want him to disappear. I don’t want to fuckin’ let go of him.

I wish this was some kind of horrible nightmare.... I wish this was something that I could just wake myself up from, but it’s not.

This is _real._

~ ~ ~

_‘Go. Go and live your life._   
_I can’t save it, No matter how I try._   
_You know I gave you everything against advice._   
_Lost myself now I can’t end this,_   
_Co-dependent life.’_


	34. Courtesy Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can vaguely make out blurred voices and they are only getting closer, and that’s when I realize that the paramedics are here, and no, no, no, no—-
> 
> “NO!”
> 
> “Shh... DJ...”. Nikki is trying to get me to let go of James, but I can’t! I can’t let go of him! “DJ, you have to let them take him... You have to let go... DJ, it’s okay—-“
> 
> “No... No, no, no, please no...”. I’m getting hysterical again and I’m just hyperventilating. “Don’t make me let go! Please......”
> 
> “DJ... They need to take him so he can get to the hospital.” I can feel James getting lifted off of me, as Nikki speaks to me in a soothing tone. “He’s going to the hospital. They’re gonna take care of him...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE TRIGGER WARNING!!!! This chapter deals with a lot of sensitive content including: suicidal ideation, descriptive eating disorder behaviors, depression, panic attacks, dissociation... basically, its a HUGE SHIT SHOW.
> 
> (If you don't remember the prologue of this story.... well... it may or may not come back to you when you read this ;) )
> 
> I'm extremely emotional and sentimental because not only was this chapter heavy as all hell... but this story is coming to an end in the near future... I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself when this is finished! :((((

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’m so depressed to the point where I’m numb and I’m not feeling much of anything. I’ve become desensitized to emotion.

I have no balance... It’s always one end of the pendulum to the other... either overload, emotional intensity OR numbness and hypoarousal...

I constantly feel weak, fatigued, sore, and dizzy. I’m muscle wasting, and sometimes I can hardly move from where I am sitting because my legs don’t want to work. I get muscle cramps and pins and needles... When I stretch, all of my bones crack, and I am in so much pain, but of course I do my best to pretend everything is fine, when obviously... it’s not.

I constantly taste stomach acid in my mouth from all of the purging and it’s disgusting. My teeth are probably rotting from all of the acid on the enamel. My throat currently feels like I swallowed glass, and my face and cheeks are puffy from the purging.

This isn’t _‘fine.’_

This is _sick_.

Also, whenever I sit, my body hurts because I have no cushion for my bones. My tailbone, hipbones, and spine all jut out, and even laying in bed is painful... The mattress isn’t enough cushion for me.

I’m dying and I know that, but I can’t stop. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing at this point.

There’s no James anymore.

I lost all hope and that’s fine, because I know this is gonna kill me anyway, so I might as well just keep doing it... I’m a chronic, hopeless case.

I wish I could sleep and not wake up because this would all be over, and I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this anymore. I would finally be at peace.

That’s _all_ I want.

That fuckin’ car should have hit me that night. It should have hit me, and if it did, I wouldn’t be here right now begging for something else to kill me...

I didn’t even know that I had ran into traffic... I must have dissociated during that episode, but Nikki told me what happened, and how he pulled me away... It was an impulsive, reckless decision on my part... a panic fueled, manic decision... I didn’t know what the hell I was doing... I couldn’t think straight... My mind wasn’t clear... But now...

Now, I’m sitting here, wishing that it hit me... Right now, I’m feeling frustrated that Nikki didn’t let it happen.

I just can’t do this any more.

I’m desperate... I want the pain to end. I feel like I’m living in Hell all the time, and I can’t do this.

I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I’m lost to a point of no return.

I’m begging for help on the inside, but defending and protecting this addiction with all I got on the outside...

~ ~ ~

_‘Well you found me, but I don't know_   
_Why you wanna save me...’_

~ ~ ~

_Four days later:_

If I’m not laying in bed, awake, letting my shame and dark thoughts eat away at me, then I’m either doing something self-destructive or just fuckin.... _unreal._

I don’t even know how I got here... I don’t know why I’m here... Actually, that’s a big lie. I know why I’m here. My neglected and screwed up brain led me here... My body led me here, because it’s so desperate for nutrition. It led me here to try to remind me to feed it... It led me here as a huge attempt to get me to hunt for food. It led me here because it’s pleading for me to nourish it. It’s pleading for me to take care of it.

It’s pleading for me to save it.

It’s 12 in the morning right now, and no one in their right mind would be at a drug store, walking around in circles because they can’t get themselves away from all of the food that is scattered around the store on various shelves, and down numerous aisles.

I don’t even know how I managed to walk here. I feel like I can hardly move my legs to walk right now... They just feel ridiculously heavy, like all of the muscle that I used to have got eaten away. I’m absolutely exhausted and so fuckin’ tired right now... I don’t even want to be here. I feel like I’m about to collapse onto the floor because I don’t think my body can even hold myself up for much longer, but I still can’t get myself to leave the store.

Honestly, I’ve felt really physically sick the whole day today... I usually don’t feel right, but today... Things seemed worse than usual.

My energy levels are usually non existent, but today it was hard for me to get myself out of bed, not only because of depression, but because my body just felt like it couldn’t move. Moving my legs an inch felt like it took way more energy that I had. Whenever I tried to, I got a weird Charlie horse sensation through my calves... It made it almost impossible to find mobility because they felt numb.

Eventually I found a way to sit up, but the second I did, I felt dizzy. It’s not like I stood up too fast... I sat up, but it took longer than usual for the lightheadedness to subside.

That’s pretty much how my whole day went... I just sat around my hotel room, because I had no energy to do anything else... until.... now.

It took until 12 in the morning for some fucked up, adrenaline-filled, impulsive energy to shoot through my body. Even though it’s definitely not real energy, I still couldn’t help the impulses that bubbled up inside of me, and I ended up here.

I felt like hell, and didn’t know if I would even make it here without collapsing, but still ended up here.

I still ended up at this twenty-four hour drug store. I still ended up feeling compelled to surround myself with food that my body is desperately begging me for.

This is what things have come to.

~ ~ ~

_‘Well, God is great and God is good_   
_But God didn't help me when he could_   
_And life dances so slowly by.’_

~ ~ ~

I’m pretty sure that Nikki and DJ are asleep, and if I was normal, I would be too, but instead I’m back in my hotel room, with my head going in circles, wishing I could eat something because I’m honest to god, so damn hungry, but that’s not happening.

What am doing then?

I have all of the food that I bought scattered across the counter, and I’m just staring at it... You would think that since I just spent god knows how much time pacing around the drug store looking at the food, that I would be done with that by now... but... that’s not how my brain works.

It’s almost like the food is a magnet, and it’s pulling my body towards it.

I am so tired and don’t even know how I’m up doing this right now... Despite feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck and stomped on a thousand times, I can’t overpower the compulsions that my head is forcing me into.

I can hardly even stand up straight. I’m leaning onto the counter, but I’m still somehow managing to stay upright so I can analyze all of this food... I’m analyzing every little detail of it... I’m reading the nutrition labels, even though I don’t need to look at the numerical values to know what the food consists of. I’m scanning over the list of ingredients that each item is made of... I’m even checking the expiration dates...

My head is spinning, but it feels fogged up at the same time. Like I said, I’m absolutely exhausted, but if I’m not laying in my bed with no energy to do anything else, then I’m probably engaging in something bizarre.... Just like this.

My brain is either full of dark fog that consumes me with pure doom, hopelessness, and shame.... or it’s filled up with numbers. It’s filled up with taunting thoughts and images of food.

It can be fogged up and disconnected from everything else, but somehow, the vivid obsessive thoughts of food break through that.

It’s hard to explain it, but it almost feels like if you’re manic and depressed at the same time... You’re exhausted, and drained, and your life just feels like a blur, but at the same time, your mind is racing so fast, your brain won’t shut off, and you have intense compelling urges to just... do something.

Even though all you want to do is collapse and let yourself disconnect or numb out from everything, the urges to engage in compulsions are too fuckin’ strong that you just can’t help it... You can’t fuckin’ wait.

The impulses turn on.

That’s _exactly_ what this feels like right now.

I don’t want to be doing this... I don’t want to stare at all of this food and just repeat all of the numbers to myself over and over again... I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this now, but I haven’t stopped. Everything feels blurred together even more because of how fast my head is spinning.

It’s spinning because not only have I analyzed all of this food to such a disordered extent, but somewhere in the middle of that, I started to organize it all. I started to line the food up... in order of the dates of expiration...

First, I categorized them by the type of food they were... Then, I put each category in order from earliest date to latest date.

I don’t have anything to say about how ridiculous this is...

_All I know is that it’s the perfect thing to do to make yourself feel like an absolute mental case._

It’s in moments like this when I catch myself wondering... I start imagining how DJ and Nikki would react if they walked in on me right now... Would they even have a reaction, or would they have already expected something like this? Would they have known that I do this often? They know the behaviors I engage in, but do they know the tormenting and exhausting compulsions that I’m forced into? Do they know how my brain can’t work right, so it leads me into doing shit like this as a desperate attempt to get me to feed myself?

Do they know the extent of how my brain is malfunctioning?

It’s the moment that I catch a glimpse of the time on the microwave that I realize how long I’ve been in here...

It’s been almost an hour... Almost an hour of me being a lunatic... Analyzing, organizing, and staring at food...

I’m still leaning on the counter because I feel even more exhausted than I did an hour ago when I started, and right now I realize it’s been long enough... I need to just get away from the food and lay down...

Yeah... I _wish_.

I wish I could get myself to walk away, but I can’t... I can’t because that forceful magnet sensation that I felt at the beginning just got more intense, and now....

I feel the dread, because I _know._

I know there’s no way out of what’s about to happen.

~ ~ ~

_‘This is just a courtesy call_   
_This is just a matter of policy_   
_This is just an act of kindness_   
_To let you know that your time is up’_

~ ~ ~

_2:00am_

DJ’s P.O.V:

These nightmares that I’ve been having haven’t stopped.

I still have them constantly... At least once a night I end up waking up, shaking, with that hollow gnawing feeling in my stomach. It’s almost at a point where I’ve become used to this... I don’t want to even admit that, but I expect this now.

I’ve been feeling consistent panic and fear for months on end... It’s become normal. It shouldn’t have to be this way. Those emotions are usually brought up for someone when they’re in danger, or something really catastrophic is happening, or there’s some kind of natural disaster...

That’s the thing.... This whole reality feels like that. It _is_ catastrophic. It _is_ a disaster.

At this point, the fear has eaten at me for such a long time now, that the unpredictable almost seems more... _predictable_.

At this point, I catch myself just waiting...

I’m waiting for it to happen.

It’s not the question of whether it will happen or not any more. No... Now, it’s the question of _when_ it’s gonna happen.

When is the day gonna come that James’s body gives up on him? When is he gonna be found unconscious or dead somewhere? When am I gonna be forced to say goodbye to him?

I’m so scared, but it’s at such an intensity that I almost feel disconnected from it. It’s like my brain is trying to protect me from feeling, because it’s too terrifying. The reality is too close and too fuckin’ petrifying for me to bear... so I can’t feel it. I feel distanced from it, even though it’s hitting me in the face.

It’s two in the morning right now, and I don’t think I’ll be able to get myself to fall back asleep. I’m just curled up in the blankets in my bed, but I know I’m shaking. This dream was one of the worse ones I’ve had... Part of me wants to knock on Nikki’s door and see him, just so I don’t have to be alone right now.... but the other part of me... I feel so vulnerable right now that it almost feels safer in a weird way... It feels safer to hide myself in the darkness of this room, in this bed, in these covers...

~ ~ ~

_‘I, I can't feel anything_   
_My arms are numb and I'm hoping_   
_You noticed the line I left off’_

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

There are rare moments where I catch myself being able to break through the depressive fog that consumes my brain. For a split second, the reality hits me.... that I’m dying, and that I don’t want to die.

I don’t want to die... That phrase shoots through my head so quick, and I feel fear. These moments don’t happen often... I never know when they’ll come, but they do, and right now...

Right now I’m having one.

Right now I’m scared of dying, but I know that it’s not gonna be long until my depression overpowers this part of me. It’s not gonna be long until I start pleading with the universe to let this illness kill me. It won’t be long until I lay in bed hoping that my body will finally give up on me, granting me the peace that I’ve been longing for.

I don’t know when it’ll shift. It can be the next hour... The next day.... The next week...

There’s no way of knowing, but all I know is that right now, I’m scared.

I’m scared of knowing how much damage I’ve done to myself.

I’m scared of not knowing if my body is gonna suddenly give up on me.

I’m scared of leaving everyone I love.

I’m fuckin’ scared, but I still somehow end up in the bathroom engaging in the very behaviors that I know are gonna kill me.

I’ve been in here for at least a half hour... Everything feels like a blur because I’ve just been repeating the same cycle over and over and over again...

_Chug, purge, flush, repeat._

I feel like I’m on autopilot.

_Chug_

_Purge_

_Flush_

After each cycle, I feel worse. The more my heart palpitates, and the more I shiver. I’m starting to notice my hands turning a purplish color, even my lips. That’s how fuckin’ cold I am right now, but I can’t stop. My body is feeling so weak. It’s taking a lot to lift my arm to drink the water, and all I want to do is lay down.

_Just a few more times._

I could feel my eyes drooping because of how exhausted I am.

_You’re almost done._

My feet are cramping up in weird places and it’s ridiculously uncomfortable.

_You’ll be fine._

After about three more times, I see that the water is clear, which is the ultimate signal that I’ve done my job well and that I can finally rest.

But.... not today.

I catch my eyes scanning over the remainder of ipecac syrup that I left on the counter near the sink... The ipecac that I bought impulsively a few nights ago... A decision that my malnourished and deteriorating brain led me to make...

I also know how bad of an idea this is... considering how I feel right now. I gotta be real. I’m laying down on the cold tiled bathroom floor because I don’t have the energy to sit up or even walk out to my bed. My legs feel like bricks. I’m shivering and my hands are purple and shaking. My lips are dry and have a blueish tint to them, and I feel a strong pressure on my chest like someone is pushing on it.

But... I still feel the need to do this...

At least I know it takes around twenty minutes to actually make me sick, so I can lay here for a half hour before that. I’ll be okay.

I lift myself up for a second to grab the bottle off of the counter, and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Even though my vision isn’t completely clear right now, what I see is enough to make me nauseous.

There’s rare moments where I can actually see what Nikki and DJ see... That I look _sick_. Right now is one of those times.

My skin has no color to it and my hair has thinned a ridiculous amount. Since I’m only wearing my white ribbed undershirt, I can see how much I’ve actually deteriorated. My ribs poke out, my chest bones are showing. Bones are popping out where they shouldn’t be. My eyes are sunken and it’s obvious that I don’t sleep because I have the worst dark circles I’ve ever seen on anybody.

I look like absolute _hell_.

I lower myself down to the ground, drink what’s left of the ipecac, and curl up into the fetal position as I wait for the hell that I’m about to endure.

As I’m laying here, I’m noticing my body is feeling a lot heavier than before, despite being completely emptied out. I feel like I’m sinking right into the ground and soon I’ll break it. I’m also feeling slight tingles in my hands and it’s going up my whole arm. What’s even freakier is that I can hardly move it at all. Whenever I do, it feels like any last bit of energy I have is being used. The pressure that I had on my chest has gotten worse. Now it feels like twenty pounds of bricks are sitting on it, and it’s scaring me.

This hasn’t happened like this before, and part of me is wondering if I really fucked up bad this time.

~ ~ ~

_‘All that you'll find inside_   
_Are bells and butterflies_   
_But I'll be smiling when I die’_

~ ~ ~

_3:00am_

DJ’s P.O.V:

I haven’t gotten myself to relax... not one bit. Instead, I’m just laying here, feeling my heart beating right out of my chest. I’m sweating now, and I feel uneasy.

I don’t know... Something doesn’t seem right. I have a really bad feeling right now... I know if you sit with yourself and your thoughts for a long time, sometimes you get in your head too much, and your anxiety eats at you... Filling you up with catastrophic scenarios... but...

This is _different._

I feel something in my gut. My intuition is screaming at me... Telling me that something is wrong and that I should check on James.

It’s like I have some kind of sixth sense. There’s this little voice in the back of my head that’s saying that it would be a good idea to see if he’s okay. I always want to do that, but... usually I’m asleep at 3 in the morning... Right now I’m not, and... The urge to check on him is just getting stronger, and stronger...

I take a deep breath, as I pull my phone off of the end table, and send out a text. Honestly, I don’t know why I did that instead of calling, when there’s a higher chance of him answering my call, but...

I sent a him a text, and now I’m calling him. I’m not even waiting for him to answer the message, because I just need to know he’s okay...

I need to hear his voice.

I need to know that he’s still.... with me.

After a few failed attempts of getting James on the other line, and just hearing his voicemail, I’m starting to feel really uneasy.

There are loud sirens going off in my head telling me to go to his room.

There’s also another part of me that’s trying to tell myself that he might just be asleep right now... But...

My gut is telling me something else.

My gut knows that James doesn’t sleep. He might be in bed right now, but he’s not sleeping... He can’t sleep.

My gut also knows that if he _isn’t_ in his bed right now...

It’s the very second that thought runs through my head that I feel it. _Adrenaline._ It’s shooting through me, and the urgency that I felt to check on James just overpowered everything else.

I don’t think twice before I jump out of my bed and walk across the hall to his room. My heart is beating out of my chest right now... I’m exhausted and delirious from lack of sleep, but I also feel high strung, and too, too, too alert.

I begin knocking, lightly, on his door, because I don’t want to disturb the other people staying in this hotel, but...

“James?”

I’m definitely not knocking loud enough for him to hear me, so I use more force.

“James! It’s me...”

It doesn’t take long before the knocking becomes intense pounding... I’m starting to feel desperate now, because he _definitely_ should have answered by now... He _definitely_ should have heard me...

There’s no way that James wouldn’t hear me. There’s no way.... _unless_...

No, no, no, no—

I can feel myself shaking my head frantically at that, and feel tears of panic welling in my eyes, but... but....

It could be a possibility.... It could be _real_.

It’s this very moment when I discover that I know how to pick a lock... The panic I’m feeling is so intense right now that I went to that measure... _Somethings not right. Somethings not fuckin’ right—-_

“James?”

The lights are all on in his room. His bed is unmade, but he’s not in it... I can make out his phone on the counter of the kitchen area...

Everything is so eerily quiet.

 _Too_ quiet.

It’s the very second that I see the lights on in the bathroom that I know... I know that he’s _definitely_ in there—-

“James?!”

I’ve never ran somewhere so fast in my life. The door isn’t closed all the way, so I force it open. My stomach is twisting and turning into knots right now, and all I want to do is scream... But... the words won’t come out.

I can’t even move. My whole body feels frozen in place... My muscles feel paralyzed. I’m beginning to feel all of the color drain from my face. My stomach feels hollow, and my chest feels tight.

_I... I can’t fuckin’ breathe._

He’s sprawled out on the floor of the bathroom... He’s just laying there... With nothing but sweatpants and a white, sleeveless shirt on... and... and...

“No.....”

I immediately fall to my knees in front of him, and when I do, I see a tiny bottle near his head. I gently put my hand under him, so I can lift his head to see what it is.

It’s the very moment that I read the words across the bottle, and see the blood in the toilet bowl, that I start screaming, because...

“NO!”

I was expecting it to happen. I was fuckin’  
expecting this to happen, but NOT NOW... NOT THIS SOON—-

“No, no, no, no, NO!”

My throat feels like it’s about to close, and I feel like I’m about to barf. My heart is in my throat and I can’t breathe. I can’t fuckin’ breathe right now—-

“FUCK!”

I’m shaking him. I’m shaking him so hard, but I’m not getting a response. I’m not getting ANYTHING—-

“JAMES!”

I feel the tears falling down my face at a rapid speed now... I’m soaked. My smeared eyeliner is dripping into my eyes, and my breathing is shallow, and I can’t think straight—-

“WAKE....UP...”. I can hardly make sense of the words that I’m spitting out. My voice is muffled from my tears, and my vision is blurred from the makeup getting in my eyes. “GODDAMMIT JAMES!”

I’m hysterical. I feel like the whole world is spinning around me and everything is fuckin’ crashing down. Everything is crumbling. I feel like the world is breaking into a million pieces and they’re all falling on me, and I can’t handle this.

I CAN’T HANDLE THIS!

“Don’t do this to me, James!”

I can’t stop crying, and I can’t stop shaking him either. I can’t stop screaming. I can’t stop _pleading—-_

“DON’T FUCKIN’ DO THIS TO ME!”

I can’t think straight at all, but I somehow have the rationale inside of me to call 9-1-1... except, _FUCK!_

My phones in my room. I left my phone in my fuckin’ room, and I can’t leave James. I can’t leave him. I can’t leave him—-

“NIKKI!”

I scream his name at the top of my lungs, letting my throat burn. My voice is raspy from all of the crying and everything hurts right now.

_Everything._

“NIKKI! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!”

I don’t even know if I’m making any sense right now. I don’t know if my words are coherent enough to understand. I don’t know how many people I’ve woken up with my hysterical screaming. I don’t know if I’m gonna get kicked out of this hotel for making a disruption. I don’t fuckin’ know anything!

I don’t fuckin’ care about any of that! I just need James to be okay. _I need him to be okay—-_

I can begin to make out loud footsteps in the midst of the chaotic tornado in my head. I’m so hyper-aware but I can also feel myself beginning to dissociate because of my panic. Everything is too vivid but it feels fogged at the same time. Too much is happening right now. It’s too much.

This is _too_ much!

_“What happened?! What’s going on?!”_

I’m crying so hard right now that I can’t even form a sentence to answer Nikki. I feel hands squeezing my shoulders, but I can’t move. I can’t do anything but just hysterically cry. I can’t take my eyes off of James—-

All of a sudden, I remember the bottle of ipecac that I found. I can feel my eyes bugging out. I’m about to grab the bottle so I can show Nikki, but he beats me to it. I can hear him let out a gasp.

“Jesus Christ...”

Even though he’s speaking under his breath, I can vividly make out the fear in his own voice. Even though he seems calm on the outside, I know he’s panicking inside just as much as I am.

Before I can even blink, Nikki is kneeling down right in front of me. He has his hands on my shoulders, and he’s speaking in such a steady, clear-headed tone.

“DJ, I’m calling an ambulance, okay?”

I can hardly make out what he’s saying because of everything. Everything feels like it’s jumbling together and my head is spinning. It’s racing with panic, and I can’t breathe.

_I can’t breathe!_

I keep trying to get oxygen into my lungs but I can’t! _I can’t—-_

“DJ...”. I can feel my head being lifted up to face Nikki, but all I want to do is pull it back down. I don’t want this to be real! _I don’t want this to be REAL—-_

“Breathe.... DJ, you gotta breathe....”. I suddenly feel something cold touch my hand, and it snaps me out of the tornado in my head for just a second.

“Try your best to keep a clear head, DJ... Listen to me.” I’m just staring at Nikki, and I know my eyes are bugged out. They’re about to pop out of my sockets, and I STILL can’t fuckin’ breathe. “I’m calling an ambulance, okay? Stay here with James. I’m getting my phone.” He gives me one last squeeze on the shoulder before he makes his way to his own room.

I’m left in the same position that I’ve been in this whole time. I don’t think I’ve let go of James once. I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to, because I don’t want him to leave me.

He _can’t_ fuckin’ leave me!

I’m soaking his body with my tears but I don’t care! I feel like I’m clinging onto him for dear life.

I wish I could shake him and just ask why the fuck he’s doing this to himself! I just want an answer! I don’t understand!

I just want to understand!

“Why?!”

My voice is fucking trembling but I feel haunted... I wish he could answer me... I just want him to ANSWER me!

“Why are you doing this?!”

I’m basically screaming now, but stammering at the same time because it’s hard to get words out when my panic is this high.

“Fuck!”

My heart just feels like it’s constantly breaking and trying to get put together, only to be broken over and over again. Right now, it’s shattered and I don’t know if it can be put back together. It feels empty. It feels empty because I’ve lost such a big fuckin’ part of it!

The tears won’t stop falling. They’re only getting heavier and heavier... I can hardly see anything. All I can see is James, and now I’m gently lifting his skeletal, limp body on my lap, so I can cradle it. It’s disturbing how effortless it is to move him.... His body fuckin’ got eaten away so much... It’s like there’s nothing left of him.

The second that I feel James’s body on mine, I let out a strained whimper.

All I feel are his fuckin’ bones. All I see are his bones... and his tattoos.... but I can only focus on his bones. That’s all I fuckin’ see, and it’s all I feel. He’s usually covered up in layers when I see him... I’ve never fuckin’ seen him like this... I never saw everything _exposed._

I start to rub my hand across his back, but all that does is make everything worse, because I just feel his spine. Part of me is terrified that I’ll fuckin’ snap him in half if I rub his back too hard.

The more I stare at him, and the more I cradle him, the more nauseous I feel, and the more tears pour down my face.

I close my eyes and whisper under my breath, despite my debilitating panic.

“What... what are you doin’? You gotta stop this.... Jesus, James... _please_...”

I’m snapped out of my trance by Nikki’s loud, pounding, footsteps. My hearing is foggy and I feel like I’m seeing tunnel vision, but I could still make out a few words.

_“Yes... Yes... I think he overdosed on ipecac syrup... No, he’s not conscious...”_

The longer I look at James, the less color his skin has, and the colder he feels.

_“Uhh...”_

I snap my head up as Nikki shouts from the hallway.

“DJ! Does he have a pulse?!?!”

_Fuck. How did I not think of checking that?!_

I struggle to find the right spot on James’s bony neck to check, but when I do I want to scream. You have to pay extremely close attention to feel the heartbeat... It’s so slow and barely there.

“DJ?!”

I grit my teeth and manage to choke out, in tears.

“B... barely.”

There is a long period of silence, and I frantically scream.

“TELL THEM TO GET THEIR ASSES OVER HERE NOW!!!!”

I could hear Nikki relay my message, but in a much calmer and mature way.

_“Just.... get here as soon as you can, PLEASE.”_

It only takes a few moments for me to feel Nikki’s hands on me again. I can feel my whole body shaking. I’m trembling, and I’m sweating. I can’t think straight. I can hardly see anything because my tears are blocking my vision. I still can’t breathe the right way.

I’m still refusing to let go of James.

That is.... until...

_“Where is he?”_

_“Which room?”_

_“Clear everyone away!”_

I can vaguely make out blurred voices and they are only getting closer, and that’s when I realize that the paramedics are here, and _no, no, no, no—-_

“NO!”

“Shh... DJ...”. Nikki is trying to get me to let go of James, but I can’t! I can’t let go of him! “DJ, you have to let them take him... You have to let go... DJ, it’s okay—-“

“No... No, no, no, please no...”. I’m getting hysterical again and I’m just hyperventilating. “Don’t make me let go! Please......”

“DJ... They need to take him so he can get to the hospital.” I can feel James getting lifted off of me, as Nikki speaks to me in a soothing tone. “He’s going to the hospital. They’re gonna take care of him...”

I’m still screaming and crying... I’m throwing a tantrum like a little kid would... That’s how I feel inside... I feel like a kid. I feel helpless right now. I feel suffocated. I feel choked. I CAN’T BREATHE—-

Now, my head is pressed onto Nikki’s chest, and I’m soaking him up with my tears, as he’s rubbing my back. I’m secured into a grounding embrace, but I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop crying, and my wails are so fuckin’ _loud._

“He’s not gonna be alone, DJ... We’re gonna follow the ambulance to the hospital so we can see him, okay?” I can hear Nikki’s own pain in his voice, but somehow he’s able to speak so calmly and collectively... I don’t understand.

How the fuck is he not a panicked mess right now?!

I can’t even speak any more. I can’t even scream. I can only plead internally. I can’t get words out. My mouth can only work to let out desperate, heartbroken, sobs.

I suddenly feel a huge wave of nausea shoot through my body. I can feel my heart racing as I forcefully pull myself out of Nikki’s tight grip, and urgently scoot myself over to the toilet.

The last thing I see before I begin to release the panic-induced, toxic waste that built up inside my body, are the traces of James’s vomit-filled blood in the bowl.

~ ~ ~

_‘This is just a courtesy call_   
_This is just a matter of policy_   
_This is just an act of kindness_   
_To let you know that your time is up’_

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I don’t know what’s going on.... I don’t know where I am... I don’t know who I’m with... I’m... I don’t know if this is _real._

I can’t see anything. Everything is black, but I feel sensations. It feels like I’m laying down... I can almost hear people around me... Touching me?

_“Potassium..... 1.9 ....”_

_“....sinus bradycardia....”_

_“EKG shows a cardiac arrhythmia...”_

I know I’m laying down because my head feels pressed onto something... Something cushiony... But, I can’t move. I can’t move and I can’t see, but I feel people... I feel something touching my hand... There’s something touching my face... I feel things sticking to my chest.

_“IV fluids... hook him up to potassium... saline.... magnesium....”_

I can swear I hear things... There’s so much noise, but it’s all blurred.

_“Glucose levels are severely low...”_

I hear people talking.... I hear beeping... I hear sirens... I hear crying... I hear screaming.... I hear so much. I feel so much, but I don’t feel real.

_“It’s not your time to go, James...”_

I hear a woman’s voice... It sounds close. It sounds so close, yet so far.

_“Not yet... It’s not your time, sweetie.”_

Something sharp is going into my arm... I feel it. I feel it, but I can’t see it.

I can’t see anything.

_“You’ve made an impact on so many lives through your music... You’ve helped so many people... You have a life to live, James. This isn’t the end.”_

I don’t know if I’m conscious, or unconscious... Is this in my subconscious? Is this a dream?

_“Let us help you... Everything we’re doing right now is to help you...”_

Is this what death feels like? Being paralyzed... Not being able to move, but you hear and feel things... Are these voices spirits that I’m surrounded by?

_“You always say that life is beautiful.... Give yourself a chance to see it for yourself... It’s your time...”_

~ ~ ~

_‘This is just a courtesy call_   
_This is just a matter of policy_   
_This is just an act of kindness_   
_To let you know that your time is up’_

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

Two hours.

We’ve been sitting in the emergency room waiting room for two hours.

I feel like I don’t have any perception of time right now. Everything feels blank. I feel disconnected and numb.

My emotions were too intense earlier and they sucked the life out of me... Now... This is the aftermath.

I’ve just been sitting here, staring blankly at the white walls that I’m facing. I’m staring at the empty chairs across from me. I’m staring... _blankly._

I can’t feel anything. I don’t want to feel anything. I feel like all of the color drained from my face hours ago, and I’m just sitting here like a hollow, lifeless shell.

I know that Nikki has been squeezing my hand this whole time, but I can’t move to face him. I can’t move, period. My body feels limp. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I feel like someone took a vacuum and sucked everything out of me... so quickly.

It’s easier to dissociate than to feel everything. It’s easier to disconnect and have your brain bring you into a fogged up, unreal type of dreamland. It’s easier to separate from reality.

It’s easier to stay silent. It’s easier to not engage. It’s easier to drift away from the present moment.

It’s easier to just.... _not_ feel.

But I _do_ feel.

I feel cold. It’s freezing in this room. It’s freezing in this hospital. All I smell is antiseptics and I feel nauseous. I feel nauseous and I want to run away, but I can’t. My body can’t move. I’m trapped here. I’m trapped in this room.

Now, I feel my heart beginning to race, and I feel my body starting to tremble, and I feel my breaths becoming shallow—-

_“DJ?”_

I feel my hand being squeezed tightly by Nikki. I feel my head falling in between my knees, which are pulled up to my chest. I feel myself attempting to make myself smaller and to hide away. I can feel the panic bubbling up inside of me again...

I can feel everything crumbling down... all over again.

_“Stay with me, DJ...”_

Nikki’s voice sounds so far away, even though he’s right next to me. I’m trying to focus on it... It’s hard. It’s hard because I don’t want to be present right now.

_“You’re okay... Nothing has changed from an hour ago... We’re in the same room... You’re still with me... You’re not alone... You’re safe...”_

I feel Nikki’s hand on my back. He’s rubbing it, as I’m still curled up in a tight, protected, ball.

_“The doctors are helping James... He’s safe... He’s not alone... He’s being taken care of....”_

I don’t know how much longer this goes on, but I feel like my emotions come in waves. I’ll be numb for a few minutes... Then, I’ll break down. Then, I’ll dissociate again, and then I’ll panic... It’s like a pendulum. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to handle this...

I’m suddenly snapped back to reality, the second I see a doctor walk into the waiting area. I already know it’s the one who is treating James, and without thinking, I run up to her with a sense of urgency.

My heart is pounding out of my chest as I speak.

“Can we see him?”

She gives me a serious stare, but then smiles sympathetically, and speaks in a calm voice.

“Of course. Follow me.”

I feel a huge wave of relief wash over me. If she had said no, I would have found a way anyway.

The doctor begins leading us to an elevator, and up multiple floors. The second that the door of the elevator opens, and I see where we are, I feel adrenaline inside of me.

I’m about to run into the hall to somehow get to his room, even though I have no idea where it is, but I’m stopped in my tracks by a hand on my shoulder.

“Before you go in, I want to explain the situation to you guys.”

I look over at Nikki, who looks like a nervous wreck. I know I definitely look so much worse. I can feel my whole body getting tense because I’m not sure if I want to hear the reality, or if I want to run from it.

I really just want to see James and squeeze his hand so I know that’s he’s _here_ and _alive_ and _okay_.

“I just want to prepare you for what you’re gonna see. There are a lot of tubes, a lot of wires. James was in bad condition when he was brought in. It’s a good thing that you called 9-1-1 when you did, it was a close call.”

I’m starting to feel sick again, just by hearing her speak, and she didn’t even go into detail yet.

“You probably already know this, but James is dealing with complications of anorexia nervosa.”

The second that she says those two words, a sharp chill shoots through my body.

“Starvation alone takes a huge toll on someone’s body, but all of the effects are escalated when other behaviors are being used, like purging.”

I let out a hitched breath, but let her continue.

“One of the main complications is dehydration, which causes electrolyte imbalances. When your electrolytes are out of whack, it affects major muscles in the body like the heart. James came in with a potassium level under 2, which could have caused sudden cardiac death. His pulse was very irregular which is why we have to connect him to a heart monitor, and also because when we give potassium through an IV, it’s important to monitor the heart rhythms.”

“His blood pressure was dangerously low, and his lab work showed elevated BUN levels, which indicate that the kidneys are being overworked.”

I don’t know how the hell she can talk so calmly about this, when I’m over here on the verge of having another nervous breakdown...

My anxiety is so high that the voices around me are becoming blurred and I’m about ready to bolt over to the room and find a way to get in there myself. Luckily, just as I am about to, the doctor begins to lead us down the long hallway, and stops at a door at the far end.

“If you need anything, there’s a call nurse button right by the bed. Just press it and someone will be there as soon as they can. If James wakes up, be sure to get somebody.” She pauses, puts her hands on mine and Nikki’s shoulders, as she smiles. “Thank you so much for all of your patience.”

As soon as the door is opened to James’s room, and I take the first glance at him, I feel like I’m about to cry. I’m frozen in my tracks... I can’t get myself to move.

I’ve never seen a person look so _dead._

~ ~ ~

_‘This is just a courtesy call_   
_(Why'd you want to save me?)_   
_This is just a matter of policy_   
_(Why'd you want to save me now?)_   
_This is just an act of kindness_   
_(What'd you want to do it for?)_   
_To let you know that your time is up_   
_This is just a courtesy call_   
_(Why would you wanna save my life?)_   
_This is just a matter of policy_   
_(I know you did or you could)_   
_This is just an act of kindness_   
_(It's been comin' for a long time, long time...)_   
_To let you know that your time is up’_


	35. Suffocate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You scared the crap outta me, James...”
> 
> His voice is trembling a bit, and it might have cracked... I’m beginning to feel uneasy, because I feel the shame creeping up inside of my body.
> 
> I want to say something... I want to tell him he doesn’t have to be scared, but... My rational side knows that this is me trying to avoid. This is me trying to avoid feeling things... I can’t run away.
> 
> I’m fuckin’ laying in a hospital bed right now, attached to a heart monitor, with a pulse of 40, getting potassium pumped through me, and I’m still about to tell DJ that he doesn’t need to be scared...
> 
> That’s... That’s fucked up.
> 
> This is completely fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH ONLY TWO MORE CHAPTERS OF THIS STORY!!! I’m so sentimental guys, you have NO idea!!
> 
> TW: eating disorders, anxiety attacks, hospital shit
> 
> This brought up interesting memories of being in the hospital... such fun times!! (NOT!) lol

DJ’s P.O.V:

My eyes are locked on the hospital bed in front of me. My body still hasn’t moved, and I feel paralyzed. I can feel tears welling in my eyes, as my heart beats rapidly in my chest.

I’m starting to feel sick to my stomach again, because...

That person is _not_ James.

That’s not the James I know. It’s not the James I remember... It’s like the real James got replaced with a hollow shell of his real self. My heart hurts so much right now, because James is nowhere to be seen.

His soul has been sucked away and got replaced with a fuckin’ _corpse_. Satan took him away and now I’m just staring at a lifeless version of him... Someone who looks half-alive.... Someone who shouldn’t even _be_ alive.

The bright hospital lights make every little detail exaggerated, and I don’t think I realized how bad things were until this moment... Actually, scratch that. I’ve known how bad things were, but being here in the hospital and witnessing James in this state is forcing me to experience the pain on a whole new level.

There’s no running away from the reality. I can’t. I can’t run away from this.

I’ve never seen James so... _frail_. He would wear layers of clothes all the time so I never noticed the deterioration in such terrifying detail, but now, with him in just a paper thin hospital gown, it’s smacking me in the face.

His collarbones are jutting out and you can see his chest bones through his tattoos. His face is so hollow, and his dark circles are so prominent in these lights. There is absolutely _no_ color to his face at all. It almost looks translucent... I’m shocked I can’t see right through him.

It’s not just his physical appearance that’s stabbing me in the heart, but also all of the tubes and wires he’s connected to. There’s an IV in his left arm, which is connected to bags of fluids and potassium, which I heard is supposed to burn really bad when it goes through your veins. The other arm has a blood pressure cuff, and a pulse monitor on one of his fingers. He’s also connected to a full on heart monitor, so his chest is covered in those sticky electrodes... As a kid those always freaked me out. All of this freaked me out. It still freaks me out.

I’ve never wanted to cry so much in my fuckin’ life.

I still can’t get myself to move. I can’t take my eyes off of James’s lifeless body, and Nikki has to lure me further into the room. He keeps his hand on my back and shoulder. It’s comforting. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and it’s making everything blurry.

“DJ.... Here... Let’s sit down, okay?”

I can feel my body being lowered onto a chair, and as soon as my skin makes contact with the seat, I burst into tears.

I could feel Nikki’s arms wrapping around me, and his hand rubbing up and down the length of my spine. I feel so helpless and I hate to admit this because it makes me feel like such a baby, but I needed to be held like this. It makes me feel safe.

“DJ... It’s okay... Let it out...”

There’s so much I want to say, but all that’s coming out of my mouth are pathetic hysterical whimpers.

Finally, it all comes out.

“I should have said something sooner!”

Nikki gives me a confused but sympathetic look. He squeezes my shoulder.

I continue, in tears. It’s hard work trying to speak clearly when you’re hysterical.

“I knew something wasn’t right from the start... and I never confronted him about it because I thought I was overthinking it... I should have said something! THIS WOULDN’T BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!”

I’m suddenly interrupted by Nikki. His voice is sharp and clear.

“DJ... Listen to me.... This _isn’t_ your fault.”

_Yeah, okay. What other bullshit are you gonna spit out at me, huh?!_

I want to scream, because _it is my_ _fau—-_

“This is _not_ your fault. Even if you _did_ say something sooner, you couldn’t have stopped this from happening.”

I can feel angry tears building up in my eyes again, and my whole body begins to fill up with rage. My mouth opens and I blurt out.

“How can you say that?!”

At this point, I want to punch a wall. There’s so many goddamn emotions and thoughts going through my head right now and I just want them to _STOP_.

“Hear me out... I know this isn’t easy to hear, but its the reality....”

_Leave it to Nikki to say things how they are._

“You can’t make somebody get better from an addiction...”

I cringe at the word _addiction_ , even though I’ve heard Nikki use that word a million times, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve heard it. It doesn’t make any of this any easier to absorb.

It doesn’t take it away... It doesn’t make facing this reality any less painful.

“...and _yes_ , this is an addiction too. If an addict is in denial, it doesn’t matter how many people try to make them get help, or even force them into treatment...”. There is a long pause, before Nikki states the obvious... The hardest pill to swallow for all of us.

“If the addict doesn’t want to get help... If they don’t want it for _themselves_ , they won’t get better.”

I’m about to protest, but Nikki continues. He puts both of his hands on my shoulders and gets me to look him in the eyes.

“Take it from me, DJ. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t began my sobriety journey, and the only way I got here was by deciding that I wanted more in my life than misery and hell... “. He shakes his head, and looks deep in thought. “That’s what heroin gave me. It tricked me into believing I was safe and numbed from my past and emotions when I was high, but you can’t keep running away from reality, because eventually it will all smack you right in the face.”

He’s right. Sometimes the truth is hard but it’s what we need to hear. At least, it’s what I need to hear even if I don’t like it. Nikki knows his shit. He’s been through hell and back, so I’m really trying to trust him about this.

“James has to _want_ this. It has to come from inside. He has to recognize and come to terms with his illness, and he has to surrender...”. I can see Nikki take a glance at James in the bed, and hear him let out a sigh.

“But... that’s all up to him. We can’t make him do anything, but we can support him as much as we can.”

I feel an immediate chill run through my body just as Nikki finishes that sentence. There is silence... The only noises I can hear are the faint sounds of James’s heart monitor.

That’s when I slowly move my chair closer to the bed. Right now, I just need to be close to him... I need to be near him so I know he’s okay...

I catch myself just staring at first.... I’m just staring at James sleeping, and I’m just staring at those bags of IV fluids that are going through this veins... I’m staring at his heart monitor...

_40 bpm_

The only part of this that’s putting me at some ease is hearing the sound of the machine picking up his pulse... The number on the screen is making me feel nauseous because it’s so low, but that fear is almost overpowered by the fact that his heart is still beating.

He’s still alive.

I take a deep breath, as I slowly reach my hand out to grab James’s. The second that my skin makes contact with his, I feel myself tense up. His skin is so... _cold_.

The hospital itself is fuckin’ freezing, but I’m smart enough to know that James doesn’t have enough body fat or insulation to keep himself warm. Despite being covered in multiple blankets, I can still make out his body slightly shivering.

That’s when I notice a pile of neatly folded blankets in the far corner of the room, and without any hesitation, I make my way over and grab two of them. They feel warm, like they’ve been heated...

“DJ... What are you doing?”

I snap my head up at Nikki’s voice. He’s giving me a fatherly look of slight disapproval, but his eyes are full of empathy at the same time.

I just stare at him with wide eyes, as I glance at James, and then back at Nikki.

“He needs more blankets... He’s fuckin’ freezing...”

“I know... But, I’m not sure if you’re allowed to do that yourself or if that’s a job for the nurses.”

I bite my lip, because Nikki has a point, but at the same time, I don’t care. I just wanna make James as comfortable as possible.... Being in a hospital is never comfortable, but being in a hospital while connected to so many wires, and tubes....

“Oh... Come on!”

I just give Nikki my best puppy dog eyes, like a little kid would... I’ve been told by tons of people that I’m good at it, and whenever I do it, it works for some reason.

I can hear Nikki let out a sigh, as he cracks a small smile.

“Okay, okay... Go ahead.”

Once I make my way back to James’s bed, I carefully begin to unfold the first blanket, and slowly lay it on top of him.

“Watch the IV—“

“I’m good, I’m good.”

I’ll be honest and say that it’s a little anxiety provoking doing this, because I could easily mess up the positioning of the medical equipment or accidentally have the IV get pulled on the fabric, but I think I’m okay... I think I’m being careful.

Once I successfully get the second blanket wrapped around him, I feel a little more at ease... I sit myself back on the chair that I pulled right next to James’s bed, and lean my hand over to rub my fingers through his blonde hair.

I don’t say anything, even though there’s so much I want to say.

Even though I’m full of intense emotions right now, I’m also beginning to feel the exhaustion of this whole thing... It’s hitting me again, and suddenly I feel like I don’t really have much energy. I can feel my body beginning to sink into the cold, hospital chair... and before I know it, I have my head leaning on the side of James’s bed.

The last sound that I remember hearing before drifting off is James’s heart monitor going off.

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_3:00pm_

The first thing I notice when I try to open my eyes is that its incredibly hard for me to move any muscles.

The second thing I notice is how much my whole body... _hurts_.

I’m feel so out of it and disconnected from everything... I don’t know where I am, or how I even got here... I still haven’t opened my eyes fully yet, because whenever I try to, I feel blinded. I feel like bright rays of light are beaming on me and I keep squeezing my eyes back shut, because it’s _too_ bright...

It’s too bright, and I can’t move... I know I can’t, because even though my eyes are closed, I’ve tried to lift myself up from this laying position, but my body feels too weak.

“Lay back down, James...”

I also feel someone gently pressing me back down, despite my pathetic attempt of sitting up.

That’s when I become aware of how I feel things on my body... Like I’m connected to things, that are keeping me from moving. I can feel my body tensing up, despite my physical weakness, and that’s when I attempt to open my eyes once again, this time really trying to fight the blinding brightness.

My eyelids feel incredibly heavy, and I have to blink a few times to get my eyes to adjust to the lighting, but when I do, the first thing I see is DJ’s blurred face hovering over me.

“Oh... my god...”

He sounds relieved, but I also hear the deep pain in his voice... A sound that I’ve become too used to...

I have to blink a few more times to get my vision to clear up more, and that’s when I notice everything else...

I see the heart monitor... I see the blood pressure cuff on my arm... I see the IV pole with all of the fluids attached to it...

That’s when I realize where I am.

I suddenly feel a surge of panic beginning to bubble up inside of me, and my heart is starting to race...

“Hey, James... You’re okay...”

I feel someone squeezing my hand now, and the beeping of that heart monitor just got way faster—-

“Fuck...”

I don’t even realize I’m capable of speaking until I blurt that out, because my arm feels like it’s on fire right now.

It came out of nowhere. I don’t know what’s in that IV, but I feel like flames are running through my arm, and it’s going up my chest, and—-

My eyes are squeezed back shut now, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt something so painful before in my life... and that’s saying something.

If I had the energy and strength to pull the IV out of me, I would, but I can’t. I can hardly even move my fuckin’ arm because it feels heavy... It feels like it’s burning.

“I know... I know it hurts James... It’s the potassium... That shit burns so fuckin’ bad...”

I can hear DJ speaking to me in a soothing voice, and now he’s running circles into my hand. I can also hear Nikki’s voice... It sounds a bit far away, but I can still make out his gentle words in the distance.

“We’re getting a nurse, okay? Hang tight, James.”

There’s so many questions running through my head right now that I want answers to.

I don’t know why the hell I’m here right now or how the hell I even got here... I don’t know why I’m hooked up to so much shit and why I can’t fuckin’ move—-

“I’m right here, James... I got you...”

There’s so many things I want to ask and scream and plead with... but I can’t, because I’m too focused on how much pain I’m in right now and I need it to stop. _I need it to stop._

_I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!_

“Hey, James?”

I can hear a woman’s voice cut through my panic stricken tornado of thoughts... I try my best to open my eyes, so I can see her face. She is giving me a gentle, empathetic, expression, and her voice is comforting.

“I know the potassium burns, so I’m going to dilute it with some more saline, okay?”

I feel a gnawing sensation in my stomach the second I hear the word _‘saline’_... because...

Saline means... _salt_ , and salt means... _water retention_... and water retention means that my body is gonna blow up... and that means I’m gonna be taking up too much _space_... and I don’t _deserve_ to take up space... Taking up space is _scary._... Taking up space is _vulnerable_... and... and...

_Oh god... oh god...no._

The memories that are associated with water retention are tormenting... Now I can’t make out any of my surroundings because the only thing I can hear is the noise in my head.

My brain is going haywire right now... All of the distorted, tormenting thoughts are being shot out at me... It’s spinning. My head is spinning. Everything is so loud. It’s so fuckin’ LOUD.

_You can’t let them do that, James! You can’t let them! That’s water! You’re gonna blow up! You’re gonna fuckin’ blow up. James, no! Oh god no. Oh god no. Oh god no._

_OH GOD... NO!_

“James, it’s just water... It’s just salt and water... No calories... No sugar... It’s not gonna do anything to you, I promise.”

The nurse must know I’m panicking, because she’s trying to talk me down. Her voice is soothing, but I can’t process what she’s saying. I can’t, because I’m freaking out right now—-

“It’s gonna continue to hurt really bad if you don’t let her dilute it, James.” I can feel DJ squeezing my hand even harder than before, and he’s giving me a desperate, almost-pleading look. “Your body needs the potassium... You gotta let her give it to you.”

“I know your brain is spitting out bullshit right now, James...”. Now, I can hear Nikki on the other side of me. “I know it feels real. I know it’s terrifying to not listen to it, but it’s _lying_ to you.”

“It’s _lying_ to you so you continue to give in, even when you’re laying in a hospital bed....”

Everything is blurring together and I feel myself dissociating, but I’m somehow able to get myself to nod my head.

Even in the midst of my panic, I know I need to let this happen. I know I need this... My rational side knows that I’m in the hospital for a reason, even though I don’t actually know the details of what brought me here... It also knows that it’s only water... It’s not gonna hurt me... It’s not gonna hurt me...

“It’s not gonna hurt you, James... Alright?” I can see the nurse tampering with the IV pole machine, and part of me wants to see what she’s doing, but I also know that it’ll probably send me into a catastrophic, obsessive, tornado of numbers if I do, so I don’t.

I just let her do what she needs to, as I’m forcing myself to lay here with the debilitating anxiety that’s eating at me. It’s not long before the burning sensation that I felt in my arm decreased an enormous amount, due to the extra saline in the IV bag... I’m relieved that the pain is going away, but my anxiety is rising because I know I’m getting more fluids pumped into me.

I’ve gotten myself to steady my breathing just a bit, but my mind is still racing. It’s racing because even when I find myself in the hospital, attached to machines and electrolyte solutions, I still somehow feel the horrible urge to break my body down even more than I already have...

Even though I’m being given IV fluids for a reason... a reason that might be _critical_... I still feel panicked knowing that I’m unable to get diuretics to flush the fluid out of me.

Even in the state that I’m in right now, that manipulative side of my brain is taunting the shit outta me, and I can’t do anything to stop it.

~ ~ ~

_9:00pm_

Everything feels like a blur at this point. I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I did, and I’ve woken up multiple times... I feel like my emotions drained the shit outta me, and since my body is so physically weak right now, I just drifted off...

I can’t keep track of how many times I’ve gotten woken up... First, it was for bloodwork... I felt a nurse gently shake my shoulder and when I opened my eyes, I saw the equipment. I don’t remember much because I was so delirious when it happened, but I do know that apparently it was difficult to get the blood flowing because I’m so dehydrated. I think I had to be poked twice, and my arm is sore...

My heart monitor keeps going off and every time I try to close my eyes and relax, I can’t, because the damn beeping starts. It sounds like a fuckin’ siren, and all I want to do is punch the damn thing, or even disconnect myself from it... but I don’t even have the energy to do that right now.

It’s had to go off at least seven or eight times since the nurse came here to dilute my potassium... And that was three in the afternoon... It’s nine at night now, and it’s happening again, and I have a bad headache already, but this isn’t helping the case... I can’t help but let out a groan, because...

“Hey, James? I know you’re sleepy, but I need you to try to elevate yourself...”

All I want to do is curl myself tighter into a ball in this bed, but I can feel a nurse gently lifting my head up.

“Your pulse keeps dropping into the thirties when you lie down... That’s why the monitor keeps going off.”

~ ~ ~

_2:00am_

I was feeling pretty hopeful that by staying elevated after being woken up by the dumb heart monitor a few hours ago, that I would be able to get a few decent hours of sleep... I was wrong.

I’ve just been in and out... I’m so exhausted and weak right now that I’m not even fully aware of anything. It must be in the middle of the night now but I’m not completely sure... I just know that this time the potassium started burning me really bad again, and the pain jolted me awake... Now I’m just laying here. My eyelids are so heavy and I’m absolutely exhausted, but I can’t get myself to fall asleep... Even if I was able to, the fuckin’ monitor would probably end up going off again, anyway, so now I’m asking myself if there’s really even a point in trying.

~ ~ ~

_5:30am_

Well... Apparently, I was able to fall back asleep for a little bit, but unfortunately I should really just cherish whatever rest I can get at this point, because a nurse just woke me up for bloodwork... _again_.

I can tell it’s morning now, because I can see the sun beginning to rise out the window of the room... The sky looks an orange-purplish color... Honestly, if you look closely, it’s a pretty beautiful view.

“I hate to wake you up, again, James, but you’re scheduled to have your blood taken twice a day... We have to keep an eye on your potassium levels.”

At this point, I don’t even argue. I just plop my right arm out, and hope in the back of my head that the nurse doesn’t poke too close to the spot where blood was previously taken.

With the rate this is going, I’m gonna end up looking like a fuckin’ pincushion by the time I get outta here.

~ ~ ~

_8:00am_

“James, I know you probably don’t want to do this right now, but since I need to give you oral potassium, I’m gonna need you to try to put something in your stomach.”

I know the nurse has probably been in here for at least five minutes now, but I’ve been frozen in the same position, because... I just... I _can’t_.

I can tell my heart race increased because I can hear the monitor beeping faster, and I’m pretty sure that the nurse knows I’m anxious... She’s giving me an empathetic look, as she continues.

“Your potassium levels actually _dropped_ overnight, so we need to supplement your intravenous fluids with potassium that you take orally...”. She puts a hand on my shoulder, and I feel myself tensing up. “Oral potassium can irritate the stomach if it’s taken alone... I don’t want you to get sick or feel nauseous.”

I’m feeling nauseous just by thinking about food... I’m nauseous because I’m getting anxious, and I don’t even have anything in front of me yet—

“It doesn’t have to be a lot... It can just be a piece of fruit, or a slice of toast...”.

I don’t remember the last time I ate carbs like that... I don’t remember the last time I ate a fuckin’ piece of fruit.

I don’t remember the last time I ate something that I kept down... I don’t know if my body can even handle it... I’ll probably end up getting sick from eating something because my body doesn’t know how to process food, since all I’ve done for the last god knows how many months is throw it all up anyway!

I’m still frozen and can’t get myself to open my mouth to say anything. All of the catastrophic thoughts are swimming around in my head right now...

It’s bad enough that I’ve been forced to lay down in this hospital to get fluids pumped into me, that have made my body swell up, but now... Now, I’m gonna be forced to eat something... _I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t—-_

“If you look through this menu, I guarantee you’ll find something that you might be able to try...”. She hands me a hospital menu, and I open it with shaking hands.

It’s in moments like this when I wish I still had those protein bars around... Those fuckin’ bars that I would hoard... For a while, they were the only things I was able to keep down... They were _‘safe’_ foods for me...

Of course, the first thing that comes to my head as I take a peek at the menu is protein... Anything with protein... Grilled chicken, or egg whites, or Greek yogurt... I’m honestly fuckin’ scared to have to eat anything right now, but if I’m gonna be forced to, protein is gonna be the least anxiety provoking for me.

It’s still gonna kill me, and send me into a panic attack, but... It’s familiar. It’s a familiar, safer, food for me than the rest of what’s on that menu.

I take a deep breath, as I close the menu and hand it back to the nurse.

“Did you find anything?”

I bite my lip to keep it from trembling, as I slowly nod my head, even though I feel like I’m about to burst because of my panic right now.

“I’m... I’m not comfortable with the...”. I feel so embarrassed saying this because I know I probably sound like a fuckin’ mental case, but I also know that I doubt the nurse of all people is gonna judge me right now, so I spit the rest out. “I’m willing to try... egg whites... Turned into an omelette or something, I don’t know...”

That receives a smile from the nurse. “We can totally do that for you.”

I feel a tiny bit more at ease knowing that it’s doable, but I just remembered that I don’t know how the cafeteria cooks the eggs... Do they fry them in butter, or oil, or are the pans sprayed with non-stick cooking spray—

“Hang tight for about fifteen minutes. The food should be ready by then, and I’ll have you take the potassium with it.”

I can hardly hear what the nurse just said to me because all I’m focused on is the noise in my head.

It doesn’t even take long before a food tray is placed right in front of me, and I’m just sitting here... I’m sitting here panicking because I made a horrible fucking decision.

My brain is still spitting out tormenting scenarios at me... All the horrible things that are about to happen if I eat the eggs... _I’m gonna fuckin’ die. I feel like I’m gonna fuckin’ die._

Staring at the food is making me dissociate. I’m seeing tunnel vision. I can’t focus on anything else in this room but the damn egg whites on that plate, and... and... How the _fuck_ they were cooked...

_Fuck, I can’t do this. I can’t do this—_

I want to scream:

_‘I changed my mind... I can’t fuckin’ do this—-‘_

“You don’t have to finish it... Just try to take a few bites...”. She smiles again. “Can you do that for me, James?”

The second that I pick up the fork, I can feel my hand shaking. It’s shaking so fuckin’ bad right now, but I’m still able to somehow put a tiny scrap of egg to my lips, and oh god...

I feel suffocated the moment that I feel the food touch the inside of my mouth, and I swallow... My throat feels like it’s about to close right now, and I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this—-

“I can’t do this.”

I didn’t even realize that I was capable of speaking, but apparently I am because I blurted that out. I can’t breathe right now. My whole body is trembling. I can hear the nurse trying to talk to me but I can’t make out what she’s saying... I can only hear voices... but it’s fading away...

_“Hey, James...”_

_“James, do you take any medication for anxiety?”_

My panic is so bad that I’m dissociating. I’m seeing tunnel vision but I’m disconnecting from the present. I can hardly make out my surroundings at this point. All I feel is my heart beating out of my chest, and the tiny bit of egg white that I just ate... I feel it... It’s _contaminating_ me...

_“Who’s listed as the emergency contact on his file?"_

~ ~ ~

NIKKI’s P.O.V:

The vibrating of my phone jolts me awake from my light sleep. It’s not even that early, but I’m exhausted... emotionally exhausted.

The second that I look at the number on the screen, I recognize it as the hospital’s phone number, and I automatically feel a pit in my stomach. I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves, before I slide the bar to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Mr. Nikki Sixx?”

“Um, yes... Who am I speaking with?”

There’s a bit of a pause on the other end, and I can swear I hear someone screaming in the background... I feel a gnawing sensation in my stomach because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that it’s James’s voice.

“It’s Jenny, from Cedar-Sinai Hospital. I’m actually James’s nurse for the day, and I see you were listed as the emergency contact on James’s hospital file.”

I nod my head and breathe.

“That’s correct.”

“I’m calling to see if you would give us permission to have a hospital psychiatrist give James an anti-anxiety medication...”

There’s a huge part of me that’s wondering why the hell they’re calling me about this, when they could have asked James... The other part of me knows that James might not be in the right state of mind to be able to answer that question rationally. I can’t help but ask the first question anyway.

“Did you ask James first?”

“Of course.” There’s a pause and I hear James cursing. “However, James isn’t in a state of mind to be able to act rationally right now...”. I can hear her take a breath as she continues.

“We tried getting him to eat some egg whites so he could take oral potassium without it upsetting his stomach, and it triggered a bad anxiety attack. And...”. She stops speaking again, and I hear more screaming. “Hold on one minute, please!”

There is silence, but I can still hear James yelling and cursing in the background. I can also hear the nurses attempting to calm him down. I can’t make out anything they’re saying, but just the blurred screaming is making me feel extremely uneasy.

“Thank you so much for holding. James’s anxiety escalated very quickly, and he’s been trying to disconnect his IV—-“

“Jesus Christ...”

“He can’t make rational decisions right now because of how high his panic is. Are you willing to give permission for us to administer an anti-anxiety medication?”

I feel conflicted, because there’s a huge part of me that knows James is an adult and he is responsible for his own decisions, but the other part of me knows that I was listed as an emergency contact for a reason, and he is in no right state of mind to be able to think straight at all—

“Yes.”

I breathe in.

“Give him something to calm him down.”

~ ~ ~

_10:00am_

“Hey... I know that was hard for you, James...”

I know visiting hours technically don’t start until a few hours later in the day, but after hearing about the incident with the egg whites earlier from the nurse over the phone, she allowed me to come to see if I could help keep James grounded.

I don’t know what medication they gave him, but it definitely seemed to have done its job. James looks really relaxed right now, almost on the verge of drifting off, but I can still see his eyes open. He’s curled up on the bed... He looks vulnerable, and it breaks my heart knowing how much pain he’s in right now. It hurts to know how tormented he feels in my head, and just how the action of taking a tiny bite of an egg white sent him into a debilitating panic attack.

I know I’m not gonna get a response from him, but I keep on talking any-way. I just want him to know that I’m here. I’ll always be here.

“You’re doing the right thing, and a lot of times the right thing is the _hardest_ thing to do... But you did... You’re trying, and that’s fuckin’ awesome, James.”

I reach my hand out to ruffle his blonde hair, as a joke, and let out a sigh.

“Rest up... DJ will be here later... He really cares about you, James... We both do.”

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

_4:00pm_

I hardly remember anything from this morning... The only thing I remember is that I tried to take a bite of egg whites so I could take the oral potassium... but... that’s all.

Everything else is a blur. It’s like I got knocked out and now I’m becoming aware of everything again.

I’m aware of the fact that I fuckin’ put something in my body, and I can’t do anything about it right now. I can’t because it’s been hours since, and it’s already digested. My body has already been contaminated and I don’t even want to know what’s going on inside of it right now.

Of course, because of that thought, every single urge for every single one of the self-destructive behaviors that I’ve been engaging in have popped up. They’re swimming around in my head, but I can’t do any of them because I’m just trapped here. I’m trapped in his hospital, attached to these wires and these machines, and I have no control of my body. I have no control of what’s happening to my body. I have no control of what is being done to my body right now.

I’ve been in this hospital for over a day, which means I’ve been pumped up with fluid for over twenty-four hours. All of that fluid is sticking to me, and it’s swelling my body up. I can fuckin’ feel it. I see it. I swear to god, I see the changes. My body is being distorted and contorted, and now I feel so unsafe... I feel unsafe and I can’t do a goddamn thing about it!

It’s _not_ fair!

“You know... I’m really proud of you for trying those eggs...”

DJ has his hand on my shoulder, and I know he’s trying to help right now, but just hearing him remind me of what I did is making me feel _worse_. It’s making all of my urges stronger.

The thing is that I have these horrible urges to engage in the behaviors that have sent me here, but I don’t actually _want_ to give in... The urges are strong but the rational part of me doesn’t want to give in, because I feel like hell, physically. I feel like hell, mentally, but I can really only focus on the physical right now...

It’s hard to keep my eyes open because I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, and then a truck ran me over multiple times... All of my muscles feel sore, as if I did a vigorous workout, but I didn’t. My body can’t handle exercising... It stopped being able to handle exercising weeks ago, because of how much abuse I’ve inflicted upon it. I’m staring at my arms, and I can see a ton of bruises scattered across them, blending in with my tattoos... I know they’re from malnutrition, but some are also from the IV... at least the ones on my left arm. And... my skin... I don’t know if it’s because of the lights of this hospital, but even I can see that it’s basically translucent. I could swear there’s a sick, yellow, tint to it...

“Hey...”

I’m snapped out of my observation by DJ’s voice. He’s looking at me, smiling, but I can tell he’s hurting so badly right now. I can see he looks exhausted... He looks like he hasn’t slept in god knows how long. I’ve never seen him like this before, and I feel a heavy pang of guilt.

I can hear him take a deep breath, and I can tell his body is shaking a little bit. He looks at me, as he rubs tiny circles into my hand.

“You scared the crap outta me, James...”

His voice is trembling a bit, and it might have cracked... I’m beginning to feel uneasy, because I feel the shame creeping up inside of my body.

I want to say something... I want to tell him he doesn’t have to be scared, but... My rational side knows that this is me trying to avoid. This is me trying to avoid feeling things... I can’t run away.

I’m fuckin’ laying in a hospital bed right now, attached to a heart monitor, with a pulse of 40, getting potassium pumped through me, and I’m _still_ about to tell DJ that he doesn’t need to be scared...

That’s... That’s fucked up.

This is completely _fucked_ up.

“I...” DJ begins speaking again, but he shakes his head, and I can tell he’s trying to shake away the tears that are about to drip down his face. “Do you know what happened, James?”

He’s staring at me with a look of deep, desperation. I see all of the hurt, and the fear, and the frustration, and the sadness, and... everything. He’s feeling _everything_ , and I caused this. I fuckin’ caused this.

I’m a horrible, fuckin’ person.

I let the shame and guilt weigh heavy on me, as he continues.

“Your body couldn’t take it any-more...”. There are tears running down DJ’s face now, and his voice is shaking. “You were just laying there... There was... There was fuckin’ blood in the toilet....”. His lips are trembling and he’s squeezing my hand even harder than before.

As he’s speaking, I can feel Nikki’s hand on my shoulder from the other side of my bed.

“I... I just wanted to check on you... You know?” There is a pause, until DJ let’s out a strained whimper. “And... your door was locked... and... I found a way in... and... I found you...”

I try my best to not look away from him, even though that’s all I want to do, because I need to stop running away from everything.

All I’ve been doing this whole time has been running. I’ve ran away from everything that made me uncomfortable... I’ve ran away from things that scared me... I’ve ran away from the things that hurt... The harsh realities...

I’ve tried to run away from my emotions, and my past, and my brain... I’ve tried to escape reality and dissociate so I wouldn’t have to face anything... because it was easier.

It’s way easier to not feel, but I can’t numb out from this.

I have to let myself feel this.

I have to let myself face everything right now.

“I thought... I thought you were _dead!_ ” DJ’s breaths are becoming shallow, and I squeeze his hand as an attempt to let him know that I’m okay... That I’m right here...

“I tried shaking you... I tried screaming your name... I tried _everything!_ ”

In the midst of DJ’s crying, I can hear Nikki’s voice. Even though he’s appearing calm and collected, I know that he’s feeling pain... I know he is.

“It was your heart, James... Your potassium dropped to a severely critical level, and it caused an arrhythmia... That’s why you’re getting potassium intravenously right now...”

I can feel myself beginning to disconnect because this is so hard to have to process right now... My brain is trying to protect me from feeling this, but I’m resisting. I’m resisting so hard.

“If we hadn’t got you here in time, it could have have caused sudden cardiac death.”

A get a hollow feeling in my stomach after Nikki says that, and I can feel color draining from my face, even though there’s virtually no color left to drain.

I think the worst part of this whole thing is that I knew... I knew that this was bound to happen. I’m not an idiot... I knew exactly what I was doing, and I knew it was going to lead to this.... so... why is there still a part of me that is shocked?

Why is there still a part of me that doesn’t think I need to be here right now? Why is there still a part of me that doesn’t believe I deserve this help?

_Why?!_

I’m snapped out of my ruminating questions by DJ’s cries, as he continues to squeeze my hand. He’s leaning his face so close to my bed now, and the look of desperation on his face is heartbreaking. I want to crumble to the ground because of how much pain I’ve caused. I want to disappear because I’ve done such horrible things to everyone I love and care about. I want to let my brain taunt me because I fuckin’ deserve it right now.

“James... I know I can’t make you do anything... I know I can’t make you get help, because you have to want it... but...” I can see DJ trembling, as he attempts to take a deep breath in. Both of his hands are on mine now, and I can hear his internal pleads... He doesn’t even need to say anything for me to know... I know he’s begging.

He bites his lip hard, before he spits the rest of his pleading words out.

“Please... You gotta get help...”. He’s shaking his head. “You’re like my big brother... I... I can’t let you do this... I care about you too fuckin’ much...”

“I don’t know how I would live... if...”.

I don’t know what else DJ was gonna say, because he can’t finish. He can’t finish because all I hear are his hysterical, desperate, heartbroken sobs.

He didn’t finish the sentence, but I do know... I know _exactly_ what he was implying.

I can feel tears beginning to well in my own eyes, as I squeeze DJ’s hand extra hard. I close my eyes and allow a tear to fall down my face.

It feels like a punch in the gut... My heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest and everything is gushing out.

I don’t know what to say. I want to say something, but I can’t, so I let DJ cry onto my shoulder, as I let myself feel the guilt, and the shame, and the sadness.

The longer that I hear his cries, the more tears I feel running down my own face, and I finally build up the strength to say something, as I begin to wrap an arm around DJ’s shaking frame.

“I’m... I’m sorry...”

My eyes are squeezed shut, as I attempt to rub circles into DJ’s back. He’s soaking me with his tears, and his body is quivering.

“I’m so... _so_ sorry...”

I take a shaky breath in, as I lean my head closer to DJ, letting it rest on the crook of his neck, as I gently speak in his ear.

“I’m not going anywhere, DJ... okay?”

I carefully unravel myself from his grip, without getting any of the wires tangled, and subtly give him a signal to come lay on the bed with me.

“C’mere...”

The second that DJ begins to slowly make his way onto the bed, I wrap my IV free arm around him, letting him curl himself into a ball right next to me. Despite my lack of energy and physical weakness, I still use what I have to rub circles into his back, as I speak to him in a comforting tone.

“I got you, DJ...”

I can feel his grip on me tightening,

“I’m right here.”

As I’m using my strength to secure DJ in my grip, I carefully reach out my other arm to Nikki, trying to be as cautious as I can of the IV, so I don’t get it caught on anything. Moving my arm is making the burning sensation start up again, but I don’t care.

I don’t care, because this is way more important.

“I promise...”. I gulp, as I let my voice shake.

“I promise, I’m not leaving you guys...”


	36. Maybe It’s Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “James?” He reaches an arm out to me, and I know my whole body is shaking with fear. “You okay?”
> 
> I just stand there like a deer in headlights for a few seconds, until I’m able to get myself to take a shaky breath. As soon as I do, I can feel a tear dripping down my face, and Nikki squeezes my hand with a fatherly force.
> 
> I squeeze my eyes shut, and lick my lips, before I spit it out.
> 
> “I...”. My voice is shaking so badly right now, but I say it anyway. I don’t let it stop me.
> 
> I’m not letting the fear stop me this time.
> 
> “I surrender.”
> 
> Tears drip down my face, as I solidify my statement.
> 
> “I need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god guys... I'm so emotional!!! Only ONE more chapter and this story is finished!! I'M LITERALLY GONNA CRY, okay okay anyway...
> 
> TW: eating disorders, hospital shit, emotions ;)
> 
> PS: Listening to "Maybe It's Time" for the last part just ENHANCES THE EMOTIONS!!!

JAMES’ P.O.V:

Being in this hospital feels like _hell_.

Every damn day I’m told that I’ll be staying here another day... and then the next day comes, and the discharge date is pushed back again... and again... and again...

Honestly, I’ve been here for five days and I don’t even know how I’ve survived this long.

It’s because of my fuckin’ potassium.

For some reason, I’m woken up every morning by a nurse telling me that my levels dropped overnight, so they have to increase the number of IV bags. Then, of course, that also means that I have to continue to take the oral potassium... And this oral potassium isn’t just a nice flavorless potassium pill...

Ohhh no. It’s oral potassium in liquid form, and it has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted in my life. It’s a bright orange color, and the nurse always tells me that it’s better to mix it with water so it doesn’t irritate my stomach as much, and the taste will be less strong, but even then... it’s still horrid... and I’m gonna admit, I usually freak out when I’m told to dilute it with water because liquids still freak me the hell out... I would almost always rather just have the horrid, condensed, two ounce container of that shit than have to drink a twelve ounce glass of water with the stuff mixed in it... even if the flavor is less intense... even if my stomach won’t hurt as much from it...

Then, that’s a whole other story.

Every time I have to take the oral potassium, I end up having debilitating anxiety because I try to eat something so my stomach won’t be upset... Every goddamn time, I’m shaking, and I can’t breathe, and then when I finally get myself to swallow the food, I feel like I’m gonna choke because of my panic.

It’s all the same shit, every day. And it’s horrible. I don’t know how I haven’t mentally cracked yet... I feel like it’s coming though... it’s fuckin’ coming.

The worst part of being here is the torment I feel in my body... I haven’t felt this unsafe in my body before... and that’s saying something because it’s normal for me to not feel safe in it, but because I have no control over what’s happening to it by being here, that feeling is escalated by a terrifying amount.

I feel confined to this bed, because apparently I’m not stable enough to be able to walk around... That’s what the nurses keep telling me. They check my vital signs every 2 hours, and from a rational standpoint... I can understand why I shouldn’t be moving.

My blood pressure is so low... It was 80/something this morning, and that’s like... _dangerous._ My heart rate hasn’t improved... In fact, the dumb monitor still goes off every freakin’ half hour. It’s the same reason... When I lay down, it drops to the thirties. Even when it’s in the low forties the thing will go off... But honestly, by now I’ve kinda become accustomed to the noise so it almost doesn’t faze me anymore.

The noise of this hospital... All the beeping, and the screaming, and the crying, and the needles, and the fluids, and the medications... It’s all the same shit every day, and now I’m just used to it.

How fuckin’ _pathetic_ is that?

Who the hell _wants_ to be used to this shit?

Just because I’m used to it, that doesn’t mean that I’m okay with it. It doesn’t make any of this any easier.

It’s fuckin’ hard and I feel so uncomfortable and scared here... I’m really grateful that DJ and Nikki visit every day... I always want to tell them that they don’t need to, because they can be spending their time doing way more important things, than watching me sulk in my misery, but I also really appreciate them.

I appreciate their company so much. It helps take my mind off of things for a little bit.

~ ~ ~

_Two days later:_

DJ’s P.O.V:

Can I be honest?

I always get really nervous when I know visiting hours are over at the hospital and I need to leave James.

I feel a pit in my stomach, because I can’t even imagine how scary the whole thing must be for him. I see it whenever I visit him. I can tell he’s having a really hard time, and it hurts so badly. I always try to distract him by doing stupid things to make him laugh, like stealing gloves from the nurses’ station so I could blow them up to look like a turkey... Nikki always rolls his eyes at me, but I don’t care. I just want to see James smile... Even if it’s just for a second.

It’s hard because most of the time, it really isn’t for long, because being in a hospital just... sucks... and it hurts to see that.

It hurts, but not as much as watching him kill himself before he was admitted.

I keep trying to tell myself that at least he’s in a hospital right now, getting some kind of help... _Medical_ help... It’s still help though, and just remembering that puts me at ease for a little while.

But then... I keep being reminded of how much he’s damaged his body every time I see him. I see his pulse on the monitor, and it’s still so bad. I’ve even heard the monitor go off a few times while I’ve been there, and it makes me jump every time, because I get freaked out thinking that something bad is gonna happen... or that something is seriously wrong. Nikki always has to reassure me that the nurses are doing what they can to take care of him, physically, and that he’ll stay there as long as he needs to until he’s medically stable enough to leave.

I try to remain calm and remember that, but it’s still hard. Everything is still hard and I’m not sure if it’ll ever stop being hard.

Even though I know he’s in a safe place right now, I still catch myself having the same nightmares that I was having before this happened... The whole incident with me finding him... It just made them worse. Now, I can’t go a fuckin’ night without one, and I always end up on the phone with Nikki or in his room... I should be used to these by now but I’m scared to death every time, because I know this is fuckin’ real!

It’s real because it fuckin’ happened already!

I found him in that state. I found him almost dead, and my _god—_

If James comes out of the hospital and does that shit again... It could happen again!

This is a real fear of mine. There’s no part of me that feels like I’m overreacting this time, because it already fuckin’ happened once and it will happen again if he doesn’t stop.

I’m getting myself so riled up right now, but I can’t help it. I feel like my emotions are always on the high intensity end of the spectrum these days, so I’m almost used to it, but this still sucks so much.

I’m just really grateful that he’s getting help... But... it’s just a medical hospital. Are they helping him eat? I don’t know anything about treatment for this stuff, but I would think eating would be a significant part of it... I’m pretty sure he’s just getting medical help where he is now, but what about the other stuff? The deep stuff that Nikki always talks about?

Does he have to go somewhere else after the hospital? Like a treatment center? You know, for the therapy stuff?

 _Will_ he actually go if it’s suggested for him?

God, I have so many questions that I don’t know answers to.

I guess I just need to keep taking things one day at a time...

~ ~ ~

_Three days later_

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’ve been stuck here for ten days now... _TEN_ days.

I had no idea that it would take this long to get my potassium to normal levels... It’s been ten days and it _just_ entered the beginning of the normal range... _3.5_.

However, I was told that the doctor still wants to keep me here for a day or two longer, just to make sure it stays in the range and doesn’t drop overnight or something...

Now the days are just blurred together, because it’s a routine of the same crap... No need to even go into detail anymore at this point... It hasn’t gotten any easier, either.

I’m just crawling out of my skin at this point. I want to get out of here so fuckin’ badly, especially knowing that I’m so goddamn close now... I just want to get disconnected from all of this shit and be able to move freely, without being scared that I’m gonna pull something out, or choke on a random wire from my heart monitor!

I also miss getting some decent sleep, even though usually I don’t... But, being in the hospital just brought insomnia to a whole new level... I can’t wait until I’m not woken up every half hour for something... Whether it’s a blood draw, or a vital check, or a finger prick, or medication... It’s always _something_.

I’m just so.... _tired_.

~ ~ ~

_Two days later:_

“So, James, I have some good news for you!”

My doctor is all smiles, as she reviews paperwork.

“Your potassium has maintained its normal range for three full days now, and your EKG looks a _lot_ better.”

I can hear DJ let out a sigh of relief, and feel Nikki give me a squeeze on my shoulder.

“You meet all the criteria to be able to be discharged...”

I could feel my heart skip a beat because holy god... I have been waiting for this day—-

“Fuck yes....”

I can’t even hold in my relief and happiness, and I’m probably smiling like a total dork right now, but I really don’t care.

I’m just ready to get the _hell_ outta here!

I can already feel myself about to start making my way off of the bed, and I have such an intense urge to pull my IV out, but I feel Nikki pushing me back down.

“Woahh there!” He’s giving me an exasperated look, but let’s out a lighthearted laugh. “Not so fast...”

I suddenly feel a slightly uneasy sensation in my stomach as he says that. I raise my brows, and give him a playful expression.

“Yes?”

Nikki is just shaking his head now, and I see his smirk.

“She didn’t say you could leave right this second, James.”

There is a moment of silence that feels a bit uncomfortable, until the doctor calls a nurse into the room.

“You can unhook the heart monitor and remove the IV...”. She gives me a smile. “He’s scheduled to discharge at 2:00pm.”

I feel like a huge weight just got lifted off of my shoulders the second that I hear her say that. Within a second, the nurse is up in my face, removing the sticky electrodes from my chest, one by one.

I automatically tense up when I realize how sticky they actually are... _Fuck_.

“Sorry...”. I catch the nurse giving me an apologetic look. “I know they’re really sticky...”

“Just rip ‘em off!” I smile. “I can handle it.”

I can see DJ out from the corner of my eye. He looks so interested... I can help but let out a giggle.

“Is this enough entertainment for you, buddy?”

That receives a smirk from DJ, but he’s still continuing to watch with curious, childlike eyes.

“It’s kinda cool... I don’t know.”

I shake my head and playfully smirk, as I feel the nurse beginning to remove the tape on my arm near the IV.

“Let’s get this baby, out!”

I don’t need to look over to know that DJ’s eyes are locked on my arm. I think it’s so funny how he’s fascinated by this, but it’s DJ... He’s got that childlike spirit in him.

I hold my breath as I feel the needle getting pulled out. It’s a weird sensation. It feels like a huge pressure going through my arm... I can’t even explain it.

I don’t even look down, because I’m not sure if I even want to see how much of a bruise that thing left on me.

“Alrighty!” The nurse smiles, as she wraps gauze around my inner elbow crease. “Just gotta hang tight for another half hour or so, until everything is finalized, and you’ll be off!”

I give a gracious smile, and thank her as she leaves the room. It takes me a moment to realize that my doctor is still in here, until I hear her gently clear her throat.

“Is it okay if I speak to James privately for a minute?”

I can feel my stomach drop as she says that, and I can feel a bit of anxiety bubbling up inside of me, but I’m trying not to show that. I force a smile.

DJ and Nikki exchange quick glances, before nodding their heads, as they make their way to the hallway.

There’s silence for a moment that’s making me feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin, so I break it to try to ease my own tension.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

The doctor moves over to the side of my bed, and sits down in the chair that DJ was just in, as she begins speaking in a serious, yet comforting tone.

“Do you have any aftercare plans for when you leave here?”

I just look at her, because I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that question. I furrow my brows in slight confusion.

“Aftercare plans?”

“Further treatment? Have you thought about seeing a therapist or—“

I crack a smile to try to alleviate the stiffness in my shoulders, when all I feel is a gnawing sensation in my stomach.

“I... I mean, honestly?” I shrug my shoulders. “That didn’t come to mind...”

“James, you know what you have is very serious, right? Eating disorders require extensive treatment... Not just a medical stay for a few days in the hospital...”

The motherly look that the doctor is shooting at me right now is making me feel so uncomfortable.

“I strongly recommend that you look into either inpatient or residential treatment facilities—“

I automatically cut her out by letting out a light laugh, that I really hope doesn’t sound forced.

“I think I’ll be okay...”

I mean.... I think I’ll be fine, if I could just continue to not binge and purge, like I did here... I should be fine, _right?_

That shouldn’t be hard to do on my own...

There’s no need for further treatment... If I was able to break the cycle by being here for a little over a week, I should be okay!

How hard can it be?

~ ~ ~

_One hour later:_

The second that I unlock the door to my hotel room, I feel a huge wave of exhaustion hit me.

Being in the fuckin’ hospital drained the crap outta me... Even though my body is in much better physical condition than when I went in, it doesn’t feel like it. In fact, I almost feel worse.

My whole body feels heavy... I don’t know if it’s because of all of the IV fluids that I had pumped into me... I don’t know if it’s because now those fluids are just stuck inside of my tissues and my body is holding onto them for dear life, afraid that I’m gonna somehow dehydrate it again. I don’t know if it’s because I was just laying down in that hospital bed for days on end, hardly moving, so my body can’t handle moving...

I have no idea what it’s from, but all I know is that all I want to do is lay back down. I don’t want to do anything right now... I have no energy. My body still feels incredibly weak, and the muscles in my legs haven’t been used in a few days... They’ve probably atrophied from what I’ve done to my body, but being in the hospital might have made it worse.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let out a long exhale, as I drag my tired body into the room. I slowly shut the door, which feels extra heavy for some reason, but I don’t really think much of it at this point.

I feel like an eighty year old, but I honestly think anyone would be exhausted after spending almost a week in the hospital.

You might not think this, but it was physically and emotionally draining. Even though all I did was lay there while nurses came to check my blood, or replenish my IV bags, or check my vital signs... The hospital environment is enough to exhaust anyone.

The constant beeping of machines, and yelling from nurses, and hearing screaming patients from other rooms down the hall, and drinking disgusting oral potassium every four hours... It feels like so much... It felt like over-stimulation, and now I think I’m crashing from it.

Let’s also not forget the debilitating anxiety that the whole thing brought me... Being forced to do the opposite of everything that my brain was telling me to do... Being forced to have to resist all of the self-destructive urges that I have become so used to engaging in day in and day out... And... of course... Being face to face with food...

The combination of all three of those things... That would make anyone in my situation feel like they’re gonna die...

Being back in this room feels eerie... I think just knowing that this is the last place I was before I ended up in the hospital is making me feel all sorts of ways... Especially because I know what happened to send me there in the first place...

I’m in the same room where DJ found me unconscious, on the verge of death... Honestly... this room just feels _haunted._

As much as I want to just lay down and relax right now... I also feel really disgusting and just want to take a quick shower... despite feeling incredibly weak... I’ll just feel better if I know I’m clean... I just wanna clean off all of that hospital gunk... Clean off the memories... Clean off the scent of antiseptics...

I slowly make my way to the bathroom in the corner... The fuckin’ bathroom... The exact place that the whole shit show took place... I automatically feel a chill run up my spine, and I visibly shiver.

I turn on the light, and I immediately cringe as I see my reflection in the mirror.

I look like I’ve been run over by a truck.

I’m wearing a big sweatshirt right now, because I’m freezing, so all I can see is my face, but that’s enough... That’s enough to trigger an intense reaction.

Despite being in the hospital, I don’t look much better... I’ve never seen my dark circles look this prominent in my life, and that’s saying something because I’ve always had problems with sleep... The bags under my eyes look so heavy, and the tone of my skin is just.... off. It doesn’t have the weird, yellowish, translucent tint to it any-more, but it’s still just... white. The color being drained from it makes me look like I got my whole life sucked out of me... It makes me look like a fuckin’ _ghost_.

I let out a long yawn, as my exhaustion hits me harder, and I begin to take off the sweatshirt, trying to be gentle, because my arms still hurt really bad from the IV that I had. In fact, it left a huge dark bruise on my left arm... I’m staring at it right now... I can see it, even in the midst of all of my tattoos... That’s how dark the bruise is. It stands out, and it’s a horrible mixture of yellow, purple, and grayish tints.

What’s even freakier is that I can see that without even taking the gauze off of my arm. That means the bruise must be so big that it traveled down my arm, and part of me isn’t sure if I want to remove the bandage and see what the actual thing looks like...

I also know I probably should if I’m about to get wet in the shower... So, I do.

I honestly feel nauseous just looking at my arm right now... That’s all I’m gonna say.

I can hardly move it because of how much it hurts. I know the potassium has stopped a long time ago, but the sensation of it running through my veins is still so vivid that it almost feels like it’s still happening. It might be from the soreness that I’m feeling, or maybe just because of how horrible the damn bruise looks... but... _god_ , I never want to have to go through that again.

It feels like it’s taking me forever to do everything... It’s taking me way longer than usual to undress and just step in the shower... Everything feels like it’s happening in slow motion... Everything is blurred together. The only thing that feels sharp and distinct right now is the pain in my body... the pain in my arm.

I don’t know if I have the energy to be able to stand up to shower, but I’ll try. The second I turn the water on, it comes out cold and I shudder. My body can’t handle the cold and it’s so pathetic, but I’ve hurt it so much that it forgot how to regulate my temperature... So... hot water it is.

After a few seconds of standing up, letting the water run through my body, my legs feel like jelly, so I slowly sit myself down. Honestly, I would lay here, but that’s just not a good idea... I’m so exhausted and feel like I could fall asleep right here, but... I’m not sure if I would be able to, because I can feel my mind start to go in circles....

Being undressed is making me feel exposed right now, especially because I was in the hospital... I would always wear layers of clothes because I didn’t feel safe seeing my body, and also because I couldn’t handle cold temperatures, but now... Everything feels exposed. I feel out in the open, like an onion who got its layers removed... I feel like the flesh that’s hidden underneath everything.

I usually would feel like this, but this is worse right now... This is worse because I’m feeling very aware of physical changes... I don’t know if they’re even real or not... Part of me is asking how they even could be... But the fucked up part of me is convinced that my whole body changed and got contorted, and that I’m unrecognizable.

I’m not even in front of a mirror. I’m in the shower, but I don’t have to _see_ it, to _feel_ it.

I _feel_ those fluids stuck in my tissues. I feel the way that they’re sticking to me and weighing my body down. I feel it in my face, and my abdomen, and my legs, and my hands.

I can see it too... My fingers, although bruised up, and bony, look swelled. It feels like it takes more of an effort to bend my fingers because they’re holding onto liquid.

I can feel it in my face, because although it’s still gaunt, it’s swelled at the same time. My cheeks feel puffy, and my eyelids feel heavy... Like I just woke up.

I’m trying to avoid looking at my abdomen because I know I’m going to feel absolutely tormented if I do, but I can’t help it. I can’t help it because now my head is spinning fast. It’s spinning fast and I can feel panic beginning to bubble up inside of me...

Those dysmorphic feelings and sensations that I’ve had in the past... The ones that I’ve had in the middle of binge and purge episodes, or intense workouts, or even just... out of nowhere... The ones that make me feel like I need to pull my body apart and rip the skin off... Yeah... I’m feeling that.

I’m feeling it really _bad._

The worst parts of these episodes are that I know the more I analyze myself, the more tormented I’ll feel. I know that my brain latches onto me with every body checking compulsion I engage in, and it’ll shoot the obsessions at me, but... I can’t help it.

Even when I’m this physically weak, and exhausted, and feel like my energy has been zapped away... My mind will still go in circles.

It doesn’t ever _stop_.

I realize that I’m not gonna be able to finish washing myself because of where my head is at right now, so I quickly shut the water off, wrap my body in a towel, and get out of the shower.

Unfortunately it’s almost impossible to avoid the mirror now, being in the bathroom, and I just....

I feel like I’m walking through a funhouse and I’m seeing myself through one of the mirrors inside. I don’t even know if I should trust what I see right now, but I also don’t know how I shouldn’t. How can my eyes be broken? There’s no way that what I’m seeing isn’t real... There’s no way... There’s no way....

I hear my rational voice telling me that whatever I’m seeing isn’t fully accurate.

I hear my fucked up voice saying that’s complete bullshit.

Rationally I know... I know that I couldn’t have actually gained _real_ weight... I hardly ate anything in that hospital. It was the IV fluids that added weight on, but that’s just water... It’s only water... It’s not _real_.

And here’s the issue. I know it’s only water, but the sensation of taking up space is traumatizing to me, no matter what it’s from. It’s not the damn number that bothers me... I don’t even know how much I fuckin’ weigh and honestly I can care less. It’s not that. It’s what I see, and it’s what I feel.

That’s what I base the changes of my body off of... My own perception of my reflection.

I quickly change back into another sweatshirt, with layers under it, to keep my head from tormenting me any more than I can handle right now... I automatically feel a sense of relief, but it doesn’t take away the fact that I know my body is bigger... even if it’s just from _water_.

~ ~ ~

_Four hours later:_

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I just opened my eyes and found myself in my bed... I don’t know when or how I was able to drift off, considering the mental torment I was experiencing, but I did...

I guess my body’s physical exhaustion actually overpowered anything that my head was attempting to do at that point.

Despite sleeping, I’m still exhausted. I’m huddled underneath so many blankets right now, and I don’t want to move. I feel so much safer covering myself up and hiding away from everything.

Maybe the emotions I felt a few hours ago just drained me so much and now I’m crashing from them... Maybe my brain started to disconnect and dissociate so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain... Maybe it was attempting to numb me out in a different way...

I don’t know what time it is, or how long I slept for, but I think maybe if I got up and stretched, I might feel a little more like a functional human... if you know what I mean...

The second that I do, I can feel multiple bones crack in my body, and I let out a groan, because _fuck_... That hurts.

That’s when I realize that I really don’t want to do anything but lay down right now... So, I might as well listen to my body for once in my life, right?

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

“What do you think the doctor wanted to talk to James about earlier?”

I can’t help but let out my curiosity to Nikki, who looks exhausted right now. I’ve never seen him like this before, but I know that this whole thing has taken a huge toll on him, just like it has with me... He just tries not to show it because I know he’s trying to keep it together for us...

I put my arm around his shoulder, as he begins to answer.

“Honestly... She probably wanted to discuss further treatment with him...”. He bites his lip. “You know... Specialized treatment facilities.”

“Do you think he accepted it?” I can feel my stomach starting to twist and turn with uneasy anxiety. “Do... Do you think he said yes?”

Part of me isn’t sure if I want to hear the answer to this question, because I have a feeling I know what the answer is... and it’s definitely not the one that I want to hear.

There’s an uncomfortably long period of silence, until Nikki let’s out a sigh, as he begins scratching his neck.

I don’t even let him speak, because the words blurt out of my mouth before he can.

“He said no, didn’t he?”

I can feel tears welling in my eyes, but I’m trying so hard to keep it together right now.

“He fuckin’ said no...”. I’m beginning to bite my lip to try to stop my trembling, but now I just taste blood in my mouth, so I give up.

“I don’t know if he said yes or no, DJ.” Nikki is shaking his head. “He didn’t say anything to me, or to you... I didn’t ask him...”

“He definitely said no.”

I’m not holding back anymore. My body is so tense, but I know that he didn’t say yes. I know he didn’t, and I feel like I’m just about to crumble right now.

“We can’t make him do an——“

“I know we can’t make him do anything, Nikki...”. I’m upset, but I’m also feeling so much frustration right now, and part of me is wondering if that’s my brain’s way of trying to protect me from feeling scared and upset. “But, if he fuckin’ said no after he ended up in the hospital....”. I can feel my jaw clenching.

“He almost died and he’s still not gonna get help...”. I’m shaking my head, and feel the tears beginning to drip down my face.

“I... I can’t deal with this right now.”

I don’t know if Nikki answered me, because I left his room before I could hear him.

I left and now I’m just on my bed... _crying_.

What the _fuck_ else is new?

~ ~ ~

_Three hours later:_

_‘All the scars, all the lines_   
_On my face, they show the times_   
_I’ve abandoned my own life...’_

The very second that I realize what I just did... It... It hits me.

I’ve just been laying around all day, and I think I just don’t know how to handle sitting with my feelings... I couldn’t do it... I couldn’t do it, and somehow I ended up in here.... It happened fast... and everything felt like a blur up until this point.

Right now... everything feels vivid.

_‘I can’t breathe, I can’t eat_   
_So I just drink myself to sleep_   
_And embrace this morbid pride...’_

I can’t even fully explain what I’m feeling right now. I feel like everything just froze, and there’s a sick, hollow feeling in my stomach...

I can’t even move. My eyes are locked on my reflection in the mirror, and I can feel tears of shame welling in my eyes... My whole body is feeling weighed down... although right now it’s empty... It’s the shame. It’s my emotions. They’re bubbling inside and they’re eating at me.

I feel too full of emotions, yet I feel hollow... I feel empty. I feel like I’ve disappeared.

This is _not_ the person I thought I was.

This is _not_ the person who I strived to be all of these years.

This is _not_ me.

I have no idea where the real me went, but he’s not here right now.

I’m... I’m fuckin’...

I’m _sick_.

I feel a chill run through my whole body, an uncomfortable, and uneasy tingling sensation... The kind of sensation that you get when you’re watching a horror movie and you know something bad is about to happen. It’s like a dreadful kind of sensation, but the thing is that... The dread already came for me.

This is the aftermath now.

This is the sensation of a horrible reality getting pushed into my face... A reality that I’ve been trying to avoid and run away from for god knows how long.

A truth that I never wanted to accept fully. It’s a truth that I would disconnect from, and ignore...

But, this is it... I’m facing this now.

I can’t run away from this any-more.

_‘But maybe it's time to heal, maybe it's time to try_   
_Maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life’_   
_Maybe I'll sober up, maybe before I die_   
_Maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life’_

The fact that things have come to this point... I can feel myself shaking right now.

I was just in the hospital because of this... I was rushed to the hospital because my heart almost gave up on me... I damaged my body to the point where it almost completely shut down, and it was caused by these exact behaviors.

I binged and purged... I purged so hard that my potassium plummeted... I purged so violently that my muscles stopped contracting, and I lost consciousness....

I lost consciousness and DJ found me... He fuckin’ found me, barely alive, on the titled floor...

_‘I'm older now, I'm breaking down_   
_My regrets they turn to dust_   
_And soon enough they'll blow away’_

Everything is hitting me right now.

This reality is smacking me in the face, and it should have hit me sooner.

It should have hit me _way_ sooner.

_‘When I was young, I was dumb_   
_I was never strong enough_   
_I wish I had the guts to say...’_

I have people who care about me, who love me to death, and I’ve just tried to push that away for the longest time because it felt uncomfortable...

Now, I’m not. I’m not pushing it away. I’m letting myself feel this, and my heart feels like it’s cracking.

DJ thought I was dead, and he was pleading with God and the world and the universe—- He’s been pleading with me...

I’ve been hurting these people who love me... I’ve instilled so much fear in both Nikki and DJ... I... I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep doing this.

I _need_ to stop.

_‘Maybe it's time to heal, maybe it's time to try_   
_Maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life_   
_Maybe I'll sober up, maybe before I die_   
_Maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life’_

I can’t keep scaring people. I can’t keep hurting everyone I love. I can’t keep hurting _myself_.

I don’t have these moments of clarity often, but right now I’m having one. Right now, I know that I have a life to live, and life has to be more than this shit that I’ve put myself through... That I’ve put other people through...

I’ve been inflicting pain on myself when I didn’t do anything wrong... I’ve been punishing my body, when all it’s been trying to do is keep me alive through all of this. I’ve continued to abuse it, and misuse it, and hurt it, and attempt to escape it... break it down... _kill_ it... all because I couldn’t handle having to face things. I couldn’t handle facing my emotions head on... Breaking myself down and inflicting pain on myself was easier... It was easier to let this disease control me, and slowly kill me, than have to deal with all of the broken pieces in my life... So, I continued to hurt myself... hoping that one day, it would be enough to kill me... and all of the pain that I was experiencing would finally end...

And while doing this, I haven’t only hurt myself... I’ve hurt other people...

I’ve lied, and I’ve manipulated. I’ve made excuses and avoided things that could have helped me, because I didn’t think I deserved it. I played the great game of self-sabotage, and all it did was fire back at me. I pushed everyone away because I didn’t think I deserved their help... I didn’t want them to keep trying because I felt horrible for hurting them so bad... when, ironically, I was continuing to hurt them by continuing to hurt myself.

_‘And this was self-inflicted_   
_Yeah I was on a mission_   
_To ruin everything in life.’_

I’m standing here and I feel like I might actually cry. I’m letting the reality sink in, and the reality isn’t easy to process.

The reality is that I could have died from this, but I _didn’t_. I shouldn’t even be alive right now, but I am.

I’m alive, but I just engaged in the same, exact behaviors that almost sent me to my demise.

And... I’m _scared_.

I’m genuinely terrified right now, because now it has hit me... This is... This is _sick_.

I... can’t.... stop....

Even after almost dying, and ending up in the hospital because my body couldn’t handle the abuse any-more... It happened.

I _can’t_ stop.

I _need_ to stop.

When I was in the hospital, further treatment was suggested to me by the doctors. They brought up inpatient treatment... They mentioned residential, longer-term specialized “eating disorder” treatment facilities... They strongly recommended it, and I never gave them a straight answer about it... I didn’t, because I was still holding onto a part of this... I was scared... I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t tell them that... I just avoided the topic completely...

But now... I realize... I _need_ to go...

I _need_ to get help.

Something has to change... Something has to change _now,_ or else this is gonna be the end.

It’s terrifying me to the core to even come to the conclusion... To even fathom accepting help.. But...

I _can’t_ go on like this any-more.

I _can’t_ continue living this way.

I _can’t_ continue this cycle.

I _can’t_ let my soul evaporate, and then leave Nikki and DJ like this.

I _can’t_ leave everyone behind who loves me... I can’t leave my _own_ life behind... a life that I _know_ I still am not finished living.

_‘But now I'm so damn ready_   
_Just take my hand and steady_   
_And we will make it through the night.’_

There’s so much more to life than this... I don’t know what exactly, but I know there has to be more than this.

It has to be more than inflicting pain on myself and tormenting myself to the point of begging God to kill me.

It has to be more than purging outside in the fuckin’ vent in the ground at nine at night because I couldn’t handle the anxiety of waiting a few more minutes to go back to the hotel.

It has to be more than not being able to get myself to take a sip of water because of the paralyzing fear of taking up space in the world, that I don’t feel like I deserve.

It has to be _way_ more, and there’s only one way that I’m gonna find out what that is.

I _need_ help.

I need to face everything that I’ve been avoiding.

I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and to let myself feel all of these terrifying emotions that I’ve been running from.

I have to accept that I have people who love me, and I have to come to terms with the things in my life that I have no control over.

I need to work through my own shit, and peel off all of my layers, down to my core.

I need to let myself be exposed.

I need to surrender and set myself _free_ from this cage that I’ve trapped myself in.

I close my eyes, take a shaky breath in, as I let a tear fall down my face, and let out an exhale, before I begin walking out of the bathroom.

I can feel my whole body shaking right now... I’m feeling so many uncomfortable emotions that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a long time... I feel vulnerable, but I know that this is what I need to do.

I _need_ to do this.

With a trembling hand, I grip the doorknob on my door, and slowly open it, letting myself into the hallway. I stand outside and allow myself to take a few seconds to steady my breathing, before I make my way to Nikki’s room.

I’m right in front of the door, and my heart feels like it’s about to pop out of my chest... I’m already beginning to ask myself if I’m ready to do this... I can hear my brain screaming at me that I’m not ready to do this. _I’m not ready to do this!_

_I’m not ready to do this!_

But... for once, my rational side overpowers that.

I can hear my soul self speaking. It’s passionate and strong willed. That part is convincing.

_‘James... This is your time.’_

_‘It’s time to set yourself free.’_

_‘Fall to your knees and ask for help.’_

_‘It’s time to surrender.’_

It’s that last statement from my true self, deep within, that helps me build up the courage to knock on the door.

I can feel any color that I have left in my face get sucked away, and my stomach drops.

Within two seconds, the door begins to open slowly, and I see Nikki. He’s giving me a genuine look of concern, and for a second I begin to wonder why, but then I realize that it’s really late, and most people would be asleep right now.

“James?” He reaches an arm out to me, and I know my whole body is shaking with fear. “You okay?”

I just stand there like a deer in headlights for a few seconds, until I’m able to get myself to take a shaky breath. As soon as I do, I can feel a tear dripping down my face, and Nikki squeezes my hand with a fatherly force.

I squeeze my eyes shut, and lick my lips, before I spit it out.

“I...”. My voice is shaking so badly right now, but I say it anyway. I don’t let it stop me.

I’m not letting the fear stop me this time.

“I _surrender_.”

Tears drip down my face, as I solidify my statement.

“I need _help._ ”

~ ~ ~

_‘Maybe it's time to heal, maybe it's time to try_   
_Maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life_   
_Maybe I'll sober up, maybe before I die_   
_Maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life’_


	37. Permission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the moment that I take a breath, look up at the sky above me, and exhale that I know... I can feel my higher power’s presence, and I know that I’ll be okay.
> 
> Its gonna be a long road ahead, but I know the day will come when I’ll finally be able to say:
> 
> ‘I’m free.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE MADE IT TO THE END!!! I have so much to say right now... I can't believe we made it here... I'm feeling so emotional right now because I had no idea how much of an impact this story was gonna make on people... I am so grateful that I was able to help others understand eating disorders better... i am so grateful for all of your support through this wild ride... I know it got super heavy at times, but you guys stuck with it... you continued to stick with it even when things got raw and incredibly dark, and disturbing... I just can't thank you enough, and I don't know how to fully express my gratitude and appreciation for all of you that supported me through this.
> 
> ALSO --- If any of you are interested... i AM going to write a sequel... it will be revolved around the RECOVERY process. I don't know when it'll be put up or started, but look out for it if you would wanna read that! <3

JAMES’ P.O.V:

“I... I can’t do this anymore.”

I can still feel my lips quivering as I speak. My heart is beating out of my chest, and I feel Nikki let go of my hand, as he reaches his arms out to me to wrap them around my shaking frame.

My body feels tense in his grip, but I allow myself to melt into the embrace, as Nikki slowly leads me into his room.

“C’mere...”. His voice is soothing, and I let out a strained whimper, as he squeezes me tighter.

The second that I hear the door of Nikki’s room shut, and I realize it’s just the two of us in here, I squeeze my eyes shut and let the tears fall freely.

There’s so much that I want to say, but I can’t get myself to say them... I can’t form sentences right now, because the fear and pain I’m feeling is so powerful... I just allow myself to let it out.

For once in my life, I’m releasing what I’ve kept inside.

For once, I’m not running away from this.

As I’m crying, I can feel Nikki rub circles into my back. I’m shaking from my cries, but I feel secure being in his grip, and I feel safe... I feel safe, so I’m not holding back.

“Take as much time as you need, James...”. I can hear Nikki’s voice in the midst of my cries, and it feels soothing. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

I slowly lift my head up to let my tear drenched eyes meet Nikki’s. It takes me a few moments to build up the strength to open my mouth... but when I do...

“It.... It happened.”

I can feel my whole body going cold, and there’s a gnawing sensation in my stomach, as I say that. I want to run away from the truth, but I refuse to.

I don’t care how uncomfortable this feels right now. I need to do this.

I _need_ to.

“I did it...”. My throat feels like it might close because of how painful it feels to admit this, but I keep going. “I did it again... even after being in the _fuckin’_ hospital....”

I can hardly finish my sentence, because the tears start falling again, but this time they feel filled with frustration... anger... _shame_.

“I don’t know what’s _wrong_ with me.....”. My jaw is clenching, but I’m crying at the same time. I feel angry at myself, but I also feel helpless. I feel helpless because I don’t know how things got to this point. I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t know how to stop.

“It’s _not_ you...”. I can hear Nikki’s clear headed voice cut through my emotional tornado. “It’s your addiction....”.

The second he says that word, I crumble down. I let my body fall onto the floor, near Nikki’s bed. I can feel Nikki squeezing my shoulder, as he takes out his phone.

“I’m gonna get DJ, okay?”

That makes me cry even harder, but deep down, I need him here. I want him here. I need him to know that I want help... I need him to know that I want to change...

It only takes a few seconds for DJ to join the two of us. I’m still curled up on the floor, but I have my head lifted up enough for me to see his face. I can’t even explain what I’m feeling right now.

He looks like he’s been crying... His eyes are bloodshot, and he looks exhausted. His eyes are darting back and forth from me to Nikki. He looks like a fuckin’ _wreck_.

“Whats going on?”

I can almost feel the pit in DJ’s stomach just by hearing him speak. He seems so shaken up, like he’s expecting something horrible to happen. It’s just making my heart feel shattered even more, and all of the shame that I’ve been feeling just got heavier.

I can hear Nikki take a breath, as he turns his head to face me, and squeezes my hand, giving me a signal to talk when I’m ready.

I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, so I force myself to be vulnerable.

It’s hard to look at DJ in the eyes, but I do. I do even if it feels like it’ll kill me... Even if it feels like it’s too much.

“I need help.”

My voice is shaking, and I feel nauseous, and I feel cold, and I feel—-

“This has to end... I can’t do it any-more....”

Now, those pesky tears are falling down my face again, because I’m remembering everything that made me come to this realization in the first place... _Everything_.

I can see DJ’s face through my tears. Even though he hasn’t said anything, I can almost feel a wave of relief wash over him, and I can see a tear dripping down his face.

“I... I’m sorry....”

I don’t hesitate before I move my trembling body over to DJ, and wrap my arms around him, in tears.

“I’m so, _so,_ sorry....”

I can feel DJ’s body shaking along with mine, as he puts his head on my shoulder. I continue letting everything out. I can’t hold this in anymore. Now is the time to do this.

“I’m sorry that you had to find me like that.....”. The pain of the reality is eating at me, and I feel like I can’t breathe, but I’m forcing myself to do this. “I’m sorry that I did this to you... I’m sorry for scaring you both.... You didn’t deserve this shit—-“

“James...”. I suddenly hear DJ’s voice from my shoulder, and he pops his head back up. His face is wet from the tears, and his eyes are wide. “You’re _sick_... This isn’t your fault...”

“I... I never wanted to hurt you...”. I close my eyes and let my armor peel off with every word that I say. “I... I was hurting myself...”

“I was hurting myself...”. I breathe in, and let out a shaky exhale. “I couldn’t handle my emotions.... I tried to run away... I tried to avoid.... I tried to disconnect....”.

“I was hurting myself because I couldn’t deal with the shame.... I pushed you away because I didn’t think I deserved help.... I didn’t think I deserved it because of how much I hurt you two...”

As I’m speaking, I feel a huge chill shoot though my body, because I’ve never been this vulnerable in my life. I’m sitting here, crying, letting all of these secrets out... I’m forcing myself to be exposed, and to reveal this toxic negativity that I’ve been hiding deep inside of me for so long... I’m letting it out.

I’m letting it out, and it feels so scary.

It feels scary, but it also feels... _cathartic_.

“I...”. I squeeze my eyes shut, because this is gonna be painful to admit to DJ... I’m about to admit what just happened before I came to my realization...

“I can’t do it any-more... I _need_ to stop.”

I feel like an onion who’s getting peeled down to its core right now. I feel like I’m gonna get sick.

“I fuckin’ did it again.... I just got out of the hospital, and it happened....”

I can hear DJ let out a strained whimper, and I squeeze him tighter. I just want to remind him that I’m here. I’m right next to him, and I’m not gonna leave.

I’m not gonna scare him any-more.

“And.... It was that moment... The moment that I realized what had just happened, that I remembered _everything_.”

I loosen my grip on DJ, and lift his head up so he can see me. I reach my other arm out to Nikki, so I’m stuck in the middle of him and DJ. I wrap my arms around both of them, as I solidify my epiphany.

“I thought about what you told me... How you found me.... and how you thought I was dead...”. I squeeze DJ’s hand. “And I thought to myself... I shouldn’t even be alive right now, but I am... I’m alive, but I just engaged in the same behaviors that almost killed me...”. I bite my lip to try to keep it from trembling, as I feel DJ’s arms wrapping around me again.

“And I finally said... That’s it. This has to end... _Now_... because, if something doesn’t change, this time it will be the end... My body isn’t gonna take it... It’s protected me this whole time, while I continuously abused it.... It didn’t do anything wrong...”

“It didn’t do anything wrong, but I felt like I did something wrong.... I still feel like a horrible person because of what I’ve done to you guys.... I don’t think I deserve help. I’m not sure if I deserve it but....”. My stomach feels hollow, because this is it. This is me surrendering.

“I’m not sure if I deserve it, but I can’t do it anymore.”

“I need help. I want help, but I don’t know how to get it, and I’m fuckin’ _scared_.”

My voice cracks at the last word, and I immediately let myself break down. I’m not stopping the tears. I’m not hiding. I’m just letting it happen.

I can feel Nikki and DJ holding me tight in their grips, and for the first time, I don’t resist. I’m letting myself feel the comfort they’re giving me. I’m allowing myself to welcome in nurture, and love, and care.... I’m letting myself be taken care of.

I’m doing the opposite of what I’ve been used to doing, and it’s terrifying.

“ _You_ didn’t do anything wrong.”

Nikki’s voice cuts through my tornado of emotions, as I feel him rubbing circles into my back once again.

“Admitting that you need help is scary, but it’s the only way that you can get better....”

“I.... I know...”

It’s hard to choke out words while you’re crying, but I need Nikki to know that I’m serious about this.

“You can’t fix a problem if there isn’t one, and you just did the first step, James.”

I lift my head up to face him, even though I’m soaked with tears.

“Do you admit that you feel powerless over your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable?”

My body feels cold as I nod my head, slowly. I’m shaking.

“Yes...”.

I nod my head with more power, as I squeeze my eyes shut.

“Please.... I don’t know how to help myself.... Help me help myself....”

I almost feel like I’m pleading. I’m terrified but I’m pleading, because I feel so desperate.

“I don’t know how... but I don’t want this any-more....”

I can see Nikki and DJ exchange glances, before looking back at me.

“We’re gonna help you....”. Nikki is nodding his head, as DJ squeezes my hand. “Were gonna help you get help...”

~ ~ ~

_‘I apologize_   
_That your memory serves you more than I can now_   
_You'll have to make sense of my life somehow_   
_Yeah, somehow_   
_Well, I close my eyes_   
_Remove each piece of armor one by one_   
_Inhale this moment deep into my lungs_   
_Make amends for all I've done’_

~ ~ ~

DJ’s P.O.V:

I’m feeling so much right now... I don’t even know where to start.

I’m crying. I’m crying but they’re not sad tears... They’re bittersweet ones. They’re tears of _relief_.

I’m crying because it happened... It finally happened.

James is asking for help.

He admitted that he needs help, and he wants it... I feel like I shouldn’t be reacting this way, but you have no idea how much of a weight feels like its been lifted off of me.

Every single day I’ve been pleading. Despite Nikki telling me all the time that pleading won’t do anything unless James wanted the help himself, I still would plead. I would pray and beg God to make James get help. I would plead with him because I already almost watched him die.

I thought he refused the help at the hospital... I really did, and I broke down. I ran to my own room and cried hysterically for what seemed like hours... I know I didn’t end up falling asleep.

It was the moment when Nikki called me and told me to come to his room... I felt uneasy because I didn’t know if I should expect something bad. I’m so used to expecting terrible things to happen these days, so of course that was my first instinct. I was hesitant, and scared to go in, but I did...

And now I can say... thank _god_ I did.

At first, I didn’t know why I was called in. I walked in and just saw James curled up on the floor, crying with Nikki rubbing his back. I felt anxious and extremely uneasy. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was going on.

It was the very moment that James started speaking that I knew... I knew this was it.

It felt like a pile of bricks got lifted off of me when I heard him say that he needed help. I just sat there at first, frozen, because I couldn’t believe that he said that. It didn’t feel real, and I was scared that it wasn’t real. I was scared that this was a dream that I would wake up from... only to find out it wasn’t real.

But, then he kept talking... He went on and explained his realization.... He _apologized_....

That’s when I broke down. I started crying, but like I said, it wasn’t heartbroken sobs. This was a different kind of crying.

I was crying tears of relief.

I was crying tears of relief because I knew that if this was true, I was gonna get my friend back...

I don’t know what time it is now, but it’s gotta be around 1 or 2 in the morning. I haven’t left Nikki’s room. In fact, we’re all still in here. Nikki is asleep, but I’m not. Neither is James, but I wouldn’t have expected him to be.

I wanted to stay here with him... James asked Nikki if he could stay because he said he couldn’t trust himself to be alone... He said he was scared that he might end up doing something again... You know... Purging...

My heart breaks as I remember this, but it’s the reality of his disease. I know it’s not his fault. He needs so much help, and right now, he can’t control it at all... It consumed him way too much, and even though he wants help so bad, right now, he can’t help himself.

That’s why I’m here with him... I just want to remind him that I’m always here for him... Just like he reminds me that he’s always here for me.

“I’m.... I’m so scared, DJ...”.

I’m rubbing James’s back, and we probably look ridiculous right now, sitting on the floor hugging each other... But you know what? _Fuck it._

I sigh, and look at him.

“I know James...”. I squeeze his hand. “I know... But you know what? You’re gonna be okay, man.”

I can feel tears welling in my eyes as I say that, because I really hope he will. I hope he’ll be okay. I hope that even though recovery is gonna be fuckin’ hard, that he’ll fight through it and be okay.

I can feel James lean his head on my shoulder, and I begin to rub his hair, as I continue speaking, my voice laced with emotion.

“You asked for help... This is huge.”

“I know....”

There is a period of silence, and all I can hear are the sounds of James’s breathing until...

“Can I confess something?”

I slowly move my head to face James, as he lifts his head off of my shoulder so he can look at me. I can tell he feels really uneasy, and I automatically feel a pit in my stomach.

“Of course, man...”. I squeeze his hand. “You can tell me anything.”

James takes a huge breath in, and I can hear his voice shake as he speaks.

“I’m... I’m scared to go to sleep right now.”

I can tell that it was hard for him to say that, because there are tiny tears welling in his eyes right now. I can tell he’s exhausted, but whatever it is that’s keeping him awake must be... _distressing_.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

I have my hands on his shoulders, and I can see a tiny tear drip down his face as he closes his eyes.

“I... I don’t know what state my body is in right now...”

My stomach immediately turns as he finishes that sentence, because I know what he means... I know _exactly_ what he’s talking about.

“I just got out of the hospital.... and I purged again...”. He breaths in again, but it sounds shaky this time. “Did my potassium drop... Are my electrolytes okay?”

“I feel like hell, DJ...”. He’s shaking his head. “I’m exhausted... I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck... and my whole body fuckin’ hurts right now...”

“Fuck... James, I can’t imagine—-“

“You see this?” He slowly reaches his hand out to me so I can see it, and when I do, I notice his fingers slightly trembling. “I’m shaking...”. He breathes in, and I can tell he’s freaked out right now... I am too, honestly, and I’m not sure what I can do to help right now.

“This happens every time... Every time I purge, I get cold... and my body trembles... and I feel these weird cramping sensations in my legs, or calves, or feet...”

My body is tensing up as he’s speaking, because I know those symptoms... I know what those mean from being in the hospital with him... I know what it all means.

“I’ve never told anyone this before.... There were a lot of times that I was scared to sleep because of this...”

I just squeeze James’s hand tighter, as I let him continue.

“I thought I was gonna die... and I was scared, DJ... I was fuckin’ scared.”

I don’t even realize that I’m crying until I touch my face to rub my eye, and it feels wet. I suddenly have a sense of urgency and feel my heart beating out of my chest, because I’m scared right now.

This is _scaring_ me.

“James, do you have electrolyte replacement drinks on you right now?”

My voice is hushed but I can hear the urgency in it. James is just looking at me like a deer in headlights.

“N...no...”

I take a breath in, to try to calm my nerves.

“Okay... Um...”. My eyes are darting around the room until I remember....

“Listen... I have a banana in my room...”. I’m squeezing both of James’s hands now, and they feel so cold. “If I mash it up and put it in a bowl, would you be able to try to have some of it?”

I’m whispering because I don’t want to wake Nikki up, and I’m trying to be gentle because I know how scared James must feel right now... especially because I just asked him if he would eat something...

“I know you probably don’t want to at all, but...”. My voice is slightly shaking, as I squeeze his hands tighter. “It has potassium in it... and if yours dropped....”. I breathe in. “I just wanna make sure your body’s okay.... You’re not in a hospital right now where you can be monitored and this is a safety precaution....”.

Now, I’m giving him my wide puppy dog eyes, but I know they’re filled with genuine concern. I can feel a tear welling in my eye.

“This is because I care about you, and I’m really worried right now...”. I gulp. “Please.... If I mash a banana, will you try to have some of it?”

I realize I probably sound like a mental case asking about mashing up a banana, so I elaborate.

“I keep saying I’ll mash it, because I know your body might not be able to handle food well right now and mashing it makes it easier to swallow... Maybe easier to digest...”

By looking at James, I can tell the gears in his head are turning... He’s probably obsessing over what I just said... He’s probably thinking about the banana and what he thinks it’ll do to him, and how he can’t eat it.

I suddenly hear him take a breath in, as he slowly nods his head. I can feel his hands shaking even more right now, and this time I know it’s from anxiety. I can feel my heart break at that, but I also feel a sense of relief wash over me.

“Yeah? You’ll try for me?”

That receives a final nod from James, as he lets out a shaky sigh.

“Yeah....” He closes his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll try.”

~ ~ ~

_‘All of my devils are free at last_   
_And all my secrets revealed_   
_And your permission is all I_   
_Need to heal’_

~ ~ ~

JAMES’ P.O.V:

I’m staring right at the mashed up banana... DJ brought me to his room, so I could see that he wasn’t gonna do anything to the banana but mash it... It’s really sad that my mind has become like this...

I feel so physically sick and know that my electrolytes might be off right now, meanwhile I still got freaked out thinking about hidden ingredients in the damn banana.

“You don’t have to eat the whole thing, James.” DJ has his hand on my shoulder, and he’s giving me a comforting stare. I can tell he’s trying to gently coax me into taking the first spoonful of the yellow mush... and I want to... I want to try, and I’m going to... I’m just... _scared_.

“I’m not sure what your brain is telling you, but try to not listen to it...”.

DJ looks so sad... I know it must be hard for him to watch me struggle to eat this, and I feel so bad, but I also know he’s trying to help, and I’m grateful for that. I really, really am.

“ _Fuck_ , I mean, I know that’s way easier said than done, but...”. I can see his face scrunching up, and I can tell he’s embarrassed. “ _Fuck_ , I’m sorry. I’m probably making this worse—-“

“DJ, stop, you’re fine.” I give him a smile and ruffle his Mohawk. “I really appreciate you staying here with me... It... It helps, a lot.”

With that, I build up the courage to grab the spoon with my shaking hand, and when I do, I scoop a tiny bit of the banana concoction onto it. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, which is making me feel physically sicker, because of how weak I already feel.

I’m trying to tell myself that I know I need this right now... I feel sick because my body is depleted... I got out of the hospital and already felt exhausted, but then I purged... and I feel like death right now.

I’m scared and DJ is scared too... I think we both agree that this is absolutely necessary right now, even if it takes me a long time to eat it... As long as I eat it, it’s okay right?

I close my eyes as I put the spoon to my mouth, and try to block out all of the tormenting thoughts that are spinning in my head right now.

My brain is screaming at me to not eat it. It feels threatened that I’m doing the opposite. It feels threatened by me trying to save my own life.

I can feel that sensation of my throat about to close the second that I feel the food enter my mouth, but I swallow right away this time. I’m doing it because I need to.

I need to do this, and I want to get better.

I _want_ to do this.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not freaking out right now. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes because I feel panicked. The little alarms are going off in my head right now because I went against what my brain has been telling me.

_‘What the fuck are you doing right now?! What is wrong with you, James?! Spit that fuckin’ thing out! SPIT IT OUT!’_

I’m not listening to it this time. It’s just a fuckin’ banana... My body needs this so bad right now... I feel sick. I am sick. I need this.

_‘It’s just a banana... Its just a banana... Its not gonna hurt you, James...’_

The battle between my two selves continues every time I build up the strength to take another spoonful. It feels like hell right now, and it’s taking so long. It’s taking so long for me to eat this.

It’s like I almost forgot how to eat the right way... I forgot how to be normal around food.

_‘If you don’t spit it out, you better purge it up! I swear to god, James, you’re a—-‘_

I don’t even realize that I let out a hitched breath, until I feel DJ’s arms wrapping around me.

“Hey, you’re okay...”

He’s rubbing circles into my back now, and I can feel my body shaking.

“You’re doing a fuckin’ awesome job, James.”

I can feel tears dripping down my face as he says that, because even though I know this is the right thing to do, it feels so painful right now, and I wish I didn’t have to do it.

I wish I didn’t have to eat this because it’s so hard, and I wish it wasn’t so fuckin’ hard to do something so simple... I know this is gonna be the first step to me getting better, but it’s already so difficult.

Now I’m just crying on DJ’s shoulder and I feel like a pathetic baby... However, I know that DJ is not a person who will judge me, and I’m just grateful for his support right now.

“What’s going through your head right now?” He’s talking to me in a soothing tone, like all of those times Nikki has comforted me. “If you’re comfortable talking about it—“

“It’s....”. My voice is shaking. “It’s so... _loud._ ”

“It doesn’t ever shut up, DJ... It doesn’t shut the hell up... I just want it to shut the fuck up!”

My whole body is tensing up because of the frustration I feel, but I’m still panicking because of the way my body feels from eating the banana.

The contorting sensation... The distorted belief that something is happening to my body right now... It’s happening right now in front of DJ... and he’s hugging me, so he can fuckin’ feel it! He can feel it happening!

_‘I’m blowing up. I’m taking up too much space. It’s happening too fuckin’ fast and I can’t have this happen. I can’t stop it! I can’t stop it! I need to purge. I NEED TO PURGE—-‘_

“James? You with me, buddy?”

I don’t wanna purge at all. I don’t want to! I can’t do this! I don’t want to but the urge is there. The urge is so strong and I’m not gonna engage in it, but it’s so hard to sit with it eating at me like this...

“It was just a banana... It’s not gonna hurt you... It’s _good_ for you.”

I know DJ is trying so hard right now to help, but being reminded of what I did is making it worse... and I hate that it’s making it worse, because I need his support right now. He doesn’t even need to be here right now with me, but he is. He’s using time to help and support me right now.

“I know....”. I speak, even though my panic is high and my voice is shaking so hard. I don’t even know if I was loud enough for DJ to hear me. “I hate that I can’t eat a banana without my mind tormenting the shit outta me...”

“What’s it telling you?”

I can tell DJ just wants to know what’s happening in my head so he can help, but I know he’s probably gonna think I’m nuts if I tell him... On the other hand, it feels good to be able to trust someone enough to be open about this, so I decide that he’s a safe enough person to expose it to.

“I don’t deserve to eat that.... I’m taking up too much space because food is in me now, and I don’t deserve to take up any space because I’m a worthless piece of shit—-“

“Fuck that.” DJ cuts me off before I can continue. “Your brain is a lying sack of shit, James.”

“I know... I hate it.” I can feel my jaw clenching. “I hate it so much...”

“You know what else it’s saying?” The dysmorphic feelings are still so strong, and I can hear my voice cracking as I explain the sensations I’m having in my body.

“I feel my fuckin’ body changing... I can feel it expanding, and contorting itself...”. Now my voice is shaking again, because I hate how real all of this feels, even though there’s a part of me that knows it’s not. It can’t be.

“I feel it happening right now, and you’re fuckin’ hugging me, so you probably feel it too, and I want to crawl out of my skin right now because of how horrible I feel in it, and I have no control over what’s happening and I can’t do th—-“

Now I’m panicking all over again. The words keep slipping out of my mouth so quickly, and I can’t even stop them now.

“James.”

I can hear DJ’s voice cutting through my debilitating panic. He has his hands on my shoulders and he’s squeezing them hard, probably as a way to get me back to the present moment.

“James, _listen_ to me.”

He’s looking at me with big, concerned eyes, and I can tell that hearing all of my thoughts upset him... It’s probably hurting him to know the truth, but he’s still staying here to help me.

“I promise you that there is _nothing_ happening to your body right now.”

He’s speaking to me in a gentle tone, but I can hear the pain in his voice. He looks like he’s about to cry, honestly.

“You are not expanding, or blowing up... You look exactly the same as you did before you ate that banana.”

I want to believe him so bad, but it’s so hard when everything feels so _real_ right now.

I can also tell that he doesn’t know what to think of what I said... He’s probably never heard anyone say something like this before, and I can’t even blame him if he’s thinking _‘James, what the fuck is wrong with you right now?’_

“Can I be honest?”

“You think your body got bigger? James, it didn’t.” He’s staring at me, but I can tell he doesn’t want to. I can also hear his voice shaking a little bit. “You don’t look bigger. You look like you’re _dying_.”

I can feel an uneasy sensation throughout my body because I know... I know I look like hell, and it’s fuckin’ crazy how my mind is playing games with me right now.

I gulp and nod my head, as a tear falls down my face.

“I know.” I continue to nod, as I look up at the ceiling. “I know, DJ.”

~ ~ ~

_‘Well how long have I_   
_Been sitting here, I must have drifted off_   
_I cannot finish any of my thoughts_   
_Forgive me for my wayward shot’_

~ ~ ~

_One week later:_

I’m officially on a waiting list for a treatment center... and I haven’t felt this kind of relief in such a long time.

It’s relief in knowing that I’m gonna get help and hopefully be free from this shit, but I’m also freaking out a little bit.

DJ and Nikki have been taking turns staying at my house with me, just because I’m not comfortable being alone... I told them the other night that I don’t think I can trust myself to not engage in behaviors... I’m not strong enough to resist them yet, and I know that once I’m in treatment, I’ll have 24/7 support around me for when the urges come up.

But right now I don’t. I’m still waiting to be able to go, so I’m so grateful that I have the two of them to help keep me safe for the time being.

It took us forever to find a place, because I didn’t realize how many treatment centers there were on the West Coast. I didn’t want to choose one that would be too far from LA, so that narrowed it down a bit, but even so... There were a ton of choices.

Nikki was able to help the most with that. We looked into the details of each program and their treatment philosophies. Some programs incorporated the 12 step program, which me and Nikki both agree would be beneficial.

It was just... a lot, so I’m relieved that we finally made a decision and a plan is set in stone.

The next step is just gonna be figuring out how to keep myself sane until my admission day...

At least I still have the Serenity Prayer memorized, back from when I decided to get sober and quit drinking...

_‘God, grant me the serenity_   
_To accept the things I cannot change_   
_The courage to change the things I can_   
_And the wisdom to know the difference...’_

I say the prayer every day... Every night... I wouldn’t consider myself a religious person, but I am definitely spiritual, and I know that my higher power is watching over me... Somewhere... I feel the power, especially at night when I feel alone with my thoughts.

I feel a spiritual presence, and when I’m scared, it keeps me at ease. It helps remind me of why I’m choosing to surrender, and how I will be at peace once I finally let go of all of my demons...

I know I’ll be at peace once I let go of all control that my addiction has on me... Once I let go of the grip, the chains will break, and I’ll be able to escape the cage that I’ve trapped myself in.

Every day I’ll try to listen to my higher power... I listen to its words of comfort, wisdom, and integrity... I listen intentively, and I try to search for the hidden messages of hope that are being sent to me.

I’ll listen, but sometimes I’ll talk. I’ll ask questions, and I’ll let out my emotions... Even though I can’t see it, I feel the presence, and I know that the pain I’m releasing is going somewhere... Somewhere _safe_.

I’ll fall to my knees, and I’ll say...

_‘Help me.’_

I know I’m getting help, but I still ask every day for my higher power to help me...

_‘Help me help myself.’_

Sometimes DJ or Nikki are around when I do it. Sometimes I’m alone, but even if they’re around me, it’s okay. I trust them enough... Nikki knows about this... He speaks to his higher power daily. I know I won’t be judged...

_‘Help me free myself.’_

I know that I won’t be able to do this alone... It’s impossible.

_‘Let me heal.’_

I ask it every day to help me, and I know that it will... I know that it will allow me to finally help myself... The day will come... I just need to wait for it.

~ ~ ~

_‘All of my devils are free at last_   
_And all my secrets revealed_   
_And your permission is all I_   
_Need to heal’_

~ ~ ~

_One week later:_

I’m staring at my suitcase... I’m staring at it and I am feeling so much right now.

I’m leaving tomorrow... I’m going to treatment, and I’m going to deal with everything that I’ve been running from... and... I’m fucking terrified.

I’m so scared. I’m relieved that I’m getting help, but I’m also scared shitless.

I can’t even explain how I’m feeling... People think getting help should make you feel at peace... It is, but so many people don’t understand how excruciating it is... Getting help is doing the exact opposite of what your brain has been making you do for god knows how long. Getting help is going against every single thing that I’ve been doing...

My self-destructive behaviors became familiar and safe to me... They became my clutch... They made me feel comfortable and safe, even though they were killing me. I held onto them because it’s what I knew. It’s what I had become accustomed to. Self-destruction became my normal and doing anything different feels scary and uncomfortable.

Unfamiliarity and unpredictably is scary because you don’t know what you’re gonna expect. At least when I was hurting myself, I knew exactly what I was gonna get... I knew how I was gonna feel, and I knew the torment that I was gonna endure. I knew it because it became something habitual.

It felt safe because I didn’t have to feel anything... I ran away from my own emotions and shame, by hurting myself. I ran away from it, but I built up even more torment within myself by torturing myself. I have so much baggage to work through, and that’s scary because it’s something that I’ve been avoiding.

Asking for help and admitting that I needed help was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Standing here, staring at my suitcase that’s full to the brim, that’s gonna be going with me to wherever the hell the treatment center is... that’s terrifying.

It’s terrifying because I know I’m gonna be giving up the one thing that I thought was protecting me... I thought it was helping me.

It _did..._

It _did_ help me at first. It helped keep my Bipolar Disorder at bay when it first started... It kept the depressive episodes away because I gave myself structure by working out and obsessively planning all of my food.

It tricked me into believing that I was controlling that aspect of my life, when in reality, it was actually controlling me.

I didn’t realize that then... I didn’t realize because I really thought it was doing something good for me. I felt good, but it tricked me into believing that. The false adrenaline that it gave me led me to continue...

I continued giving in, and before I knew it... Things had gotten out of hand.

I had no idea that it was gonna end up the way it did. I didn’t even know that it was a problem, and even when things got really bad, I still didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think it was a problem, because how could it have been, if I was still functioning?

I say this now, and I cringe, because I wasn’t functioning at all. I was dying this whole damn time, but I was so blinded from that reality because all I was focused on was the addiction.

The _illness._

The _anorexia._

I’ve never acknowledged that’s what it was... I’ve never said the real name for it... I never even called it an _eating disorder_ until now...

Calling it by the real term makes it even more real for me. I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t know what the hell it was, or if it was even a real thing... I didn’t know that it had an actual term... an actual _name_.

It’s just like an addiction... But, I’m realizing it now. The food, and the exercise, and the purging, and the laxatives... all of those behaviors that I used... Those are being used to distract me from the real pain of my own life.

When a drug addict injects, the drug is what numbs them from their pain... Physical _and_ mental pain...

When I self-destruct, it’s the same thing. I was trying to block out my pain, but it got blocked out by more pain... A different kind of pain... A kind of pain that I didn’t know existed.

It got blocked out by tormenting feelings about my own body... Feelings that led me to feel completely unsafe in it to the point of begging the universe to break it down... to kill it.

It got blocked out by consuming obsessions of food... Numbers, calories, ingredients... My brain got filled up with insignificant things... These numbers should have meant absolutely nothing to me, but they meant something... They became my only focus.

It got blocked out by torturous self-punishments... Vigorous exercise routines that wore out my body... Risky behaviors that did so much damage to my body...

The worst part of this whole thing was that I thought I was blocking everything out with the behaviors, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t, because soon those original demons started bursting out.

My depressive episodes came back, and my own shame and underlying emotions bubbled up to the surface. I ended up not only dealing with the eating disorder, but with all of the demons that I was trying to run from. Everything was hitting me.

Everything _IS_ hitting me.

The scariest part of this was that even when I came to the conclusion that was I was doing wasn’t serving the purpose it used to... I still couldn’t stop.

I realized that it was an addiction. I realized it was a problem, but at the time, I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet... I wanted to, but I was terrified. I felt so tortured and tormented, that I started to wish that I would die from what I was doing, because the pain of it all was so unbearable.

The pain was so unbearable, but the idea of stopping the behaviors and getting help was even scarier... The thought of it felt like it was too much... It would take too much work to fight my thoughts and my brain and my addiction... I thought it would be easier to let the illness kill me, but...

It’s not worth living the way I am. I’ve had enough, and I’m drained to the point of no return. I can’t imagine having to live one more day like this...

This is why I’m standing here, although I’m trembling... I’m standing here because I’m getting help.

I’m accepting help, and I’m not turning back this time.

It was hard packing the suitcase up, because all of these emotions bubbled up inside of me. So many...

_Fear._

_Helplessness._

_Powerlessness._

_Relief._

_Uncertainty._

_Conflict._

_Longing._

_Desperation._

_Sadness._

_Gratitude._

It’s a whole range of feelings... A range of emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time.

Tomorrow I’m leaving to go to treatment... Early in the morning. Nikki and DJ are driving me, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep at all tonight.... My nerves are so high, but I also know that I’m gonna be in the right place at the right time.

This is my time... The demons that I’ve kept trapped inside of me are gonna be let out. They’re gonna be free, and then... I’ll be able to feel real _relief_.

That’s what I’ve wanted this whole time.

_Relief._

I wanted relief from my Bipolar mood swings.

I wanted relief from the noise up in my head.

I wanted relief from the debilitating depressive episodes.

I wanted relief from the baggage that I dragged along with me every single day.

I wanted relief... I _needed_ it.

Now, it’s time... I’m gonna get it.

I’m gonna get it once I let go of all control. Once I unchain myself from the illness that trapped me, the demons will be able to get let out. They’ll free themselves, and I’ll feel lighter. I’ll feel lighter, and that is what will bring me the relief.

I also know that it’s not gonna be easy.

I know it’s gonna feel horrible at times, and that I’m gonna want to give up. I know it’s gonna feel tormenting... It’s gonna be excruciating...

However, I know from experience that the only way out of the hell you’re living in, is to go through it.

I’m gonna have to work through all of the scary shit... The yucky parts... The dark and hard things... I’ll have to do all of that stuff in order to get to the other side.

It’s like the line in one of our songs.

_“It’s darkest before the hope.”_

It’s so true. I had to hit the bottom to be able to come to the realization that I needed help. It took me almost dying to be able to say that I needed to do something different.

_‘It took a funeral to make me feel alive.’_

But you know what?

Nikki has told me that everyone’s “rock bottoms” come at different times. It’s unfortunate that it took this long for me to surrender, but it’s okay.

It’s okay, because the moment came. It was time. It _is_ time.

It’s time to help myself, and I’m ready.

~ ~ ~

_‘I wake up in the morning, and it comes back to you_   
_I breathe in I breathe out, it comes back to you_   
_I stare up at the ceiling, and it comes back to you_   
_I step out my front door, and it comes back to you_   
_The end of my driveway, it comes back to you_   
_Brakelights on the highway, it comes back to you_   
_I could die in Los Angeles._   
_It would come back to you.’_

~ ~ ~

Everything feels so surreal right now... It’s so early in the morning. I’m not even sure what time it is...

It’s happening. I’m on my way to the treatment facility. Nikki’s driving, and DJ is sitting with me in the back. I’m so exhausted... I don’t even know where we are right now.

I’ve been in and out for this whole ride. DJ has been rubbing my head, and it’s calming. I keep reminding myself of why I’m doing this.

I’m _scared_.

I’m terrified, but this is my chance now. This is my time to heal, and I know in the end I’ll be okay.

I know I’ll be okay because I have these two... I have their support, and I have my higher power up above... I have my soul self within... I can hear it’s powerful words.

_‘You’re doing this, James.’_

I’m exhausted but I’m scared. I’m scared, but I’m also hopeful.

It’s not long before I see a sign out the window of the car... And that’s when I realize that we’ve arrived. I can automatically feel my stomach twisting into knots, and DJ is squeezing my hand.

I can feel my manipulative side of brain begging me to run away, and to change my mind... I can hear it. It’s screaming so loud, but my healthy self is stronger.

It’s overpowering that voice. It’s overpowering my fear, and I can channel that side of me.

That side is saying:

_‘Go on, James... Set yourself free.’_

I can hear Nikki’s soothing voice from the drivers seat, once he puts the car into park.

“I can’t promise you that it’s not gonna be hard... I’m not gonna tell you that it’s gonna be easy... It’s _not_.”

He’s looking at me with fatherly eyes full of comfort, but they’re also full of passion... Fire... Experience... _Wisdom._

I take a shaky breath in, as I look at him, and then DJ.

“I’m... I’m scared.”

I can feel my body shaking, as DJ wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace. He is speaking to me in a soothing tone.

“You’re allowed to be scared... Recovery is scary, and you’re being brave for taking this step and getting help.”

After a few moments, I build up the courage to get out of the car. When I do, I feel a chill up my whole body, as I stare at the building in front of me.

“It’s gonna be a wild ride James, but I can promise you one thing.”

Nikki has his hand on my shoulder, as he continues to speak.

“It’s gonna be worth it.”

It’s the moment that I take a breath, look up at the sky above me, and exhale that I know... I can feel my higher power’s presence, and I know that I’ll be okay.

Its gonna be a long road ahead, but I know the day will come when I’ll finally be able to say:

_‘I’m free.’_

~ ~ ~

_‘All of my devils, they are free at last, oh_   
_And all my secrets are revealed, yeah_   
_And your permission is all that I,_   
_I need to feel_   
_All of my devils, they are free at last, oh_   
_And all my secrets are revealed, yes they are_   
_And your permission is all that I need.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM CRYING.
> 
> If you didn't read the beginning notes... i AM planning on writing a sequel to this... so if you are interested, look out for it in the near future! :)))

**Author's Note:**

> If you actually made it to this point... kudos to you. Thank you for reading!!!! (Don’t forgot to leave a comment and let me know what you think) 
> 
> Stay safe and healthy!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Familiar taste of poison](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29362713) by [Fating](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fating/pseuds/Fating)




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